Wednesday, November 20, 2013

A Baby Story

My heart spoke this last night as I was sleep stalking Mali and just now again, it crossed my mind. That's always when I know it should be blogged. Here goes...

There are all these posts geared to women with children. Often, when I repost a link talking about parents, or kids, I think about my childless peers. And I feel bad for rubbing my (not even close to perfect) family-focused posts in their face (that's not what I'm doing, but...) Sometimes I feel guilty for having a baby and kids and constantly posting about them and pictures. Recently a friend of mine posted a status because someone else was annoyed with her posting pics of her baby. It had me thinking "Who would be annoyed with that?" I don't know how those kinds of posts make a childless woman feel, but I can imagine (on a bad day), it could get annoying when someone always posts about their kids. Maybe they don't have kids and want kids of their own, maybe they lost a baby and are hurting, maybe they can't ever have children and it's a reminder for them. I couldn't understand someone annoyed with baby pictures at first, but I have been trying to step outside of my own shoes and find compassion for people when I wouldn't otherwise understand their view.  And as I was thinking about my newest addition, who is 13 years after my 1st child, I think to myself (and I'm saying out loud to you now)... it's perfect NOW. You have time.

I had my daughter when I was a 17 years young, a teenager, just starting my own life. And I was a good mom even then, I never starved her or put her in danger. I wasn't some reckless teen mom. No one looked at me and thought, "that girl should not have children!" Actually, it was always the exact opposite. My daughter was perfect. I had the opportunity to nurture and raise other children just based off my responsibility as a parent to her. Throughout my 20's I was thinking, this is it right here! This is when people should have children. I'm still young and energetic, I can relate to her. I will have my life back by the time I'm 40, then the living can really begin. I was done!

I married a man with children and considered (maybe even planned) to not have any more. I thought we would finish raising the ones we had and then live happily ever after. I don't think he ever really agreed on that. He decided another one together would be perfect, but twice we were pregnant, and twice I lost the baby. At that point, I really knew it was not for me. No more trying, no more kids, no more failed pregnancies. I didn't even want to try anymore. (I also didn't do anything to prevent him from trying..) Cue Mali! I got pregnant again this last time right before I was to turn 30. I didn't get my hopes up, I wasn't excited. I was almost, dare I say it, disappointed. I didn't want to sacrifice my life anymore, I didn't want to sacrifice my body, I didn't want the heart ache of another failed pregnancy. I was just really disconnected. After I got past the 12 week mark, I still didn't get excited, but I began to accept that it just might happen. I don't really recall when I came around.
I spent a lot of my time in the doctor's waiting area though. Either I'd had a bleeding scare, lack of fetal movement fears, or those "the doctor wants to monitor you regularly" appointments had me constantly there. I had at least 10 ultrasounds and an appointment every 2 weeks. How could I not accept there was a baby coming when my whole pregnant life was spent focusing on baby?

He's here now, in all his baby perfection. Sometimes I just sit and hold him and stare at him. I talk to him all the time about life and love, friendship and food. Idk if there's anything he and I don't discuss. Jerry is the topic of a lot of our conversations. Mali is so infatuated by Jerry, I'm jealous. Jerry can ignore Mali all day, but whenever he's in eye range, Mali is staring him down, just waiting... and waiting. Eventually I say "Mali, your daddy isn't as aware of you as I am, you have to call him. Say Daaaddddy! Daddy!" Jerry finally looks over and Mali just smiles. At night when I am dead tired and Mali is wide awake, it doesn't even matter that it's 3 am and I have to get up in the morning. If he's not even thinking about falling back to sleep, I just tell him "I guess now is as good a time as any to have some quality time." He smiles, I smile. What time is it again? It doesn't even matter. And when that 5:30 a.m. alarm goes off, yes I am tired and I hate the sound of it, but I get up and I function. I am still alive and happy. Sleep, who?

I love Jerry more just because of Mali. Randomly, once I said, "thank you Mr. Brawner." He looked at me staring at Mali and said "For what? Mali? You're welcome."

Me: How did you know?
Him: I haven't done anything else great lately.

Mali is great, more than that. He's perfect.

I write this blog for you lady friends without kids. I love girl Kai, I would never take back those moments. She is amazing and wonderful and beautiful. Everything about her was perfect, except for the timing. I did alright, she is still alive. But right now, this time... it's a different kind of perfection. I am 30 (turning 31, whoa!), I have a new baby and if the coin was right, I'd do it again, maybe even again after that. Age is not a limitation. Do not sit around feeling sorry for yourself because the baby experience is not in your story yet. Don't rush it. Children are amazing, yes. And any experience can produce an amazing child, yes. But today, as I forego happy hour with the coworkers and rush to get home, I am thankful for this last chance to do it again. Thankful that Jerry and God knew better than me and didn't let me be done. Thankful for those failed pregnancies that made that last successful one, although difficult, worth it. So thankful for my Mali who lights up my day and night (especially at 3 am).

I was 20, waiting for the weekend to come, just so I could hang out with my friends. Now I'm 30 and waiting for the weekend just so I can get a full day with my sweet boy. I know some of you are thinking, "but I'm not 30, I'm 35 and time is still ticking and I don't even have a man." For you, my response is, pray that God brings children in your life and trust His way. You don't know what God has planned for you and what He is capable of. It may not be in the cards for you to birth children of your own, but there are so many children out there that need someone. Be a mentor, babysit for a single mom who needs a break, or a tired mom who was up at 3 a.m. with a newborn. Those experiences could help someone else, fill and void in you and maybe even prove to you that kids is not the way to go, lol (j/k, but kinda not).  :)

I pray my words offer you some peace!!

Love, Tam

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Not Speaking My Language

Hey there. This week, my sweet new baby boy turned 2 months old. Also, this week, I got into a… (fight isn't the right word) It was more like silently unhappy with one another… I’d say something, he’d take it out of context and then say something or do something that would drive me just mad. Or he’d say something, and maybe I was feeling super sensitive and I’d take it wrong. Basically, we needed to have a calm conversation where we cleared the air. There is nothing more I hate than discomfort in my own home, the not speaking, the tiptoeing around each other not speaking, the disconnect with my husband. I kind of foresaw this happening, so I was prepared… or so I thought.
It had been building up for about a week. I’d make a comment and Mr. Brawner would go from “0 to 1000” (I say this often to him) seemingly unwarranted from my view. His “1000” doesn't typically arouse a response from me… I’m pretty adjusted to his crazy and thank the Good Lord, I am mature and can gauge that most things just need to be ignored. But this particular week, maybe for a number a reasons (hormonal sensitivities, returning to work anticipation, financial stress), his crazy was just inflaming my “crazy”. And my sarcasm (God help me, I’m working on it) was just in full condescending force and probably wasn't making him feel too good either. So, to put it simply, we were butting heads and not getting along. It happens!
I am going to try to tell this story as unbiased and favorable to my side as possible. LOL!

