Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Little About Nothing

Wednesdays used to be my favorite days, you slipping Wednesday! Something has to get right... ASAP! Good morning all! I am choosing to feel good today, work with me. :) I know I've been having a lot of "moments" lately but enough is enough already. I'm getting tired of myself (just a little, lol). Anyways, today's a new day... and I feel like I need to do some updates.
Yesterday, made it officially 3 weeks since I've been an engaged woman! If another person asks me "have you set a date?", I am going to SCREAM! lol ok, not really but geesh... can't I just be engaged for a minute is what I want to say. Since folk keep asking me, it makes me kinda think about how this all may go down. (This isn't what I wanted to talk about today. Why is it going here?) Anywhoozle, I have been thinking about when, where and how a wedding would be... I really just want something very small and very simple, but he has dreams of a real ceremony. Bridesmaids and groomsmen, receptions and first dances... I just want to be your wife! Someone will have to figure all this planning out, cause I'm really not that kinda girl. I don't want to pick colors or venues or think of guests. It's just all too much. I barely want to figure what I'm wearing to work every morning and I really don't think I can handle the added stress right now. If you hadn't noticed from my last few post, I am barely keeping it together! I just want to set a date, tell some people, say some vows and "I do", then kiss him til I cant anymore as his wife. Is that too much to ask? But since he has desires, and I have none, I am doing my first duty as wife and attempting to compromise. That just means I have to do a little extra thinking and it'll all be ok.

As you know, I hosted Thanksgiving at my house this year. And if I say so myself, it all went very nicely. I was a little concerned about fitting 30+ people in my house, but amazingly they all fit better than cozy. I had more space than I thought. Muy thanks to that J for organizing and reorganizing the tables and such to make a perfect set up for our guest... I could not have done it without you! It was a smash, dinner was delightful (again, no pictures... I will get better! What kinda blog never has pictures?), good times, good people... a hit I tell you!

What else am I supposed to be updating? BYOB chose a new book today... The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. If you're interested in being a part of book club, feel free to read along with us, let me know and I'll add you to the email updates.

 I feel like there is something that I am missing, but my mind is tired. Crazy it took me all day to write this blog... you all enjoy the rest of your day/evening.

That's my peace!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I am Woman, See Me Cry

Good Tuesday (after) Morning!

I have so much to say, but I don't know what to say... only that I want to say something. (Did that make sense?)
I've had a rough week (a REALLY ROUGH week), but I want to recover and feel grateful and smile... genuinely. How long do I get to feel how I feel? How long is allotted for wallowing and mourning? Am I just supposed to wake up one day and feel better? I don't think it works like that. I know there isn't a set time frame for sadness, I know all things heal in their own time... but can I get an estimate? "By Wednesday, December 14th at 3 p.m. EST, it'll all be good." Is that asking too much? I'm just being facetious. I know I cant plan a healing heart, but what I do know...
Life's circumstances are going to happen, that's a given. We can't control everything (anything really). But when life happens (and it will... guaranteed), the real test is in how we handle them. I want to be able to look back and see that I did not crumble. Life happened, and I handled it... with grace, hopefully. I got knocked down, but only for a second (ok, maybe a long minute) but not a lifetime. I didn't let my happenings control my happiness. Oh yes! I was definitely sad and I cried alot, but the tears have since been wiped and I am back in the game. I collected my composure, collected the hugs from my many loving supporters,  hugged myself, got the team into the huddle, gave them the game plan and... BREAK! Now here we are, back in the game and playing full force and #winning (much better than Charlie Sheen though). I did not give up and I am not a loser. I just had a moment where I got knocked down, but I was not out... never! I feel blessed in so many ways...

