I am having a really roller coaster day, *sings* Vivian Green's "Emotional Rollercoaster". I've cried, I recovered, I've laughed... I was having an email conversation with my brother and it had me thinking...
How could you?
Our conversation had me thinking about someone and it made me realize the expectations that were still going unmet from this person. Then it had me thinking "How could they?" I found myself at a disconnect. If I were that person, and I was in there situation... I just can't imagine how they thought process and handle situations. If I were you and I was in your situation, I would not be able to function. How do you live? with yourself? with your thoughts? with the lack of connection? Are you human? Where is your heart? your soul? What kind of man are you? How? ...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
A stream of not understanding.
"I am not that person!" I know. Maybe I should be searching myself for some compassion, maybe if I walked a day in their shoes I would understand. Maybe, but I doubt it. And even in thinking all this, it still doesn't take away the expectation. (I feel like I am not making sense here Am I? But maybe this is just for me to get off my chest).
But what can I say? I just need to drop the expectation from this person. Realize they are who they are, they are the one losing, not me. I am doing what I am supposed to do. I tried. I can't try for them too. I just have to accept, move on, and pray for them along the way. I don't think I'm angry with them, it's more of a numbness. A detachment, but still a wondering. It's sad. But it's life. I will work on releasing the expectation as best I can. I think it is my nature to connect with people and share in their life, and I don't understand anything other than that. I love my family so much, I will just choose to be thankful for them. My cup is overflowing anyway.
There is a bigger cup whenever you are ready to pour into it... but for now I'll just keep this smaller cup so that it stays full. I won't get a bigger cup yet just to leave myself with this unfulfilled space. So for now, I won't expect more and keep the bigger cup in storage or somewhere out of sight, out of mind.
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