Monday, September 26, 2011

The Best Bite

Hey guys! I'm back, did you miss me? I played a little game called hookie from my blog... NEVER! Forreals I just was NOT at work and so I didn't get in front of a computer these last few days. I missed you though.
I feel like much hasn't been going on so I don't have much to cover. I feel good right now although I should be sleepy as heck. I have a TV date tonight with my J to watch Two and A Half Men... now this isn't my show or anything, it's his. But the quality time with him is PRICELESS so I'll watch (almost) anything if it's with him. I have come to appreciate the show after many a hours it was forced upon me. Plus, the shows that surround it are pretty decent, so I am willing to compromise. He indulges some of the crap tv I choose to watch, so its all give and take! And I think (hope) I've been doing pretty good at this whole give and take thing. I'll make it a point to ask J about it. I know for a while, I was solely "my way or no way" or at least "my way or you'll never hear the end of it if I have to do it your way". To sum it up in one word... DIFFICULT! Often times, I am intentionally difficult. Why? I have no idea. LOL. But whateverthecase... I know I am often purposefully hard on people. Am I testing them? their commitment to me? their boundaries? I really don't know. This is going to require some self reflection. But I am aware that I do it. I feel like it was because the guards were still up. "I'm only gonna give you this much and if you want more, you're going to have to sacrifice alot and put up with this". Thankfully, I didn't run a whole slew of folk off and I have a special bunch of people in my life that love me and are consistent in spite of me, UNCONDITIONAL. But all it does is make me love them all that much more and when I finally do come to my senses, I want to give them all of my all! Like you rode the storm with me and you're still here, loving me? Oh! Then, I'll share my last sandwich with you AND you can bite the middle! (NOW you KNOW that's the best part... the perfect bite). That's how I feel about the folk that stick it out with me. They deserve that bite and I am more than willing. Yesterday, Kai asked for a bite of the ham sandwich J made for me... it had lettuce and pickle and mustard and a little mayo. I let her bite the end and after she finished that bite, she asked "can I have that bite right there?" And yes you guessed it, it was smack in the middle. It was sandwich perfection. I was hungry too... MAN! But of course, I let her have it. I glared at her with the side eye but she got it. I think she's testing me sometimes... she doesn't even like mayo (that's an understatement... she cringes at the sight of mayo). So why did she want my perfect bite...? testing me! She is just like her mama :) what can I say?
But anywhoozle... lately, I have been deliberate in my attempt at compromise, releasing control, affective give and take, letting someone else be the boss... it's tough #trust. I've been steering this ship for a minute on my own. Even in other relationships, even when folk thought they had complete control, I still found a way to do exactly what I wanted even if it meant mental manipulation. I could make you think I was doing exactly what you wanted. And also have you doing what I wanted and thinking it was what you wanted. It's a scary power and I was not using it wisely. I don't want that anymore. I want this open, honest, trusting thing I have with J. Idk if he knows how much I appreciate him. His patience is amazing, it would have to be to deal with me. Because honestly, I am CRAZY and if it were not for God's grace, I should be/would be strapped down somewhere on serious watch (padded walls and all). But I'm not and because I have this opportunity at life and love, I'm tryna do it well... full and free! And being Mr. Awesome, he gladly permits it. Although lately, he does suggest that I should be put in a box. I can't help that I'm pretty awesome, don't try and keep me boxed and hidden. Let me out and appreciate that you got me! no worries, hakuna matata!
So, I am going to keep letting these walls fall. Or better yet... J is going to keep up his Joshua hustle and patiently wait as God collapses these Jericho walls. Blow that trumpet and march J! lol

Kai is try to finagle a new phone out of me... she texted me earlier talking about "Mommy my phone is acting incompitent"... she spelled it a little wrong, but I think its cute her use of that word. So special she is. Also, over the weekend, she was online googling stuff. She decided my name would be fun to google and she came to me talking about "mommy, they have all your information. Where you used to live, your old phone number, everything." That's creepy. Then, she googled her own name and of course it came up that I mentioned her in my blog Joy In Spite Of haha. "mommy, did you blog about me?" lol, good thing I said nice things. That is the last time I say her full name in the blog! The internet is something else! Be careful.

Did I make any sense today? Felt like I went off on a serious tangent... Welp! It's been awhile, I'll get it back tight!

Enjoy the rest of your work week... Live it FULL AND FREE! That's my peace

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