This particular day, Saturday I believe, we woke up normally. I thought he had to work, because he always does on a Saturday and just Friday afternoon, he texted me asking “do you mind if I work tomorrow?” To which I replied, “nope, not at all.” Or something to that effect. I have learned that some battles are not worth the fight. Yes, he works too much but, also, yes he’ll be back home at a decent time and I’ll see him then. He tried to say he told me, but I know he didn't and my sarcasm reared its head bright and early, “it was probably a convo you had with your mom while you were gone yesterday.” Just Friday (back tracking, but this is important to the story), he came home from work then had to leave right back out to drop off clothes to the J’s who were spending weekend with his mother. I helped him find clothes for them, then asked if I could join him on his quick trip to drop off the clothes. Of course, he didn't mind me coming. But then, I had to stop and feed our crying, hungry baby. I was burping Mali when he was ready to go, but he seemed in a hurry and I told him to just go ahead. Life with Mali has taught me to slow down. There was no need to take an un-burped, congested baby out the house and I had been home all day and wasn't quite dressed for the trip yet, and plus Mr. B would be right back. Tops, it’s a 20 minute trip. When about 45 minutes went by I texted Mr. B (scrolls messages to give accurate text) “I didn't know you’d be gone FOREVER!!!” (Idk if I should say what I really meant here, or save I for the conclusion when I tried explaining it to him… I’ll save it). He replied, “it’s not forever! I’m leaving my moms now. I didn't know I wasn't pose to talk to my mom. I'm sorry.” I explained to him that I didn't know he was going to his mom’s and that I thought he was just dropping off clothes, but do you see all that tone he gave me back? Strike 1!
But yea, then Saturday he tried to tell me he told me he didn't have to work, but nah that wasn’t me you told. I accepted the error then got myself excited that I’d finally have a day with my husband. I'd been in the house for weeks, just me and Mali, watching everyone else pass in and out. And I'd been looking forward to a weekend with people, especially my husband. But then he took every opportunity to leave out the house for something or another. Once, to meet a friend real quick, once to run to the bank, once to go to the store. At some point he finally sat down with me, then proceeded to play Grand Theft Auto. I don’t mind him playing this game, but Mali and I can’t sit there through all the cursing and violence. My brain just can’t take it, so I went upstairs and took a nap. When I woke up and came back down, he was still playing and I sat next to him just to get some form of time in. Kai came and got Mali for her designated Mali time, at which point I said with relief and joy, “ it’s just us!” Then he mentioned being hungry and fell asleep. Yay me! (There’s that sarcasm again). My mom came over for a bit, so I left him to nap, talked to her and while I was talking to her, he walks passed me dressed and announces he’s going to the store. By the time he comes back, she’s gone, he fixes something to eat then comes to sit down with food for just him. I just about had a silent cow, but I didn't. I trotted me and my cow, and my baby up the stairs, took a deep breath then eventually came back down (idk how long I was gone… but not long, he was still eating). I had a seat, he mumbled something, I mumbled something back. He asked me what my problem was, I voiced my “you only feeding yourself now” annoyance. He retreated to the kitchen, fixed me something and I stubbornly, sarcastically responded “oh, for me? How sweet, you’re such a good husband.” Then he left me and a sleeping Mali downstairs and he went to bed, I assume. I ate my food, both of us (me and my food) steaming… then I put on some shoes and left out the door (good evening, at the tone the time will be 9:45 pm. BEEP!) . I wish my sister lived closer. I had little gas (and a having been robbed at a gas station years ago one dark, rainy evening, won’t catch me slipping again) so I drove a few miles towards nowhere, stopped in a shopping center and proceeded to text my sister.
NOTE: as I was walking out the door, I texted Mr. B… “You should listen for Mali. I had to get out that house before I screamed.”

