Every once in a while, we all deserve to be a little crazy! I think I fulfilled my quota for a month's worth of crazy just in one day... yesterday! I don't think you all know how serious I was in my misery yesterday with my Occupy... the Kitchen post. But after spending the ENTIRE evening hiding in my room and that J giving me a loving, stern talking to... I feel a little better. As peaceful and refreshing as it was going on strike for an evening, I know I can't spend every evening "hiding" in my room. If only... maybe I should give myself a once a week break where nothing is my responsiblity, because (as much as I hate to admit it) I was happy in there. Grant it, that J came up and visited with me for a bit (he also bought them Chick-Fil-A like I knew he would)... AND (I apologize now if its seems cruel) but I did NOT miss those childrens' faces for the evening. I had absolutely no desire to step outside my space to check on them (sorry). But I am "on duty" 24 hours, 7 days a week. They even call me at work with their needs, requests, and demands. I go home, still on duty with homework, dinner, attitudes, and keeping them on task. So I think I have earned my one (just one) evening a week where I get to turn off, retreat... HIDE!
I have accepted this as life. I am not complaining (or am I?) about them, I'm just being real. I understand that they are children and are selfish by nature. They haven't completely grasped "the world does not revolve around me" attitude... they seriously think it does, I have learned. I am supposed to be at their beckon call, for their every desire and on their time... but I can't. And instead of trying to hide away and hope for better, in my "hide time" yesterday, I realized this:
God sees me, hears me, and understands all that I am dealing with. It doesn't always feel good, but if it did, when would I realize I needed Him? If it was always easy and if I knew I could always handle "those children" on my own, what would I have to call on Him for? I'd get lost in life, engagement, well behaved children and start thinking I've got it good! But now, I have to trust Him to work it out. I need to deal with this experience and them being extra difficult, so I don't get too proud thinking I've got it all under control. "Look at me, being super mom! ha!" God is like.. "NOT! You can't do it Tamika, watch! You'd go crazy if I didnt keep you sane. But if I make it a little tougher, you're gonna have to work on that patience you're always asking me to help you with. I'm making you stronger, giving you the opportunity to have to trust in me. You don't have to close yourself in the room, just ask me to hide you, cover you, keep you in your right mind." As I laid alone in my room "hiding", I had the time to reflect on my own behavior. I was relying on my own strength, knowing I'm weak. And had it all happened so easily and smooth (this blending of our families), I truly believe I'd be going around thinking I was Queen Bee Super Mom. God knows this about me and is tryna save me from myself and my own pride. He has to give it to me difficult sometimes, just to keep me in check! Reminding me I still need a LOT of work. So (this may sound crazy) but:Lord, if I'm not ready, don't let the rain go away. Hide me, I need you, remind me the only way my faith can grow is when you let your winds blow. So don't make it easy for me until I realize I need you to keep it together. These are some of the lyrics to one of my favorite Kirk Franklin songs...
Kirk Franklin~ Hide Me
I am going to survive. I hope my blog yesterday didn't frighten anyone. I AM losing it, but He promised not to put more on me than I can bear. I just need to remember to ask Him to help me bear it.
I have a date to see Happy Feet 2 with my favorite little crazy tonight and book club for Such A Pretty Face tomorrow afternoon. (Reminder: print out discussion questions)
Nae is hoping I take her to the mall (with a friend) tomorrow and the movies to see Twilight also that evening. Lord, keep me. I plan to have an abundantly fun weekend and hopefully I can fit some rest and quality time with my J too! I hope you all enjoy your weekend!
That's my peace (of mind)!