Friday, December 30, 2011

Peace and Accountabilty Partners

Good (last of 2011) Friday! I don't think I've ever posted on the weekends... so after today, next time I see you guys it'll be 2012! Unless you plan on stopping through my impromptu party tomorrow night, that I am (as always) unprepared for. But I am certain I'll get it together (as usual)

So, I did my 45 minutes on the treadmill yesterday evening... yay me! Currently: my legs feel like spaghetti! I am so sore and unstable, I need J's "balance" bracelet (he claims it works, I am not a believer.. yet!) But I did it and I feel good! So good, I'm going to do it again today! And the day after that, and the day after that...
I am telling you all this because I need you to hold me accountable. If I only place these desires in my head, then leave them there... that is exactly where they will stay. I need to know I told you I was going to do something, and now I definitely have to do it! You guys are my accountability partners! So feel free (I encourage you) to ask me about my progress... "Tamika, did you work out today?" Please ask me, then either congratulate me if I did and scold me if I didn't. I need that! I am not that great at being my own self motivator, but maybe after I make it a habit I will be in business.

I am feeling good about all the changes in store. I know alot of people don't believe in New Year's Resolutions... I am one of them admittedly! But it's always a good time to make positive changes toward your future, and since this is the New Year, why NOT today?
I love and appreciate all of my followers/readers... I pray that you all have a prosperous and wonderful New Year. Til next year...

I wish you PEACE and blessings in 2012,

 Tamika (that's my last 2011 peace!!!)

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Baby Steps, Bushy Hair and Banana Clips!

I feel some kinda away about my repurchased favorite jeans not fitting in the size I usually buy them in! Some kinda horrible... is this the motivation I needed to get my hindpots into gear?
One of my New Year's Resolutions was to take better care of me! And that means this weight has got to go, no more excuses!
If you can remember, one of my main reasons for not working out avidly is this natural hair (that I'm tryna wear straight). So in the spirit of no longer caring about who thinks what about my natural hair, I washed it last night and did NOT straighten it. I didn't do a dag on thing to it after I got out the shower, except brush it into a ponytail. I had no idea what I was going to make happen this morning, knowing I had to go to work, but....

I stuck a banana clip in that joint sideways and made it work! Now I have no excuse to not get my behind on the treadmill when I get home. And I will be in my new workout clothes (compliments of Santa Gigi) running (maybe walking) like the (slow) wind. :)

Wish me luck!!!

That's my (starting the NEW YEAR'S Resolution off on a good foot) peace!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

On with the New Year!

Happy Wednesday!!! It's been a while, I shouldn't of left you... without a dope beat to step to, step to! LOL!!!
Hey Everyone, I hope you all had a super Merry Christmas! "Was Santa good to you?" (That's what one of my coworkers said to me today, figured I'd pass it on.) I have to be honest with you guys... I LOVE the holidays, but I am SO glad it's over! SO GLAD! Christmas, as wonderful as it is, is super stressful. I resolve not to be Christmas stressed next year. Aside from the tom foolery of the holidays, I enjoyed mine. The gifts, the time with my family, celebrating my birthday... all good times! Hope all of you enjoyed your Christmas as well. On with the NEW YEAR!
2012 will be here in just a few days. And the end of the year always brings yearly reflection for me... like what was I doing this time last year? and the year before that? Thankful that every year brought some growth and progress. Thankful that I am not where I was just two years before, praise God!!! Hoping that 2012 continues to be a year of moving forward, making positive changes, and living a life pleasing to God. I am excited about 2012! I've got a feeling it's going to be the awesomeness! I get to be a bride this year... that sounds fun, right? Remember the post... Wedding? I'm not that girl... (viewer discretion advised)? Disregard the (viewer discretion advised) portion... but in the 1st paragraph I talk about how I have no visions of a wedding.

"I haven't ever "dreamed" about the kind of wedding I want. I don't have a color scheme picked out, cake flavors, ideal dress, flowers, bridesmaids... nothing!"

Well I think it's about time I start dreaming! (Or better yet planning) I always thought I just wanted to go to the Justice of the Peace, no hoopla, no foolishness... just us making it official. But my J always wanted something more than that, and now so do I. I still don't have a color scheme picked out, but I have been looking at wedding and bridesmaid dresses. And now I am officially excited! I still only want something simple, small and intimate... but there is a vision of something with my very special someone. I swear he brings a different side out of me. The perfect guy for me found me (after much stalking), and now I can focus on the details of a wedding. I've got the most important part all handled... the groom is hot! :) Oh yea, 2012 is about to be AWESOME!!!

On with the NEW YEAR!

You want to know what else I'm looking forward to in 2012? (don't laugh or judge me!) The Hunger Games MOVIE, March 23, 2012... If you didn't know, the current BYOB (book club) read is The Hunger Games, and I thought it was an amazing book. I never wanted to put it down. I loved it so much, I went on ahead and finished reading the whole series. I loved every minute of it and I highly recommend this book to all ages! Our book club meeting for The Hunger Games will be held on either January 14th or 21st, so you still have time to start reading and join us. Then look forward to the movie coming out in March. I highly recommend you read the book before you see the movie. Movies always ruin it for the book, they are never as good. I cant think of one instance where the movie prevailed in content over the book. Not The Help, not The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo... and on and on! Those are just the most recent disappointments I could think of.