Jules is always my sanity. I wish she were closer, but thankful she is only a call/text away. I explained my need to run away, my feeling frustrated and overwhelmed to her. She prayed and texted me back to a sane place and eventually I drove back home, sat in my driveway for a bit and watched the episode of Revenge I’d missed. Eventually, I went inside, pumped my boob for the feeding I missed (no worries, there are plenty bottles of the good stuff in the freezer. I am always prepared for “the runaway”), and went to bed. Mr. B kept Mali in the bed on his side for the first hour or so, then we went to sleep wordless.
Mr. B woke up the next day, attempted to tackle some chores with Mali strapped to him in carrier, but eventually gave him over to eat.
I had somewhere to go that day, and I can only live in the silent house for so long. And knowing my husband, I know he’s always willing to make up when I come to him. I can’t think of a time I’ve ever been stubborn enough to wait him out. I got married to be happy, not to win a silent treatment fight. So after a while, the foolishness has to stop and if I got to be the one to cut it out, then so be it!
I came downstairs, interrupted his mean cleaning fest, took his hand, told him I love him and apologized. (If at this point you’re wondering WTH I’m the one apologizing… TRUE! But yea, I’m a big girl) “Jerry, I’m sorry. I love you and I apologize. I have been feeling super sensitive. You are probably being your same self, and I have been reacting to your actions more than usual, I apologize. I just miss you and instead of saying just that, I have been trying to get your attention which is only causing you to react and then for me to react. It’s just been a vicious cycle. I just want to spend some more time with you, I miss you.” In short, I pretty much took the entire blame for the whole danged thing, whether he was wrong or not! I announced my role in it, just wanting the “fight’ to be over. And guess what this bama did…. He HAD THE NERVE to continue to blame me. Idk what I was expecting, (his own apology, his simple forgiveness and accepting my apology, silence), anything would have been better than his actual response. “Yea, you've been tripping lately. I knew something was wrong with you, and you was acting like it was me… blah blah blah.” (The unbiased story telling is over! Did you notice?)
This guy had the nerve to blame it all on me. Did he not know I was just trying to end the fight, be the bigger person, and take blame although he was also in error? He must didn’t get the hint. HOL’ UP! Hol’ up!!!! Negro!!!
This convo, that was just supposed to last a sec so that I didn’t leave home angry with him, turned into a whole 30+ minute debate. Somehow I got to a point where I had to explain to him that he isn’t perfect BY FAR and that I practice forgiving him even if he never apologizes. I tried to tell him that I probably have to “forgive” him at least once a day on average. And I can’t understand it, but, he took offense to that. Instead of being grateful that I don’t hold a grudge and have to hear an apology from him in order to ignore his actions that are displeasing to me, all he heard was “you’re a problem every day and you’re lucky I’m still with you.” (Which I, of course, didn’t say!) That just turned the whole “I’m trying to make up with you” convo, into an all-out bigger discussion. He questioned why I was even with him, why don’t I just go be happy since he is such a problem… and on and on, pretty much trying to give me an out to our marriage, all a bunch of crazy foolishness... Men are nuts! Of course that crazy man does not want to divorce me! On a good day, he will tell you how he feels like the luckiest man alive because he landed such a catch, how he would die or kill me (jokes) if he ever thought he’d lose me. I tell you all this, not to make my husband or me look crazy, not to ruin your perception of me or my marriage, not to… anything but shine a light on realities. My marriage is not perfect. In my own strength and patience I would have screamed and yelled and took that man with his hurtful words up on his offer and screamed and yelled and stomped out and made it all worse. But, thank you Jesus, I am aware that he is a prideful man, with feelings that just wants to know that he is keeping his wife happy. He was feeling insecure, I was missing him and not communicating it well, we were both sleep deprived, a whole bunch of nothings were growing into a bunch of miscommunicated somethings and growing all out of proportion.
Honey, what sense does it make that I am trying to communicate, although poorly, that I miss you and you are suggesting I should just leave you since you’re so horrible to me? I am not saying I am unhappy with you, I am saying I want to spend more time with you. My need to spend time with you was going unfulfilled and it turned me into a hurting, sarcastic person because you were failing to acknowledge me because I was failing to communicate it in a way you understood. Stop offering me a divorce before I threaten to kill you. I love you and I’d hate to have to do it, but I will.   By the time I come back, have your mind right. I gotta go, love you. *kisses*
And just like that, we made up.
Yes, this “fight” could have gone on forever. Yes, I have no clue how long he would have been willing to live in the silent treatment house because I always need to get to the bottom of it. Yes, I am mostly ALWAYS the bigger person and YES, I am ok with that. I don’t need to “win” any fights, but I do need a happy home. It’s more important to me. Neither of us is perfect, there will be a lot more disagreements and miscommunications. But I look forward to them all, they’re helping me grow (up and closer to God).
Then the next weekend happened almost the same way. He spent more time in the house than out, I voiced my ongoing frustration. He left to spend some time with himself, then came back and wanted to be friends (as if he didn’t just do the same thing another weekend). I accepted his (nonverbal) apology and we went on as a married couple again. (Should I have pointed out that moment how I forgave him even though he didn’t apologize? NAH!)
We’ll see how this weekend goes, except he won’t catch me slippin another weekend. I have book club on Saturday and a date with my chicas on Sunday. I refuse to be trapped in there and he’s out living la vida boring. Even I know he’s not having fun. For the life of me I can’t understand why he’d rather be out bored by himself instead of bored with me… but eh, maybe that’s his man thang! I’ll get over it, cause I got my new boyfriend Mali to replace him. (I’ll let you know when that becomes the next problem.) I can already see it... I stop wondering why he’s never spending time with me because I got Mali to keep me company. He gets jealous of my new love and wants to snuggle back in, but now I’m out living la vida loca!!! I start making my own plans so I’m not sitting around waiting on him, except unlike him, I’m having fun and now he’s wanting me home all the time, but NAH SON!!! Lol Watch!

Marriage is not easy, it is WORK and a fresh lesson daily. But it’s just one crazy day at a time. We (Me, Jesus, Jerry and Jules) got this!!! Jesus and Jules are necessary to keep this thing going hahahahaha!!!

My long a PEACE!

Love, Tam

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Privacy Policy

Not much in my life is private anymore. I have an active Facebook, Twitter and Instagram account. I have a rant problem and maybe even a slight problem with over sharing. I've found healing and therapy in voicing my thoughts, frustrations and concerns and with all this social networking access, I find myself (every once in a while) telling my life via the World Wide Web. Lets not forget, here I am (currently 3:23 a.m.) and I'm up typing this blog. Of course I just got done with a Baby Kai feeding but still... It bring me to why I'm here.

Not much is private anymore. I haven't had a baby in 13 years and 13 years ago technology and the access to the Internet was NOT on this level. Did I even have a cell phone? I had no cell, no digital camera, I was not on a Facebook, there was no Twitter, for sure no IG and no one was "sharing" or "hash tagging" or tweeting or blogging their every thought. So my life with a brand new Kai girl was private, void of pictures (other than the ones that landed themselves trapped in a drug store bought, roll rewind, disposable camera. No one expected her picture in the first 24 hours of her life or wanted to know the details of her birth or expected to get the announcement she arrived while the doctor was still stitching my va-j... 
So now that baby Kai, my second born, only boy is here, I just want to keep an element of him to myself for as long as possible. Yes, I am aware that I am responsible for the curious hype surrounding his life. I am the one who overshared the details of my entire, frustrating pregnancy. I am the one who drew everyone in and made them hopeful for a baby that they may never meet. But... I just want to keep a piece of him to myself for as long as I can. I take full responsibility for the buzz I created and hope that my FB status update and less than head shot photos of him were enough to suffice any initial curiosities. Yes, I know I have you all like... "We want more!" But for now, just for a small moment, I just want to have him all to myself and I promise to give the people what they want... in time, on my time, some time "soon". 
For the record, I think he is beautiful. He has the most perfect eyes and beautiful lips and he looks just like Mr. Brawner :). I'm hoping his little brown freckles are a sign of some color to come cause I'd like to walk around with a brown baby who resembles me in some small way. But if he stays the color of corn, I'll love him just the same. 
So I appreciate your cyber love for him, I hope you all really get to meet him in real life sometime because I have this problem where I love people I social network interact with daily. I feel like you all apart of my real life and I am bff's with people I haven't shared air with in 15 years or EVER in some cases. And I'd love for you to know him as well. But for now, I just want to hold him close and keep him to myself. 
Just not enough is private anymore, but I promise to catch you up on Baby Kai soon. For now though. Baby Kai aka...

Malakai Julius Brawner 
Born: August 6, 2013
Weighing: 7lbs 11oz
Time: 11:54 a.m. 

