Friday, July 26, 2013

MY Truth: The Baby Blues

My TRUTH? I am a little scared.... scared of the labor, scared I'm going to look at him and not LOVE him right away, scared I won't know what to do, scared of the disconnect it could cause in my marriage, scared of the new dynamic it will bring to our home. I am scared. BIG TIME!
I tried expressing these fears to Mr. Brawner. About the labor and delivery... "you're more of a punk than I thought you were." Really Mr. Brawner? I could have cried in that moment. He's been in labor before so he knows that it's just a piece of cake *rolls eyes*. Sometimes he can be so insensitive. I don't think I ever expressed to Mr. Brawner aloud that I was worried I wasn't going to love our baby. But when the kids talk about what he may look like, I facetiously say "hopefully he looks like a Keys and not a Brawner". I hope Mr. Brawner never really takes that too personally, but I just think us Keys are a beautiful bunch. Ummmm! Have you seen Kai girl as a baby? Beautiful! I would have a Kai do over a million times. Idk those Brawner faces as babies, but er uhhh... whatev! And my concerns about my love for him aren't even superficial... I am just so detached these days. I haven't been a mother to an infant in 13 years... I am a different person now. I have no idea how I am going to feel about him once he's here (do you know that I feel safe in my blog bubble and hope no judgement gets thrown at me?) You know how some women are just "so happy" to be pregnant and just love it and their babies right away? Well... that's not me. At all! I am not a fan of being pregnant, I can't even pretend that I am and I know people expect me to already be in love with the baby that's in my belly already... well, that's not me either. I don't even know him! (it's crazy, I know. Don't judge me!) But I don't. Idk where my maternal instinky thing went, but... wait, did I ever have one? I had one, right? *thinks back* I definitely took good care of Kai in my young parenting age, but it was more of a responsibility, an obligation. I loved her, of course but I don't recall it being overwhelming... geez, my own honest revelation is disturbing me. Maybe I just don't remember right. I definitely parented her, I wasn't a deadbeat. There was reading and songs for waking up and going to bed and eating her food.... I engaged. I was present. I loved being her mother... I shouldn't be worried about this. I will see him, and love him and it'll all kick right back in. I shouldn't even be afraid of not knowing what to do. Yes, Kai girl was easy. She didn't cry, she walked and talked early, was potty trained by 2 yrs old... I don't expect baby Kai to live up to all that. But I got this! 2 worries crossed off the list!
But the disconnect in my marriage... terrified! He and I parent different. He thinks just cause he wanted this more than me that he can do whatever he wants and that he gets full baby say. Nah son! It's not gonna work that way. Because I did this for you, I get say and I'm willing to compromise with you. I'm worried I will become second and get overlooked. I'm worried that the much needed and looked forward to quality time with my husband will be a distant memory. I worried I will be jealous of Mr. Brawner's focus on the baby. I'm worried I will become lonely. A house full, yet lonely. I thrive off my relationship with my husband. All worries go away when I get a moment of him. When will this happen? When I voiced this concern... "all these girls here, we will find the time." And maybe he's right, but that just brings me to my next fear. The dynamic of our house. I have gotten everyone adjusted to my space, my boundaries and my limits. Everyone is aware of my required "Tam Time". Will all that go out the window once their baby brother arrives? Mr. Brawner thinks, "Oh we have all these babysitters!" I see it as "My poor baby will never breathe fresh air cause all these girls will never leave him alone." And if they're not leaving him alone, am I going to get time alone? I want to be able to put up baby boundaries, but I feel like it sounds so selfish when I say it out loud. I feel like all my control issues are super peaked. "He's my baby, back up!" And of course Mr. Brawner is like, "he's a boy, he'll be fine. Let them play with him." Yes, he's a boy, but he's a baby. He's MY BABY!!! I just want them to give him a break, give me a break. I want to be selfish about him. I want to hide him in my room. And I am scared that I will turn into evil step mom and Mr. Brawner will think I'm crazy and the dynamic in my house will be crazy. There are 5 of them, 5 girls that are overly excited to pick up, hold, and play with a baby. I don't want him to turn into their doll that gets caught in a tug-o-war of the crazy girls. "My poor baby" is all I can think. Mr Brawner: "it'll all be fine." But will it, really? I just don't see how it will be fine. I'm unraveling and I'm scared. Scared things will never be the same... scared I'm so consumed with my fears that I am manifesting them into reality. Scared that I'm unprepared for all of this and scared that I will regret this whole baby thing once he's here and it all comes crashing. Scared that I will resent him. Scared that I will feel like my life is over and scared that I will be "one of THOSE mothers". You know the kind... the kind people judge. How could she...? What kinda mother? Blah blah... You know what I'm talking about. You people that can't relate and are in denial about truths and pretend to always be happy about even the worse circumstances are probably labeling me right now. "I would never..."
But I learned to be honest with myself long ago, minus the shame. Minus the need to pretend like I have it all together, all the time. Minus the desire to appear prefect. It ain't all blue skies and butterflies!

Since I'm in this place, let me tell you my ultimate fear *already on the verge of tears*...

More than anything. More than not loving baby Kai, more than my husband and I disconnecting, more than feeling overwhelmed and never getting to be to myself, with myself or like myself ever again... I am worried for Kai girl. She is so fragile. She needs me. She has a tank that is almost impossible to fill. I am barely handling that now. I am so afraid I am going to lose her. I am afraid I will not be enough. I am afraid she will need even more to compensate for the new baby and I will be even more inadequate at filling her tank. I am terrified she will be so desperate for time, attention, approval, love that she will slip away from me. I am afraid that I will too wrapped up in new Kai that old Kai will see it, feel it and resent it. I am afraid that I will fail her.

I am afraid that I will be so overwhelmed that I will feel like baby Kai was a mistake. I will hate myself, resent my husband, and my home will fall apart.
The truth is hurting... I need some reassurance. And not that Mr. Brawner reassurance. I need real, tangible, empathetic, relate able,  practical reassurance. Screaming "HELP!" at the top of my lungs.


Peace? Where are you?