Monday, January 23, 2012

Am I Willing?

I want to be able to have warm and fuzzy feelings about you. I want to be able to say nice things and think fondly of you. I want to release the issues of the past, and consider making new, happier memories in the future, but... you are a piece of work (to put it nicely). And no matter how hard I think I'm trying, it always seems like a lost cause. You are more harmful than helpful, more stressful than peaceful, and much more crazy than I am willing to handle. Although I am trying to sympathize with how you may be affected by your own life issues, I struggle to release you of the responsibility of your actions and how they are affecting me. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should understand just exactly how you feel and what you've had to endure. But truth is... I don't! I feel justified in my disdain, I feel warranted in my expectation. Honestly, I don't expect any great achievements or quality attributes. I just expect you not to hurt me. I just want you to care about my welfare. Is that too much? It doesn't seem like a ridiculous request... just desire to protect me and want me to feel safe. I shouldn't ever feel insecure or harmed when I am around you. But it happens, and too regularly.
My first thought... if there was someone in your life that made you feel this way, then they should not be in your life. But it isn't someone who can be so easily discarded (without conscience). And will that be Christian-like? I guess my obligation as a Christian is to forgive that person (I'm not even sure I've completely worked that one out yet), not to subject myself to their toxicity. But maybe forgiveness would be easier for me if the offenses weren't recurring. Forgiveness would be easier, if I felt they were ever sorry. Forgiveness would be easier if ever they owned up to their behavior and offered an explanation, an apology, a hope of change. I need to put them on a pre-forgiveness plan. "I know you are going to offend me when I see you, so let me prepare myself to forgive you ahead of time." That actually sounds like a possible effective plan... or maybe I should lower my expectation. "I know you are going to offend me, so let me just prepare myself to expect it and brush it off. It's you and apparently you cant help it." Then, whatever happens, I would have either already anticipated it or it would be a step up from what I expected... win win? The question is, am I willing? Am I willing to put myself in that position again knowing just what I'm getting? Am I willing to forgive them in the event I get harmed again? Am I willing to love them, in spite of them?
God does this for me everyday. I am sure I don't deserve the love He gives me. I am certain He has expectations for me that I don't meet. I am positive everyday I do something to disappoint and cause Him pain and yet, He still loves me. It will not be easy, but God never promised it would be. Through God, I am capable... but am I willing? I need to seriously pray on this. Pray for me!

That's my peace! Love, Tam

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


hey today. Today is one of those days where A Peace of Tam isn't the platform for the feelings I need to express. And the sad part, I don't even know what the real root of the problem is. I know it's just one of those "internal me problem" days and eventually I'll shake it off. Something isn't going the way I quite hoped it would and something else just doesn't quite feel right. I know I'm making little to no sense right now, but... it be's like dat sometimes!
Priorities, decisions, emotions, disappointments... it's just one of those days and work is not helping. Maybe I'm coming down off the "ovulation" high, hahaha. I have a "period tracker" app on my phone and it tells you the days you are fertile (I am not tryna keep up with my fertility, just documenting Aunt Flo's visitation), but the tracker also tells you the days you are fertile and ovulating. And I found that I am a little more chipper the week that I am fertile, is this happen chance or nature? I'm sure my pleasant demeanor makes me a little more attractive, therefore encouraging procreation... yes? Far fetched?
But anywhoozle, the ovulation high has come to an end, until next month... but no, really, why do I feel like crap? It has to be more than my coworkers driving me the usual crazy (even though its more than the usual). Maybe it's cause it's Wednesday. I need to go back and see how last Wednesday went, maybe there's a pattern. I just want to know these things so I'm prepared for next time. If I can get to the root of it, I fix it faster or possibly avoid it altogether.
Even though I'm in a funky mood, at least I have fun, vibrant nails to look at. I spent some time this past Sunday dolling up everyone's nails in the house (yes, even Kai!) My little tomboy let me do her nails. It only lasted all of 1 day, but it was there. I should have taken a picture, dag it! But I did get a pic of my own nails...

Two shades of pink and one funky zebra nail! fun fun! Ok, that's enough pretending for one day. I'm gonna sit here, eat my "80 calories in 5" crackers and hope 5 o'clock gets here soon, so I can get out of here! I'm actually looking forward to my commute home this evening. I am back to reading The Hunger Games... just a little skim through to refresh my mind of the details. BYOB this weekend 2 pm!!! Hope to see you there.
I hope the rest of this week speeds by, and I get myself out of this funk along the way. Enjoy your evening! That's my peace....
Love, Tam 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Tam Talk?

