Thursday, August 14, 2014

But that's not why I'm here...

I was sitting at lunch with my coworkers yesterday. I mostly try to avoid these coworker lunches, but every once in awhile I come out of my anti-social shell and grace them with my presence. I actually got back from getting my food before most people left to get theirs and I went into the lunch room to eat, hoping to be done and out before they all returned. No such luck! So i'm in there...

You can never anticipate what lunch conversation will be. Sometimes it is quite dry and boring and they get to discussing work... pass! But more often than not, it gets quite work inappropriate and HR (if we had one) would have to work overtime. It is that bad. I'm often sitting there baffled and thinking "you can't say that!" "Did you really just say that?" Smh. But yesterday, we somehow got on the topic of marriage and somehow, I found myself in the room with 4 of my coworkers, 2 married men, 1 young, single man, 1 single white female (added the "white" for kicks, lol) and me.

Married guy #1 gets to talking about the worse part about marriage is how he can never set his own priorities. No matter what he is doing or plans to do, it isn't the right thing and his wife has something else in mind.
Married guy #2 basically completely agreed. He mentioned how he thinks he has some time and it'd be a good time for a much needed nap and his wife thinks he should go play with the kids instead, or take out the trash, or anything she thinks is more important that him napping or reading the paper or whatever it is he feels he should be doing.
I never add much to the conversation, but in my head I'm thinking... they're married to some crazies. lol! Of course there are times when my husband is doing something that, to me, is unproductive. And there are the rare occasions that I'm like "babe, are you really just sitting there playing Farm Heroes? What's for dinner?" but overall, and I spent a lot of time thinking on this, I am not controlling my husband's nap schedule or when he decides to "read the paper" or do whatever it is he considers leisure.

But that's not really why I'm here...

These husbands spent a whole hour telling this one single guy the horrors of their marriage. At one point the single guy said, "dag guys you're scaring me, I'm glad I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I won't be getting married for awhile." Now, he's only 26 I believe and should maybe wait awhile, but it really bothered me that neither one comforted him with, "my wife does try to control my schedule, but I let her because I love her and I want her to be happy. And really she's just asking for my help because she spends her time cleaning and cooking for me and our kids and taking care of whatever it is we need. So yes, I can't always do exactly what I want whenever I want, but she's worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way."

A bit much, huh? But is it really too much to give one more young man a more accurate perception of what married life is. To let him know that you may not have this young, free, reckless, messy, lonely life, but you do have responsibilities, love, joy, fun, structure, support and someone to tell you that black dress shirt is not the business. (that young single guy could really use a makeover or a wife, something!)

Anyway, that's not really why I'm here either...

at the end of this marriage bashing session, young single guys says, "at least now you have the Office Monthly Happy Hour to look forward to and get a break!" *rolls eyes* I think I may even done that forreals, along with a sarcastic "HA!"

Young, single guy: Yea Tamika, I noticed you declined.
Me: Yea, I see you guys all day and after work, I just want to spend time with my favorite people who I didn't get to see all day.
Young, single guy: But we really don't see you all day? We're working and you don't really come in here for lunch
Me: yea.
Young, single guy: ??? (kinda looked at me questioningly)
Me: By choice. I like to be by myself
Married guy #2: Tamika doesn't like us
Me: yea. No, I just... whatever. *awkward chuckle*
Single white female: she comes in to lunch, she's here now.
Young, single guy: hardly since I've been here. Maybe she just doesn't like me
Me: It was nice spending this time with you guys. *grabs trash and leaves*

no, I don't want to go to happy hour,
yes I declined it as soon as he sent it,
no I dont really like him but that's beside the point.
I really just rather be home with my family, a group of people I actually like and want to spend time with.
Yes it may seem anti-social and unfriendly.
and yes, I am fine with that. I will not be missing anything except stories I've already heard and drunk white people (and an Indian guy) throwing around the "f" word way too freely.

I just want married people, to give a true reality to young, single men especially. Tell them it's hard as crap, and you're married to a crazy, controlling woman who loves you, oils your feet, scratches your back, fixes your plate and you wouldn't have it any other way. Geesh!
And don't hang me for wanting to be home with my family that I love instead out with a bunch of whack, unhappily married white people. I may venture out to one of these Happy Hours one day, but it will not be one day soon. I may be missing an interesting, storytelling time but that's not why I'm here...

You guys have fun though!

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Mali, Oh Mali!

when there just aren't enough words for the amount of love and joy you feel... Happy 1st Birthday to my Mali!

But of course... I always have words. :) 

Three years ago, I miscarried. I wasn't sure about more children after that. It took a LONG time and a lot of tears to heal my heart. I have never known pain like that EVER. In life. And I know pain. Getting pregnant made Jerry propose to me though, going through the loss made me love him more. Getting married made me want to be a "just us". We'd discussed not having more children. I guess I am the only one who really meant it. Jerry wanted a son, so before we even made it 6 months married I was pregnant. I didn't even get excited. I wasn't sure about it. I had all kinds of doubts and fears.I didn't want to give up being Tamika. I didn't want to have to sacrifice my freedom, my life, my relationship with my husband. I didn't want the change of having a new baby in our home, on my body...
 I must've been out of my mind. I am so thankful God knew better than me. 
That boy, this child, my Mali... is my whole life. Nothing about loving him and being his mother ever feels like a sacrifice. His restless nights, he constant desire to be in my arms... it is ALL my joy and pleasure. I have never been more excited to play at 3 a.m. in my life! Everything about him is perfect. His timing in my life, his smile, his bow legs, his daddy's big nose on his little face, his bright beady eyes, his wild curls, his big stinky feet, his soft little hands, his cute lips, his laugh (fake or not), his kisses, his cry (fake or not), his hugs, his will, his defiance, his mischievous little grin when he's up to no good... he's so cute and so funny and my heart is so full. Being Malakai's mom is the greatest, most wonderful feeling. I am so sad he is not still my precious little baby, needing to be carried and held. But I am also so proud of his independence, his learning, watching him explore and grow and figure things out. 

His life is a blessing to my entire soul, my entire being. I thank God for Mali. I thank God for giving him to me and letting me be his mother. This job, this one year has changed me so much. Who knew so much love even existed? Now I know. 

It's funny how things work out. Two years ago I was discussing not having children, last year I was pregnant, this year I am the mom to a wonderful one year old... The faster he grows, the more I want to have another just to have those moments again. And at the same time, I just want to have this ONE! So that every moment of me is his and doesn't have to share his moments. Plus now that dad has his son, and I'm so consumed with being Mali's mom, the "no more children" tables have turned. HA! 

Today, I celebrate my sweet baby boy turning one year old. #bittersweet