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Slowly But Surely

So I'm laying in a hospital bed... Baby Kai is on his way, slowly but surely. And I feel relieved, not so scared anymore and blessed. He's taking his sweet time, but I don't even mind. It's not going as I planned, but this is just setting the mark for things to come. I'm certain not much will go as I plan for years to come. Thank you Lord for your protection over baby Kai and me. Thank you for smacking some sense into Mr. Brawner and waking him up to be a sufficient support person. Lord knows I wanted to strangle him for sleeping through my contraction pains. It took a cry "I want my mom", for him to realize the severity of my need but at least he got it... slowly but surely. Thank you lord for Dr. Johnson for telling me that getting an epidural did not mean I gave up. It is just "choosing to turn the AC on in 100 degrees". Why suffer the heat when you have AC? Thank you Dr. Johnson... I think I love her. So I'm laying in this hospital bed, unable to sleep (I'm adjusted to that no sleep life), but relaxing nicely thanks to my "epidural high" and just thankful that my God is a God of peace and strength and is EVERYTHING I'm not. And provides me with everything I need. I am definitely better than my last post, not completely fearless but I have a peace that surpasses all understanding. Baby Kai will be here soon and I'm excited. Mr. Brawner is laying on the couch in my room snoring his big heart out, but right now... even that's ok. 
I'll be sure to update you on baby Kai's arrival, until then... Keep me in your prayers and Happy Birthday Baby Kai! 

Friday, July 26, 2013

MY Truth: The Baby Blues

My TRUTH? I am a little scared.... scared of the labor, scared I'm going to look at him and not LOVE him right away, scared I won't know what to do, scared of the disconnect it could cause in my marriage, scared of the new dynamic it will bring to our home. I am scared. BIG TIME!
I tried expressing these fears to Mr. Brawner. About the labor and delivery... "you're more of a punk than I thought you were." Really Mr. Brawner? I could have cried in that moment. He's been in labor before so he knows that it's just a piece of cake *rolls eyes*. Sometimes he can be so insensitive. I don't think I ever expressed to Mr. Brawner aloud that I was worried I wasn't going to love our baby. But when the kids talk about what he may look like, I facetiously say "hopefully he looks like a Keys and not a Brawner". I hope Mr. Brawner never really takes that too personally, but I just think us Keys are a beautiful bunch. Ummmm! Have you seen Kai girl as a baby? Beautiful! I would have a Kai do over a million times. Idk those Brawner faces as babies, but er uhhh... whatev! And my concerns about my love for him aren't even superficial... I am just so detached these days. I haven't been a mother to an infant in 13 years... I am a different person now. I have no idea how I am going to feel about him once he's here (do you know that I feel safe in my blog bubble and hope no judgement gets thrown at me?) You know how some women are just "so happy" to be pregnant and just love it and their babies right away? Well... that's not me. At all! I am not a fan of being pregnant, I can't even pretend that I am and I know people expect me to already be in love with the baby that's in my belly already... well, that's not me either. I don't even know him! (it's crazy, I know. Don't judge me!) But I don't. Idk where my maternal instinky thing went, but... wait, did I ever have one? I had one, right? *thinks back* I definitely took good care of Kai in my young parenting age, but it was more of a responsibility, an obligation. I loved her, of course but I don't recall it being overwhelming... geez, my own honest revelation is disturbing me. Maybe I just don't remember right. I definitely parented her, I wasn't a deadbeat. There was reading and songs for waking up and going to bed and eating her food.... I engaged. I was present. I loved being her mother... I shouldn't be worried about this. I will see him, and love him and it'll all kick right back in. I shouldn't even be afraid of not knowing what to do. Yes, Kai girl was easy. She didn't cry, she walked and talked early, was potty trained by 2 yrs old... I don't expect baby Kai to live up to all that. But I got this! 2 worries crossed off the list!
But the disconnect in my marriage... terrified! He and I parent different. He thinks just cause he wanted this more than me that he can do whatever he wants and that he gets full baby say. Nah son! It's not gonna work that way. Because I did this for you, I get say and I'm willing to compromise with you. I'm worried I will become second and get overlooked. I'm worried that the much needed and looked forward to quality time with my husband will be a distant memory. I worried I will be jealous of Mr. Brawner's focus on the baby. I'm worried I will become lonely. A house full, yet lonely. I thrive off my relationship with my husband. All worries go away when I get a moment of him. When will this happen? When I voiced this concern... "all these girls here, we will find the time." And maybe he's right, but that just brings me to my next fear. The dynamic of our house. I have gotten everyone adjusted to my space, my boundaries and my limits. Everyone is aware of my required "Tam Time". Will all that go out the window once their baby brother arrives? Mr. Brawner thinks, "Oh we have all these babysitters!" I see it as "My poor baby will never breathe fresh air cause all these girls will never leave him alone." And if they're not leaving him alone, am I going to get time alone? I want to be able to put up baby boundaries, but I feel like it sounds so selfish when I say it out loud. I feel like all my control issues are super peaked. "He's my baby, back up!" And of course Mr. Brawner is like, "he's a boy, he'll be fine. Let them play with him." Yes, he's a boy, but he's a baby. He's MY BABY!!! I just want them to give him a break, give me a break. I want to be selfish about him. I want to hide him in my room. And I am scared that I will turn into evil step mom and Mr. Brawner will think I'm crazy and the dynamic in my house will be crazy. There are 5 of them, 5 girls that are overly excited to pick up, hold, and play with a baby. I don't want him to turn into their doll that gets caught in a tug-o-war of the crazy girls. "My poor baby" is all I can think. Mr Brawner: "it'll all be fine." But will it, really? I just don't see how it will be fine. I'm unraveling and I'm scared. Scared things will never be the same... scared I'm so consumed with my fears that I am manifesting them into reality. Scared that I'm unprepared for all of this and scared that I will regret this whole baby thing once he's here and it all comes crashing. Scared that I will resent him. Scared that I will feel like my life is over and scared that I will be "one of THOSE mothers". You know the kind... the kind people judge. How could she...? What kinda mother? Blah blah... You know what I'm talking about. You people that can't relate and are in denial about truths and pretend to always be happy about even the worse circumstances are probably labeling me right now. "I would never..."
But I learned to be honest with myself long ago, minus the shame. Minus the need to pretend like I have it all together, all the time. Minus the desire to appear prefect. It ain't all blue skies and butterflies!

Since I'm in this place, let me tell you my ultimate fear *already on the verge of tears*...

More than anything. More than not loving baby Kai, more than my husband and I disconnecting, more than feeling overwhelmed and never getting to be to myself, with myself or like myself ever again... I am worried for Kai girl. She is so fragile. She needs me. She has a tank that is almost impossible to fill. I am barely handling that now. I am so afraid I am going to lose her. I am afraid I will not be enough. I am afraid she will need even more to compensate for the new baby and I will be even more inadequate at filling her tank. I am terrified she will be so desperate for time, attention, approval, love that she will slip away from me. I am afraid that I will too wrapped up in new Kai that old Kai will see it, feel it and resent it. I am afraid that I will fail her.

