Friday, January 17, 2014

The One You Can't Live Without, or Nah?

you know that saying... "you shouldn't marry the person you can live with, you should marry the one you can't live without" ??? I'd like to call BULL on it!

You should definitely marry the person you can live with. And how do you ever know you can't live without someone until you've actually tried? How do you find that out? Do you break up with someone you love and see how it feels to live without them? I imagine a little will and a lot of prayer can find you some peace in having to live without anyone, no? And what kind of life is that where you can't go on just because you aren't with a certain person? Sounds crazy to me.

Often times, we have these ideals in our mind of what marriages should be like. We anticipate feeling a certain way, and having all this constant passion and lust... not to say this doesn't exist, but it's really not what we should be banking on when choosing the person to marry. Marriage (cause I know it all in my, not even, 2 year run at it LOL), is patience and forgiveness, it's balance and compromise, it's two people deciding to go at it together, even when it isn't so fun or easy. It's hard as crap some days. There are times when you go days without even seeing each other, and neither of you is out of town. "Did we talk today? How's your day been going? Great! Love you, see you later HOPEFULLY." No, really. I went a whole week only waking up to Mr. Brawner, saying goodbye, maybe seeing him 12-13 hours later, only to part ways again. I think I may remember him coming to bed and opening one eye just to make sure it was him.... only to wake up and do it all again, for a week! Of course after that week, we sat down and made a plan to fit each other in for some serious QT and to catch up. Imagine if you married someone you couldn't live without? You'd be dead, depressed, and unhappy. There IS passion and lust, and...*TMI alert* a lot of quiet dirty talk, covert text messages, inside jokes, quick body feels and stolen make-out sessions when we think all the kids will be out of the room for a minute. But then, one of the big ones will come running in with the baby in arm, all while the baby projectile vomits (probably from the baby anxiety of being ran down the steps) all over the floor while still in motion, and the big one almost slips in the vomit... poor baby, all wide eyed and terrified. Do babies know fear? Then. there's those moments you're in bed and you discover there's poo on your arm, then realize it's on your sheets, then just about vomit yourself when you see you've pretty much rolled into a poo pyramid, there from the poo diaper you left on the bed earlier. Passion? HHAAAAAA!!!!!!! I laugh at your passion. What if all we had was passion and not someone who we can live with? Those moments we laugh at, because we're friends that have more than passion, would be annoying if we were too occupied with being passionate. SO WHAT we aren't living la vida loca every night. What we've got... is so much more than that. And we figure we have time to make up the passion, we've already planned for forever :)
There will be boring days and days when the passion is seemingly dried up and you'll be thankful that you married someone "you can live with."

I don't know why they try to make "someone you can live with" sound so bad and unemotional, like you're just... "settling." It is settling in a way though... settling to marry your friend, settling to choose to love daily, settling for happiness and peace. I settled to marry the person who makes me laugh, who is patient and kind. Someone, who even on the bad, crazy, less passionate, moody, and cranky days, I can still live with.

Who is this person you can't live without, anyway? Any time I thought I had to deal with learning to live without someone I thought I couldn't, I've somehow moved on and figured out how to. And some of the ones I can think of that I felt this way about, Hallelujah, Thank ya JESUS, I finally get to live without them. It is definitely for the best.

Who decided to make settling mean, "I chose less than I deserve"?
"Settle" really isn't such a bad word.

Commit to marrying someone you can live with, there will be passion, laughter, memories and so much more!
That's my (IMO) peace!
XOXO Love, Tam

gerund or present participle: settling
  1. 1.
    resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem).
    "every effort was made to settle the dispute"
    synonyms:resolve, sort out, solve, clear up, endfix, work out, iron out, straighten out, set right, rectifyremedyreconcileMore

  2. 2.
    adopt a more steady or secure style of life, esp. in a permanent job and home.
    "one day I will settle down and raise a family"

Thursday, January 2, 2014

On With the New Year! 2014

I don't feel obligated to make New Year's resolutions. I don't wait until a fresh year to come just to decide to change some thing that needs changing. It's always a good time to resolve to be better and change, BUT... Because it is a new year, now is a good time to turn over a new leaf and do things differently than before. So in the spirit of the new year, I resolve to...