I so wanted to post the trailer for the movie, but I know I didn't want to look at it until i finished reading the series. I'd hate to ruin that for anyone else! But if you don't care and want to watch the trailer (click here)

So many wonderful things to look forward to in 2012... ON WITH THE NEW YEAR!!! :)

A Happy New Year to everyone! If I don't talk to you again before New Year's Eve, enjoy your New Year but please drive, drink and think responsibly.

That's my peace!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I Resolve to...

Happy Wednesday All! With the New Year right around the corner, I think now is a good time to make some resolutions! *cue Aaliyah song here* "We need a resolution...." Anywhoozle, I'm not usually one to make New Year's Resolutions. I think if something needs to be altered, why wait until January 1st to start the change? But seeing as how New Year's is right around the corner, I think I could think of a few things that I could work on myself...

1. Procrastination- I am a serious procrastinator. I seriously feel I work better under the pressure, but I also feel I'd be more efficient if I gave myself ample time to get things completed. I've been trying to be a "Jules like" list maker for a minute now, to no avail. Maybe she hogged that portion of the gene pool and there was nothing left for me.... dang it Jules! Still I am going to resolve to not be a procrastinator

2. Take better care of myself- Maybe this needs to be broken down into subtexts...
  • Eat better- it's more than just losing weight... it's about my health, my skin, my energy level. I want to be healthier and thinner (of course). I canNOT with the extra 30 lbs anymore! I deserve better for myself
  • Workout- this black woman, black hair thing is really holding me back. But in the long run, the grander scheme of things, I have to do what's best for my body... not my hair! (*cue*) "I am NOT my hair" (but I SO am though!) I love my hair :(   *sighs*
  • Get more Tam Time- How often do I make time for me?! I must admit, I've gotten better with this in the last few months. I cant let those kids make me feel so obligated to wait on them hand and foot. I will fix dinner and your plates, but you pour your own drink, get your own ketchup as I sit and eat... yea, its that bad! They are all grown enough to handle those things. I do not have toddlers running around the house, so why am I doing all the work? It had to start small for me in that way, now on to bigger things like leaving them home as I go out to enjoy my day ALONE sometimes. They do NOT own me or all of my time. I am allowed Tam Time! And I resolve to take more of it.
3. Choose my words more carefully- This is big for me. I am a "no nonsense" kinda girl. I mean what I say and I say what I mean, usually pretty unapologetic. But sometimes it is not the nicest possible way to get things done. Sometimes I just don't have time for pleasantries. "You know I love you, so don't take what I say so personally" is my stance on things. But I have to remember we are human (sensitive) and if I love you, I would choose a better way to communicate so that it doesn't possibly hurt you. And I do! So I will! I resolve to be a little nicer (now, don't go expecting me to turn into a complete wuss, but... I will soften my tone some). I feel I have already taken the intention out of this resolution with my own doubt, but work with me now people! I will resolve to try and choose my words more carefully. LOL

I think this is enough resolve for one New Year. I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much work, only to set myself up for failure. I am going to get these few things under control and see how I turn out at the end of 2012... I hope we all can take a look at ourselves and see what could be worked on, not just for the New Year but for everyday of every year.

What are some of your resolutions?

That's my peace!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Happy Tamika Day! (Part I)

Vows to Jerry (Unedited)

You are amazing. When we first met, I wrestled with my feelings for you because I was hurting and scared. Instead of  pressuring me, you took your time showing me what life with you is like and convincing me just how much I needed you. You, ever so patient and loving, allowed me to take my time in falling in love with you. I know it wasn't easy, but you held my hand and loved me the whole way. One day, I just knew there was no one else in the world like you and I couldn't risk losing you, so I jumped in with both feet. I haven't regretted a moment with you since. Everyday I spend with you, I love you more. You are so kind and generous, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world just because you love me. You have become my very best friend and I can not imagine life without you. I look forward to becoming your wife and I promise to honor and respect you, laugh with you, and love you faithfully through good times and bad regardless of the obstacles we face together. I give you my hand, my heart and my love from this day forward for the rest of my life.  I do not deserve the love that you give, but I thank God for not always giving us what we deserve... you are my blessing. I love you and I pray for the patience and kindness to be the wife you need until death do us part.  

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails..."

I know this was a bit personal of a post, but that's how it's going today... AND WHAT?

That's my (I'm in love with Jerry) peace!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Happy Thurs-Friday (to me anyway)!!!

Happy Thurs-Friday to me! And just Happy Thursday to those of you that will be at work tomorrow... haha! I really need to figure out how I can only work 2 days a week regularly. This week has been relaxingly awesome! I have been so refreshed, that the days I have been at work, I've been more than pleasant. I'm sure my coworkers have appreciated my pleasant demeanor, but it'll all be back to normal next week when I get back to the regularly scheduled program (sadly). But I am going to enjoy these last few vacation days while I can!
The weekend is almost here, and the celebration of Tamika Day begins tomorrow... I can't wait! Actually, I can wait since I am less than prepared, but I trust it will all come together as it should. I don't "New Year's resolute" (whenever changed is needed, it should happen ASAP). But since we are coming up on the New Year, I resolve to procrastinate less... I think for the purposes of "A Peace of Tam", I am going to have a resolution list. Maybe before it posts I can get some feedback on what some others think I may need to work on for next year and going forward. (Let's not get J started, lol. He doesn't complain about anything hardly ever... but when he does, he tends to have a whole list of things that can be fixed "since we're on the subject" haha. Gotta love him!)