I am afraid that I will be so overwhelmed that I will feel like baby Kai was a mistake. I will hate myself, resent my husband, and my home will fall apart.
The truth is hurting... I need some reassurance. And not that Mr. Brawner reassurance. I need real, tangible, empathetic, relate able,  practical reassurance. Screaming "HELP!" at the top of my lungs.


Peace? Where are you?

Monday, June 3, 2013

My Heart Is Smiling... The Baby Shower Speech

I had my sweet Angie read this for me at the shower. If left to me, it would've been cried through from the beginning. I barely survived hearing it read just knowing they were my heartfelt words of love for the main people I'm excited to share this baby journey with. Thanks Angie for being my voice...

I know I am always so vocal about my sister and how amazing she is, but when God blesses you with something so wonderful, it's really hard to keep it to yourself. She is... Everything! I can count on her for anything. She is my main support, my best friend, my source of wisdom, strength, Christian accountability, motherly support, example of a patient, forgiving and supportive wife... I don't think it's a coincidence we both have (going on) age 13 daughters. God knew I would need her empathy, example and support when it comes to crazy daughters. The way she loves Kai just like she's one of her own... From birth she has willingly taken Kai in and Summer mothered her. I could not have done it without her those summers.
She is the person who tells me when I'm wrong or overreacting or going down the wrong the path without worrying how I'll take it. Maybe she does worry, but knows I need her voice of reason and gives it to me because she loves me and wants what's best for me. No matter how I initially respond, I love you, I hear you and I appreciate your honesty with me. 
I don't know anyone who celebrates me more. Who rejoices in my victories and is right there rooting me on or throwing the most amazing party. You are my example of Christ's unconditional love. You are my 1 Corinthians 4 personified. I love you and if I grow up to be anything near the wonderful, loving, graceful, talented, and amazing mother, wife, sister, friend and aunt you are I will count it a success. You are truly the best sister ever. And thank you for loving me even in spite of me sometimes. I love you Jules and you are truly precious to me! Baby Kai is lucky to have you as his aunt. 

Jerry I love you too! :) the proof is in the swollen belly, feet and face. But no really, thank you seriously for conspiring with Kai an God and giving me a son. I didn't know how much I wanted this until it's happening and I am excited to create and raise this life with you. I can't wait to have a baby boy that's going to love me more. Those daughters of ours are all obsessed with you... and that's ok now :)

Truly. Selfishly, I did this for Ikaia. I loved her as my only child for forever. I've watched her grow and she's so wonderful and beautiful. Idk if its possible to love her more. But she had "baby brother" on her Christmas list... so Merry Christmas! And I can't wait to see her as a big sister. I can only imagine how much more amazing she'll be and I can't wait to watch them together. My heart is smiling.  :) 

Monday, May 20, 2013

How could you?

Happy Monday people!

I am having a really roller coaster day, *sings* Vivian Green's "Emotional Rollercoaster". I've cried, I recovered, I've laughed... I was having an email conversation with my brother and it had me thinking...

How could you?

Our conversation had me thinking about someone and it made me realize the expectations that were still going unmet from this person. Then it had me thinking "How could they?" I found myself at a disconnect. If  I were that person, and I was in there situation... I just can't imagine how they thought process and handle situations. If I were you and I was in your situation, I would not be able to function. How do you live? with yourself? with your thoughts? with the lack of connection? Are you human? Where is your heart? your soul? What kind of man are you? How? ...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
A stream of not understanding.

"I am not that person!" I know. Maybe I should be searching myself for some compassion, maybe if I walked a day in their shoes I would understand. Maybe, but I doubt it. And even in thinking all this, it still doesn't take away the expectation. (I feel like I am not making sense here Am I? But maybe this is just for me to get off my chest).
But what can I say? I just need to drop the expectation from this person. Realize they are who they are, they are the one losing, not me. I am doing what I am supposed to do. I tried. I can't try for them too. I just have to accept, move on, and pray for them along the way. I don't think I'm angry with them, it's more of a numbness. A detachment, but still a wondering. It's sad. But it's life. I will work on releasing the expectation as best I can. I think it is my nature to connect with people and share in their life, and I don't understand anything other than that. I love my family so much, I will just choose to be thankful for them. My cup is overflowing anyway.

There is a bigger cup whenever you are ready to pour into it... but for now I'll just keep this smaller cup so that it stays full. I won't get a bigger cup yet just to leave myself with this unfulfilled space. So for now, I won't expect more and keep the bigger cup in storage or somewhere out of sight, out of mind.

Monday, May 13, 2013

He Came For My Heart

He came for my heart...
His pursuance persisted.
My heart still wounded,
I opposed and resisted.

My fight was so strong,
But his love was consistent,
He proved his intent,
Yet still I stayed distant

Desperate not to fall,
I watched every step.
“I’m not here to hurt you,
Is that hard to accept?”

I was used to the pain
Another man dealt. 
I was used to containing
All the feelings I felt.

He never fought back
Patient in his dealings.
Never jealous or pushy
No pressing my feelings.

“You should pray about him!”
My mom was concerned.
I am not in control
A hard lesson I’ve learned.

So I went to the Father,
ever steady in prayer.
Lord, what do I do?
You know that I’m scared.

You know the bad dreams
and how I'm afraid to commit
You know my deep sadness
The ones I seldom admit.

You know my life heartaches
And how I struggle to trust
You know what he did to me
Will I ever adjust?

“Tamika, I know all about you
And what you’ve endured
I know all your needs
And I am the cure.

You may have had moments
Where you felt on your own
But I was always beside you
I never left you alone.

You stayed faithful to me
And I promised to guide
I am here to protect you
Wipe the tears that you cried.

Your focus wasnt on me
I am a jealous you know.
But you are my child
And I want you to grow.

I gave you the bad
To bring you towards me
Now here is the good
Just enjoy it and see.

I love you enough
To give him to you
So continue loving me
And see what I do.” 

Lord, I am trusting in you
And your watch over my life.
You restored my heart
To make me his wife.

I will open my heart
to see what we can be
But I can only love him
Because God has loved me.

This is my true story of heart break and abuse healed and transformed because of God's keeping power. I am struggling to care about and open my heart to someone who cherishes me deeply because of past hurt. And God is showing me that I don't have to worry about anything because he has me and my life on 24 hour watch. Even if this present story doesn't have the happiest of endings, I can not and will not be afraid to live it and enjoy it. My life is not in my own hands... I cannot control anything. How can I not trust God to take care of me knowing what he delivered me from? He did not leave me then and He will not leave me now. I am forever transformed. And because God loved me, I am able to return His love to someone else.

Let Me Take You My Way

I know I act like "it's my way or no way",
And it doesn't really seem like I care.
The old me wants to tell you to "take it or leave it,
Cause in reality life is not fair!"