I often think back to just a few years ago. There was a time when I'd be sad or hurt and needed to cry, but I did it alone. I would feel by myself and cry by myself and no one would ever even know I was hurting. That only made the pain last longer. Oh GLORY, I am thankful that I can cry out loud! I can be sad and need a hug and let people see it and get exactly what I need to survive and recover. Just thinking about the sadness in that makes me want to cry now. So if you ever know that I am going through something, and yet you see me smiling and laughing and you wonder just how I am keeping it together... I am not. I only look like I have it together because I know God and all his many heavenly and earthly angels have my back. In my mind, I am fetal position, breaking down, crying and feeling like I'm dying. But my family and friends are beside me, behind me, around me holding me up and carrying me along and that is what you see. I hear Jules' everyday motivational voice and words of wisdom and strength, and it is her words of comfort that I am speaking to you and myself. It is my mom and her corny jokes and fun loving spirit that I am remembering allowing you and me a laugh although we are sad. It is J's strong and loving demeanor that is comforting me that I permeate to you even though I am borderline breaking down. It is Kai's refreshing, contagious smile that I am wearing even though I want to cry. It is Chelita's  "just knowing" friendship and presence that reminds me I always have someone I can call and talk to even when I don't know what it is I'm feeling or what I want to say, but whatever it is I know I can feel it and say it without fear of judgement. And... it is Nae's "Lord, we need you prayer" that I am repeating over and over to myself, because she offered it so genuinely, preciously and innocently right in the nick of time! So when you see me, just know that because God blessed me with all of these AMAZING people, I have JOY and will be okay. I know I can't do it all alone, so now I don't try to. I am a survivor but only because God is keeping me and placed just the right team around me to keep me in the game. And I am grateful!

Idk what to say from here... I am okay. I will be better than ok, I know it. I asked for it, it is already mine!
Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week, keep me in your prayers always. Someone help me think of a book to propose to book club... my mind is just not in decision making mode right now, but I do want to read and keep BYOB in full force. Until next time...

that's my PEACE!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Hide Me!

Good FRIDAY morning all!

Every once in a while, we all deserve to be a little crazy! I think I fulfilled my quota for a month's worth of crazy just in one day... yesterday! I don't think you all know how serious I was in my misery yesterday with my Occupy... the Kitchen post. But after spending the ENTIRE evening hiding in my room and that J giving me a loving, stern talking to... I feel a little better. As peaceful and refreshing as it was going on strike for an evening, I know I can't spend every evening "hiding" in my room. If only... maybe I should give myself a once a week break where nothing is my responsiblity, because (as much as I hate to admit it) I was happy in there. Grant it, that J came up and visited with me for a bit (he also bought them Chick-Fil-A like I knew he would)... AND (I apologize now if its seems cruel) but I did NOT miss those childrens' faces for the evening. I had absolutely no desire to step outside my space to check on them (sorry). But I am "on duty" 24 hours, 7 days a week. They even call me at work with their needs, requests, and demands. I go home, still on duty with homework, dinner, attitudes, and keeping them on task. So I think I have earned my one (just one) evening a week where I get to turn off, retreat... HIDE!

I have accepted this as life. I am not complaining (or am I?) about them, I'm just being real. I understand that they are children and are selfish by nature. They haven't completely grasped "the world does not revolve around me" attitude... they seriously think it does, I have learned. I am supposed to be at their beckon call, for their every desire and on their time... but I can't. And instead of trying to hide away and hope for better, in my "hide time" yesterday, I realized this:
God sees me, hears me, and understands all that I am dealing with. It doesn't always feel good, but if it did, when would I realize I needed Him? If it was always easy and if I knew I could always handle "those children" on my own, what would I have to call on Him for? I'd get lost in life, engagement, well behaved children and start thinking I've got it good! But now, I have to trust Him to work it out. I need to deal with this experience and them being extra difficult, so I don't get too proud thinking I've got it all under control. "Look at me, being super mom! ha!" God is like.. "NOT! You can't do it Tamika, watch! You'd go crazy if I didnt keep you sane. But if I make it a little tougher, you're gonna have to work on that patience you're always asking me to help you with. I'm making you stronger, giving you the opportunity to have to trust in me. You don't have to close yourself in the room, just ask me to hide you, cover you, keep you in your right mind."  As I laid alone in my room "hiding", I had the time to reflect on my own behavior. I was relying on my own strength, knowing I'm weak. And had it all happened so easily and smooth (this blending of our families), I truly believe I'd be going around thinking I was Queen Bee Super Mom. God knows this about me and is tryna save me from myself and my own pride. He has to give it to me difficult sometimes, just to keep me in check! Reminding me I still need a LOT of work. So (this may sound crazy) but:
Lord, if I'm not ready, don't let the rain go away. Hide me, I need you, remind me the only way my faith can grow is when you let your winds blow. So don't make it easy for me until I realize I need you to keep it together. These are some of the lyrics to one of my favorite Kirk Franklin songs...

