Thursday, February 28, 2013

Apologies, Updates, and Christian Accountability

It's been forever... I'm sorry. I won't make any excuses. I apologize for being away so long. I have so many started and never completed posts, you can't even begin to imagine. One for my birthday, one for the new year, one about reflecting on life since "Becoming Mrs. Brawner" and one about Love and V-day... all started, none completed. I plan to change that today.

I don't really know where to start, so I'll just type until it becomes something. Right now, at this very moment, I am creating life in my womb. I am about 18 weeks into carrying Baby (they say boy, but I'll verify it after my next week sonogram) Brawner... Jesus be a fence! The last time I created life, was with Kai 12-13 years ago! That is just crazy! But what I'm realizing (although I am not-so-obviously trying to remain positive) is... I'm not built for this! My body doesn't like it and I am not one of those happy, cheesy, glowy, rub my belly pregnant people. I don't feel like I am wearing it well. I do not feel like myself and I definitely do not feel beautiful! (thank you Mr. Brawner for saying otherwise)... I'm just tired, "morning sickness" is not subject to just mornings and isn't secluding itself to the 1st trimester. Here I am, well into 2nd trimester, still puking at any moment... Yay me! (please note the sarcasm, I'd like to think it was obvious). But, alas, I am happily carrying my husband's baby. There is some joy there (as inapparent as it may seem) I am happy! I would be 1,000,000 times happier if it were anywhere near August 4th and I could evict Baby Brawner from my womb! But alas... it is one of those things that is out of my control and I will just have to endure it to the end! God be with me!

I would appreciate if it could be a smooth, easy pregnancy but that is not the case. Between weeks 16-24, I get to go to the doctor's every 2 weeks so they can do some invasive cervix surveillance and a sonogram. I like to consider the bright side in this. I get to hear Baby Brawner's heartbeat every 2 weeks AND see, what they say, is a baby via sonogram (that is how I know so soon that "he" is a "he", or so they say...) I don't want to get my hopes up only for them to be crushed (that seems harsh) with the info that they were wrong and that a girl (who I will love anyway) is really in there. Don't get me wrong, I love little girls, I wouldn't mind having a baby girl BUT that just means (thanks to the deal I signed with the dev... I mean the Mister), that I'd have to do this ALL OVER AGAIN (just to try for a boy) and "that's that ish I don't like". So knowing Jesus loves me, God willing... it really is a boy and I am done allowing my body to be invaded with creating lives! That is THE ONLY reason my prayers are so strongly for a boy. The Lord knows what I can handle.
Also today, I got a call from my Dr.'s office, first: telling me not to worry it isn't urgent, then proceeding to tell me that some tests I took earlier this week didn't necessarily come back negative (not really a strong positive) but not negative either. So along with the every 2 week cervix surveillance, they would also like to draw blood and monitor my "AFP" levels... I had to look that one up and I'm still slightly confused, but whatevs! The nurse talked on for about 15 minutes about all my options (second opinions, amniocentesis, a strange placenta) but then she went back to her first statement which was "to NOT worry" so that's what I'm gonna (try) to do! Then after talking (via IM) to my Amazing Jules and telling her I just need to "pray and not worry" she tells me:

"all life meant to draw you closer to your lord and savior! It's working" (excuse her IM nonpunctuations and capitalizations, but I wanted to quote her accurately) lol

And, she's right! (per usual). My 12 year old driving me up a wall, when my husband isn't his normally wonderful self, when work stops feeling like work and feels more like cotton picking slavery... I pray! I read scriptures, I turn on my "Jesus music" (not that inspirational Gospel tunes), real Jesus worship "I love You, I praise You, I need You, You are awesome" music. And it doesn't always make the situations different, but it ALWAYS changes my attitude and perspective on those situations. Every time life seems to be too much, too heavy, too overwhelming, too EVERYTHING... I cling to Him and His words, His promises, His reminders of what He's capable of and I find Peace! Perfect, Jesus Peace. He makes it better! So thank you Jules and Gigi for being my go-to's, my words of wisdom and strength and reminding me that my life is not perfect and that is just God reminding me that I need Him, to pray, and get closer to Him. Even when I already know what I need to do, you guys are there to remind me of just why...

all life is meant to draw you closer to your lord and savior! It's working... Yes, indeed it is! Is it working for you?
So keep me, my children (born and unborn) in your prayers please.

I have my peace, and I share it with you...

Love, Tam

Mr. Brawner sent me this one day... :)

do you spot Baby Brawner in the mountains?

no matter how much I complain, I am truly embracing the fact that I am creating a life in there... come on Baby Brawner