I wanted to talk about giving and receiving advice today, but I'm not really in the mood to be all knowledgeable and philosophical, so we're going to skip that one until I'm feeling it. But a friend recently told me that I give the best advice and it had me thinking... but, all that for another day! I think I am going to take this time to skip out to VS, Filene's and CVS. If you know the location of these stores, feel free to meet me there or find me for a Tamika Day lunch another day (on you).
I will be semi enjoying my day off tomorrow butt loads of errands and trying to prep myself and my home for guests... so if I don't see you again before then, enjoy your weekend!

10 more days until the OFFICIAL Tamika Day!!! Happy Tamikadays to you all!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Happy Monday-Tuesday! I enjoyed my day off yesterday, R.A.P. to me! After taking Kai to school, I came back home and SLEPT the whole morning away... it was awesome! I eventually got up and ran a few errands, but no rushing, no hurrying. I actually especially left out to get the sequel to the BYOB book The Hunger Games. I enjoyed that book thoroughly, so I went to pick up Catching Fire and I (believe it or not) sat down on a bench in the mall and read it. ( I was waiting for J's watch to get fixed), but nonetheless, I did NOT fill the time with foolishness, just R.A.P. (Rest and peace!), chilling on the bench reading! It was deliciously wonderful. I eventually went back home and chilled out... did a little cleaning, lounged with the fam, good relaxing day. And now, here I am at work, rested and refreshed. Today is looking to be a good Monday-Tuesday! I wish I could take every Monday off, but I know my office would THINK they were falling apart. I always come back to so much work when I take days off, that's why I usually (unless necessary) never take more than one day off in a row. They can always tell themselves "Tamika will be in tomorrow, no worries!" I actually pride myself in being needed (not to this extent sometimes), but I'd much rather be needed than dispensable. Not everyone can do what I do!
So I'm here today, and off again tomorrow! Woohoo! I have so many things to get done, and I can really only knock one thing off the list... Tamika Day outfit has been confirmed! Everything else is only a distant thought. I should make a list or something, keep myself focused and on track. I need to Finish/start my Christmas shopping, (can I *Chandler Bing* BE any later on this?) But I'll have it together... hopefully. I need to make this reservation... (hold please, gonna do that now actually). I didn't like the outcome of that, I need a Plan B :(. See, this is why you should NOT procrastinate.. lesson learned!
Update: the stockings have been hung (by the chimney with But no really, J hung the stockings this weekend. My sweet Kai is taking a picture for me right now and sending it, so it'll be posted shortly... 

The day has slipped away from me and I have to go now, but I'll chat with you again on Thursday when I'm back at work!

Thanks for the pic Kai... that's my peace!

Friday, December 9, 2011

"Stockings were (not yet) hung..."

It's Friday!!!! oh yea! I don't know what the weekend holds, but I know who holds the weekend... Do you guys know that song from The Sounds of Blackness? (only "weekend" was substituted for "future"). Anywhoozle, I don't really have a topic today. I just felt like I should say hello, check up on you guys. Maybe share some updates...

I am midway through The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and I must say, I like it alot. It's not typical of most (really any) books I read. Not really into futuristic/ sci-fi/ fantasy, but nevertheless I am thoroughly enjoying this read. I hope everyone is joining me in reading this book and Ilook forward to seeing you all at the next BYOB meeting. There are sequels to this book, (although BYOB doesn't usually go through sequels, for the sake of newcomers) but I intend to read the others in my spare time.
Yes! it is that good so far.

I don't have a set plans for the weekend. I am intending to go on the hunt for the Tamika Day outfit... I'll let you all know how that works out. I have something in mind, but I don't want to spoil it just yet. Especially since when I visualize the outfit in my mind, I am tall and thin. In reality, I am neither (kinda working on one). But I am still creating a positive vision of myself in this certain outfit. Cross your fingers I can even find it, let alone look stunning in it. Maybe I should take an (HONEST) friend with me...
Regardless, I am sure there will be pics (if I can get it together and remember to photo the moments), and I will make sure to post them so you all can ooh and ahh! That's just how I do!

Last night, while J was at band practice, I took that time to decorate our family Christmas stockings (compliments of J). He's so special... And I do actually have a picture of the nicely, if I say so myself, personalized stockings. We only accidentally left Kirk out, but we'll get him one before it TOO LATE! lol... (dramatic) Only thing left is to have "the stockings hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon will be here". But that's J's job, I did my "artistic" part!

I gave myself a heart to match Kai's heart and cause I LOVE all of them...
Jerry was at band practice, so he had nothing.
I guess he can tell me later :)

Ikaia asked for a heart by her name
Nae asked for a music note
Jaz wanted a star by her name, I did my best!
*singing* It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... at the Brawner house! Our tree has been up since the weekend after Thanksgiving, I shoulda taken a picture of that! Kai did an excellent job working with what she had, but in my opinion our 7 1/2 foot tree could use more ornaments!
It's still very pretty and Christmas will be here before you know it! Which is scary because I have been Queen Procrastinator when it comes to Christmas shopping. I've gotten a very minuscule amount done and I only have 15 full days left! But I am certain that I will be productive soon, I work best under pressure... so NOT! But it is what it is...

Jada and Jalynn were in bed when the stockings were done, they can tell me what they want by theirs later...
  Happy Tamika Days everyone!

That's my (Christmas stocking) peace!

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Goose is Getting Fat (headed)!

Happy December 5th everyone! There is no relevance to December 5th (sorry if I caused you any confusion)... but this is the day that the Lord has made, REJOICE REJOICE! :) Happy Monday! And I am legitimately happy today. Not the "I am choosing to be happy but I'm really in the pits" kinda happy either. I had a good weekend that involved quality time with my girls, my family and my J... it was just full and wonderful. And I am well rested to have a wonderful Monday. I hope you all are doing the same. Or maybe some of my JOY can rub off on you, here's hoping!

