Monday, January 23, 2012

Am I Willing?

I want to be able to have warm and fuzzy feelings about you. I want to be able to say nice things and think fondly of you. I want to release the issues of the past, and consider making new, happier memories in the future, but... you are a piece of work (to put it nicely). And no matter how hard I think I'm trying, it always seems like a lost cause. You are more harmful than helpful, more stressful than peaceful, and much more crazy than I am willing to handle. Although I am trying to sympathize with how you may be affected by your own life issues, I struggle to release you of the responsibility of your actions and how they are affecting me. Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I should understand just exactly how you feel and what you've had to endure. But truth is... I don't! I feel justified in my disdain, I feel warranted in my expectation. Honestly, I don't expect any great achievements or quality attributes. I just expect you not to hurt me. I just want you to care about my welfare. Is that too much? It doesn't seem like a ridiculous request... just desire to protect me and want me to feel safe. I shouldn't ever feel insecure or harmed when I am around you. But it happens, and too regularly.
My first thought... if there was someone in your life that made you feel this way, then they should not be in your life. But it isn't someone who can be so easily discarded (without conscience). And will that be Christian-like? I guess my obligation as a Christian is to forgive that person (I'm not even sure I've completely worked that one out yet), not to subject myself to their toxicity. But maybe forgiveness would be easier for me if the offenses weren't recurring. Forgiveness would be easier, if I felt they were ever sorry. Forgiveness would be easier if ever they owned up to their behavior and offered an explanation, an apology, a hope of change. I need to put them on a pre-forgiveness plan. "I know you are going to offend me when I see you, so let me prepare myself to forgive you ahead of time." That actually sounds like a possible effective plan... or maybe I should lower my expectation. "I know you are going to offend me, so let me just prepare myself to expect it and brush it off. It's you and apparently you cant help it." Then, whatever happens, I would have either already anticipated it or it would be a step up from what I expected... win win? The question is, am I willing? Am I willing to put myself in that position again knowing just what I'm getting? Am I willing to forgive them in the event I get harmed again? Am I willing to love them, in spite of them?
God does this for me everyday. I am sure I don't deserve the love He gives me. I am certain He has expectations for me that I don't meet. I am positive everyday I do something to disappoint and cause Him pain and yet, He still loves me. It will not be easy, but God never promised it would be. Through God, I am capable... but am I willing? I need to seriously pray on this. Pray for me!

That's my peace! Love, Tam


  1. Wow! That's how u feel huh. Guess I need to change then