Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I am Woman, See Me Cry

Good Tuesday (after) Morning!

I have so much to say, but I don't know what to say... only that I want to say something. (Did that make sense?)
I've had a rough week (a REALLY ROUGH week), but I want to recover and feel grateful and smile... genuinely. How long do I get to feel how I feel? How long is allotted for wallowing and mourning? Am I just supposed to wake up one day and feel better? I don't think it works like that. I know there isn't a set time frame for sadness, I know all things heal in their own time... but can I get an estimate? "By Wednesday, December 14th at 3 p.m. EST, it'll all be good." Is that asking too much? I'm just being facetious. I know I cant plan a healing heart, but what I do know...
Life's circumstances are going to happen, that's a given. We can't control everything (anything really). But when life happens (and it will... guaranteed), the real test is in how we handle them. I want to be able to look back and see that I did not crumble. Life happened, and I handled it... with grace, hopefully. I got knocked down, but only for a second (ok, maybe a long minute) but not a lifetime. I didn't let my happenings control my happiness. Oh yes! I was definitely sad and I cried alot, but the tears have since been wiped and I am back in the game. I collected my composure, collected the hugs from my many loving supporters,  hugged myself, got the team into the huddle, gave them the game plan and... BREAK! Now here we are, back in the game and playing full force and #winning (much better than Charlie Sheen though). I did not give up and I am not a loser. I just had a moment where I got knocked down, but I was not out... never! I feel blessed in so many ways...

I often think back to just a few years ago. There was a time when I'd be sad or hurt and needed to cry, but I did it alone. I would feel by myself and cry by myself and no one would ever even know I was hurting. That only made the pain last longer. Oh GLORY, I am thankful that I can cry out loud! I can be sad and need a hug and let people see it and get exactly what I need to survive and recover. Just thinking about the sadness in that makes me want to cry now. So if you ever know that I am going through something, and yet you see me smiling and laughing and you wonder just how I am keeping it together... I am not. I only look like I have it together because I know God and all his many heavenly and earthly angels have my back. In my mind, I am fetal position, breaking down, crying and feeling like I'm dying. But my family and friends are beside me, behind me, around me holding me up and carrying me along and that is what you see. I hear Jules' everyday motivational voice and words of wisdom and strength, and it is her words of comfort that I am speaking to you and myself. It is my mom and her corny jokes and fun loving spirit that I am remembering allowing you and me a laugh although we are sad. It is J's strong and loving demeanor that is comforting me that I permeate to you even though I am borderline breaking down. It is Kai's refreshing, contagious smile that I am wearing even though I want to cry. It is Chelita's  "just knowing" friendship and presence that reminds me I always have someone I can call and talk to even when I don't know what it is I'm feeling or what I want to say, but whatever it is I know I can feel it and say it without fear of judgement. And... it is Nae's "Lord, we need you prayer" that I am repeating over and over to myself, because she offered it so genuinely, preciously and innocently right in the nick of time! So when you see me, just know that because God blessed me with all of these AMAZING people, I have JOY and will be okay. I know I can't do it all alone, so now I don't try to. I am a survivor but only because God is keeping me and placed just the right team around me to keep me in the game. And I am grateful!

Idk what to say from here... I am okay. I will be better than ok, I know it. I asked for it, it is already mine!
Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise

I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week, keep me in your prayers always. Someone help me think of a book to propose to book club... my mind is just not in decision making mode right now, but I do want to read and keep BYOB in full force. Until next time...

that's my PEACE!


  1. You r not alone...you made me cry because I understand ur pain because my pain is similar to yours...but its my pain I feel. I hold alot inside because other than my husband I have not one I think cares or understands me or they think I'm being too emotional....so I write in my journal it helps at times...keep me in ur prays and re: you are in mines! Looking forward to reading more of your blogs....until then enjoy ur work week....Quaina (kiwi)

  2. Aww, Kiwi! It really does feel good knowing someone is reading and relating... you will be in my prayers likewise. Just know, on those days when you think no one will care... I will, so call me! You are not alone, no one should be! And sometimes... those men just dont understand. Thanks for reading and stay up