After reading the book I Thought it Was Just Me (but it isn't), I've been turning over in my head the concept of shame. The book discusses how women, in a constant quest for perfection, spend too much time and energy creating a perception of themselves to present to the world. We feel this need to portray a perfected and edited version of who we really are to the people around us so that everyone feels we "have it all together". And in an attempt to fit the mold we assume is expected, we learn to hide our struggles to protect ourselves from shame, judgement, criticism, and blame by seeking "safety" in pretending and perfection. Being imperfect does not mean we are inadequate.
In writing my blog, I feel as though I allow myself to be much more open than I would be in real life. I disclose alot of a very private portion of my life. Yes, sometimes I exclude a number of emotional details, but overall a very large fraction of my life gets disclosed in A Peace Of Tam. I find it to be very therapeutic that my day-to-day joys, anxieties, stresses, and imperfections get released via typing, posting and sharing. Even if it doesn't get "shared" to the WWW, I am not holding anything in. At the least, someone I know, love and trust hears what's going on so that I can get some guidance. Sometimes, I actually debate to myself that I'm not telling you enough in APT. "Do they need to know more? Should I mention the details of why I was feeling this way? Is that too much?" I have almost no shame, but I wrestle with whether it's appropraite or customary to share some details. I am not sharing it in search of sympathy or attention, I just hope to help, motivate inspire and encourage others. Maybe whatever I'm dealing with someone else is dealing with as well, you are not alone. That is my hope, but is it too much sometimes? Why do I even have to question that? Then I thought, maybe A Peace of Tam just isn't the appropriate platform for what I am hoping to accomplish. Maybe there is some other way we can share and I don't have to concern myself am I divulging too much in an attempt to save myself and the world...
Having to pretend perfection is tiring, I gave up on it awhile ago. It's just too much and no one should have to do it. The fact that us as women, specifically black women, feel the need to hold it all in, carry it all alone, struggle by ourselves is ridiculous and it makes me sad. I remember when I was that woman... and I would not wish that loneliness on my worst enemy. We do not have to live in shame, in fear of judgement, and in a constant search for acceptance. As women, we need to support one another and realize it is actually our imperfections that connect us to each other. It is our imperfections that remind us that we are all human and in this together. And although A Peace of Tam may not be the proper stage for me to reveal my every worry, insecurity, "shame trigger"... my living room is! (I have not ran this by J yet, but he supports me) And I am inviting you all to come over for some Women's Real Talk. Everyday I feel the desire to hear and help and there has to be a way to do this. I don't want to witness another woman, sister, friend go through something that could have been avoided had we all just talked it out. I've been through it already and no one else should have to. And if you already are, you should not be doing it alone. There is no shame in your situation.

"We need our lives back. It’s time to reclaim the gifts of imperfection – the courage to be real, the compassion we need to love ourselves and others, and the connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life. These are the gifts that bring love, laughter, gratitude, empathy and joy into our lives.”

I seriously propose, we as women come together and just talk about any and everything. I will think more on this and iron out all the details, but I feel an urgency about this. And I plan to make it happen. If you're interested or have any ideas feel free to comment, message me on facebook, or email me

This is serious bidness! (yet, I made a joke by saying "business" as bidness, lol) I'm still me... with no shame!!!!

That's my peace!

Love, Tam

Non Violent! Non Violent!

hey guys! I hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend... (if you actually had one). As for me, I had a pretty decent weekend. I did take some time to go to the movies with Kai (thanks MissKi for the props! Actually felt like I was being held accountable for my blogging decisions... haha). And it wasn't that difficult sitting through Alvin & the Chipmunks, although I think I would have preferred to go see We Bought A Zoo (I think). But whateverthecase, we had a good time and hopefully she was happy.
Also, I went to try on wedding dresses with my mom and sisters this weekend. Idk how I feel/felt. It was a nice experience and it made me even more excited to get married, but it also put into perspective how I still feel about my body (which is currently not good). But I'm working on it and praying over it, and right now that's all I can do. Reality? this process is stressing the heck out of me and I'm just not having the fun I think I should be having. It's overwhelming and as soon as J says the word, I'm gonna quit and start figuring out where we can elope. I don't think he understands just how frustrated I am with this... of course he doesn't, but maybe I can get his mom to call him one more time. Last time she called him discussing wedding issues, he looked like he was about to lose it. And that was just one conversation. Maybe if he gets another dose of it, he'll begin to see how I am feeling with all this wedding gibberish... but until then, back to the grind of it. I'll try this wedding dress thing again on Thursday evening... fun fun (?)

