Thursday, July 28, 2011

Wedding? I'm not that girl... (viewer discretion advised)

Morning... I'm just gonna go ahead and get this "my dream wedding" business out the way. I haven't ever "dreamed" about the kind of wedding I want. I don't have a color scheme picked out, cake flavors, ideal dress, flowers, bridesmaids... nothing! Not to say I've never thought about being married because I have, but a wedding has never been in my dreams. I dream of being happily married and feeling loved and spending my life with someone. I am even trying to think right now how I would want it to go and I got nothing! I'm just not that girl! I'd be perfectly fine with someone just telling me when and where so I can make sure I look super beautiful and then I just show up and then it all go down. Is that crazy? I don't even feel the need to be in a wedding gown. I don't know. Maybe if I felt my self near that point I would feel different, but I don't think I will. Maybe cause I'm moody today, I feel the need to be uncooperative. Maybe we should discuss that!? What do you do when you're mad? How do you respond when something is bothering you? Do you flight (withdraw) or fight (confront)?

Well me... I used to be all flight. For about 2 years I was in an abusive relationship (longer if I count the emotional and verbal abuse). I never got to feel mad or upset or sad. I had to be ok always. If something was bothering me, there was no confrontation. The potential consequences just didn't seem worth the effort to explain why I was upset. I mostly would end up getting a "you're mad? I'll show you mad!" response. Why risk that? Eventually this behavior would spread to everyone in my life. I would go inward and hold it all in and just be mad and people maybe not even ever know I was ever upset, the anxiety would build and eventually I would completely shut down... that was unhealthy for me. I never expressed my emotions, always Even Stevens even when I was boiling mad (on the inside). It wasn't an easy thing to do and I think the emotional stress it caused contributed to my physical anxiety. I always felt tired and overwhelmed and drained. It took one time for me to tell someone how I was feeling and what was going on with me. Scared, hurt, alone, afraid, overwhelmed, sad... I AM NOT OK! I finally told someone I was not ok and "magically" it all changed.  I went from living with a crazy person to one day this crazy person deciding (inexplicably) to leave. Now you know nothing is ever inexplicable... (I will try to avoid my scripture rant today, but I know where MY HELP comes from *insert praise dance here*) But after that day, my mind clicked... this is what happens when you tell someone what you're feeling? This is how it feels to not carry your burdens and problems by yourself? I don't have to feel overwhelmed and stressed out all by myself? If I tell someone how I'm really feeling, then freedom from those feelings can happen? Are you kidding me? When I'm mad, sad, hurt, scared I should just tell someone and it can get fixed? If I cant fix it, someone else maybe can? Finally I can release and feel what I feel and be mad when I'm mad, sad when I'm sad, and even more importantly happy when I'm happy. No one should have told me that secret cause it turned me into a "tell em why you mad" kinda girl (all fight!). I'm completely vocal about my every concern, issue and annoyance. Ok, maybe not EVERY but I'm not holding in things that should be spoken on. It feels good to get things off my chest. Maybe I'm overboard with it right now, but give me a minute... this is my therapy. Poor J guy... he has to hear it all. Ya'll pray for him for me please. I am a mess, but I refuse to hold in another emotion another day of my life... I refuse! Don't get me wrong, I'm not naggy and excessive (I don't think). I just feel how I feel and I want you to know about it! It's justified. :)

This is not where I intended for today to go, trust me. It was NOT comfortable, I spent a lot of this time figuring how I was going to talk about it without actually talking about it... but I refuse to live in shame. (I feel the need to plug my book club here (BYOB, whoop whoop!) we recently read a book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): The Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power by Brene Brown.  This book talks about shame and overcoming it.) Shame is not an option for me. This is what I lived through and I am free now and maybe someone needed to hear about it.
I feel the need to add one of those "if you or someone you know" messages about domestic violence... but here's one better: www. Domestic Violence:The Facts

Today I want to add a special shout out to my mom (Gigi) for loving me, hearing me, and helping me... Thanks Gigi for being a crazy light skinned woman who helped fix what I couldn't fix and being there to fight the battle. (oh no now I'm gonna cry *tear*)

This was way more of a PEACE of Tam than I expected to share, but it is the reason this "piece" is peace... get  it? :) Happy Thursday!


  1. this kinda put the whole wedding thing into perspective for me. Maybe this is why I feel it is the least important factor. I am more concerned about the husband I choose, than the details of a wedding. Plus, I just plan to let Chelita handle it... she is "that girl" (and I say that in the nicest possible way).

  2. I finnally read it yay

  3. I love you and I am so proud of you. That was awesome Tam*...thank you for your transparency

  4. This is my first time reading your blog (even tho I wanted phone just isnt smart). I am soooooooo proud of you! Im sittin in front of Barnes & Noble and Im about to burst out in tears. So many emotions but mainly love. Tamika Renee Keys - YOU ARE THE BESTEST!!!!!

  5. :) thanks for reading Spangie and Gigi!