Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Report Card Tears
My teenage daughter struggles with anxiety and depression. She's been in therapy off and on for a couple of years to help manage it. The last few years, her anxiety has kept her from trying or caring about her grades in school. Her whole school life, up until the end of middle school, she was a straight A student. And then in the 8th grade she quit on herself. She'd have a few good quarters, a few good grades but a lot of "did you even try" grades to go along with it. I've been praying and crying from frustration of it all, not because of the grades but because of her attitude about it. "I just can't, it's too overwhelming, what does it even matter?" I know her, I know what's she's capable of, but what I don't know is what it feels like to manage depression. After seeing these disappointing report cards, at first, I was really hard on her. Punishments, taking away things, controlling her plans-- and I got nothing! No reward came from that. After a few failed attempts at punishment, I figured I needed a new approach. These last few bad reports, I'd take a moment to sit in the frustration of it for myself, cry if I needed, vent to my husband, pray, cry some more and then deal with her. I'd sit with her, tell her I'm proud of her no matter what she does, remind her how amazing she is, what I know she's capable of. Discuss her future with her, express some disappointment "only because I know you're brilliant. I've had years to witness how amazing you are, you've always been. I am sad that you let how you feel take over what needs to be done. I know you think you can't. I hear you. I feel that same thing sometimes and what I do is-- do it anyway. No matter what it feels like, I do it anyway. And I know this is my grown up self, it's what I am capable of because I'm an adult and I've learned it. Practiced it. But you don't have to do all that figuring out, I did it for both of us. Do your best, ok? Go to sleep at night knowing you did your best that day. That's all I ask." Then I kiss her, hold her and leave her alone. No yelling, no punishment. And I never bring it up again. Do you know how hard that is for me? But it's not about me. It's not what I want for her. It's what she wants for herself. I am not the one who has to do the work and I am certainly not willing to try. I can't cushion it for her and punishing her for not wanting it for herself wasn't working. I prayed. I cried. I dealt with it and left it at the feet of Jesus. I'd ask her about school work casually, she's assure me she was on it. I saw her put in some work, tried to help manage her schedule, offered to iron for her, help with her hair, fix her random snacks upon request. I pretty much tried my best to minimize any load she was feeling or fix anything that was causing her anxiety. I had some "get Mali out the house" initiatives because he requires so much of her and she struggles to deny him her time. I listened to her, sensed her needs, minimized her load and prayed for her and for myself...
At the beginning of the school year she said she felt overwhelmed by the course load, so we discussed what we thought she could manage, together went to guidance and Dropped AP English, dropped Spanish 4. Added AP History, French 1 and Child Dev. Kept her Pre Cal and her all VPA music classes, even though she wanted to drop those too, but then she wouldn't have been on stage with Obama singing her little heart out
Yesterday on the ride home from Shenandoah University for her VPA trip for a Music Therapy class, she told me her grades and I cried (bad idea, try not to have any cry moments while you're driving in traffic). Cried because I am so proud of the strides she's made, the anxiety she's overcoming, the effort she gave and the 3.6 she earned. Yes, a 3.6!!! Glory!
.So many takeaways... you pick!
Mental illness is real. Pay attention and do something about it If you don't know what to do, get them professional help! Talk to someone, there is no shame in it.
Children need your attention, your patience, your unconditional love, your support. Don't treat them like little pets that you just want to do as you say. They are people with voices, needs. It's your responsibility to guide them.
Prayer changes things. If I weren't at the feet of Jesus, I'd be crazy and she'd be crazy from me going crazy on her.
... the list could go on. But you take from it what you choose.
One thing about me though-- I am not one of those check SchoolMax for my kid's grades kind of mom. My mom just trusted me to do my work and I did it. My brain hasn't transferred over into this new technology of knowing kids' every assignment and school move. I have yet to find the time or energy to concern myself with checking up on her. Idk if it's a good thing or not, probably not. But I am a working mom with a full load. What am I really supposed to do if she doesn't turn in an assignment? Storm the school? Punishment? I've already determined that doesn't work for us. She doesn't need a tutor. She's smart, she just didn't care. I'm not gonna punish myself by taking extra time to sit with her. Who's making dinner while I do that? When will I sleep? I will just keep praying and trusting.
My advice: do what works for you. Continue to encourage your children and love them through what ever they are going through. God speed!
That is my peace!
Love, Tam
Monday, August 8, 2016
Ready for Back to School?
Hey guys,
Craziness!! The summer is soon coming to an end. It's almost time for our angels/monsters-- whatever you got-- to return to school. Realizing my, 3 year old, little Tasmanian angel will be starting school this year...mentally, I'm not ready yet. I thought I had more time, a couple more years before I had to send him into the big world. As anxious as I am about this new adventure for him, I am also super excited for him. I may not be ready, but I know he is. He's a super cool, super smart, take the world by storm, sweet kid. And I guess it's time for him to bless school with his amazing presence! :) As I come to this milestone with him, I plan to take LOTS of "first day of school" pics, of course! I'm gonna need a cool sign-- thankful for a sister who simplifies my life with her creative preparedness.