What else? I really wasn't planning to discuss my wedding disdain, but it's real heavy on my mind so I couldn't dance around it. Another thing I haven't been able to shake... disrespectful women! Actually one in particular. I won't give any details suggesting who this one particular woman is, it doesn't matter. But what I want to say is firstly, kudos to me for being a grown up and secondly, lucky for her I am a grown up... but oooh Lordy!!!! I am by nature a loving person (haha, that even sounded funny to me). But really, I am not out looking for foolishness. I am an adult, I pick my battles, I try to remain calm in un-calm situations. I do not go around starting fights, basically. But I also am NOT a sucka. There are plenty of people who didn't like me growing up I am certain, but unless I felt threatened or needed to defend myself, I don't see why fighting about that would ever be necessary. "So what you don't like me? So what you over there glaring and giving me dirty looks? Am I supposed to feel shaken by that? I don't. I think you are hilarious, but I appreciate your flattery WOMAN I DON'T KNOW!" All the while I am wondering how and why this person (based off little to no contact or conversation) could possibly dislike me, but in reality not caring. Sm (cute little)h... haha! Women... and I use this term lightly, are crazy. But... when all that minimal "non mf factor" hating turns into some blatant, I want you to know I don't like you disrespect, I have to admit I have a problem. I am still wondering "why"? but on another level (if I am honest) I am plotting to punch this "woman" in the face. Seriously this "woman" took it upon herself to stand in my space and position herself to move me out the way (*chuckling*, because even at this moment it is humorous). And that is exactly what I did then, I laughed at this "woman". And as the moment continued on, I worked on pep talking myself down from the level of crazy she was ASKING me to display. Seriously, I heard her asking me to punch her in the face. (Crazy is real!) But although I possess crazy, I also have Jesus. And before I could let the crazy overwhelm me, my own motherly voice chimed in.
More than often, Kai comes homes and discusses the "girl" issues she has at school. Girls are not nice and sometimes these situations would warrant some "parents"  advising fighting to prove a point (there is one living right in my own home). Yet, I always tell her "fighting is to defend yourself, not to demand respect. I do not condone fighting because some girl said something mean or disrespectful... only if she puts her hands on you. Any other situation can be walked away from or handled non violently". (Shout out to Dr. King! non-violent, non-violent!) And this is not my advice because I worry my daughter will get beat up AT ALL. That girl possesses a level of nuts I can not even began to describe. When her and I play around, I have to force myself to remember that we are just playing after she lands one of her blows... I didn't know an 11 year old could be that heavy handed. She is strong and very strong willed and I am concerned for anyone who ever messes with her to the point she feels the need to defend herself. I am not worried for her losing the fight. I am worried what fighting teaches, I am worried what condoning behavior like that turns our young women into... I tell her "you are only 11. You don't have any honor to defend and you don't have any reason to build up your street cred by fighting just because someone disrespected you. Keep your grades up and fight to become someone worthy and important. Not someone who gets into fights because they have little to no self esteem."
So as I'm standing there, minding my business and feeling completely disrespected by this (lesser of a )"woman", all this I tell Kai comes streaming back to me. The feeling of crazy didn't immediately go away, I struggled for a (good, long) minute. I pondered every possible outcome of this scenario, and in the end I concluded she just wasn't worth it. "Sometimes you have to be your own voice of reason."
But oh! it's been eating me alive. In my mind I'm thinking, the next time I see this woman is she going to think I am to be messed with. Is she thinking she got away with disrespecting me and this is ok? Am I going to have to talk myself down every time she is in my space? I should have just stole her in the %$*_#^ face!
But no, the intelligent, confident me knows I really don't care what she thinks. I am happy with my life and have absolutely nothing to be insecure about, and this "woman" is likely envious of that. Why should I be mad at her for that? She can't help that I'm awesome and she can only wish... I know in my heart, I handled this situation correctly. But the fighter in me still feels like I would have been completely justified... and then my smarts start talking to me and I consider all the possible factors of this situation playing out and none of them really end well. I am convincing myself, that aside from the anger I still feel, I know I did the right thing.
But my question to you: What would you have done? As mature, responsible grown ups are we automatically obligated to be the "bigger person"? When, if ever, is it ok to engage in fisticuffs? haha. And, last but certainly not least, should I have just punched her in the face? hahaha (ok, I know the answer to that. But really?)
I swear I could hear her telling me to just hit her... I swear! She was asking for it. But alas, I am a grown woman and although this woman was all but begging to get her wig split, it is not my job to oblige her. I am still my awesome self and no level of her haterish foolishness is going to change that. She can keep up the hate job and I will be there giving her reason to... awesome and unaffected. Somebody ought to tell her not to make a habit of expecting me to be the bigger person, I may crack!