I'd push you away before we even start out,
We wouldn't make it far past go
But that wasn't working and I wasn't happy
So the new me wants you to know...

"My way is the way that looks safe to me right now
Although I've never gone this way before.
I know it's the right way to get where we're going
I need you to trust my direction more.

It may not look like we're getting any place,
and we're taking the longer route.
We're walking in circles and climbing up hills
I hope to ease some of your doubt.

As we go my way we can talk and hold hands,
You laugh as I tell you jokes...
I'll smile at you as you walk with me
And discuss anything our journey evokes

Wont be too many thrills and no flashy lights,
But hopefully you'll be pleased to see.
That I am not the one leading our travels,
But it is God who is leading me.

HIS way is the one I desire to take,
I hope you're up for it too.
If we go where HE leads and follow HIS way,
HE is certain to bless what we do.

This way is not promised to be easy for us,
We must be prepared for the rain and bad weather.
But the sun will shine too and in the end it will be nice
Just the three of us walking together." :)

Great Risk = Great Reward

Good morning and Happy Monday!!!

Today just so happens to be my dating anniversary with Mr. Brawner and I have been doing some major reminiscing. I have always been the kinda person that journals my thoughts, writes down things I want to remember, saves letters I write to people on my computer... so whenever I need to self reflect, go back, reminisce or check myself, I have written confirmation for however I was feeling.
Dating Jerry seemed to come from nowhere, he fell out the sky, I truly did not see it coming. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship, I was semi seeing someone else who I didn't even like but he was the opposite of the bad relationship I had just come out of (just a different kind of crazy) and I was focusing on getting Tamika together. I was, more than anything, focusing on my relationship with God. I was determined to stay away from men and their evils, foolishness and games and concentrate on healing my very broken, needle pinned, and tarnished heart. I was not looking to get into a relationship! I needed major recovery. I was not myself and honestly, I didn't even know who "myself" was. Spending years conforming to what someone demanded me to be, then coming out of it and pretending to be a whole person, to put it simply... I was A MESS, a HOT MESS! I had come out of one crazy relationship, only to jump into another one that was just as crazy (we'll call him LR for the sake of story telling). LR was special needs, part retarded, a walking train wreck, and was worse off than me. And that's what I was attracted to... he was worse off than me, he needed bullying and he would do what I said. I became the abuser. I never liked him, yet instead of being controlled, for once I was the controller! If he even resembled pushing back, I'd bite! No one was ever going to take advantage of me again. I was never going to be weak, I was never going to submit or follow, I was never going to let anyone else hurt me again ever. Nope! This time I would be the one causing all the pain. I manipulated and I used my painful past as leverage to get my way. And when that stopped working, I'd soften back up, cry and be sweet to be in control again. Oh the circle continued! Eventually, when I snapped out of that crazy circle of madness, worked on getting back to a place that resembled normalcy, trusting God to be my source instead of the comfort of some man and then... along comes Jerry. Nope! He is just a trick of the devil. Flee from me! lol (but forreals). I'd written a letter in April 2010 dismissing LR from a place in my heart. He was torn between me and the mother of his children and I had to set his crazy free. In the letter I wrote...

"you don’t know what you want to do, and that’s my answer right there. Because the man God has for me knows it... that man, nothing would keep him from me. The man God has for me isn't going to compare me to some other woman. That man is gonna accept me as I am flaws and all. That man will come when I am ready and capable of loving someone correctly and won’t leave me just because I mess up. That man is out there and I am going to wait until God sends him. I deserve that I think, I just gotta stop trying to make it happen on my own and rely on God."

So a month later Jerry talking some "I want you to be my girl friend and great risk = great reward" was not something I was looking to hear at the time. I allowed him to be my friend. I minimally indulged his advances and avoided him at the same time. He was a "nice guy", but I don't trust those types. All guys are nice guys at first and the nicer they are the more I don't trust em! I can pretend to be normal too... Except, for once, I couldn't. I was literally crazy (Mr. Brawner likes to remind me of my nutty from then often and acts like I'm still just as crazy now.. but I refuse to accept it! But, I digress...) I would avoid him for a week, he would be patient and just text me to say hello or check on me. He would ask to see me. I would have an excuse and shut him down, then avoid him a little more. I would have some super free time and his quiet demeanor was inviting, so when he asked me out again I would accept. We would hang out, he would be amazing and patient and giving and comforting and... everything. And I still wouldn't trust it. I would avoid him some more, then give in to a date and he would be wonderful all over again, listen to my crazy, allow me to cry, hold me, cook me food, be patient and understanding, then I'd avoid him again. Over and over again I would tell him, "I'm not ready for this! I'm not in my right mind, it's not fair to you for me to be so crazy. I need to get over my issues before I can be there for someone else." And he'd respond with the same patience and understanding; pretty much tell me crazy people need friends too, remind me that he isn't perfect either and tell me he doesn't need me to take care of him, he was trying to take care of me. I didn't trust him! lol... but honestly, truly... time with him felt good, "this is like a vacation, I need to get back to my real life soon." 
Him: I don't want to be a vacation, vacations don't last. This is life with Jerry. 
I stopped avoiding him as much, we went out a lot (the timing for my getting it together was perfect because Kai would be away during the summer)! He cooked for me, we Netflixed and watched The Wire together, he let me be crazy as much as I needed, he watched me do a lot of crying and healing, he wrote me poems and raps, we'd write down conversations in a notebook when we were sitting right next to each other, and over anything else.. he respected my desire to be celibate (I must honestly admit that did not last until wedding day, but he never pressured it). We talked about EVERYTHING! We agreed, we disagreed, we'd argue, I'd leave, he'd be waiting... I was still crazy, he was still patient. He became my best friend. There was nothing I couldn't tell him. I'd divulge my ugly past, he'd hug me with no judgments  He... loved me! And to me, his love and patience and tolerance was made for me. Like God designed him to be what I needed, because otherwise I can't even begin to explain how one human being could have dealt with what I was going through in the way he did. He never wavered. He was a literal Godsend. I joke that "he is the Joshua to the Jericho walls of my heart". The route to conquer that kingdom to someone watching would have made no sense, anyone else would have thought the process was ludicrous and given up before the victory. As for me, I was oblivious to my walls being about to come down. He just kept on marching, until one day... the walls crumbled. One day, I just KNEW I didn't want to be without that man. I can't keep this crazy girl going trying to test his boundaries, attempting to push him away, seeing how much he'll take before he gives up. I have to wonder if he ever would have. But I am convinced only a man sent by God would have had the instructions to conquer my heart because I fought it with everything in me....