And since many of you busy working parents deserve to have life simplified-- to help create and photo document your "back to school" memories, Julita and the We Like to Party Shop has offered to share some First Day of School signs with you. There is one for every grade from Pre-K through 12th grade. Just click on the link below and print out the sign you'll need to help document your kiddie's first day... and enjoy!!
And if you have a special party or event that could use a touch of love and magic, check out the We Like To Party Shop on Etsy for your custom needs!
Enjoy what little time we have left of this summer, hug & kiss the babies, and Happy Back to Schooling!!!
Peace & Love,
Tam
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Korryn Gaines "you think you know, but you have no idea. This is the diary..."
I knew her. She wasn't crazy. She was just (too) intelligent, (recklessly) conscious, self serving, narcissistic, destructive... Only difference was she was a he and I spent 8 years fascinated and terrified by him. I would tell y'all a story about how a regular "police, non-criminal" situation, rather quickly, escalated to a "SWAT, whole building fogged and doors being rammed in" situation-- but that was a different lifetime ago and "law-abiding, here's my license and registration, how can I help you officer?" FB not ready to hear that bedtime story. Almost had the story voided from my own memories until this.
Well-- It happens. and SWAT is not there to have guns aimed at them. I imagine my story would've ended a little differently had SWAT been threatened with a visible gun by an occupant of the residence. Nah, they didn't have to kill her. But she didn't have to go all GI Jane, I'm ready to die, rogue either. And knowing the police like we do, what did you think would happen? "That dog bites!" And you put your hand in its mouth anyway?
And I'm not one of those "just comply" people. Someone dying is never gonna be OK with me, but in this particular case-- the "crazy" person got shot. Man running out the back with one year old-- yea that's me. Then again, maybe I was more like the 5 year old. I was right there and I still have the battle wounds from a fight that wasn't mine.
Maybe they targeted her, she definitely didn't deserve to die and I am sure they could've contained the situation without killing her :(. I wasn't in that house-- I wish it had turned out differently. But feeling how I feel about what I feel. And seeing her in the car during the police stop, hearing her words, having witness to her attitude-- it was so familiar. It curdled something inside me, reminder of a way I once felt. So I have this unpopular, biased view of the situation. Life.
This ended up here cause I could not sleep, it consumed me so much. I had to get it out somewhere, cause... restlessness. I don't even think Mr. B has ever heard this story. I for sure told it to my brother when it happened, and maybe as an interesting "have you ever been arrested?" story at a party among my closest friends. No, I wasn't officially arrested, but I was in the back of a police car in handcuffs. And I was in an interrogation room for hours being, well... interrogated.
It really was another life ago though. It happened to a different Tamika. I try to let my new life's memories slowly consume and replace the ones from that other life. But watching her videos brought it all back. The assertive arrogance, the belligerence, the willingness to "justifiably" turn a nothing into something. I could hear his voice. Police: Open the door!
Him: Don't you open that door! And if they come in, fight! Don't say anything, Don't be afraid. They ain't $hit, fcuk them...
Have you ever been a willing hostage? Was I terrified? Certainly. Or maybe, by then, I'd become numb to the fear I felt. Accommodating? Unfortunately so. Know who else was there, listening to the wrong enemy? His mother. Maybe she was the man who ran out the back, and I was the kid-- for sure. Was there a gun in the house? Yes. Was it pointed at SWAT when they came in? Thankfully not.
But all you law abiding citizens, who's hardest woes have been-- idk. I don't want to minimize your woes. But it baffles me how you have so much insight on something you've never experienced. Eat your dinner and go to bed-- and be thankful that you can.
Glad this isn't in my Timehop memories-- *goes back to forgetting* except now it will be, and maybe that's ok.
Oh this peace...
Love,
Tam
I texted my brother my thoughts in the middle of the night cause I had to share them-- somewhere. With someone who cared, understood... knows. And he texted me back...
I think u told me before. And I actually forgot about it too so I see how you ALMOST did. I have a story that I've wanted to tell fb too about police killings but I don't want them to think I'm crazy. Every time someone gets shot and police officers act like its so impossible and there's more to the story...
I wanna be like I KNOW there's TONS of officers who join the force for the power to kill and get away with it. I know this because I was one of those people. Not just to kill whoever recklessly, but I had one specific person in mind. I had the ability to do it without becoming an officer. But with the way courts treat regular black people. Why would I risk spending life in prison?
I didn't wanna pull people over everyday, work in hoods arresting people strikingly similar to the people I grew up with, or risk my life everyday for the betterment of the community. I just wanted to help my sister. I knew she was in an unsafe relationship, I knew he owned a gun and kept it in the house they lived in together, and I knew police officers were allowed to carry wherever, whenever and use deadly force if necessary. I kept this secret plan wrapped so tight that not even my CLOSEST friends know that's why I used to want to be an officer of the law. I kept it so tight that the person I wanted to kill would SEND me police jobs when he noticed certain departments were hiring. That's pretty scary. But I knew I was smart enough to devise a plan as an officer where I could have killed him and completely acted like I was just saving my sister in the heat of the moment. If her relationship lasted that long, I would've been another one of those murderers going home Scott free that you guys complain about on here everyday. If I was capable of devising such a plan and that being my sole purpose of becoming a cop, and I'm black... what makes you think with all the racism in the country, with all the possible KKK members in the police force, they aren't happy to wake up and kill a nigga on any given day.
