hey guys! I hope everyone enjoyed their long weekend... (if you actually had one). As for me, I had a pretty decent weekend. I did take some time to go to the movies with Kai (thanks MissKi for the props! Actually felt like I was being held accountable for my blogging decisions... haha). And it wasn't that difficult sitting through Alvin & the Chipmunks, although I think I would have preferred to go see We Bought A Zoo (I think). But whateverthecase, we had a good time and hopefully she was happy.
Also, I went to try on wedding dresses with my mom and sisters this weekend. Idk how I feel/felt. It was a nice experience and it made me even more excited to get married, but it also put into perspective how I still feel about my body (which is currently not good). But I'm working on it and praying over it, and right now that's all I can do. Reality? this process is stressing the heck out of me and I'm just not having the fun I think I should be having. It's overwhelming and as soon as J says the word, I'm gonna quit and start figuring out where we can elope. I don't think he understands just how frustrated I am with this... of course he doesn't, but maybe I can get his mom to call him one more time. Last time she called him discussing wedding issues, he looked like he was about to lose it. And that was just one conversation. Maybe if he gets another dose of it, he'll begin to see how I am feeling with all this wedding gibberish... but until then, back to the grind of it. I'll try this wedding dress thing again on Thursday evening... fun fun (?)
What else? I really wasn't planning to discuss my wedding disdain, but it's real heavy on my mind so I couldn't dance around it. Another thing I haven't been able to shake... disrespectful women! Actually one in particular. I won't give any details suggesting who this one particular woman is, it doesn't matter. But what I want to say is firstly, kudos to me for being a grown up and secondly, lucky for her I am a grown up... but oooh Lordy!!!! I am by nature a loving person (haha, that even sounded funny to me). But really, I am not out looking for foolishness. I am an adult, I pick my battles, I try to remain calm in un-calm situations. I do not go around starting fights, basically. But I also am NOT a sucka. There are plenty of people who didn't like me growing up I am certain, but unless I felt threatened or needed to defend myself, I don't see why fighting about that would ever be necessary. "So what you don't like me? So what you over there glaring and giving me dirty looks? Am I supposed to feel shaken by that? I don't. I think you are hilarious, but I appreciate your flattery WOMAN I DON'T KNOW!" All the while I am wondering how and why this person (based off little to no contact or conversation) could possibly dislike me, but in reality not caring. Sm (cute little)h... haha! Women... and I use this term lightly, are crazy. But... when all that minimal "non mf factor" hating turns into some blatant, I want you to know I don't like you disrespect, I have to admit I have a problem. I am still wondering "why"? but on another level (if I am honest) I am plotting to punch this "woman" in the face. Seriously this "woman" took it upon herself to stand in my space and position herself to move me out the way (*chuckling*, because even at this moment it is humorous). And that is exactly what I did then, I laughed at this "woman". And as the moment continued on, I worked on pep talking myself down from the level of crazy she was ASKING me to display. Seriously, I heard her asking me to punch her in the face. (Crazy is real!) But although I possess crazy, I also have Jesus. And before I could let the crazy overwhelm me, my own motherly voice chimed in.
More than often, Kai comes homes and discusses the "girl" issues she has at school. Girls are not nice and sometimes these situations would warrant some "parents" advising fighting to prove a point (there is one living right in my own home). Yet, I always tell her "fighting is to defend yourself, not to demand respect. I do not condone fighting because some girl said something mean or disrespectful... only if she puts her hands on you. Any other situation can be walked away from or handled non violently". (Shout out to Dr. King! non-violent, non-violent!) And this is not my advice because I worry my daughter will get beat up AT ALL. That girl possesses a level of nuts I can not even began to describe. When her and I play around, I have to force myself to remember that we are just playing after she lands one of her blows... I didn't know an 11 year old could be that heavy handed. She is strong and very strong willed and I am concerned for anyone who ever messes with her to the point she feels the need to defend herself. I am not worried for her losing the fight. I am worried what fighting teaches, I am worried what condoning behavior like that turns our young women into... I tell her "you are only 11. You don't have any honor to defend and you don't have any reason to build up your street cred by fighting just because someone disrespected you. Keep your grades up and fight to become someone worthy and important. Not someone who gets into fights because they have little to no self esteem."
So as I'm standing there, minding my business and feeling completely disrespected by this (lesser of a )"woman", all this I tell Kai comes streaming back to me. The feeling of crazy didn't immediately go away, I struggled for a (good, long) minute. I pondered every possible outcome of this scenario, and in the end I concluded she just wasn't worth it. "Sometimes you have to be your own voice of reason."
But oh! it's been eating me alive. In my mind I'm thinking, the next time I see this woman is she going to think I am to be messed with. Is she thinking she got away with disrespecting me and this is ok? Am I going to have to talk myself down every time she is in my space? I should have just stole her in the %$*_#^ face!
But no, the intelligent, confident me knows I really don't care what she thinks. I am happy with my life and have absolutely nothing to be insecure about, and this "woman" is likely envious of that. Why should I be mad at her for that? She can't help that I'm awesome and she can only wish... I know in my heart, I handled this situation correctly. But the fighter in me still feels like I would have been completely justified... and then my smarts start talking to me and I consider all the possible factors of this situation playing out and none of them really end well. I am convincing myself, that aside from the anger I still feel, I know I did the right thing.
But my question to you: What would you have done? As mature, responsible grown ups are we automatically obligated to be the "bigger person"? When, if ever, is it ok to engage in fisticuffs? haha. And, last but certainly not least, should I have just punched her in the face? hahaha (ok, I know the answer to that. But really?)
I swear I could hear her telling me to just hit her... I swear! She was asking for it. But alas, I am a grown woman and although this woman was all but begging to get her wig split, it is not my job to oblige her. I am still my awesome self and no level of her haterish foolishness is going to change that. She can keep up the hate job and I will be there giving her reason to... awesome and unaffected. Somebody ought to tell her not to make a habit of expecting me to be the bigger person, I may crack!
Ok, you all enjoy the rest of this short work week. And... try to remain violence free in honor of the birth, life and death of a great black leader.
I swear she was begging me to punch her in the eye! I swear!!!
That's my "semi non-violent" peace!