But it really is December already, and that means Tamika Day is coming! I will be 29 in 20 days and... wow! Having a Christmas Birthday is not easy. I really truly believe I am scarred for life. But after overcoming my "so what it's my birthday" blues, I decided that I am going to celebrate it. I have never been happier in my life, and I want to take this opportunity to celebrate my day while I am this happy. Next year may not be this happy (although I am ALMOST positive it will be better)... I am usually pretty bah humbug about my birthday, with it being on Christmas and all and I try to overcompensate for the celebration. But this year, I decided to keep it as simple as possible and not try to overload it with "things" just to attempt to make it wonderful. Although I haven't ironed out all the details yet, I've decided on dinner and a house party! I wanna get dressed up and go out to eat somewhere with a few of my friends and then (possibly a whole other day) be at home, cozy and have everyone I know and love celebrate Tamika Day just having a good time together. Sounds simple enough, right? Well I am expecting it to be a good old fashion simple fun time! Now all I need to do is figure out where I'm having this wonderful, "I'm all dressed up" dinner and what the theme of this "house party" is going to be (games?). I'm excited! And you BETTER be too! (that is an order). I refuse to allow Christmas (said with disdain) and now the NBA to overshadow Tamika Day! I am special!!! lol (and crazy apparently) Now, I hope to see you all at my house party, ok? And please feel free to bring a gift. If you read my blog regularly, I'm pretty certain you have an idea of the kinds of things I like... but just in case you feel lost, I'll help you out (haha, humor me)...

I like:
lip gloss
eye makeup
you can never fail w/ a gift card
otherwise, I'm sure you'll think of something! lol

Anywhoozle, aside from my birthday... Christmas is coming! "the goose is getting fat!" (and so is my head apparently). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Christmas! I love the season, I love the jolly, the family time... I just wish it wasn't on the same day as my birthday! But who better to share the recognition of a birthday with than Jesus. So after I get Tamika Day out my system, I will delight in the joy of the holidays with everyone else. Christmas is at my Aunt Lisa's house, so no meal planning and confusion for me! Yay me! I hope everyone takes some time from the hoopla of presents and lights and Santa and remember to share that Jesus is the REAL reason for the season. In the spirit of the holidays, be kinder. Celebrate Jesus' Birthday by sharing his love, mercy and grace to those around you.

I hope the season treats you all well!

Ok, back to it being about me (teeheehee). I am going to think long and hard on Tamika Day plans and if you have any ideas on a nice (yet reasonable) restaurant, please feel free to share. For one day (ok, maybe a week), I'm gonna make it all about me. Follow suit...

Although not completely related,  today's blogging took my mind to this song... enjoy!

Happy Tamikadays!

That's my (big headed) piece!!!!

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Almost! It's almost Friday, I almost thought I was out of my slump (maybe "almost" I was). I almost missed the bus this morning, I almost burnt my toast, it's almost my birthday, I almost didn't let him love me, almost!

What is this word "almost"? If you say it and see it enough times in a row, it's a strange word. almost, almost, almost!
What if these "almost" incidents actually really happened? What if we were never even close? I just feel like I say "almost" a lot. Thank God it is almost Friday though!
I have been feeling some kind of way lately. I've got a lot going on, I'm having a moment of sadness, I've just been feeling kinda low... I am in this SLUMP. I thought I was almost out of the slump, but I had a minor set back. What if I was already completely out of the slump? That'd be nice. But what if I was never even close to being out? What if I was so far gone, that I couldn't even see the light at the end? What if I never even found a moment of peace? Yes, I wish I was completely healed and restored back to a clear mind, but what if I wasn't even close? What if I was still curled up, in bed, crying, feeling like dying depressed. I thank God for "almost"!
I almost missed the bus... and that sucked having to put that extra pep in my step to make sure I didn't, but what if I had missed it completely? I thank God for almost! So what about the toast! (it wasn't that delightful) lol. but bigger (much bigger) than that...

I almost didn't let J love me. I almost was too scared to be vulnerable and let my guards down, I almost walked away more times than I want to recollect and maybe, just maybe he almost let me. Thank God for almost! I realize everyday we "almost" a lot of things. Some of them good, some bad... but what if we weren't even almost? I have to cross this CRAZY busy street everyday in the dark. And everytime I just "almost" get to the other side and almost get hit, yea I'm a little peeved that I almost got hit. It isn't a good feeling, but what if it wasn't almost? I could have really gotten hit, but I didn't. Thank God for almost!
Then again, sometimes the almost feels like a disappointment. I almost passed that test, or I almost got an A, or I almost got the job... but didn't. That sucks! But what if you were never in the running? What if you completely failed, or never even got the call back? Yea, the almost sucks... but not even being "almost' would suck even worse. At least we were "almost". So, let's work on thanking God for the almost even when it doesn't work in our favor. God knows what he's doing. That "almost" wasn't in his plan for you. Maybe He's showing you the almost so you know He's capable. Maybe He's showing you the almost because He needs you to see your own heart's desires and do better, try harder, pray more. Yes, He could make it all just happen, but where's the lesson in that? Thank God for the almost!
I almost gave up, but I didn't.
I almost didn't survive it, but I did!

I wanted to post a song the last couple of days... but yesterday, I forgot my song choice and today... well, Brandy didn't know what she was talking about in her "Almost Doesn't Count" song. It counts!