Since we were sharing stories that we aren't sure can make it on fb 🙃. I love you lol
he's told me this story before, but I "forgot" this story too. It just doesn't live in the forefront of my memories, like it maybe should. But whenever I look at him, I just love him and I know he has my back. I was telling Mr. B just the other day that my younger brother feels this responsibility for me that I will never understand. I appreciate it though. Having a younger brother and bigger brother all in one.. so when you look at my family and see how much I love them and care about them, here's a little insight to why. We roll tough-- K-K- K- Key unit! lolol
(He did not give me permission to post this)
Maybe they targeted her, she definitely didn't deserve to die and I am sure they could've contained the situation without killing her :(. I wasn't in that house-- I wish it had turned out differently. But feeling how I feel about what I feel. And seeing her in the car during the police stop, hearing her words, having witness to her attitude-- it was so familiar. It curdled something inside me, reminder of a way I once felt. So I have this unpopular, biased view of the situation. Life.
This ended up here cause I could not sleep, it consumed me so much. I had to get it out somewhere, cause... restlessness. I don't even think Mr. B has ever heard this story. I for sure told it to my brother when it happened, and maybe as an interesting "have you ever been arrested?" story at a party among my closest friends. No, I wasn't officially arrested, but I was in the back of a police car in handcuffs. And I was in an interrogation room for hours being, well... interrogated.
It really was another life ago though. It happened to a different Tamika. I try to let my new life's memories slowly consume and replace the ones from that other life. But watching her videos brought it all back. The assertive arrogance, the belligerence, the willingness to "justifiably" turn a nothing into something. I could hear his voice. Police: Open the door!
Him: Don't you open that door! And if they come in, fight! Don't say anything, Don't be afraid. They ain't $hit, fcuk them...
Have you ever been a willing hostage? Was I terrified? Certainly. Or maybe, by then, I'd become numb to the fear I felt. Accommodating? Unfortunately so. Know who else was there, listening to the wrong enemy? His mother. Maybe she was the man who ran out the back, and I was the kid-- for sure. Was there a gun in the house? Yes. Was it pointed at SWAT when they came in? Thankfully not.
But all you law abiding citizens, who's hardest woes have been-- idk. I don't want to minimize your woes. But it baffles me how you have so much insight on something you've never experienced. Eat your dinner and go to bed-- and be thankful that you can.
Glad this isn't in my Timehop memories-- *goes back to forgetting* except now it will be, and maybe that's ok.
Oh this peace...
Love,
Tam
I texted my brother my thoughts in the middle of the night cause I had to share them-- somewhere. With someone who cared, understood... knows. And he texted me back...
I think u told me before. And I actually forgot about it too so I see how you ALMOST did. I have a story that I've wanted to tell fb too about police killings but I don't want them to think I'm crazy. Every time someone gets shot and police officers act like its so impossible and there's more to the story...
I wanna be like I KNOW there's TONS of officers who join the force for the power to kill and get away with it. I know this because I was one of those people. Not just to kill whoever recklessly, but I had one specific person in mind. I had the ability to do it without becoming an officer. But with the way courts treat regular black people. Why would I risk spending life in prison?
I didn't wanna pull people over everyday, work in hoods arresting people strikingly similar to the people I grew up with, or risk my life everyday for the betterment of the community. I just wanted to help my sister. I knew she was in an unsafe relationship, I knew he owned a gun and kept it in the house they lived in together, and I knew police officers were allowed to carry wherever, whenever and use deadly force if necessary. I kept this secret plan wrapped so tight that not even my CLOSEST friends know that's why I used to want to be an officer of the law. I kept it so tight that the person I wanted to kill would SEND me police jobs when he noticed certain departments were hiring. That's pretty scary. But I knew I was smart enough to devise a plan as an officer where I could have killed him and completely acted like I was just saving my sister in the heat of the moment. If her relationship lasted that long, I would've been another one of those murderers going home Scott free that you guys complain about on here everyday. If I was capable of devising such a plan and that being my sole purpose of becoming a cop, and I'm black... what makes you think with all the racism in the country, with all the possible KKK members in the police force, they aren't happy to wake up and kill a nigga on any given day.
Since we were sharing stories that we aren't sure can make it on fb 🙃. I love you lol
he's told me this story before, but I "forgot" this story too. It just doesn't live in the forefront of my memories, like it maybe should. But whenever I look at him, I just love him and I know he has my back. I was telling Mr. B just the other day that my younger brother feels this responsibility for me that I will never understand. I appreciate it though. Having a younger brother and bigger brother all in one.. so when you look at my family and see how much I love them and care about them, here's a little insight to why. We roll tough-- K-K- K- Key unit! lolol
(He did not give me permission to post this)
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
This is My Commandment...
