Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Better: Day 5

Good afternoon,

I think moving forward, the posts will no longer be named "A Better Daughter...". Yes, she is currently my focus and I will still include her daily morning text message. But in the process of building a better daughter, I am also becoming a better person, mother and (it doesn't feel like it currently but) a better wife as well. Yes, she is difficult sometimes (often). Yes, she drives me crazy (a lot), but this daily text is not taking away from me at all. It's the easy part, much easier than all the talking and fussing I was doing with her. She's not doing that much different... not to say she isn't being better (she for sure is), but I am also getting to spend time with God, driving away demons, growing more patient, having the strength to cope with her moments! She is not the total of what's changing, all of these things are different just because of the choice I made to be a better mom, a better Christian woman. So I don't want to keep putting all the fault on her and her actions. She is not to blame... she is just 12, yes responsible for her actions but not to blame for what she is dealing with and going through. It is my job to teach her how to handle her stresses, insecurities, temptations, moods... and I can only do that with the help of Jesus. Idk what I'm going to name these daily posts from now on, but no longer will they be A Better Daughter, so much more is going on to create this situation.

I'm sure it was not easy to go from an only child, to sharing what she feels is "hers" with Nae, and then with her mom's new husband and becoming a step sister to 3 other children, and then to her mom having a new baby on the way too. I can only imagine! To deal with feeling displaced at home, then to include the traumatic experience that is middle school! It's the worse! We all had to go through it, and it was not easy. So to have to confront all these things at the same time, and be expected to know how to handle it all... what was I thinking? I understand now. And not to let her off the hook for her behavior, she is still responsible for it. But it is my responsibility to help her navigate through it and I think maybe I was just expecting more from her. Way too much for her to live up to without the proper guidance, instruction and tools. She doesn't need to be a better daughter... she is already a good girl, just a little lost. She needs me to be a better mom, one that can empathize with what she's feeling. One that... (so many things I can't word)
 I don't know what brought this revelation. Definitely my time in prayer, and then having to deal with my own out of whack hormones. I have not been being myself either. I've said things I didn't mean, then realize it after I've already done the damage that it wasn't the best way to say something or handle a situation. I've been less understanding of what others are feeling, then after the fact think... "why am I being so insensitive? Who am I? Where did that come from?" Then I have to go back, apologize, explain that it isn't how I'm feeling, it's just what I said because it was how my emotions felt at the time (if that makes sense) but I know it was wrong. And hope that person understands that I am hormonal and pray they forgive me quickly (it doesn't always happen that way). Inside I am thinking... "I wish they could just understand how I feel!" All my emotions feel uncontrollable, but they are all just circumstantial...
I can now imagine how she feels. Not to excuse her actions or mine... but it isn't something that can or will be fixed if someone is just pointing out my every hormonal mistake, fussing at me, or not trying to understand how I am feeling (no matter how absurd it seems). Only difference is, I'm 30. I know the importance of relationships, and apologizing and seeing the errors in my attitude and words. I know how to voice my feelings calmly even when I feel anger and disappointment.  12? I was selfish and probably felt and anger or a hurt that I didn't know how to express. I sometimes (especially today) wish I could be selfish all the time. I wish I could get my way and yell at the people who I feel deserve it. I wish I didn't have to be pleasant and understanding of how others may feel and the choices they make when they don't work out in my favor. But... I'm not 12, I now know better and it is my responsibility to do better. And you want to think that at 12, they know better... but they don't. They haven't learned life lessons yet to make them even come close to understanding that they are not the center of the world. But through Christ Jesus, we can little by little teach them. But that, too, is our responsibility.
Maybe this super hard, super emotional and super stressful pregnancy is just God's way of helping me feel a little of what my sweet 12 year old is feeling. I am equipped with the tools to handle it (most days), now let me be about my mom business and get to equipping her!

...choices, The Lord sees
them. Bad choices will
lead you into trouble. I
love you, I trust you will
make good choices today!
Good morning my little
I thank God for Him showing me the error in my own ways. I pray that I will continue to grow to be an example to her by making better choices as well. I'd hate for my "lack of discipline" to lead me astray. I can see the Better on it's way! I trust that each of you will keep my family in your prayers in the meantime. :)

That's my peace!

Love, Tam

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