Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Time for Tam?

well ok! I'm here... kinda with my tail between my legs. I feel like I've neglected you guys, please don't take it personally. But with work and life, well... I've just been feeling overwhelmed and emotional. I like to blog real life, but I don't like to sound like I'm whining. So when I feel like I'm not going to speak positively, I'd prefer to just retreat. Flight or fight? What you gonna do? Clearly, I was flight this last week or two. Forgive me? I hope so. :)

So, what should we cover? I feel like there should be a lot since it's been awhile, but realistically, it's the same old same old! I posted a few pics of Girls Night In! (check em out!). We really did have a good time, so much so, there will definitely be another... I'm thinking for my birthday maybe. Yea? YEA!

Right now, I'm wearing my hair straightened (as you can see from the GN in pics). I straightened it to get it trimmed, but do you think I've gotten around to that yet? No! Of course I haven't. I don't feel like I've been getting enough Tamika time. Remember that last time when I was (crazy) alone? Well, that was probably the last time. Don't get me wrong... I love my peeps! Each and every last one of them, but... I feel so obligated to be all to everyone that when I finally get a little down time, I feel like I need to be doing something for/with someone. Not so much the J, he'd probably be glad to get rid of me for a few hours a day... (we actually spent all of Saturday separate, and I think he got a little too cozy with it! lol, never wanted to come back home). J sneaking off makes for perfect "just us girls" time with Kai and Nae. And they cherish that, I'm sure. We have a good time no matter what we do. If I finally get them to give me a break (which seems impossible), I done worn myself out already or I'm planning groceries or dinner or... (realistically) too tired to figure anything out other than if I want to nap on the couch or in bed??? Hmmm, toughie! I can always make for Tam time, but then I feel like I'm neglecting someone. If they see me about to walk out the door, I get a "where are you going? Can I come?" Then one voice turns to 2 to 3 to 4... AHHHHHHH!!! "Sure come on!" or else I look like a meanie. I figure I'm always up super early, even on Saturday.. maybe I should take that time for myself. But then just last week, Kai asked if we can reinstate date day and I can't see that working on a weekday evening anymore, so when did I tell her? You guessed it! Saturday morning... she too is an early riser. There that went! And what about Nae? When she found out Kai was gonna get Saturday morning alone time, guess what? All of a sudden the girl who is never up before noon on  a Saturday suggests we wake her and she come with! There that went double time! I just want to scream sometimes... THERE'S ONLY ONE OF ME!!!!! I just don't know how to please them all, all the time. It's impossible. This mothering thing was supposed to get easier... it doesn't. They get older, moodier, needier. Diapers and crying was the easy part. They can clean their own butts now but guess what (again)? The crying doesn't end. Only now, it makes you sadder cause they know how to use their words but still feel the need to cry. That's hard to see. The little (yet growing and getting older) people that you love and spend every moment, breath, choice in life trying to please are still sad. And it's not that they're ungrateful (mostly). It's that I'm never going to be enough to fill every void they feel, but I have to teach them to handle their hurts and disappointments because... that's life. It doesn't get easier... and knowing this, still, I feel like I'm failing sometimes. Like I should be doing more, like I'm not making the right choices for them. I know I'm not perfect and that a lot of my choices will affect them (hopefully not scar them) for life, but I want to know I'm doing everything in my power to make it (this life thing) an easy path for them. Maybe I'm the one expecting too much from myself. I am only one person...  I can't carry it alone, am I trying to though? Or do I feel like this portion is what God has given me to handle. He'll never put more on me than I can bear, right? Maybe I need to evaluate just how much I'm putting on myself. I could be, quite possibly, free willfully putting too much on myself. Imagine that! Well, I am going to call a time out sometime soon, be ready! And I pray you all (they all)  understand... it's necessary for my sanity. Nobody likes a crazy Tamika, #trust! It is NOT a good look.

On to happier things (idk how I even got there, all I want is to find time to get my hair trimmed, amongst other things. LOL) But anywhoozle, my hair is straight. Of course the J is loving it... smh. MEN! to his credit, it is actually an easier process to maintain. I have not completely given up on being fabulously natural, just think I may put it on pause for a while.. maybe for the winter. There's no humidity threatening the straightness and this cold air is going to make for one dry scalp, that I can handle better with straight hair. I am NOT a quitter people, I just can make this hair work well in the winter and I have to consider giving the J what he likes at least part of the year. And my birthday is coming... want to keep him happy and stay on his best side! A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!
What else? Thanksgiving is around the corner... as much as I love Christmas and my birthday, I must say... Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! (if only my favorite J girl wasn't planning to be away for it, I guess...) Anyways, I am overjoyed AND I get to host it this year... whoop whoop! This is going to be awesome!

What else? Gigi FINALLY got around to finishing my scarf :) As much as I tease Gigi about her "grandmotherly" crocheting, I have to admit I am proud of her and appreciate getting to reap the benefits of her finished products! Thanks Gigi for my awesome scarfy thing!!! It's getting cold out there and it is perfect!
You want one? Holla at my Gigi! She'll hook you up! She says, "maybe I could get around to making scarves for other people if I wasn't always working on something for you guys" (you guys being me, Kai, Nae and every one else in the fam putting our request in for a free scarf, arm warmers and everything else...) I'd like a hat next! j/k... but really! LOL

Ok, dont want to overwhelm you guys with my attempt at catching up on lost time. But I really have missed you. Don't be away so long next time, ok? Ok, it was me!

Love ya,

my Winter straight hair and my new Gigi scarf!
That's my peace...

p.s. took everything in me not to post Lil Kim- Jump off song just for the first verse... "I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back..." sans the whole "jump off" part! LOL :)

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