Because I want to practice what I preach. One day I'm going to have to stand before God and account for myself. When He asks me about how I mended relationships and treated those closest to me, I want to be able to tell Him I did all I could. That I loved by His standards. I want to be able to say I didn't make any excuses for someone else's behavior, that I didn't put off the responsibility that was mine and blame others for how they treated me. I will make the best effort because I am a Christian woman... accountable, capable, and diligently on the tasks that I know are mine. "I can do all things..."
"Set your mind on things that are above..."
"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..."
"Present yourself to God as one approved..."
"For it is better to suffer for doing good..." #whateveristrue #whateverishonorable #whateverisjust #whateverispure #whateverislovely
#causeiwanttoremember #accountability
 |
| photo from Tuesday night's dinner table. Mr. B and I sit together to eat dinner, I figured I should take small actions in showing him that I value our time together. I fixed dinner and served it up to him with a glass of wine and a little table decor. Nothing fancy, but just little action to show my big love for him in a small way. #babysteps |
This post is so vague, I know. But it was about to be an IG post before I decided I didn't want to be that transparent on IG. Lately, Mr. B and I just have not been connecting. We've been bickering (or maybe just me) over some of the smallest things. It feels rough in our home. We're lacking love and compassion and it's been feeling like I don't even know the man I married. Don't worry! We are both very firm in our commitment to one another, but it can not (will not) go on this way and us remain happily married. I have a few gripes about him lately that make him unrecognizable. And maybe he has some too that are causing me to become unrecognizable. Does he recognize me? *shrugs*
But whateverthecase... I am a woman of action. I refuse to let whatever the devil has planned to take form in my home. I can not blame anyone else for the outcome if I do not put in the work necessary to mend what is broken.
Whenever the kids upset each other and aren't getting along. "Who are you responsible for? Whose actions can you control?" I have to practice what I preach. I can only control me. I know I am the root of my home. I control the temperature. I am the leader of the joy, of the love, of the sanity. Everyone is feeding off of my actions! Why am I not walking in that calling? I can turn it all around and make it all better just by a simple attitude shift. I can't control how he sees me, what he does, But what I am responsible for, I need to be on task about... diligently! Excitedly!
Lord, I hear you. Thanks for the constant reminder of your grace. Thank you for clarity and strength and the resolve to remain on task. I am blessed. I will walk in my blessings.
I'll keep you guys updated.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
THE List!
In my last post, I mentioned how I like to take stock on my life around birthday time and the new year. How I get all introspective and decide on life changes and things I'll do differently in the new year. I decided that 2016 would be risky and noteworthy. It'll be adventurous and spontaneous, but it'll also be planning and carrying out those plans. No more "one day I wills." Instead...NIKE!!! (Just do it!)
I started making a bucket list of things I want to do. That way I have a working list to live off of...
(when I only had like 3 things on the list) see! this is my problem. I can't even think of things I want to do... I refuse to live this boring life again in 2016. What are some things you want to accomplish for 2016, I need a list to steal.
LOL!
Edited: This will be a working list that I will edit and add to as I think of things. I don't want to limit myself to the list, but I'd like something to work from.
I plan to make 2016 one for the books!! I don't have any grand unattainable goals, I just want to live feeling happier, more at peace and freer each year. I can't remain confined to the box others have put me in. I am choosing to LIVE!
12/31/2015
Today is the last day of 2015. Tonight, I plan to make mocktails for myself and the kids (it'll prob just me Kai, Mali and myself). We're going to have a dance party, bake a pound cake, make vision boards and sing Auld Lang Syne as Kai tries to play it on her keyboard. It's going to be a grand ole time for us in the house. Let the memory making begin!!!
Happy New Year blog world!!!
That's my last 2015 PEACE!
Love, Tam
ON WITH THE NEW YEAR
I started making a bucket list of things I want to do. That way I have a working list to live off of...
Client reception and West Side StoryStop procrastinatingcrossed off because it's just unrealistic expectationkaraoke-I forreal have never done karaoke... for shame!!! (Edited 1/25/2018: my bday 2017 friends took me to karaoke)- read more books
- boudoir photo shoot (sad I was car-less and couldn't get to my scheduled appt, but it shall get done)
wine tasting/festival(Edited 1/25/2018: summer 2017)experiment with my hair(my hair has been busy for a couple years now)Get my passport- Travel out the country
- lose 15 lbs
- Bikini wax
- Cook more (experiment with new dishes)
- Bake something grand monthly
- Create traditions and memories with my family
Teach Kai how to cook- Camp out
- Ride a roller coaster
- Save $
- Road trip
- Family vacation
- Dance more
- get crafty (craftier)
- get Mali out of my bed
(when I only had like 3 things on the list) see! this is my problem. I can't even think of things I want to do... I refuse to live this boring life again in 2016. What are some things you want to accomplish for 2016, I need a list to steal.