Kirk Franklin~ Hide Me

I am going to survive. I hope my blog yesterday didn't frighten anyone. I AM losing it, but He promised not to put more on me than I can bear. I just need to remember to ask Him to help me bear it.

I have a date to see Happy Feet 2 with my favorite little crazy tonight and book club for Such A Pretty Face tomorrow afternoon. (Reminder: print out discussion questions)
Nae is hoping I take her to the mall (with a friend) tomorrow and the movies to see Twilight also that evening. Lord, keep me. I plan to have an abundantly fun weekend and hopefully I can fit some rest and quality time with my J too! I hope you all enjoy your weekend!

That's my peace (of mind)!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Occupy the Kitchen

Sometimes I just want to scream and give up. I feel so overwhelmed and unappreciated (at home and at work) and it's a frustrating and sad and... a huge headache. Speaking of headaches, I have been having some major ones lately (could this be to blame?) Stress is a direct factor to a number of physical ailments and I don't need that to be me. Hair falling out and losing sleep over other people's crazy, uh uh I don't think so! But... it's not getting easier or feeling better and I'm just tired of it. Whenever I feel this way, I just remind myself of  a particular scripture:

Galations 6:9~ And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

This is my "reminder to self" scripture to stay in the fight, to keep up the good work... in due season, I will reap if I do not give up! Where is this due season? lol, but seriously... I feel over worked and it's not even underpaid... I feel under appreciated! I just want some gratitude for all I do. The dinner I cook isn't good enough, the hairstyle I give is a problem, the time I spend isn't enough... WTW? What am I doing it all for if in the end, no one is happy still?! I am wearing myself out, working my ASS off (excuse my French, but it's serious) just to hear more complaints and see ungrateful pouty attitudinal (so what if its a word) faces! It is driving me insane. And that's just at home... I have to go to work and baby a group of grown adults and clean up after them and put up with their high and mighty "do it my way" requests... no demands. And they can't muster up a thank you and then still complain and expect me to smile. Maybe if I was paid sufficiently, I'd feel ok about putting up with the BS but I don't even think that would be enough. I just want some gratitude. I don't want to be at work,  and then to go home and get the same treatment... and I am peeved about it! Yet, still I smile and cook dinner and fix plates and buy groceries and kiss foreheads and listen to stories and play chauffeur and... everything! And get up to fix lunches and bid everyone well as they leave out "I love you have a good day" only to get a "bye..." (and not a cheerful one either). But still I am the bad guy, who is so mean and never does this and wont buy them that and, blah blah blah! How sweet do they want to to remain after their daily mistreatment? Maybe they don't realize I have feelings too. Am I alone in this? Am I the only mom/ employee out here who is feeling unappreciated? I don't need you to like me, I don't even need to hear "I love you". I just want a "thank you", a "we notice all you do and we appreciate you", I just want for them to give me a break and smile every once in a while so I know they don't think life is miserable because I'm their mom. Maybe if my own family acted more grateful, work wouldn't even matter. I could sit at my desk and think "it's ok, I'll be home soon and they appreciate me there", instead of dreading home just as much. When do I find some relief? That J? As sweet and as wonderful as he is... maybe I resent him more because he doesn't get this slack. He could burn dinner and they're like "thanks for making dinner" *rolls eyes* Really? Whatever! That's why I want to go on strike! I want to just see how they would survive if I didn't do all these things for them. How would they like it if there were no groceries and no attempt at dinner being made? "Ya'll work it out, I'm not making dinner tonight." Soon they'd run out of whatever's left in the house or get tired of oodles n' noodles and then what? hahahahaha! Could I do it? I know I could, but would it even matter? J would just buy them Chick-Fil-A and my whole point would be lost. Only one of us is gangsta! I'd let them starve, but then I remember "and let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up". I'm not supposed to give up. *SIGH* But how else are they going to get the hint God? "in due season Tamika..."  *frowny face* That's not what I want to hear, but I also can't be blatantly disobedient... I know the scripture. I can't feign ignorance. I know better... but its so hard! I want to just go into my room, close the door (lock it) and see how they fend for themselves. Occupy... the kitchen counter! I should set up camp on the kitchen counter, Indian style and just watch and do NOTHING! lol, ok that's a bit dramatic, huh?

