Monday, July 7, 2014

Lessons For Your Dating Daughter…

…before she begins dating.

I don’t want to have a dating daughter. *shakes head* NOPE! I really don’t. But knowing I can’t control everything and having to, as of late, deal with a dating sister-daughter, certain topics have come to mind that need to be covered.
Some of these topics have already come up and because I’m dealing with a teenager, who can’t hear me over her feelings, it’s already too late to discuss… for now. But it’ll come back up and I want to have had it already covered before she won’t be able to hear me again. No seriously, it is best to cover all topics with teenagers BEFORE it becomes a necessary topic to cover. You should focus all conversations with all teenagers when it seems irrelevant, because by chance you need to talk about something with one of them and they are currently dealing with that issue, they are incapable of hearing you. Their own feelings, attitudes and opinions are already ringing too loud in their ears that they are unable to take in, consider or process what you are saying… no matter how right, helpful or accurate you are.
So for my own reference, and yours too, here is a list of things that should be covered with our teenaged daughters. 

1.       Have standards on your time… Just this weekend, I was asked to chauffeur a date. This date was scheduled for Saturday, then rescheduled (by some boy) to Sunday @1. I accepted this first reschedule. At 12, I am ready for my chauffeuring duties BUT the boy is missing, unavailable, not responding, messages not going through, something! Thanks to iPhone technology, you can tell when your messages are not being received by the other party, and it was clear that he was not getting the messages that were being sent. Ok, maybe his phone is dead or something, but when 12 became 1, and 1 became 1:30… it was time for me (a woman with standards and boundaries regarding my time) to move on. BUT clearly this particular dating teenaged girl does not have the same standards for her time. I don’t want to look like the unsympathetic big sis here, but… Boo! You got to move on with your day.
This boy scheduled this date on Sunday at 1, he should be sure to be available by Sunday at 12 so that we can leave the house to get him. We should not be dressed and ready to go nowhere because he has not gotten your messages today. He should have been prepared, ready, looking forward to it and waiting for you. Not the other way around. Now he is finally responding at 2pm and you are upset with me because I have standards for my time and have moved on. I did not stand you up, he did. I did not back burner you, he did and I am not the one who did not fulfill my obligation to the plan, that was him. I am just here, patiently, but adamantly moving on with my day. I already found a man who respects me and my time and I married him. I can’t, with right mind, wait on some 18 year old boy. I’m just not built for that. You should not be either. BUT, she likes this boy and is willing to over comp for some young man who has not earned the right to her compromise. His grandma and dog are still alive. An uncharged phone is not a good enough excuse for me. We’ve def had a talk about standards before, but it needed a refresher and this time discussing it in the moment, I was not being heard. Her feelings were just too loud to compete with. This is just one fresh example of standards, but… our girls need to hear from us (before it happens) what an unacceptable demand on their time looks like. It’s ok to not be readily available, he will learn to respect your time and do better next time. And if he is not willing to accept your boundaries, he is best left where ever he is. Have standards!

2.       Learn how to spot and deal with a crazy… Hopefully your daughter never has to deal with a crazy person, but she should know that it is real, it is out there and there is a way it should be dealt with. I have been watching this show “Under the Dome” (don’t ask! It’s some weird sci-fi show Mr. B has me on…), but in it a girl gets kidnapped by her boyfriend and I want to yell at her through the screen. “Stop provoking his crazy!” First off, look for signs of crazy. Some crazy is more obvious than others, but watch for the signs. Pay attention to how he talks to and treats others. If he yells and curses out his mother, he is okay with treating you the same. If small things (like traffic, petty disagreements) evoke an angry response from him, run! If  everything feels like personal injustice to him, everyone and everything is out to get him and he doesn't/can't take any responsibility to things that happen to him, leave and don't ever look back! If you’re not sure, and you’re still getting to know him, be sure to avoid private places or anywhere that you’d have to be alone with him. If you do find yourself somewhere alone with a person who appears crazy in any form, no need to push his buttons, pretend all big and bad and provoke him. The world is crazy, people are becoming increasingly braver with the level of nuts they are allowing themselves to reach. No need to try and match their crazy and wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. Sometimes crazy just needs a little ego stroke. This is not the time to test out your female machismo. Yes, you are the ish and he shouldn’t talk to you any kind of way. I guess he does not know who he’s dealing with. Sure you could tell him you’re going to get Pookie and them on him. But that is not the way to deal with a crazy. Crazy likes to match crazy and it is quite possible his crazy will blow your crazy out the water. Do not get angry. Just play it cool. Keep it calm. Speak in low, almost sensual voice. Say all the right things, whatever it is he wants to hear. Pretend all is well. Be hurt, be sad if necessary. But do not get angry, say mean things or act as though this is the end. Speak of the next time you’re going to see him, and when you get away… STAY AWAY! Do not just meet him to get anything, not for a second. He may be normal over the phone and calm for many a times after that first crazy incident, but DO NOT (I repeat) DO NOT trust it! Crazy knows how to be manipulative and regain your trust. He may be so good at crazy, that he’s even better than before. But whenever you see that first proof of crazy, believe it and stay away from it. Do not be fooled. Crazy is not cute!

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This is list is clearly still in the works. There are an endless number of lessons that should be taught to our daughters as they become interested in boys. I make it a point to sit down and talk to my girls as these thoughts come to me. I don’t want them to ever say I didn’t tell them. So as it comes up they know what I’ve told them, then can make an educated choice at the best course of action to take. Our children will never do everything we advise them of, but it is still ours job to prepare and inform them. Feel free to let me know anything you think should be added to the list. And I will update it as it comes to me.

That’s my (I’ve been there, done that, bought the T-shirt and wore that joker out) peace!

Love, Tam

Desperate isn't cute
Do not want to be the topic of locker room talk 
It's not okay for you to be crazy either 
You are worth the wait 
No, you can not date his "friend" too