LOL!
Edited: This will be a working list that I will edit and add to as I think of things. I don't want to limit myself to the list, but I'd like something to work from.
I plan to make 2016 one for the books!! I don't have any grand unattainable goals, I just want to live feeling happier, more at peace and freer each year. I can't remain confined to the box others have put me in. I am choosing to LIVE!
12/31/2015
Today is the last day of 2015. Tonight, I plan to make mocktails for myself and the kids (it'll prob just me Kai, Mali and myself). We're going to have a dance party, bake a pound cake, make vision boards and sing Auld Lang Syne as Kai tries to play it on her keyboard. It's going to be a grand ole time for us in the house. Let the memory making begin!!!
Happy New Year blog world!!!
That's my last 2015 PEACE!
Love, Tam
ON WITH THE NEW YEAR
Friday, December 11, 2015
The Daddy Moment
Last night, I went to a work function... boo!!! But when you finally get the long awaited invite from your coworkers to see West Side Story, along with your new found love of plays and musicals, AND they're paying for it... you say YES! And you go and enjoy. You mingle with clients you talk to all the time, but have never met face to face. You deal with some weird dude trying to get your number under the guise of selling you a loom. You nibble on chicken skewers and beef sliders and mushroom quesadillas, you accept every glass of white wine the waiter offers you and you LIVE!! Absolutely live. You deal with the awkward stares from your manager, who is possibly wondering what you're saying to their longest client that has him laughing, and you continue to be the lovely, charming person who lives deep inside but surfaces perfectly when needed.
I had a good time, I enjoyed West Side Story, and I especially appreciate my wonderful husband coming to pick me up at 11pm.
I get home to my sweet baby, who of course is still awake cause he's been waiting for me and no one else is responsible enough to put him to bed. Grateful he is still awake because there were specks in the evening that I missed him terribly. At first around the time we'd usually be together, again when I left the crowd to use the restroom, once more when I eating a dessert with a strawberry (Mali loves strawberries), then only again when I was riding home and realizing it was so late and he'd prob be asleep and the day just starts over with us being apart again ALL DAY, knowing I had to come home, then tomorrow/now today and only see him for a moment, just to go out again for National Symphony Orchestra at Kennedy Center date with his sister. I hope he doesn't feel abandoned *DEEP stressful SIGH*. But he's up! unfortunate for the daycare lady who has to deal with his cranky pants tomorrow, but YAY for me that I, at least, get a few moments of Mali gloriousness. As I scoop him up, hold him, nurse him (yes we're still there. He's adamant about his "nah nah", but we will retire it soon), and I talk to him about my day and ask him about his. He's listening and falling asleep... " I love your sweet face, I hope you grow up to be just like your daddy. Maybe you need to spend more time with him, without me, so you can ingest the deepest parts of him, the parts I love. The part that makes him not even hesitate to come pick up your mom after a long night. If you ended up just like him, I'd be proud." And in that moment, I thought how there are some women who look at their sons and think, "I hope you grow up to be nothing like your @%$!&*%$ father." And it saddened me, humbled me, and made me realize just how blessed in life I am. It was so noteworthy for me, so relieving. Mr. B was undressing or something off in the bathroom and I don't think he heard me, I hope he didn't. I can't have him thinking he's the absolute ish in my eyes. At the same time, I hope he did hear me. Hopes he knows just how much I love and appreciate him. *exhales JOY*
I am having a birthday soon. Every year, around birthday time, I do all this reflection, self inspection and look over my life and what I can do, should do and will do differently. Every year, I take a stock over my physical self and do what I can to be a better Tam. This year, I've decided I am going to take more chances, do the things I think of but then talk myself out of them. No more talking myself out of it. I am not going to let my stubborness and fear keep me from living and growing. I am going to make a "bucket" list and start crossing stuff off of it.
1. Client reception and West Side Story
2. Stop procrastinating
...I'll finish writing the list later, LOL
This post was just to remember the moment I had the "grow up to be like your father" revelation, but I can never be short and sweet, can I? :)
Happy Tecember! #YOTTTO (You Only Turn Thirty Three Once) #taking33
Peace!
Love, Tam
I had a good time, I enjoyed West Side Story, and I especially appreciate my wonderful husband coming to pick me up at 11pm.