I ALMOST left my marshmallows at home today... TGFA!!! (Thank GOD for ALMOST!)
that's my (almost) peace!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Little About Nothing

Wednesdays used to be my favorite days, you slipping Wednesday! Something has to get right... ASAP! Good morning all! I am choosing to feel good today, work with me. :) I know I've been having a lot of "moments" lately but enough is enough already. I'm getting tired of myself (just a little, lol). Anyways, today's a new day... and I feel like I need to do some updates.
Yesterday, made it officially 3 weeks since I've been an engaged woman! If another person asks me "have you set a date?", I am going to SCREAM! lol ok, not really but geesh... can't I just be engaged for a minute is what I want to say. Since folk keep asking me, it makes me kinda think about how this all may go down. (This isn't what I wanted to talk about today. Why is it going here?) Anywhoozle, I have been thinking about when, where and how a wedding would be... I really just want something very small and very simple, but he has dreams of a real ceremony. Bridesmaids and groomsmen, receptions and first dances... I just want to be your wife! Someone will have to figure all this planning out, cause I'm really not that kinda girl. I don't want to pick colors or venues or think of guests. It's just all too much. I barely want to figure what I'm wearing to work every morning and I really don't think I can handle the added stress right now. If you hadn't noticed from my last few post, I am barely keeping it together! I just want to set a date, tell some people, say some vows and "I do", then kiss him til I cant anymore as his wife. Is that too much to ask? But since he has desires, and I have none, I am doing my first duty as wife and attempting to compromise. That just means I have to do a little extra thinking and it'll all be ok.

As you know, I hosted Thanksgiving at my house this year. And if I say so myself, it all went very nicely. I was a little concerned about fitting 30+ people in my house, but amazingly they all fit better than cozy. I had more space than I thought. Muy thanks to that J for organizing and reorganizing the tables and such to make a perfect set up for our guest... I could not have done it without you! It was a smash, dinner was delightful (again, no pictures... I will get better! What kinda blog never has pictures?), good times, good people... a hit I tell you!

What else am I supposed to be updating? BYOB chose a new book today... The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. If you're interested in being a part of book club, feel free to read along with us, let me know and I'll add you to the email updates.

 I feel like there is something that I am missing, but my mind is tired. Crazy it took me all day to write this blog... you all enjoy the rest of your day/evening.

That's my peace!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I am Woman, See Me Cry

Good Tuesday (after) Morning!

I have so much to say, but I don't know what to say... only that I want to say something. (Did that make sense?)
I've had a rough week (a REALLY ROUGH week), but I want to recover and feel grateful and smile... genuinely. How long do I get to feel how I feel? How long is allotted for wallowing and mourning? Am I just supposed to wake up one day and feel better? I don't think it works like that. I know there isn't a set time frame for sadness, I know all things heal in their own time... but can I get an estimate? "By Wednesday, December 14th at 3 p.m. EST, it'll all be good." Is that asking too much? I'm just being facetious. I know I cant plan a healing heart, but what I do know...
Life's circumstances are going to happen, that's a given. We can't control everything (anything really). But when life happens (and it will... guaranteed), the real test is in how we handle them. I want to be able to look back and see that I did not crumble. Life happened, and I handled it... with grace, hopefully. I got knocked down, but only for a second (ok, maybe a long minute) but not a lifetime. I didn't let my happenings control my happiness. Oh yes! I was definitely sad and I cried alot, but the tears have since been wiped and I am back in the game. I collected my composure, collected the hugs from my many loving supporters,  hugged myself, got the team into the huddle, gave them the game plan and... BREAK! Now here we are, back in the game and playing full force and #winning (much better than Charlie Sheen though). I did not give up and I am not a loser. I just had a moment where I got knocked down, but I was not out... never! I feel blessed in so many ways...

I often think back to just a few years ago. There was a time when I'd be sad or hurt and needed to cry, but I did it alone. I would feel by myself and cry by myself and no one would ever even know I was hurting. That only made the pain last longer. Oh GLORY, I am thankful that I can cry out loud! I can be sad and need a hug and let people see it and get exactly what I need to survive and recover. Just thinking about the sadness in that makes me want to cry now. So if you ever know that I am going through something, and yet you see me smiling and laughing and you wonder just how I am keeping it together... I am not. I only look like I have it together because I know God and all his many heavenly and earthly angels have my back. In my mind, I am fetal position, breaking down, crying and feeling like I'm dying. But my family and friends are beside me, behind me, around me holding me up and carrying me along and that is what you see. I hear Jules' everyday motivational voice and words of wisdom and strength, and it is her words of comfort that I am speaking to you and myself. It is my mom and her corny jokes and fun loving spirit that I am remembering allowing you and me a laugh although we are sad. It is J's strong and loving demeanor that is comforting me that I permeate to you even though I am borderline breaking down. It is Kai's refreshing, contagious smile that I am wearing even though I want to cry. It is Chelita's  "just knowing" friendship and presence that reminds me I always have someone I can call and talk to even when I don't know what it is I'm feeling or what I want to say, but whatever it is I know I can feel it and say it without fear of judgement. And... it is Nae's "Lord, we need you prayer" that I am repeating over and over to myself, because she offered it so genuinely, preciously and innocently right in the nick of time! So when you see me, just know that because God blessed me with all of these AMAZING people, I have JOY and will be okay. I know I can't do it all alone, so now I don't try to. I am a survivor but only because God is keeping me and placed just the right team around me to keep me in the game. And I am grateful!