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up!

I'll just say this to myself over and over and pray and pray some more and wait for my "due season"... hopefully I'll reap positively and abundantly for all my good doings. Hopefully before my growing weary turns into pure insanity.

My "Peace of Tam" doesn't sound so "peaceful" today, I know but
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” 
God uses adversity to build our character, he is just working on me right now!  So for now... no Occupy the Kitchen, but I'll keep you updated in case anything changes. :)

That's my peace?

Monday, November 14, 2011

He Came For My Heart...

I wrote this poem in October of last year. It seemed fitting for my blog due to recent occurrences :) and I just wanted to share it again! Enjoy!

He came for my heart...

His pursuance persisted.
My heart still wounded,
I opposed and resisted.

My fight was so strong,
But his love was consistent,
He proved his intent,
Yet still I stayed distant

Desperate not to fall,
I watched every step.
“I’m not here to hurt you,
Is that hard to accept?”

I was used to the pain
Another man dealt. 
I was used to containing
All the feelings I felt.

But he never fought back
Patient in his dealings.
Never jealous or pushy
No pressing my feelings.

“You should pray about him!”

My mom was concerned.
I am not in control
A hard lesson I’ve learned.

So I went to the Father,
ever steady in prayer.
Lord, what do I do?
You know that I’m scared.

You know the bad dreams
and how I'm afraid to commit
You know my deep sadness
The ones I seldom admit.

You know my life heartaches
And how I struggle to trust
You know what he did to me
Will I ever adjust?

“Tamika, I know all about you
And what you’ve endured
I know all your needs
And I am the cure.

You may have had moments
Where you felt on your own
But I was always beside you
I never left you alone.

You stayed faithful to me
And I promised to guide
I am here to protect you
Wipe the tears that you've cried.

Your focus wasn't on me
I am a jealous, you know.
But you are my child
And I want you to grow.

I gave you the bad
To bring you towards me
Now here is the good
Just enjoy it and see.

I love you enough
To give him to you
So continue loving me
And see what I do.” 

Lord, I am trusting in you
And your watch over my life.
You restored my heart
To make me his wife.

I will open my heart
to see what can be
But I can only love him
Because God has loved me.

This is my true story of heart break and abuse healed and transformed because of God's keeping power. I am struggling to care about and open my heart to someone who cherishes me deeply because of past hurt. And God is showing me that I don't have to worry about anything because he has me and my life on 24 hour watch. Even if this present story doesn't have the happiest of endings, I can not and will not be afraid to live it and enjoy it. My life is not in my own hands... I cannot control anything. How can I not trust God to take care of me knowing what he delivered me from? He did not leave me then and He will not leave me now. I am forever transformed. And because God loved me, I am able to return His love to someone else.

I am no longer struggling to care about that man! You wouldn't believe how easy it is to love him... and this story does have a very happy ending! It was not in my hands...

That's my (Jesus) peace!

Speaking of...

Good Monday morning... today, I'm going to have to fake it til I make it. I am not in a good mood today and I don't feel like myself. Crazy thing, I cant even pinpoint the problem. Do you ever feel like that? Like you just can't pull yourself out of your bad mood, even when you can't directly determine what caused the bad mood. Well, I just feel STANK! And I feel like being quiet and uninterrupted unless you know exactly what I need to feel better. Otherwise, chances are any attempt to appease me will only further irritate me. Is it just me? I sure hope not! My crazy wants some company (this time)... don't judge me!