I get home to my sweet baby, who of course is still awake cause he's been waiting for me and no one else is responsible enough to put him to bed. Grateful he is still awake because there were specks in the evening that I missed him terribly. At first around the time we'd usually be together, again when I left the crowd to use the restroom, once more when I eating a dessert with a strawberry (Mali loves strawberries), then only again when I was riding home and realizing it was so late and he'd prob be asleep and the day just starts over with us being apart again ALL DAY, knowing I had to come home, then tomorrow/now today and only see him for a moment, just to go out again for National Symphony Orchestra at Kennedy Center date with his sister. I hope he doesn't feel abandoned *DEEP stressful SIGH*. But he's up! unfortunate for the daycare lady who has to deal with his cranky pants tomorrow, but YAY for me that I, at least, get a few moments of Mali gloriousness. As I scoop him up, hold him, nurse him (yes we're still there. He's adamant about his "nah nah", but we will retire it soon), and I talk to him about my day and ask him about his. He's listening and falling asleep... " I love your sweet face, I hope you grow up to be just like your daddy. Maybe you need to spend more time with him, without me, so you can ingest the deepest parts of him, the parts I love. The part that makes him not even hesitate to come pick up your mom after a long night. If you ended up just like him, I'd be proud." And in that moment, I thought how there are some women who look at their sons and think, "I hope you grow up to be nothing like your @%$!&*%$ father." And it saddened me, humbled me, and made me realize just how blessed in life I am. It was so noteworthy for me, so relieving. Mr. B was undressing or something off in the bathroom and I don't think he heard me, I hope he didn't. I can't have him thinking he's the absolute ish in my eyes. At the same time, I hope he did hear me. Hopes he knows just how much I love and appreciate him. *exhales JOY*
I am having a birthday soon. Every year, around birthday time, I do all this reflection, self inspection and look over my life and what I can do, should do and will do differently. Every year, I take a stock over my physical self and do what I can to be a better Tam. This year, I've decided I am going to take more chances, do the things I think of but then talk myself out of them. No more talking myself out of it. I am not going to let my stubborness and fear keep me from living and growing. I am going to make a "bucket" list and start crossing stuff off of it.
2. Stop procrastinating
...I'll finish writing the list later, LOL
This post was just to remember the moment I had the "grow up to be like your father" revelation, but I can never be short and sweet, can I? :)
Happy Tecember! #YOTTTO (You Only Turn Thirty Three Once) #taking33
Peace!
Love, Tam
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Everyday Family
August 6, 2014 (Draft that I decided to hit Publish on)
No family I know depends on a holiday, an occasion or a invitation to spend time together. Families... Sisters, brothers, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins... Don't need a special occasion to get together. If I'm going to be somewhere, whether it's a store, park, picnic, cookout, or ANYWHERE and I think you'd also enjoy it, I'm going to invite you. And for the most part, in my family, everyone else does the same. We're a family and we do things together. No matter how random, uneventful and mundane... we do it TOGETHER.
No family I know depends on a holiday, an occasion or a invitation to spend time together. Families... Sisters, brothers, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins... Don't need a special occasion to get together. If I'm going to be somewhere, whether it's a store, park, picnic, cookout, or ANYWHERE and I think you'd also enjoy it, I'm going to invite you. And for the most part, in my family, everyone else does the same. We're a family and we do things together. No matter how random, uneventful and mundane... we do it TOGETHER.
I see my mom, on average, twice a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I KNOW that it's not gonna be...(thinking of the next upcoming celebrated holiday) Labor Day? Columbus Day? Thanksgiving!!! It's not gonna be Thanksgiving before I can expect to hear from my mom again. Or my sister, or my grandparents. And I can consider that, quite possibly, I should give family members that operate differently than this a break but... Nah!
My life after marriage and Mali got a little hectic and I probably started visiting my grandma less than before. But because we're family (and she's crazy, lol) she's not going for me not visiting. And my grandfather, who isn't much of a talker really, instigated my not visiting.
My life after marriage and Mali got a little hectic and I probably started visiting my grandma less than before. But because we're family (and she's crazy, lol) she's not going for me not visiting. And my grandfather, who isn't much of a talker really, instigated my not visiting.
(I can imagine...) Pop pop to grandma: Tamika must be upset with you, she hasn't been over in awhile. OR
Grandma to Pop Pop: Tamika hasn't been over in awhile.
Pop Pop: She must be upset with you.
Grandma to Pop Pop: Tamika hasn't been over in awhile.
Pop Pop: She must be upset with you.
Grandma texts me: are you upset with me? You haven't been over in awhile. Your pop pop says you must be upset with me.
My reply to grandma: FOOLISHNESS! Don't let pop pop try and break us up. I'm not upset, just been busy. Currently at a bday party with Mali and Ki. (Takes pic of Mali and a selfie with Ki and sends:)
Note to self... Go visit grandma soon.
And guess what? I appreciate that. I appreciate my grandparents checking me for getting too busy with life. I appreciate them noticing they hadn't seen me in awhile and calling me out on it. I appreciate them thinking about me and wanting to see me and loving when I visit. I appreciate them being active in my life, caring about me, and showing it. I appreciate them being everyday family. And same for my siblings. We do things together, and mostly sometimes, we do nothing together and that is just as rewarding.
I even don't go too long without seeing my aunt. We have separate lives but if she needs me to be somewhere or do something, I don't mind showing up and being available. We make it so our separate lives meet up, cross paths, become joined lives. Life just won't pass and next thing I know it's Thanksgiving and I'm getting a text message with a "Happy Thanksgiving!" No! We're spending the weeks before Thanksgiving messaging back and forth planning to spend it together, cause... That's what families do. I don't know what I'd do without these people and I'm so thankful for them.
