I am so thankful that it is almost the weekend, I need this weekend like I need air. Seriously. I so desperately wanted to take a mental health day this week. I need some time where I can just lay and cry and get it all out FREELY. I have been feeling so overwhelmed and mentally drained... and the little relief that helps me survive isn't even relief right now. It's like my problems are causing more problems... like I'm so frustrated about home that now I'm struggling focusing on work...like the kids are driving me so crazy that now I really am just crazy and other relationships are becoming affected. It's the worse, and I haven't felt how I feel right now in a very long time. I usually handle this better. What's different this time? I feel like a team of 1 right now. These are the people I count on for my daily joy, making me feel miserable. All of a sudden, I'm the bad guy everywhere. At work, I'm not friendly enough, too quiet, not enough this, too much that. At home I'm too opinionated, never fair, too tough, blah blah blah blah blah... I feel so by myself, unsupported, unappreciated... and I want to scream "it's not fair!" But no, #16 beat me to it. And I am already aware that life isn't going to be fair. Still, I expect to get a little something good in return. I gotta keep it together though, I gotta remain rational and composed and prepared and still be responsible and functioning and loving. When do I get a break? Do I even get one? I'm about to claim injured and bench myself! Snatch this "S" right off my chest and quit. Then, everyone will be looking at me sideways. They'll forget all about the actual problems and the cause and just focus on the effect... "Tam just brokedown, quit on her responsibilities." So what they all drove me to it! I'd be the one in the wrong. Can't win for losing... smh. I need a real solution, one that doesn't involve me throwing a major tantrum and giving up.
I need a good, long, deep, uninhibited cry. I need to release this frustration and guilt and worry and... I can't even type this blog at work because all the hurt, fear, and disappointment is surfacing. This is no way to feel at work. This is no way to feel period! But, alas, just one more day, then it's the weekend. Grant it, I have a million things to do. But thankfully, hopefully, a few of my problems will give me a small break, long enough for me to recuperate and power back up, recharge enough to face them again. Hopefully my work bff doesn't try to hug me today, I will have a complete breakdown if she does. Who am I kidding? I'll be lucky to make it to lunch time... hug or not.
I really should've seen this coming, it was all going too smooth. Happy, behaved children. Loving, supportive husband. Calm, productive work environment. The devil was not pleased. I refuse to let him have any authority over my life. Jesus be a fence...
...Romans 8 ministered to my soul! God will put more on us than we can bear, but he's faithful to help us bear it and see us through it! I am more than conquerer through Him who loves me. (New American Standard, "But in all these things we OVERWHELMINGLY conquer through Him who loved us.") So, I'm going to keep the "S" on for now, but for the peace I'm still seeking... realizing without God, there is nothing really Super about me.
My play cousin Alicia is messing it up for all of us...
"Even when I'm a mess, I still put on my vest, with an "S" on my chest. Oh yes! I'm a Superwoman"
~she just forgot to add, "through Christ Jesus"
"seek peace and pursue it." Love, Tam