Monday, August 22, 2011

The Tears

It's first day of school Monday! I felt so overwhelmed about this last night, so I went to bed early in hopes of being at least mentally prepared for the morning to come. Let me tell you... NOTHING could have prepared me for this morning. (ok, so maybe I'm being a little dramatic) It was a little rough, but we survived it. Or at least, so far, I have. Idk about Kai and Nae yet. I made sure to pray over little Ikaia last night before bed cause I knew she was feeling anxiety about a new school. Then when she added her own concerns to the prayer, I knew it was serious. This morning, she woke up just fine on her own and by the time I got up, she was already mostly dressed and ready (to you parents of young children, one day this will be you also). I did the finishing touches on her... fixed her hair, made sure there were no corner eye crusties and we left. Although she's a walker, I drove her to school and we walked up together (her holding my hand really tightly) and stood in a line where 6th graders were to wait. I prayed over her again, making sure to include her own prayers from last night. She told me her stomach wasn't feeling well and then the tears began filling up in her eyes. Before I knew it, they were flowing pretty full force down her face. "Mommy, I don't feel well and I just really want to go home!" (my heart melted). My little girl (who never cries) is standing here boo-hooing at school. I lifted her pretty brown face, wiped the tears and reminded her she would be fine. "You're smart and pretty and have a wonderful personality. You make friends where ever you go! I know these things about you so I'm not worried, and you know them about yourself so you shouldn't worry either. I love you and I know you'll be fine." Then I proceeded to kiss her and she kinda nudged me away. "oh! so you can cry in front of all these people but I can't kiss you? omg" She half smiled at me and I knew she would recover from the teary moment. Nae and I walked her to her class and soon after, we left her. She still wasn't her normal self but I knew I wouldn't be doing her any favors by staying and being her crutch. I gave her the tools, but she had to walk the rest of the way alone. Of course, I did not want to leave her. Of course, I'm going to be thinking about her all day (slightly worried). *sighs* It was really rough for me. She never (ever) cries, so when she does it weakens my heart. It took everything in me not to let the tears consume my own eyes, but I kept it together (thank you Lord)! She's been crying a lot lately, but deep down I know its for the best. She's finally breaking down those walls that her vulnerability is hiding behind. She is usually so tough (but not really), nothing bothers her (but it does), she doesnt care about anything (except she's really sensitive). It wasn't healthy for her always thinking she has to be in control of her every emotion, always ok, unfazed. Weakness is alright Ikaia, you dont always have to keep it together all the time. I want to cry right now because I know its my fault, my (being in an abusive relationship) issues reflected on her. I wasn't so stupid that I didnt think she would not be affected... I am just thankful that my baby is finally starting to let the walls fall. Hopefully these new found tears are just the pathway to the breakthrough. I want her to know how it feels to be free too... (no crying Tamika!)
*sighs* well ok! We survived it, a few tears later... but I know forreals, she'll be more than fine.
Nae started a new school too (10th grade), her bus was late, and she hadn't gotten her homeroom info yet. But I couldn't take anymore dramatic moments. So Kirk, gladly drove her to school to help her figure out where she should go. I know deep down he wanted to anyway, he's always on big brother mode and he probably wanted to survey her surroundings. Let the suckas know to she has someone watching out for her and we don't go for no foolishness! No taking advantage of my sweet Nae, uh uhn! All my babies are growing up, I'm just so proud of them.
My job feels real tough sometimes, it gets hard and I often feel overwhelmed but... it's all worth it! I love seeing them happy and doing well. Despite all my problems and failures, (by God's grace) they are still blessed and covered. My Kai keeps her straight A's and my sweet Nae is so secure in herself and confident (not letting them boys distract her, thank you Lord). They'll be ok today and every other day, this I know and pray.
I hope everyone gets their wonderful babies off to a good first day of school this year. Remember to pray over them, encourage them, and remind them of their AWESOMENESS! Shower them with love and praise and remember to listen to them go ON and ON about their days at school. If you dont listen to the good, they wont feel confident in telling you about the bad, its our job to be there for both. Remember to stay tuned in to your children's lives and education. They are our future! Please Lord, let tomorrow be a little easier... p-p-p-please?


  1. *tears* I cried reading this whole blog ( sometimes I guess I'm a dork too or overly! Lovin ur blogs can't stop reading them.

  2. you are taking a serious leap into my life Kiwi. This is my journal... if you keep reading you're gonna know my whole life. We wont have anything to talk about! lol