I'm going to miss my sister when she moves away, but it'll be distance not desire keeping us apart.
I am thankful for my "everyday family".
I'm going to miss my sister when she moves away, but it'll be distance not desire keeping us apart.
I am thankful for my "everyday family".
I try to pay attention to when God is trying to get my attention. He isn't usually subtle with me. Or maybe He is and I just don't pay attention until... until it gets too drastic. God sees me over here in my comfort zone and KNOWS it takes an elephant to move me from it. It's shameful almost-- what I allow until it gets too large to avoid. Too big to bear. Too much to pretend like it's not uncomfortable. OK God, I see you. I am paying attention. You want me to do something different. And I am here for it.
I am the Comfort Zone Queen. I get used to the circumstances and I stay... good, bad.... I get comfortable in it. Like a pile of laundry on the bed. It for sure needs to be folded and moved. But no... I'll reposition that pile all over the bed and lay comfortably on it. I'm clearly no princess... (reference the princess and the pea story). But I am!!! I am a child of The King, that makes me a princess by default. I can't be comfortable with the pea lump of laundry in my back. I feel it, don't settle and sleep there anyway Tamika!
I need my comfort zone rocked! Make me uncomfortable Lord, so you can use me. Here I am! Show me what it is you want me to do. I am here for it.
I notice this as a pattern though. I get stuck.
(Unfinished Draft from April 2015 that I hit Publish on anyway)
I am the Comfort Zone Queen. I get used to the circumstances and I stay... good, bad.... I get comfortable in it. Like a pile of laundry on the bed. It for sure needs to be folded and moved. But no... I'll reposition that pile all over the bed and lay comfortably on it. I'm clearly no princess... (reference the princess and the pea story). But I am!!! I am a child of The King, that makes me a princess by default. I can't be comfortable with the pea lump of laundry in my back. I feel it, don't settle and sleep there anyway Tamika!
I need my comfort zone rocked! Make me uncomfortable Lord, so you can use me. Here I am! Show me what it is you want me to do. I am here for it.
I notice this as a pattern though. I get stuck.
(Unfinished Draft from April 2015 that I hit Publish on anyway)
Better Together
It'll be short and sweet today. But I was sitting here thinking these thoughts and when my thoughts consume me, I like to write them down. And here we are...
Once upon a time, not too long ago, I used to worry alone. I'd keep my concerns, problems and troubles to myself. I didn't ever want to burden someone else with what I was going through. I figured I could just handle it all alone. One day it became too much. I just couldn't hold a problem anymore, I felt like I was drowning, and I needed a rescue. Or I at least needed someone else to know that I was drowning so they didn't just find me drowned and dead. Know what I mean? I needed to tell someone what I was going through. I could feel life feeling heavy, I felt overwhelmed and I just knew things were about to get hectic. When it all came to a head, and it surely would, I wanted someone else to know that it was coming.
At the time, my mom was my closest ally. And no matter what shame I was feeling about the situation I'd gotten myself in, I knew I needed to tell her. And so I did. There wasn't an easy resolution, (I wasnt even expecting her to have a solution) but not long after I unloaded my worry, it did come to a hectic, explosive head and eventually was resolved. The energy spent on worrying and hiding became energy to refocus and resolve. The lighter load, and having told someone, made it easier to face the struggle. And having told someone made it so I was not facing the problem alone. They had answers I didn't. They encouraged me to have hope when I felt hopeless. And most importantly, they knew to pray when I couldn't.
The lesson I learned in all this... Never worry alone. Someone may have answers you don't. That has become my going forward, working, life mantra. Never again have I carried a problem alone.
Why should I be the only one having my thoughts consumed by this trouble? Let me call my mom, she may have an answer. She may know something I don't. She may be able to stand with me, support me, hug me. In hearing my problem, she may know just what needs to be done. Or at the least, offer me the comfort I wouldn't ask for.
This morning I had a worry. I pondered for 5 minutes on how worried I was going to be, and how worried I was going to make someone else based on my worry. That was 5 minutes of worrying wasted.
*texts Gigi*
"Listen. I hate to worry people unnecessarily. But I also hate to worry alone so..... I was going to wait but I couldn't."
Gigi texts back 2 seconds later with simple answer that put the whole worry to rest! 10 minutes later, worry completely dissolved. Had I never told her, I would've spent countless moments fretting over nothing.
:)
Why did I just waste that time worrying myself crazy? Never again!
I share this only because I live by it. It saves me. Thinking on it consumed me this morning. I love these kind of life reminders. And I want everyone to save themselves from worrying. I am living well and I want everyone to be well. We're all better together.
God put us here together for a reason. He uses His people to care for one another. To help one another. To support one another. To bless each other.
"Bear one another's burdens..."
"Therefore comfort one another..."
"Stir up one another in love and good works, not neglecting to meet together... but encouraging one another..."
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
There is great peace in sharing your troubles.
Living my peace.