Ok, you all enjoy the rest of this short work week. And... try to remain violence free in honor of the birth, life and death of a great black leader.

I swear she was begging me to punch her in the eye! I swear!!!
That's my "semi non-violent" peace!

Tam ♥

Friday, January 13, 2012

Insensitive Much?

Happy Friday... I am having an "up and down" moment right now.

I am having a good day, aren't I? I've got no worries. I am living my happy life, got up on the right side of the bed (the only side since Jerry redecorated), and I am in a good mood. Until...

Ever just broke up with your boyfriend or was having problems, then had someone (who knows you're hurting) uninvitedly rave on and on about their current love? "He and I are doing this and he bought me that and I just love it when... blah blah blah".
Well that's how I feel right now!

The whole boyfriend thing is just an unrelated example. Is it going too far as to say it's like telling a recovering alcoholic the fun time you had getting wasted over the weekend? Either way you want to slice it... I am feeling some kind of way about something and yet, folk insist on coming up to me and going on and on about what's going on in their world not thinking how it may be affecting me. I am not a hater, I am just hurting. I want them to feel the same joy they feel, but come on now! I don't need to hear all the details of your excitement, especially when I am not getting to feel the same joys. Do I take it as a growing experience, suck it up and get over it? Or do I tell them? How do I tell them?
I think I may need to say something for my own good, or else I am likely to backslide into a funk.

Pray for me

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I'm Making it (work)!

I feel like I have been neglecting you. I'm so sorry, but its not my fault... I have been sick as a dog! (I never understood that expression). Anywhoozle... I have not been (am not) feeling very well. I'm here today attempting to function, pretty much "faking it, til I make it". But my body is calling me "Stupid" right now, because truthfully I should still be at home in bed. Or better yet... on my couch with J watching Dragon Ball Z! :) So I apologize if I've been MIA in 2012, but charge it to my head (aches), not my heart! Does it make you feel better that as I was laying on my deathbed (exaggerated for dramatization lol), I was thinking about how I haven't blogged in almost a week and (although near death) I was super tempted to try and access it from my phone, but the ache in my fingers just wouldn't allow it. Maybe it was for the best, I did need the rest...

I feel like there should be some updates or something, but all seems to be on an even keel. I appreciate the calm, but that doesn't make for great blogging. And hopefully, it isn't the calm before the storm! *fingers crossed*. But seriously, other than being near death this weekend, all has been unexciting, calm, pretty quiet... its been peaceful. :)
Kai barely excited about dinner
with her mom @ Carolina Kitchen
Well, I did find out I need to incorporate the movies into my quality time with Kai... that girl! I am working on giving her individualized time, but she is super picky on how we spend that time together. It's like, if it wasn't at the movies than it doesn't count! Of course, I don't feel like this is fair. I spent time with you running errands, getting ice cream, even going to dinner. But if I don't incorporate the movies into this schedule, its like it may as well never even happened. I am going to suck it up (only cause J suggested) and get over my dislike of movie theaters (especially to watch kids movies) and take one for the team. I hear her! This is what she wants to do, this would be me speaking her love language and because I love her, I am willing. But, really? Never satisfied! One day she will have her own little Ikaia to deal with, then she'll see... I look forward to the day when she has to deal with a little version of herself.

my DIY nails (pink & cheetah print)
I was looking at my nails the other day and noticing how well manicured they were. (pretty much I was so sick, I couldn't see past my own hand to focus on anything else). But I was thinking just how nice they were looking and how I have been keeping up with getting them done/doing them myself. If you know me, this wasn't really me... I am not a nail girl. Or I didn't used to be. Do you guys remember when it all started? In my Banana Clips, Polish and Body Snatchers post I went on about how I polished my nails (silver that day) in an attempt to be more girly. And I've been devotedly having them done since then. Sometimes I fall off for a few days, or I take some time and just do them myself. But more than not, I have had polished nails since that post in early October.. whoop whoop to me! When I commit to something, I am on it!