1. Offer the same grace to others that I give to Mr. Brawner. He doesn't know it, but Mr. Brawner has it way good. My relationship with him is the one I put the most work in to, the one I read "self help" books for, the one I get advice on and work to make better daily. He is the one person I work to supply with an unlimited amount of grace. I work to forgive him ahead of the apology. It is often my prayer to forgive him even if he never apologizes. I offer him an unlimited amount of benefit, in spite of the doubt. AND I give him room for error. I allow him to go crazy, have a bad day, misstep, misspeak, and just down right have an unwarranted attitude without a lot of slack. "Oh Mr. Brawner is having a bad day? Let me give him a break and some space to work out that issue knowing he isn't intentionally taking it out on me." I know his heart and his intention is never to do me harm, so I consider the positive in all of his actions.
So I resolve to offer this amount of love to all the people I choose to be in relationship with. Some of you get this treatment automatically, it just doesn't require the same amount of work and effort that I put into it for Mr. Brawner. I am intentional about my love for him. I resolve to be intentional about my love for you.

2. Love people the way they need it. My love often comes across as bullying. Mr. Brawner can handle that, he doesn't mind being picked on. If I love you, I may make fun of you in good spirit. But there are some who need to be loved differently, more tenderly. I resolve to not be my hard self to those who need more tenderness. I don't want them to think I don't love them, and I don't expect them to just accept what I give. Loving them means compromising and being what they need.

3. Be more organized.
- clip some coupons. I spend a lot of time in grocery stores and spend a lot of money. Why shouldn't I save a little coin in the process. It's free, it's easy, it's smart!
-be tidier. I am a mess. Mr. Brawner is OCD and going crazy. I love my husband and I don't want him to go crazy... not on my watch!
-not be a hoarder. I have so much crap that I am never going to use. 4 burners and 20 pots? Why? And that's just one on the list of many. Swap Party 2014???
-make lists. My memory is failing me. I talk aloud to myself over and over just so I don't forget to do something. And then, more often than not, I still forget something. I should just write it down.
-make and keep a routine/schedule

4. Not sweat the small stuff. Everything doesn't have to be something. Know what I mean? I feel the need to get a lot of things off my chest. It's therapeutic for me. You don't have to wonder how I feel about most things because most likely I am going to tell you and be unsugar-coatedly honest about it. BUT... I am working to not sweat the small stuff. Everything doesn't have to be something. (Unless I am paying you for this service and in that case, everything is something and whatever that something is, is everything! Know what I mean?)

5. Take more time for myself. I am a lot of things to a lot of people, and that's ok. I enjoy my life. But sometimes I just need to take a little more time for myself. Take care of me so that I'm able to take care of all of them better. I got gifted a spa day months ago. Why haven't I spa'd yet?

6. Use the part of my brain that gets neglected because my job isn't challenging enough. I can go all day and not use the part of my brain that... does what brains do. I can live on auto pilot. I resolve to think more, challenge my brain. Puzzle, write, read for knowledge. I am smart, I don't want my smart to get slow and stale. I can feel it happening. Maybe I need a new job. Maybe because I like the people at my job, I need to figure out how to create a new job at my job.

7. Spend more time outside. I am an indoor girl, but I love what outside looks like. I need to de-bourgeois myself and put on some sneakers and be out in the air, with the trees and dirt and bugs and... ew!!! But it's so pretty out there and I want to see it. I wish I had a bubble.

8. Be the me I loved. I love 2009-2010 Tamika that put on outdoor clothes and ran. I loved how it felt, and I loved how it made me look. I was healthy, had a great head of hair and a body I wanted to photograph in the nude. Where is that girl? This current body just isn't cutting it.

9. Blog more. My thoughts feel better outside of my head. Even if they are never seen by anyone or read ever again... they belong out of my head. My sanity appreciates it.

10. Create memories with the people I love. Yes, I see my husband and kids everyday, but we're not really spending time together, not making any memories. And all those other people I love and never get to see... let's make some memories! Once a month, once a season... whenever and however it has to happen, let's do it!

I had to have a list of 10 just to make it feel complete... 10 was easy and I could prob think of 10 more. What are your New Year's resolutions?

That's my (first of many in 2014) PEACE!!!

Love, Tam