Idk what to say from here... I am okay. I will be better than ok, I know it. I asked for it, it is already mine!
Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week, keep me in your prayers always. Someone help me think of a book to propose to book club... my mind is just not in decision making mode right now, but I do want to read and keep BYOB in full force. Until next time...

that's my PEACE!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Hide Me!

Good FRIDAY morning all!

Every once in a while, we all deserve to be a little crazy! I think I fulfilled my quota for a month's worth of crazy just in one day... yesterday! I don't think you all know how serious I was in my misery yesterday with my Occupy... the Kitchen post. But after spending the ENTIRE evening hiding in my room and that J giving me a loving, stern talking to... I feel a little better. As peaceful and refreshing as it was going on strike for an evening, I know I can't spend every evening "hiding" in my room. If only... maybe I should give myself a once a week break where nothing is my responsiblity, because (as much as I hate to admit it) I was happy in there. Grant it, that J came up and visited with me for a bit (he also bought them Chick-Fil-A like I knew he would)... AND (I apologize now if its seems cruel) but I did NOT miss those childrens' faces for the evening. I had absolutely no desire to step outside my space to check on them (sorry). But I am "on duty" 24 hours, 7 days a week. They even call me at work with their needs, requests, and demands. I go home, still on duty with homework, dinner, attitudes, and keeping them on task. So I think I have earned my one (just one) evening a week where I get to turn off, retreat... HIDE!

I have accepted this as life. I am not complaining (or am I?) about them, I'm just being real. I understand that they are children and are selfish by nature. They haven't completely grasped "the world does not revolve around me" attitude... they seriously think it does, I have learned. I am supposed to be at their beckon call, for their every desire and on their time... but I can't. And instead of trying to hide away and hope for better, in my "hide time" yesterday, I realized this:
God sees me, hears me, and understands all that I am dealing with. It doesn't always feel good, but if it did, when would I realize I needed Him? If it was always easy and if I knew I could always handle "those children" on my own, what would I have to call on Him for? I'd get lost in life, engagement, well behaved children and start thinking I've got it good! But now, I have to trust Him to work it out. I need to deal with this experience and them being extra difficult, so I don't get too proud thinking I've got it all under control. "Look at me, being super mom! ha!" God is like.. "NOT! You can't do it Tamika, watch! You'd go crazy if I didnt keep you sane. But if I make it a little tougher, you're gonna have to work on that patience you're always asking me to help you with. I'm making you stronger, giving you the opportunity to have to trust in me. You don't have to close yourself in the room, just ask me to hide you, cover you, keep you in your right mind."  As I laid alone in my room "hiding", I had the time to reflect on my own behavior. I was relying on my own strength, knowing I'm weak. And had it all happened so easily and smooth (this blending of our families), I truly believe I'd be going around thinking I was Queen Bee Super Mom. God knows this about me and is tryna save me from myself and my own pride. He has to give it to me difficult sometimes, just to keep me in check! Reminding me I still need a LOT of work. So (this may sound crazy) but:
Lord, if I'm not ready, don't let the rain go away. Hide me, I need you, remind me the only way my faith can grow is when you let your winds blow. So don't make it easy for me until I realize I need you to keep it together. These are some of the lyrics to one of my favorite Kirk Franklin songs...

Kirk Franklin~ Hide Me

I am going to survive. I hope my blog yesterday didn't frighten anyone. I AM losing it, but He promised not to put more on me than I can bear. I just need to remember to ask Him to help me bear it.

I have a date to see Happy Feet 2 with my favorite little crazy tonight and book club for Such A Pretty Face tomorrow afternoon. (Reminder: print out discussion questions)
Nae is hoping I take her to the mall (with a friend) tomorrow and the movies to see Twilight also that evening. Lord, keep me. I plan to have an abundantly fun weekend and hopefully I can fit some rest and quality time with my J too! I hope you all enjoy your weekend!

That's my peace (of mind)!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Occupy the Kitchen

Sometimes I just want to scream and give up. I feel so overwhelmed and unappreciated (at home and at work) and it's a frustrating and sad and... a huge headache. Speaking of headaches, I have been having some major ones lately (could this be to blame?) Stress is a direct factor to a number of physical ailments and I don't need that to be me. Hair falling out and losing sleep over other people's crazy, uh uh I don't think so! But... it's not getting easier or feeling better and I'm just tired of it. Whenever I feel this way, I just remind myself of  a particular scripture:

Galations 6:9~ And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

This is my "reminder to self" scripture to stay in the fight, to keep up the good work... in due season, I will reap if I do not give up! Where is this due season? lol, but seriously... I feel over worked and it's not even underpaid... I feel under appreciated! I just want some gratitude for all I do. The dinner I cook isn't good enough, the hairstyle I give is a problem, the time I spend isn't enough... WTW? What am I doing it all for if in the end, no one is happy still?! I am wearing myself out, working my ASS off (excuse my French, but it's serious) just to hear more complaints and see ungrateful pouty attitudinal (so what if its a word) faces! It is driving me insane. And that's just at home... I have to go to work and baby a group of grown adults and clean up after them and put up with their high and mighty "do it my way" requests... no demands. And they can't muster up a thank you and then still complain and expect me to smile. Maybe if I was paid sufficiently, I'd feel ok about putting up with the BS but I don't even think that would be enough. I just want some gratitude. I don't want to be at work,  and then to go home and get the same treatment... and I am peeved about it! Yet, still I smile and cook dinner and fix plates and buy groceries and kiss foreheads and listen to stories and play chauffeur and... everything! And get up to fix lunches and bid everyone well as they leave out "I love you have a good day" only to get a "bye..." (and not a cheerful one either). But still I am the bad guy, who is so mean and never does this and wont buy them that and, blah blah blah! How sweet do they want to to remain after their daily mistreatment? Maybe they don't realize I have feelings too. Am I alone in this? Am I the only mom/ employee out here who is feeling unappreciated? I don't need you to like me, I don't even need to hear "I love you". I just want a "thank you", a "we notice all you do and we appreciate you", I just want for them to give me a break and smile every once in a while so I know they don't think life is miserable because I'm their mom. Maybe if my own family acted more grateful, work wouldn't even matter. I could sit at my desk and think "it's ok, I'll be home soon and they appreciate me there", instead of dreading home just as much. When do I find some relief? That J? As sweet and as wonderful as he is... maybe I resent him more because he doesn't get this slack. He could burn dinner and they're like "thanks for making dinner" *rolls eyes* Really? Whatever! That's why I want to go on strike! I want to just see how they would survive if I didn't do all these things for them. How would they like it if there were no groceries and no attempt at dinner being made? "Ya'll work it out, I'm not making dinner tonight." Soon they'd run out of whatever's left in the house or get tired of oodles n' noodles and then what? hahahahaha! Could I do it? I know I could, but would it even matter? J would just buy them Chick-Fil-A and my whole point would be lost. Only one of us is gangsta! I'd let them starve, but then I remember "and let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up". I'm not supposed to give up. *SIGH* But how else are they going to get the hint God? "in due season Tamika..."  *frowny face* That's not what I want to hear, but I also can't be blatantly disobedient... I know the scripture. I can't feign ignorance. I know better... but its so hard! I want to just go into my room, close the door (lock it) and see how they fend for themselves. Occupy... the kitchen counter! I should set up camp on the kitchen counter, Indian style and just watch and do NOTHING! lol, ok that's a bit dramatic, huh?

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up!

I'll just say this to myself over and over and pray and pray some more and wait for my "due season"... hopefully I'll reap positively and abundantly for all my good doings. Hopefully before my growing weary turns into pure insanity.

My "Peace of Tam" doesn't sound so "peaceful" today, I know but
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 
God uses adversity to build our character, he is just working on me right now!  So for now... no Occupy the Kitchen, but I'll keep you updated in case anything changes. :)

That's my peace?

Monday, November 14, 2011

He Came For My Heart...

I wrote this poem in October of last year. It seemed fitting for my blog due to recent occurrences :) and I just wanted to share it again! Enjoy!

He came for my heart...

His pursuance persisted.
My heart still wounded,
I opposed and resisted.

My fight was so strong,
But his love was consistent,
He proved his intent,
Yet still I stayed distant

Desperate not to fall,
I watched every step.
“I’m not here to hurt you,
Is that hard to accept?”

I was used to the pain
Another man dealt. 
I was used to containing
All the feelings I felt.

But he never fought back
Patient in his dealings.
Never jealous or pushy
No pressing my feelings.

“You should pray about him!”

My mom was concerned.
I am not in control
A hard lesson I’ve learned.

So I went to the Father,
ever steady in prayer.
Lord, what do I do?
You know that I’m scared.

You know the bad dreams
and how I'm afraid to commit
You know my deep sadness
The ones I seldom admit.

You know my life heartaches
And how I struggle to trust
You know what he did to me
Will I ever adjust?

“Tamika, I know all about you
And what you’ve endured
I know all your needs
And I am the cure.

You may have had moments
Where you felt on your own
But I was always beside you
I never left you alone.

You stayed faithful to me
And I promised to guide
I am here to protect you
Wipe the tears that you've cried.

Your focus wasn't on me
I am a jealous, you know.
But you are my child
And I want you to grow.

I gave you the bad
To bring you towards me
Now here is the good
Just enjoy it and see.

I love you enough
To give him to you
So continue loving me
And see what I do.” 

Lord, I am trusting in you
And your watch over my life.
You restored my heart
To make me his wife.

I will open my heart
to see what can be
But I can only love him
Because God has loved me.

This is my true story of heart break and abuse healed and transformed because of God's keeping power. I am struggling to care about and open my heart to someone who cherishes me deeply because of past hurt. And God is showing me that I don't have to worry about anything because he has me and my life on 24 hour watch. Even if this present story doesn't have the happiest of endings, I can not and will not be afraid to live it and enjoy it. My life is not in my own hands... I cannot control anything. How can I not trust God to take care of me knowing what he delivered me from? He did not leave me then and He will not leave me now. I am forever transformed. And because God loved me, I am able to return His love to someone else.

I am no longer struggling to care about that man! You wouldn't believe how easy it is to love him... and this story does have a very happy ending! It was not in my hands...

That's my (Jesus) peace!

Speaking of...

Good Monday morning... today, I'm going to have to fake it til I make it. I am not in a good mood today and I don't feel like myself. Crazy thing, I cant even pinpoint the problem. Do you ever feel like that? Like you just can't pull yourself out of your bad mood, even when you can't directly determine what caused the bad mood. Well, I just feel STANK! And I feel like being quiet and uninterrupted unless you know exactly what I need to feel better. Otherwise, chances are any attempt to appease me will only further irritate me. Is it just me? I sure hope not! My crazy wants some company (this time)... don't judge me!

I want to be in a better mood, maybe I should try harder. I have alot on my mind... you would think that would make for good blog conversation but it really all just seems jumbled in my head.