that's my sick face! Eyes were
watering and my nose was running 

Since we've looked back to that post, I must also note that I've been wearing my natural hair more times than not as well. And as far as I'm concerned, I've had some pretty decent natural hair days! (I really should be documenting). The banana clip is now my friend and I've finally gotten J to accept it... he says "babe you're beautiful and do whatever you have to do!" In which he's referring to the fact that my natural hair makes for better working out hair. So overall, he's accepted it cause either I'm fat with straight hair or deal with the curly fro and watch me get skinny... his vote is for the latter

hair, nails and my pretty J ring

About that... I have not worked out since I've been sick. Saturday morning was the last time. Trust me, I would have if I could have. But it was just NOT happening. No one would have found me for hours if I  fell out dead in the basement. I weighed my options, and figured it was just not worth it. I actually think it would have done more harm than good. But I promise to make every effort possible to do it this evening. Remember I am currently still just faking it til I actually make it. And am not yet feeling 100%. I would gauge myself at about 55% and that just doesn't seem like enough to force myself onto the treadmill. One plus though, I haven't been pigging out like a crazy since I've had very little appetite. So although I've been quite inactive, I have at least balanced it with good eating. (Aside from the homemade steak and cheeses we had for dinner Monday night, but ignore that). Anywhoozle... alls well so far. I am still unsuccessfully planning a wedding. When I make some headway or get somewhere, I'll be sure to let you in on it. But so far, not much of anything to report. Good thing I only plan to do this once! and if I had not, I'm sure not planning to do it again after all this!

Happy Wednesday all! Hope everyone enjoys the rest of their Hump Day!  

That's my (all over the place) peace...

Love, Tam

a sick girl's lunch for the day

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012!!!

 Special thanks to my girl Karon for her pictures!

Reach for the moon... even if you miss, you'll be amongst the stars! Happy New Year!!!

me and my lady friends!

me and my J!

my brother and mom :)

the aftermath...

Let's Get This... New Year Started Right!

Happy 2012!!! I hope everyone enjoyed their New Year's celebrating... now, it's time to get back into the grind of things. Work, school, life... it's all back in action. How exciting, right? YES it is! I have to say, I am super excited to see what 2012 has to offer. I came into 2012 surrounded by alot of my absolutely favorite folk! I just hope it sets the tone for the rest of the year. My impromptu party at the house went off without a hitch (I knew I would pull it together, I always do!) There will be a few pictures later... but I just had a good time with alot of good people (although a few were missing). Even though they couldn't make it out, I made sure to spend the 1st day of the new year with my Jules and Chelita at some point... yay me! I could not have asked for a better way to end 2011 and start 2012. I really do hope you all had a safe, good time. In other news...

I have been doing well with my working out (yay me again)... I worked out the last 3 out of 4 days and I plan to be right on that treadmill when I got home from work today! I am proud of me and I want to thank you guys for being my accountability partners. I've had a few folk text me checking up on me... thank you very much for that! It takes a village to... lose 30 lbs, ha! But thank you for your care and concern. I am feeling uber positive about this, I AM GOING to be a hot bride!! I am not going to leave any room for doubt, failure is NOT an option! (although... wait, NO doubt). But of course, realistically... (this is just my internal battle, bear with me). As you can see, I am struggling trying to remain confident in my ability. I can do this! :)

I've been rocking my natural since last week sometime. After I washed it and ignored it, I have not straightened it. It is definetly much more work to maintain this natural hairdo, but it is more than worth it. It is allowing me to sweat without too much damage to the style, which is imperative to working out like I need to. It's all for the best! I gotta do what I gotta do... it's serious! Glad I figured out how to get my skinny on and still look fab! I didn't want to have to compromise either one. Working it out... literally!

What else? Uhhh... reminder, book club for The Hunger Games will be held on January 14, 2012. If you're interested in joining us, there is still plenty of time to read the book (it is AWESOME!). What better way to start the new year than with a great book?! Hopefully some of you resolved to read more in 2012 and would like to join a book club, if so... just send me a message or feel free to email me at (shameless plug). I'd like to think we have a good time discussing the book and a plethora of other topics that come up, don't miss out!
I need to start looking into the next book for book club, so if you have any suggestions or recommendations please let me know!

I am just excited about everything right now! I feel like I am on cloud 1000, haha! It's only day 3 of 2012, but... I am loving it so far! I pray you all have a prosperous year, month, week, day... let's not get too far ahead of ourselves, tomorrow is not promised. Make today count!

That's my (first of 2012) peace!!!

Love, Tam