But today, I am thankful for the risk... although not much risk was involved on my part. It was strategic and crucially prayed over again and again. I guess by September/October 2010, I had come to my senses and let him claim me officially. But on May 13, 2010.... the great risk began and I have felt the reward from it everyday since. I guess he was the one doing all the risking. Truth be told, to this day, I am still the practical one. Lucky for him, he found me to rationalize all these risks he wants to take. As we can see... He is the crazy one, not me! But I love him so.

Great risk = Great reward... those few words are what sparked a lifetime of happiness.

That's my peace! Love, Tam

September 2010... this is when I knew! 
December 2010

November 2011, the  engagement!  
New Year's, Jan 2012... engaged and headed to the altar
The Big Day! June 3rd 2012

Monday, April 29, 2013

A Sister to Blog About...

My just now epiphany... I can't determine whether it's all sisters, or just my own super awesome one, but...

Sisters are made to be your friend on your "off days". 

I can't always muster up being "Tamika". Some days I am Tamika the Grouch, or Tamika the Meanie or Tamika the Pest or Tamika the Super Annoyed and lately, almost always Tamika the Emotional. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect everyone to understand when I am those other people.I don't expect anyone to sacrifice their feelings for mine. I am an adult, I still am held responsible for the way I talk to and treat other people. Who wants to be friends or even be around a person who is grouchy, mopey, and moody? I can't even claim that I'd volunteer for that role. But HALLELUJAH! I am thankful for a sister who is still my friend even on my "off days". I have no idea what she is thinking about me as she experiences "Tamika the Crazy Person". She could me wringing my neck in her mind every time I speak. She could be planning her escape route and wishing she were somewhere else. (I doubt all that though) She is most likely praying me back to life and sanity. Or hugging the crazy out of me, or... just being Amazing Jules.

God bless her for seeing that I am not myself and loving me anyway. Never needing an explanation for my crazy, never condemning me, avoiding me, or giving me back the treatment I may deserve. She is just there, consistently loving me and guiding me back to myself. Everyone can't do that and like I said I don't expect it from everyone. I got Jesus, Jules and (sometimes) Jerry. He is a sensitive, moody creature himself. Often my grouchiness provokes his grouchiness, smh. I am just thankful for Jules and her friendship.

Is this a sister thing? Or just a Jules thing?

Whateverthecase... I consider myself super blessed that I get a sister like Jules. "Tell your sister to step her sister game up! Mine out here making the rest of ya'll look regular." teeheehee

That's my sister peace!
Love, Tam

I call her Jules (jewels) cause she's precious to me. :)

Friday, April 12, 2013

Guest Post: Divorce Is Not An Option

Happy Friday! Today is a wonderful day! This morning I woke up to the sound of thunder and lightning, the most ridiculous storm was going on outside my window... but right now, there is not one semblance of a thunderstorm happening just this morning. The ground is dry and just hours later, the sun is shining so brightly, not a dark cloud in the sky. I am so thankful for this morning's storm, it makes this current bright, sunshine all the more GLORIOUS!!!
Just like the sunshine after this morning's storm... Today is also my wonderful sister's 10th wedding anniversary. My sister plays so many roles in my life, I look up to her for so much. I am so blessed to have her presence and wisdom directly available to me. Her light just shines so brightly (*sings* She is my sunshine..), I am so proud of the woman she is, her radiance, her gracefulness... I am so proud of her relationship with her husband. I know it has not always been easy, but they are still together, clearly happily 10 years later. Knowing her, I can say "to God be the GLORY!"

But after being married 10 years, what would she say???

Here are her reflections on her marriage and celebrating 10 years with her husband....

 Today, April 12, 2013, I have been married for 10 years!! When I think about it, it is 1/3 of my life!  WOW! The roses have not been without thorns, which makes me even prouder of this accomplishment. We vowed until death do us part and “divorce is not an option”. I did not want to be married for life unhappily. About a year and a half in, I felt unhappy.  “I am not happy.” “He is not making me happy.” “He is never home.” “This might have been a mistake.” “He doesn’t know how to be a husband.” These are some of the things I was saying to myself and now realize the Devil was also whispering them in my ear.(Ephesian 6:12) According to a Marriage and Family Psychology class, I took at the University of South Carolina, my marriage was doomed from the start: too young, different backgrounds, age difference, my parents are divorced, and we had children and lived together before we were married. The odds were against us!

   BUT…divorce is not an option, so I went to the vast collection of books my mother owns and found a treasure in Help Me! I’m Married by Joyce Meyer! Best Book Ever!  Joyce Meyer, too, starts out complaining about her husband, but realizes “what do I really know about marriage? What am I bringing to the table as a wife?” This helped me to realize, I don’t know how to be a wife either. I was already a mother of 2 and pregnant with my third, living in Houston, where I had no family, knew no one besides Garrick’s very busy cousin. I was lonely and felt alone. I delved into books; The Power of a Praying Wife and A Wife After God’s Own Heart, are a few that really left a mark and sustained our marriage. They showed me “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, JULITA!”
  The truth is my marriage has made me a better person; mother, friend, sister, daughter. My marriage threw me at God’s feet! I cannot in my own power LOVE anyone. I must love like God loves me, despite my flaws, despite my feelings. I am merely human, imperfect and sinful married to a human who is flawed, imperfect and sinful. How can I expect perfection from him? Only God can fill the void in our lives! However, often times in a marriage we put this expectation of our spouses! It’s not going to work. There will be divorce unless we pray, seek God and obey His Word. 
  I pray for my Husband daily and journal one thing I am grateful for him each day, even if it’s “he went to work today” or “he took out the trash”. I find it hard to be angry, bitter and hurtful to someone after you pray for them. So instead of saying the first thing on my mind, when he says or does something irritating I say, “Lord, bless my husband!” (in my head of course).
  Practically and honestly, I also believe that the grass is never greener. I’d rather stick with the crazy I married than go and find crazier!

  I recently figure out my Love Language is “Receiving Gifts”. I scored 1 point higher in “Quality Time”, but I think it is because I realize someone giving you their time is a gift. My husband speaks to me in “Acts of Service”. I was feeling unloved because Love was getting lost in translation in our household. I highly recommend The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book was an eye opener and can clear up confusions of love in all relationships, not just between spouses!

I was a baby. I did not grow up until I recognized that my life is meant to be lived for someone besides me. God sustains my marriage, He is the glue holding us together. Only with His love and strength can I truly love as 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 explains what real LOVE is! It is my life motto. LOVE is kind, long suffering...unselfish!