I want to be in a better mood, maybe I should try harder. I have alot on my mind... you would think that would make for good blog conversation but it really all just seems jumbled in my head.

I had a good weekend. Spent good QT with my sis and our girls at a bday party. Had a good time at a ladies night where we discussed everything from black women and stereotypes to parenting to relationships... it was good grown up talk as always. Had dinner with J and his mom on Sunday evening. It is always good to see her... she is a very sweet, smart woman. I see where J gets it from. I love her for raising her son into the perfect man for me. She is definitely a winner in my book!  Speaking of books...
I am pressed to read The Five Languages of Apology. I need to figure out my own "apology language", so I can tell a certain someone how I receive an apology. Right now, I only know what is NOT working... After reading the synopsis of the book, I am excited to get started. Now all I need is the book! Do I hear the next BYOB club book? Maybe. Speaking of BYOB...
Book club is this weekend, I feel so unprepared. I need to do a little re reading of Such A Pretty Face, it seems so long ago that I completed it. I need a refresher! Guess I should prep a menu in my mind for the refreshments. Looks like I'll be in the grocery store this week. Speaking of menus and grocery stores....
Thanksgiving is next week! Woo hoo!!! Did I tell you I was hosting our families' Thanksgiving? Yay me! I am excited to have my and J's family over for our first Thanksgiving all together! I need to buy a turkey ASAP! I actually have a whole list I need to knock out! Anybody have an extra table I can use? Idk how I'm going to fit all these folk into my house... we'll see! Our family does a potluck Thanksgiving... everyone brings something, so no one person gets overwhelmed with the whole feast! I'm on turkey duty, along with mashed potatoes, the cranberry sauce and some desserts. I know for sure one dessert is a mud pie (YUM!) but haven't quite decided what other dessert to prepare. Maybe I'll reattempt the mini apple pies... maybe! Speaking of apples...
Gigi bought the game Apples to Apples. I've never played before but we're going to bust it out next week and see how it goes with the family... hopefully no fights break out over a board game, but with my CRAZY family you just never know!

So as you can see, I've got quite a bit going on. First things, tryna pull myself out of this funky mood (Lord, help me!)... find this book so I can read up on apologies, get prepared for book club this weekend, get my Thanksgiving grocery list in check, and read up on how to spank my fam in Apples to Apples!

I hope no one else is suffering from the case of the Mondays... if so, SNAP OUT OF IT! And I will work on taking my own advice. Enjoy your day! "Mondays are not for the weak!"

That's my peace!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

He Went To Jared's...

Good morning (prob afternoon by the time I'm done)! Hello! How is everyone doing today? good, I hope! Me? How am I doing? (you ask) *Smiling* I'm AWESOME! thank you for asking. I am living my peace, I am overjoyed about life, love and the pursuit of happiness! :)

If you haven't already heard through the grapevine, the J guy (THAT J guy )!! Let me set the scene for you...

It was early Tuesday morning, the sun had not yet risen and greeted the new day. All was quiet in the house, except for that J guy's heart... He was awake and contemplating the moment. (he thinks to himself) "She is so beautiful laying there asleep. I love her so much, and I know I don't want to live another day without her in my life. In fact, I can't even imagine going another moment without her knowing that she is the love of my life." He gets down on one knee along the side of the bed, wakes up his glowingly beautiful girlfriend and professes the desires of his heart to her as he displays a beautiful ring. She is fully awakened now as her eyes cannot deny the beauty of the treasure presented before her. And as she wipes the crud from her eyes and adjusts the bright yellow scarf on her head... HA! she realizes she looks a hot mess and any man who chooses this moment to decide she is the most beautiful woman in the world and still wants to spend his life with her... is definitely a KEEPER! So she says yes, they kiss (smooch smooch smooch) and he leaves for work... lol!
That same day at work, I tell my bestest about the events of the morning in an email and she calls me like... "WTW? He was supposed to do it at dinner!" Well, he apparently couldn't wait for dinner, cause I am the in my bright yellow scarf and he just couldn't hold it any longer. Taahaahaaa! So the proposol, as sweet and heartfelt and amazing as it was, got reenacted later that night at dinner  (just for the sake/and my need for photo visual memories)

