Monday, May 13, 2013

Great Risk = Great Reward

Good morning and Happy Monday!!!

Today just so happens to be my dating anniversary with Mr. Brawner and I have been doing some major reminiscing. I have always been the kinda person that journals my thoughts, writes down things I want to remember, saves letters I write to people on my computer... so whenever I need to self reflect, go back, reminisce or check myself, I have written confirmation for however I was feeling.
Dating Jerry seemed to come from nowhere, he fell out the sky, I truly did not see it coming. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship, I was semi seeing someone else who I didn't even like but he was the opposite of the bad relationship I had just come out of (just a different kind of crazy) and I was focusing on getting Tamika together. I was, more than anything, focusing on my relationship with God. I was determined to stay away from men and their evils, foolishness and games and concentrate on healing my very broken, needle pinned, and tarnished heart. I was not looking to get into a relationship! I needed major recovery. I was not myself and honestly, I didn't even know who "myself" was. Spending years conforming to what someone demanded me to be, then coming out of it and pretending to be a whole person, to put it simply... I was A MESS, a HOT MESS! I had come out of one crazy relationship, only to jump into another one that was just as crazy (we'll call him LR for the sake of story telling). LR was special needs, part retarded, a walking train wreck, and was worse off than me. And that's what I was attracted to... he was worse off than me, he needed bullying and he would do what I said. I became the abuser. I never liked him, yet instead of being controlled, for once I was the controller! If he even resembled pushing back, I'd bite! No one was ever going to take advantage of me again. I was never going to be weak, I was never going to submit or follow, I was never going to let anyone else hurt me again ever. Nope! This time I would be the one causing all the pain. I manipulated and I used my painful past as leverage to get my way. And when that stopped working, I'd soften back up, cry and be sweet to be in control again. Oh the circle continued! Eventually, when I snapped out of that crazy circle of madness, worked on getting back to a place that resembled normalcy, trusting God to be my source instead of the comfort of some man and then... along comes Jerry. Nope! He is just a trick of the devil. Flee from me! lol (but forreals). I'd written a letter in April 2010 dismissing LR from a place in my heart. He was torn between me and the mother of his children and I had to set his crazy free. In the letter I wrote...

"you don’t know what you want to do, and that’s my answer right there. Because the man God has for me knows it... that man, nothing would keep him from me. The man God has for me isn't going to compare me to some other woman. That man is gonna accept me as I am flaws and all. That man will come when I am ready and capable of loving someone correctly and won’t leave me just because I mess up. That man is out there and I am going to wait until God sends him. I deserve that I think, I just gotta stop trying to make it happen on my own and rely on God."

So a month later Jerry talking some "I want you to be my girl friend and great risk = great reward" was not something I was looking to hear at the time. I allowed him to be my friend. I minimally indulged his advances and avoided him at the same time. He was a "nice guy", but I don't trust those types. All guys are nice guys at first and the nicer they are the more I don't trust em! I can pretend to be normal too... Except, for once, I couldn't. I was literally crazy (Mr. Brawner likes to remind me of my nutty from then often and acts like I'm still just as crazy now.. but I refuse to accept it! But, I digress...) I would avoid him for a week, he would be patient and just text me to say hello or check on me. He would ask to see me. I would have an excuse and shut him down, then avoid him a little more. I would have some super free time and his quiet demeanor was inviting, so when he asked me out again I would accept. We would hang out, he would be amazing and patient and giving and comforting and... everything. And I still wouldn't trust it. I would avoid him some more, then give in to a date and he would be wonderful all over again, listen to my crazy, allow me to cry, hold me, cook me food, be patient and understanding, then I'd avoid him again. Over and over again I would tell him, "I'm not ready for this! I'm not in my right mind, it's not fair to you for me to be so crazy. I need to get over my issues before I can be there for someone else." And he'd respond with the same patience and understanding; pretty much tell me crazy people need friends too, remind me that he isn't perfect either and tell me he doesn't need me to take care of him, he was trying to take care of me. I didn't trust him! lol... but honestly, truly... time with him felt good, "this is like a vacation, I need to get back to my real life soon." 
Him: I don't want to be a vacation, vacations don't last. This is life with Jerry. 
I stopped avoiding him as much, we went out a lot (the timing for my getting it together was perfect because Kai would be away during the summer)! He cooked for me, we Netflixed and watched The Wire together, he let me be crazy as much as I needed, he watched me do a lot of crying and healing, he wrote me poems and raps, we'd write down conversations in a notebook when we were sitting right next to each other, and over anything else.. he respected my desire to be celibate (I must honestly admit that did not last until wedding day, but he never pressured it). We talked about EVERYTHING! We agreed, we disagreed, we'd argue, I'd leave, he'd be waiting... I was still crazy, he was still patient. He became my best friend. There was nothing I couldn't tell him. I'd divulge my ugly past, he'd hug me with no judgments  He... loved me! And to me, his love and patience and tolerance was made for me. Like God designed him to be what I needed, because otherwise I can't even begin to explain how one human being could have dealt with what I was going through in the way he did. He never wavered. He was a literal Godsend. I joke that "he is the Joshua to the Jericho walls of my heart". The route to conquer that kingdom to someone watching would have made no sense, anyone else would have thought the process was ludicrous and given up before the victory. As for me, I was oblivious to my walls being about to come down. He just kept on marching, until one day... the walls crumbled. One day, I just KNEW I didn't want to be without that man. I can't keep this crazy girl going trying to test his boundaries, attempting to push him away, seeing how much he'll take before he gives up. I have to wonder if he ever would have. But I am convinced only a man sent by God would have had the instructions to conquer my heart because I fought it with everything in me....

But today, I am thankful for the risk... although not much risk was involved on my part. It was strategic and crucially prayed over again and again. I guess by September/October 2010, I had come to my senses and let him claim me officially. But on May 13, 2010.... the great risk began and I have felt the reward from it everyday since. I guess he was the one doing all the risking. Truth be told, to this day, I am still the practical one. Lucky for him, he found me to rationalize all these risks he wants to take. As we can see... He is the crazy one, not me! But I love him so.

Great risk = Great reward... those few words are what sparked a lifetime of happiness.

That's my peace! Love, Tam

September 2010... this is when I knew! 
December 2010

November 2011, the  engagement!  
New Year's, Jan 2012... engaged and headed to the altar
The Big Day! June 3rd 2012

No comments:

Post a Comment