Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Tears (Part II)

Happy 2nd day of school Tuesday! I think if I can just get through this first week, everything will be fine (this is my earnest plea). I got one kid back to normal... Kai had a rough first morning of school but she got it together just like I knew she would. She came home excited, with a slew of friends and left out this morning ready and (semi) excited. No worries, no meltdowns, no problem! Then my sweet Nae... well, not so good. Yesterday, she seemed ok. Nervous but together. This morning there were tears :-(. She's always the good one, never any problems, no annoyances... just  sweet, mellow, calm (Libra balanced) Nae. And she always tries to keep it together in front of me. Now I know I'm not the most sensitive person in the world, but quite possibly, she must think I won't empathize with her issues. I often find her alone crying or on the phone with Gigi (our mom) crying... but she never comes to me with her tears. I asked her why this morning, of course she just shrugged... but I think I know why anyway. Daily I am on the edge, the brink, hanging from a thin thread about to lose it! Seriously (sad, I know) but more often than not, I am stressed and overwhelmed (I'm working on it). More often than not, Ikaia doesn't care that I am on the verge of losing it and pushes every button she knows will provoke me closer to insanity. That Ikaia, she is such a bully and I think she must really get enjoyment out of me losing my cool (or she's just a preteen that can't help but to drive me crazy) SMH. And I am certain Nae witnesses this and takes notes. She just doesn't want to be a bother or add to my (over) load. Oh! how I love that girl. I had to tell her this morning that I love her and because she is so easy, she can come to me about anything and I will take it seriously. I don't want her to feel like I am so on the edge all the time that I cant be bothered with her issues. I'm here, please talk to me! Especially for my sweet Nae, anything you need. She is the first love of my life. My mom had her when I was in 9th grade, so she and I were inseparable. I played a very pivotal part in raising her and I love her as if she were my own daughter. Sometimes I forget I'm not her mom and she just needs a sister. And sometimes she's like you're just my sister, stop tryna be my mom... needless to say the line is quite blurry and often gets confusing. We make it work though! She is the best sister/daughter ever! I also forget she's only 14 (still a baby) and still needs some babying. I keep tryna make her a woman before her time but its so easy to do when she's towers inches over me. She's so smart and beautiful and funny and even tempered and level headed... she is just AWESOME! I love her to pieces!!! She is the only girl in the house who is working to keep me sane and that, in itself is reason to love her. It hurts my heart to know she is dreading school because she feels alone there. I know its only the second day, but I just want her to be happy (right now) and I definitely don't like seeing those tears come from her.  I wish I could go to school with her and be her friend just to see her smile, if only... You guys pray for me and my sweet Nae. My prayer for her...

Dear Heavenly Father,
I pray Nae grows stronger and closer to you from this experience. Help her to depend on you when she feels alone. Let her know that even if people aren't around her or talking to her, that you are still with her always. Help her to be more confident in herself and show herself friendly. Help her to see that it isn't the quantity of people around her but the quality. I pray that the one person you would have to be her friend, finds her today. And even if not, that Nae will feel peace and strength that can come only from you. We rest in your promises knowing that you will provide. I love you and thank you.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

I hope she's doesn't mind be being so open about her in my blog, its kind of a therapy for me now. (I forget someone else may even read it). It's ok for me to be so open about myself, I hope she's ok with me being so transparent about her as well. I'm just in my "blog bubble", it's safe here. :)
I really do hope everyone is having a manageable first week of school, its never been this rough for us before. I trust things will get better (tomorrow).


That's my peace...

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