I had a good weekend. Spent good QT with my sis and our girls at a bday party. Had a good time at a ladies night where we discussed everything from black women and stereotypes to parenting to relationships... it was good grown up talk as always. Had dinner with J and his mom on Sunday evening. It is always good to see her... she is a very sweet, smart woman. I see where J gets it from. I love her for raising her son into the perfect man for me. She is definitely a winner in my book!  Speaking of books...
I am pressed to read The Five Languages of Apology. I need to figure out my own "apology language", so I can tell a certain someone how I receive an apology. Right now, I only know what is NOT working... After reading the synopsis of the book, I am excited to get started. Now all I need is the book! Do I hear the next BYOB club book? Maybe. Speaking of BYOB...
Book club is this weekend, I feel so unprepared. I need to do a little re reading of Such A Pretty Face, it seems so long ago that I completed it. I need a refresher! Guess I should prep a menu in my mind for the refreshments. Looks like I'll be in the grocery store this week. Speaking of menus and grocery stores....
Thanksgiving is next week! Woo hoo!!! Did I tell you I was hosting our families' Thanksgiving? Yay me! I am excited to have my and J's family over for our first Thanksgiving all together! I need to buy a turkey ASAP! I actually have a whole list I need to knock out! Anybody have an extra table I can use? Idk how I'm going to fit all these folk into my house... we'll see! Our family does a potluck Thanksgiving... everyone brings something, so no one person gets overwhelmed with the whole feast! I'm on turkey duty, along with mashed potatoes, the cranberry sauce and some desserts. I know for sure one dessert is a mud pie (YUM!) but haven't quite decided what other dessert to prepare. Maybe I'll reattempt the mini apple pies... maybe! Speaking of apples...
Gigi bought the game Apples to Apples. I've never played before but we're going to bust it out next week and see how it goes with the family... hopefully no fights break out over a board game, but with my CRAZY family you just never know!

So as you can see, I've got quite a bit going on. First things, tryna pull myself out of this funky mood (Lord, help me!)... find this book so I can read up on apologies, get prepared for book club this weekend, get my Thanksgiving grocery list in check, and read up on how to spank my fam in Apples to Apples!

I hope no one else is suffering from the case of the Mondays... if so, SNAP OUT OF IT! And I will work on taking my own advice. Enjoy your day! "Mondays are not for the weak!"

That's my peace!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

He Went To Jared's...

Good morning (prob afternoon by the time I'm done)! Hello! How is everyone doing today? good, I hope! Me? How am I doing? (you ask) *Smiling* I'm AWESOME! thank you for asking. I am living my peace, I am overjoyed about life, love and the pursuit of happiness! :)

If you haven't already heard through the grapevine, the J guy (THAT J guy )!! Let me set the scene for you...

It was early Tuesday morning, the sun had not yet risen and greeted the new day. All was quiet in the house, except for that J guy's heart... He was awake and contemplating the moment. (he thinks to himself) "She is so beautiful laying there asleep. I love her so much, and I know I don't want to live another day without her in my life. In fact, I can't even imagine going another moment without her knowing that she is the love of my life." He gets down on one knee along the side of the bed, wakes up his glowingly beautiful girlfriend and professes the desires of his heart to her as he displays a beautiful ring. She is fully awakened now as her eyes cannot deny the beauty of the treasure presented before her. And as she wipes the crud from her eyes and adjusts the bright yellow scarf on her head... HA! she realizes she looks a hot mess and any man who chooses this moment to decide she is the most beautiful woman in the world and still wants to spend his life with her... is definitely a KEEPER! So she says yes, they kiss (smooch smooch smooch) and he leaves for work... lol!
That same day at work, I tell my bestest about the events of the morning in an email and she calls me like... "WTW? He was supposed to do it at dinner!" Well, he apparently couldn't wait for dinner, cause I am the in my bright yellow scarf and he just couldn't hold it any longer. Taahaahaaa! So the proposol, as sweet and heartfelt and amazing as it was, got reenacted later that night at dinner  (just for the sake/and my need for photo visual memories)

People let me tell you bout my bestfriend... He is so loving and kind and amazing and patient and although I am not an outward display of affection kinda girl... he makes me want to smile everyday and I am jumping up and down on the inside, screaming, back flips, the cabbage patch and so more! I love me some him and well, I am HAPPY! And it's been a long time coming. I can feel the peace marinating over me, it feels good. And I am not looking for or expecting perfection... I just plan to enjoy this rollercoaster of emotions, appreciating every moment, soaking in knowledge, learning love and patience and "living with confidence"!
I couldn't give you guys all the details of the moment. I want to keep pieces of it just for myself to cherish, but I didn't want to leave you out of it either. I hope you appreciate this piece of my peace.
If you have any idea of what I've lived through, endured and am still working through... GLORY, HALLELUJAH! God took me through what he did, so I could see the glory in this moment. Had it happened as easily as I thought it should, I don't think I would even be here. I would not have appreciated the kindness in his voice, the joy in his smile, or the love in his heart that he, so generously, offered to me. So... thank you Jesus for the rough times, they made me strong and taught me how to show mercy, offer grace and (Lord knows) I needed work on my patience. Thank you for showing me what your love really looks like... not that faux, manufactured bottled up version of it I was accepting from those phony, emotion deprived, artificial characters. And thank you, especially, for giving me the discernment to recognize your love in that J guy and opening up my heart to be willing to accept it. What I know? "If I traveled all around the world... there can never be another you."

 1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

That's my (overjoyed) peace!

he liked it...

so he put a ring on it!