People let me tell you bout my bestfriend... He is so loving and kind and amazing and patient and although I am not an outward display of affection kinda girl... he makes me want to smile everyday and I am jumping up and down on the inside, screaming, back flips, the cabbage patch and so more! I love me some him and well, I am HAPPY! And it's been a long time coming. I can feel the peace marinating over me, it feels good. And I am not looking for or expecting perfection... I just plan to enjoy this rollercoaster of emotions, appreciating every moment, soaking in knowledge, learning love and patience and "living with confidence"!
I couldn't give you guys all the details of the moment. I want to keep pieces of it just for myself to cherish, but I didn't want to leave you out of it either. I hope you appreciate this piece of my peace.
If you have any idea of what I've lived through, endured and am still working through... GLORY, HALLELUJAH! God took me through what he did, so I could see the glory in this moment. Had it happened as easily as I thought it should, I don't think I would even be here. I would not have appreciated the kindness in his voice, the joy in his smile, or the love in his heart that he, so generously, offered to me. So... thank you Jesus for the rough times, they made me strong and taught me how to show mercy, offer grace and (Lord knows) I needed work on my patience. Thank you for showing me what your love really looks like... not that faux, manufactured bottled up version of it I was accepting from those phony, emotion deprived, artificial characters. And thank you, especially, for giving me the discernment to recognize your love in that J guy and opening up my heart to be willing to accept it. What I know? "If I traveled all around the world... there can never be another you."

 1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

That's my (overjoyed) peace!

he liked it...

so he put a ring on it!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Time for Tam?

well ok! I'm here... kinda with my tail between my legs. I feel like I've neglected you guys, please don't take it personally. But with work and life, well... I've just been feeling overwhelmed and emotional. I like to blog real life, but I don't like to sound like I'm whining. So when I feel like I'm not going to speak positively, I'd prefer to just retreat. Flight or fight? What you gonna do? Clearly, I was flight this last week or two. Forgive me? I hope so. :)

So, what should we cover? I feel like there should be a lot since it's been awhile, but realistically, it's the same old same old! I posted a few pics of Girls Night In! (check em out!). We really did have a good time, so much so, there will definitely be another... I'm thinking for my birthday maybe. Yea? YEA!

