Speaking of survival... this morning my brother wasn't able to drive me to work. Instead of driving myself to the train station and parking there as usual, I chose to be frugal and ride the bus. Usually, I like to remain in my "bubble of security", and riding the bus is not included in this bubble but I'm working on feeling free. As I walked from the side streets of my house out to the main street, I began to feel an tinge of anxiety.
Ever feel like you were over something until something else provoked those same emotions? (Shakira said this statement made sense although I question it) I'll explain... I have been living in my security bubble now for over a year. I feel like I am over the feelings of being in an abusive relationship that didn't end well and feeling like I should be looking over my shoulder at all times. I thought those "fears" (I hesitate on calling it that) had left me. I don't feel afraid, just... conscious/aware. As, I'm walking away from my house, I realized I didn't want to be standing on a main street where anyone could just drive by and see me. I thought about turning around walking back home and getting my car from out the garage and driving to the train, but that would have been ridiculous right? I couldn't let the "fear" consume/control me. So I'm standing on the main street now (alone, but not) and as I begin to relax, crossing the street is a (very homely, nappy faced, unkempt) man holding a paper bagged beverage yelling all kinds of absurdities (drunk!). I'm thinking to myself "really? is this a test?" I wanted to cry... not from fear (I will never be afraid again) but from the irony and overwhelmingness (dont judge my word) of the situation. I felt like God was putting me in this situation to see how I was going to respond and I felt unprepared. I felt like I should not even be having these worries... I should be over this! This is not my life anymore... why? Why didn't I just drive to the train station? Why am I standing here on this main street worrying that "he" could drive by and see me? Why is there some random drunk, angry man approaching me? Why did I even put myself in this situation? I was mad at myself for still being in this place, I thought I was at peace... (this is supposed to be the PEACE of Tam!!!!) *sighs* Then God, "Tamika, why don't you trust me to take care of you? You trust me to watch over Kai and Nae, you trust me to get them to school safely and back home safely, you trust that I'll heal their hearts from that experience. Why don't you trust that I'll do the same for you?" So, as I'm standing there waiting for the bus (that of course was like 10 minutes late), I done been moved my knife (yes, its be's like that sometimes... don't tell everybody) from my purse to my back pocket. Like forreals had he tried me, I wasn't going for no foolishness this morning! He walked very closely by me like 3 times, pacing, then from a distance he yelled to me asking did I have a cigarette. Of course I did not, apparently he didnt like that and started going off (yelling obscenities and expletives) just being drunk I suppose. Thankfully more people walked over, he calmed down, poured out the rest of his early morning breakfast beer and stood semi quietly smoking the cigarette he'd bummed off one of the newcomers. I semi relaxed again, texted Nae to distract myself from the moment and pretty soon after the bus came.
Ever feel like you were over something until something else provoked those same emotions? I am not in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic anymore. I thought I was over those feelings/"fears". Why am I hiding in the "safety" of my security bubble? Why am I concerned when I'm out somewhere alone, he may show up? Why did the sight of some random guy with beer for breakfast breath turn my whole world upside down? Why am I even thinking about how I was going to defend myself? I'm not thinking this is normal behavior... "did I fail the test God?" Why am I not trusting Him to take care of me? I'm telling myself now that I did it, I survived it (sans the anxiety attack that would have been guaranteed a year or so ago). Major strides I'd say... aside from the impending potential stabbing, all went well.
As I was standing there, after I relaxed some, Kirk Franklin's The Blood Song came on my ipod... it made my morning. And I hate to admit, for a second I thought "yea, I was going to see just how red his blood was if he messed with me." But aside from that, the song really blessed me....
The Blood Song~ Kirk Franklin, ft. Crystal Lewis & Jaci Velasquez
*sighs* well it was an interesting morning. I refuse to let that take away from the JOY I feel on Fridays. I appreciate you guys spending some time in my bubble (get in my bubble! *in my fat Bastard voice*)
That's my PEACE... (no worries, I'm on my way back to it, Fred Hammond station on Pandora all day!) Happy Weekend guys and don't let Irene catch you slippin! Be safe :)