Sometimes I just want to scream and give up. I feel so overwhelmed and unappreciated (at home and at work) and it's a frustrating and sad and... a huge headache. Speaking of headaches, I have been having some major ones lately (could this be to blame?) Stress is a direct factor to a number of physical ailments and I don't need that to be me. Hair falling out and losing sleep over other people's crazy, uh uh I don't think so! But... it's not getting easier or feeling better and I'm just tired of it. Whenever I feel this way, I just remind myself of a particular scripture:
Galations 6:9~ And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
This is my "reminder to self" scripture to stay in the fight, to keep up the good work... in due season, I will reap if I do not give up! Where is this due season? lol, but seriously... I feel over worked and it's not even underpaid... I feel under appreciated! I just want some gratitude for all I do. The dinner I cook isn't good enough, the hairstyle I give is a problem, the time I spend isn't enough... WTW? What am I doing it all for if in the end, no one is happy still?! I am wearing myself out, working my ASS off (excuse my French, but it's serious) just to hear more complaints and see ungrateful pouty attitudinal (so what if its a word) faces! It is driving me insane. And that's just at home... I have to go to work and baby a group of grown adults and clean up after them and put up with their high and mighty "do it my way" requests... no demands. And they can't muster up a thank you and then still complain and expect me to smile. Maybe if I was paid sufficiently, I'd feel ok about putting up with the BS but I don't even think that would be enough. I just want some gratitude. I don't want to be at work, and then to go home and get the same treatment... and I am peeved about it! Yet, still I smile and cook dinner and fix plates and buy groceries and kiss foreheads and listen to stories and play chauffeur and... everything! And get up to fix lunches and bid everyone well as they leave out "I love you have a good day" only to get a "bye..." (and not a cheerful one either). But still I am the bad guy, who is so mean and never does this and wont buy them that and, blah blah blah! How sweet do they want to to remain after their daily mistreatment? Maybe they don't realize I have feelings too. Am I alone in this? Am I the only mom/ employee out here who is feeling unappreciated? I don't need you to like me, I don't even need to hear "I love you". I just want a "thank you", a "we notice all you do and we appreciate you", I just want for them to give me a break and smile every once in a while so I know they don't think life is miserable because I'm their mom. Maybe if my own family acted more grateful, work wouldn't even matter. I could sit at my desk and think "it's ok, I'll be home soon and they appreciate me there", instead of dreading home just as much. When do I find some relief? That J? As sweet and as wonderful as he is... maybe I resent him more because he doesn't get this slack. He could burn dinner and they're like "thanks for making dinner" *rolls eyes* Really? Whatever! That's why I want to go on strike! I want to just see how they would survive if I didn't do all these things for them. How would they like it if there were no groceries and no attempt at dinner being made? "Ya'll work it out, I'm not making dinner tonight." Soon they'd run out of whatever's left in the house or get tired of oodles n' noodles and then what? hahahahaha! Could I do it? I know I could, but would it even matter? J would just buy them Chick-Fil-A and my whole point would be lost. Only one of us is gangsta! I'd let them starve, but then I remember "and let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up". I'm not supposed to give up. *SIGH* But how else are they going to get the hint God? "in due season Tamika..." *frowny face* That's not what I want to hear, but I also can't be blatantly disobedient... I know the scripture. I can't feign ignorance. I know better... but its so hard! I want to just go into my room, close the door (lock it) and see how they fend for themselves. Occupy... the kitchen counter! I should set up camp on the kitchen counter, Indian style and just watch and do NOTHING! lol, ok that's a bit dramatic, huh?
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up!
I'll just say this to myself over and over and pray and pray some more and wait for my "due season"... hopefully I'll reap positively and abundantly for all my good doings. Hopefully before my growing weary turns into pure insanity.
My "Peace of Tam" doesn't sound so "peaceful" today, I know but
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
God uses adversity to build our character, he is just working on me right now! So for now... no Occupy the Kitchen, but I'll keep you updated in case anything changes. :)
That's my peace?