Right now, I'm wearing my hair straightened (as you can see from the GN in pics). I straightened it to get it trimmed, but do you think I've gotten around to that yet? No! Of course I haven't. I don't feel like I've been getting enough Tamika time. Remember that last time when I was (crazy) alone? Well, that was probably the last time. Don't get me wrong... I love my peeps! Each and every last one of them, but... I feel so obligated to be all to everyone that when I finally get a little down time, I feel like I need to be doing something for/with someone. Not so much the J, he'd probably be glad to get rid of me for a few hours a day... (we actually spent all of Saturday separate, and I think he got a little too cozy with it! lol, never wanted to come back home). J sneaking off makes for perfect "just us girls" time with Kai and Nae. And they cherish that, I'm sure. We have a good time no matter what we do. If I finally get them to give me a break (which seems impossible), I done worn myself out already or I'm planning groceries or dinner or... (realistically) too tired to figure anything out other than if I want to nap on the couch or in bed??? Hmmm, toughie! I can always make for Tam time, but then I feel like I'm neglecting someone. If they see me about to walk out the door, I get a "where are you going? Can I come?" Then one voice turns to 2 to 3 to 4... AHHHHHHH!!! "Sure come on!" or else I look like a meanie. I figure I'm always up super early, even on Saturday.. maybe I should take that time for myself. But then just last week, Kai asked if we can reinstate date day and I can't see that working on a weekday evening anymore, so when did I tell her? You guessed it! Saturday morning... she too is an early riser. There that went! And what about Nae? When she found out Kai was gonna get Saturday morning alone time, guess what? All of a sudden the girl who is never up before noon on  a Saturday suggests we wake her and she come with! There that went double time! I just want to scream sometimes... THERE'S ONLY ONE OF ME!!!!! I just don't know how to please them all, all the time. It's impossible. This mothering thing was supposed to get easier... it doesn't. They get older, moodier, needier. Diapers and crying was the easy part. They can clean their own butts now but guess what (again)? The crying doesn't end. Only now, it makes you sadder cause they know how to use their words but still feel the need to cry. That's hard to see. The little (yet growing and getting older) people that you love and spend every moment, breath, choice in life trying to please are still sad. And it's not that they're ungrateful (mostly). It's that I'm never going to be enough to fill every void they feel, but I have to teach them to handle their hurts and disappointments because... that's life. It doesn't get easier... and knowing this, still, I feel like I'm failing sometimes. Like I should be doing more, like I'm not making the right choices for them. I know I'm not perfect and that a lot of my choices will affect them (hopefully not scar them) for life, but I want to know I'm doing everything in my power to make it (this life thing) an easy path for them. Maybe I'm the one expecting too much from myself. I am only one person...  I can't carry it alone, am I trying to though? Or do I feel like this portion is what God has given me to handle. He'll never put more on me than I can bear, right? Maybe I need to evaluate just how much I'm putting on myself. I could be, quite possibly, free willfully putting too much on myself. Imagine that! Well, I am going to call a time out sometime soon, be ready! And I pray you all (they all)  understand... it's necessary for my sanity. Nobody likes a crazy Tamika, #trust! It is NOT a good look.

On to happier things (idk how I even got there, all I want is to find time to get my hair trimmed, amongst other things. LOL) But anywhoozle, my hair is straight. Of course the J is loving it... smh. MEN! to his credit, it is actually an easier process to maintain. I have not completely given up on being fabulously natural, just think I may put it on pause for a while.. maybe for the winter. There's no humidity threatening the straightness and this cold air is going to make for one dry scalp, that I can handle better with straight hair. I am NOT a quitter people, I just can make this hair work well in the winter and I have to consider giving the J what he likes at least part of the year. And my birthday is coming... want to keep him happy and stay on his best side! A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!
What else? Thanksgiving is around the corner... as much as I love Christmas and my birthday, I must say... Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! (if only my favorite J girl wasn't planning to be away for it, I guess...) Anyways, I am overjoyed AND I get to host it this year... whoop whoop! This is going to be awesome!

What else? Gigi FINALLY got around to finishing my scarf :) As much as I tease Gigi about her "grandmotherly" crocheting, I have to admit I am proud of her and appreciate getting to reap the benefits of her finished products! Thanks Gigi for my awesome scarfy thing!!! It's getting cold out there and it is perfect!
You want one? Holla at my Gigi! She'll hook you up! She says, "maybe I could get around to making scarves for other people if I wasn't always working on something for you guys" (you guys being me, Kai, Nae and every one else in the fam putting our request in for a free scarf, arm warmers and everything else...) I'd like a hat next! j/k... but really! LOL

Ok, dont want to overwhelm you guys with my attempt at catching up on lost time. But I really have missed you. Don't be away so long next time, ok? Ok, it was me!

Love ya,

my Winter straight hair and my new Gigi scarf!
That's my peace...

p.s. took everything in me not to post Lil Kim- Jump off song just for the first verse... "I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back..." sans the whole "jump off" part! LOL :)

Girls Night IN!!!

Love, Tam... and personalized mason jar glasses
The panty game... can you guess your friend's panty?
the GN in gang! love them!!!
Name tags! My name is Tamika but you can call me Tam :)
No pics of any of the eats... sorry! I was having so much fun, I forgot to be photographer... working on it! Next time, definitely! And yes, there will be a next time :)

That's my peace!