Today just so happens to be my dating anniversary with Mr. Brawner and I have been doing some major reminiscing. I have always been the kinda person that journals my thoughts, writes down things I want to remember, saves letters I write to people on my computer... so whenever I need to self reflect, go back, reminisce or check myself, I have written confirmation for however I was feeling.
Dating Jerry seemed to come from nowhere, he fell out the sky, I truly did not see it coming. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship, I was semi seeing someone else who I didn't even like but he was the opposite of the bad relationship I had just come out of (just a different kind of crazy) and I was focusing on getting Tamika together. I was, more than anything, focusing on my relationship with God. I was determined to stay away from men and their evils, foolishness and games and concentrate on healing my very broken, needle pinned, and tarnished heart. I was not looking to get into a relationship! I needed major recovery. I was not myself and honestly, I didn't even know who "myself" was. Spending years conforming to what someone demanded me to be, then coming out of it and pretending to be a whole person, to put it simply... I was A MESS, a HOT MESS! I had come out of one crazy relationship, only to jump into another one that was just as crazy (we'll call him LR for the sake of story telling). LR was special needs, part retarded, a walking train wreck, and was worse off than me. And that's what I was attracted to... he was worse off than me, he needed bullying and he would do what I said. I became the abuser. I never liked him, yet instead of being controlled, for once I was the controller! If he even resembled pushing back, I'd bite! No one was ever going to take advantage of me again. I was never going to be weak, I was never going to submit or follow, I was never going to let anyone else hurt me again ever. Nope! This time I would be the one causing all the pain. I manipulated and I used my painful past as leverage to get my way. And when that stopped working, I'd soften back up, cry and be sweet to be in control again. Oh the circle continued! Eventually, when I snapped out of that crazy circle of madness, worked on getting back to a place that resembled normalcy, trusting God to be my source instead of the comfort of some man and then... along comes Jerry. Nope! He is just a trick of the devil. Flee from me! lol (but forreals). I'd written a letter in April 2010 dismissing LR from a place in my heart. He was torn between me and the mother of his children and I had to set his crazy free. In the letter I wrote...
I stopped avoiding him as much, we went out a lot (the timing for my getting it together was perfect because Kai would be away during the summer)! He cooked for me, we Netflixed and watched The Wire together, he let me be crazy as much as I needed, he watched me do a lot of crying and healing, he wrote me poems and raps, we'd write down conversations in a notebook when we were sitting right next to each other, and over anything else.. he respected my desire to be celibate (I must honestly admit that did not last until wedding day, but he never pressured it). We talked about EVERYTHING! We agreed, we disagreed, we'd argue, I'd leave, he'd be waiting... I was still crazy, he was still patient. He became my best friend. There was nothing I couldn't tell him. I'd divulge my ugly past, he'd hug me with no judgments He... loved me! And to me, his love and patience and tolerance was made for me. Like God designed him to be what I needed, because otherwise I can't even begin to explain how one human being could have dealt with what I was going through in the way he did. He never wavered. He was a literal Godsend. I joke that "he is the Joshua to the Jericho walls of my heart". The route to conquer that kingdom to someone watching would have made no sense, anyone else would have thought the process was ludicrous and given up before the victory. As for me, I was oblivious to my walls being about to come down. He just kept on marching, until one day... the walls crumbled. One day, I just KNEW I didn't want to be without that man. I can't keep this crazy girl going trying to test his boundaries, attempting to push him away, seeing how much he'll take before he gives up. I have to wonder if he ever would have. But I am convinced only a man sent by God would have had the instructions to conquer my heart because I fought it with everything in me....
But today, I am thankful for the risk... although not much risk was involved on my part. It was strategic and crucially prayed over again and again. I guess by September/October 2010, I had come to my senses and let him claim me officially. But on May 13, 2010.... the great risk began and I have felt the reward from it everyday since. I guess he was the one doing all the risking. Truth be told, to this day, I am still the practical one. Lucky for him, he found me to rationalize all these risks he wants to take. As we can see... He is the crazy one, not me! But I love him so.
Great risk = Great reward... those few words are what sparked a lifetime of happiness.
That's my peace! Love, Tam
|September 2010... this is when I knew!|
|New Year's, Jan 2012... engaged and headed to the altar|
|The Big Day! June 3rd 2012|