Marriage is not easy, but it is worth it. I have a teammate. I do not have to carry my burdens alone. Ecclesiastes 4 :9-12

I am constantly trying to grow me up. I still, during my devotion read The Power Of A Praying Wife Devotional, every other night, and I recently finished The Respect Dare for Married Women by Nina Roesner. Together we read the ebook, Love Everyday. Because we want divorce to never be an option!!

~Post by, Julita Keys Rogers (sister, mother, friend and wife EXTRAORDINAIRE!)

I hope you read and enjoyed Jules' reflections on being married these 10 years. She has learned and grown so much over these years. I can see the difference in her since when we were children, she wasn't always this amazing, lol!! But really, I am so proud of her (Idk if I can ever say it enough how proud I am and how much she means to me). But I am so thankful that she doesn't just learn and grow then keep it all to herself and hide her awesomeness away from everyone else. I truly am blessed daily by her. She is a huge contribution to all that is a peace of Tam, literally. I pray her message blessed you as much as it did me.

She is my peace!

Love, Tam

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Please Excuse My Crazy

So, it's been decided that... I'm crazy! This is information I know to be the truth and have come to accept over the years. As I've gotten older, I have embraced my crazy and used it to my benefit. Yes, sometimes my crazy gets me into trouble. Sometimes my crazy says and does things that should NOT be said or done... BUT (oh and what a big butt it has become these days) there are those momentous occasions where my crazy is SO genius and even I am impressed (and I am not easy to impress so I've been told). My crazy often allows me to do things some only can imagine only because they never possess enough "crazy energy" to see it through...

Recently, my crazy had a breakthrough! *thinks to myself* Baby Brawner will be here soon enough. I have to decide Godparents for my sweet boy, this is not a choice I can make lightly. I have had a friend or 2 or 3 possess interest in filling this position, but how do I decide? How do I choose the perfect Godparents for Baby Brawner? How do I gauge their commitment and at the same time make them aware of my expectations without appearing like I am giving them the 3rd degree? How do I make them aware of just how serious this is for me without it seeming like a lecture I would give to my 12 year old? How do I narrow down my options without the "loser" feeling like it was personal? .................................................................
......................................................................................... and that is how the Baby Brawner Godparent Application was formed in my mind. It started off (mildly) as a joke, for fun. But the more thought I put into it, the more I realized how interested I was in knowing how "the applicants" would respond. I now realize I want them to realize how serious this task is for me and not just go into it lightly. It is a job, an important one! I am entrusting you with some top secret, high level stuff here and you are going to require a special clearance. I NEED TO KNOW you are truly up to the task. I started off with only a few questions, I ran it by Jules, we laughed, she gave her input, I took it home, ran it by Mr. Brawner, he looked at me like I was crazy, tapped into his own crazy (I realized we don't agree on a LOT of issues, lol) I asked him topics that were important to him, I edited again (once, twice, thrice, 4 times!), I ran it by Jules, took it home over the weekend to get Mr. Brawner's approval and go over the score card, edited again based off Mr. Brawner's input... now here we are. The Baby Brawner Godparent Application is now completed and has been sent out into the world. I must say, it got much more positive feedback than I expected it would. What I realized... you guys are just as crazy! Or maybe I'm not as crazy as I think... nah! Y'all are just nuts right along with me. I hope you enjoy my application, I hope you take it, keep it, edit it as your own (the writer in me would appreciate the credit:), but PLEASE feel free to use it. I (LORD WILLING), will never need it again.

I pray God's guidance over my decision, please know that your answers (if you would like to apply seriously) will be taken seriously, but my decision will also be based from my heart, what I think will be best for Baby Brawner and mainly from a lot of prayer. Godparent is no small task... I am trusting you with the life of my child, in hopes that in my lack of presence he is in good hands. I am trusting you to love him as I love him, care for him as I care for him and support him as I would support him. Ok, that's all that I can say of my expectation without letting you in on the answers to the application. (maybe even that's too much) *considers edit* Shrugs! what the hey!!! I hope no one assumed I was looking for someone to just put up with Baby Brawner and barely love him, family is MAJOR important to me! But, fill it out as you see fit, prepare to sit in front of a panel for interview in front of myself, Mr. Brawner(I refer to him as Mr. Brawner throughout the app because that is what I call him in real life), Jules, Kai and maybe a few other important family officials.

This will be serious, but so funny at the same time... please excuse my crazy! But it's how I get through life.

I wonder will the application post correctly here??? I can't figure a way to post my pdf as a clickable link... not so blog savvy am I?

You can be crazy and still have PEACE! I am living proof...

Love, Tam

Interested in viewing the Baby Brawner Godparent Application? Post your email and I will send it to you!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Maybe TMI and inappropriate, but...

urgh! kids and husbands... anyone who thinks they're missing out cause they don't have kids or a husband? Think again! I love my kids, and I love my husband and most days they feel like the biggest blessing in the world. Then there are those days when you wish you didn't have either. Both require you to have this huge amount of patience and maturity and SELFLESSNESS! Some days I just want to be selfish, impatient and immature... but NOOOO, I got people counting on me to responsible and loving. Some days I just want to think about ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sighs* and then when I do, the whole world falls apart.

I don't expect my 12 year old to be super sensitive to my current load. She's 12, and by nature, she's selfish. But my husband... yes, I expect that guy to understand I am carrying your baby around over here and this (I want to cuss him out) isn't easy! It is not about you for the next 4.5 months! Then it still won't be about you... deal with it! If only his love language was words of affirmation. I can handle that and still survive the day, but all this physical touch they both require... I just can't manage it right now (not without feeling over burdened and like I'm losing my mind). "All I can manage is a peck kiss, sir because my last meal doesn't feel very secure in there and I don't want to chance it. I don't want to cuddle while we sleep cause I am already super uncomfortable and all I really want is to hug this body pillow. It's tough to throw your tree trunk leg off of mine when you're sleeping, and no I'm not really excited about THAT either, but go ahead and do what you want, I'm going to keep my eyes closed and try to stay sleep"... LOL! It's real out here. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes I get over my issues and am a happy "camper" but not nearly as often as required of me, I suppose cause I got big baby over here questioning my commitment to him... Is me carrying your heavy child not commitment enough??? This was your friggin idea!

Am I the one with the problem? I need someone to tell me I'm wrong (if in fact I am wrong). Do I get to be a selfish pregnant woman and disregard their needs when it conflicts with what I need (not necessarily the 12 yr old's, but that husband of mine?)

I need answers people!

He stay tryna get a piece of my peace!!! (haha)

Love, Tam

Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle ruined it for us all... got these men running around thinking every moment needs to be about them. I love you, I cater and I serve and support but geesh! Give me a break for 9 months while I carry this load.

.... note they did not cover having your baby in this song!