Love, Tam
Once upon a time, not too long ago, I used to worry alone. I'd keep my concerns, problems and troubles to myself. I didn't ever want to burden someone else with what I was going through. I figured I could just handle it all alone. One day it became too much. I just couldn't hold a problem anymore, I felt like I was drowning, and I needed a rescue. Or I at least needed someone else to know that I was drowning so they didn't just find me drowned and dead. Know what I mean? I needed to tell someone what I was going through. I could feel life feeling heavy, I felt overwhelmed and I just knew things were about to get hectic. When it all came to a head, and it surely would, I wanted someone else to know that it was coming.
At the time, my mom was my closest ally. And no matter what shame I was feeling about the situation I'd gotten myself in, I knew I needed to tell her. And so I did. There wasn't an easy resolution, (I wasnt even expecting her to have a solution) but not long after I unloaded my worry, it did come to a hectic, explosive head and eventually was resolved. The energy spent on worrying and hiding became energy to refocus and resolve. The lighter load, and having told someone, made it easier to face the struggle. And having told someone made it so I was not facing the problem alone. They had answers I didn't. They encouraged me to have hope when I felt hopeless. And most importantly, they knew to pray when I couldn't.
The lesson I learned in all this... Never worry alone. Someone may have answers you don't. That has become my going forward, working, life mantra. Never again have I carried a problem alone.
Why should I be the only one having my thoughts consumed by this trouble? Let me call my mom, she may have an answer. She may know something I don't. She may be able to stand with me, support me, hug me. In hearing my problem, she may know just what needs to be done. Or at the least, offer me the comfort I wouldn't ask for.
This morning I had a worry. I pondered for 5 minutes on how worried I was going to be, and how worried I was going to make someone else based on my worry. That was 5 minutes of worrying wasted.
*texts Gigi*
"Listen. I hate to worry people unnecessarily. But I also hate to worry alone so..... I was going to wait but I couldn't."
Gigi texts back 2 seconds later with simple answer that put the whole worry to rest! 10 minutes later, worry completely dissolved. Had I never told her, I would've spent countless moments fretting over nothing.
:)
Why did I just waste that time worrying myself crazy? Never again!
I share this only because I live by it. It saves me. Thinking on it consumed me this morning. I love these kind of life reminders. And I want everyone to save themselves from worrying. I am living well and I want everyone to be well. We're all better together.
God put us here together for a reason. He uses His people to care for one another. To help one another. To support one another. To bless each other.
"Bear one another's burdens..."
"Therefore comfort one another..."
"Stir up one another in love and good works, not neglecting to meet together... but encouraging one another..."
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
There is great peace in sharing your troubles.
Living my peace.
Love, Tam
Monday, July 27, 2015
Provisions!
(I started this post June 6, 2015 and didn't post. But it feels necessary to post)
I haven't been here in forever. Not that I haven't had anything to say... it's just something about life right now keeps me quiet. I don't know if I regret that or not. But today, I feel like I have so many words, I just have to say them...
I am so happy. And trust me, I know... happiness is so conditional. That makes this particular happiness even more relevant. Not much about the conditions are blatantly screaming HAPPY, but still... here I am.
Today is my 3 year anniversary married to Mr. B. Life with him, although not always smooth, is a great gift. He is my friend before anything, and I love him beyond my last breath. I look at him and, to this day, I am in awe that I am the lucky one he chose. He is so handsome and kind, and I am so grateful. I have so many feelings, words just aren't enough.
Recently he had a major surgery and I focused every prayer I had to his healing. I couldn't even begin to imagine a life I didn't share with him right by my side. I am so thankful he is recovering and on the mend. Just yesterday, I had to tell him just how terrified I was sitting there for 2 1/2 hours, just waiting for the surgeon to tell me it went well and he was ok. I can't begin to imagine his own level of fears, but he got to be put out and sleep through it. No one offered me that relief. For hours I had to wait, trust, and pray the doctor would deliver good news to me. It is not something I want to do ever again. Post surgery, I expected to be overwhelmed with my role as caregiver, working wife, mom, chauffeur and endless sole responsibility for the needs of our home but the good Lord... provisions! I should be tired and overwhelmed... but the good Lord is a prayer answer-er. He is giving me absolutely everything I need, sustaining me and providing rest, peace and patience I don't usually possess. I am not SuperTam, and I can't even form my mouth to take credit for God being God.
(Edited: continued on July 27, 2015)
But I am ever so thankful for Him giving me love in abundance, peace multiplied and a profuse amount of patience. I, seriously, was sustained and provided for in order to care for my family. Mr. B and I are major partners in our home. We work together. We share the responsibilities, sometimes he carries the majority of the load thankfully. So I anticipated being overwhelmed. I expected to lose it eventually. But I also prayed for God to provide. What was I thinking? What did I expect? Why did I doubt Him?
I rejoice to serve a mighty God who sees me, even when I expect to be forgotten. Gracious to be kept by the King of Glory. Amazed to be loved and cared for. He shows up for me, even when I least expect it. I am just smiling from the inside out. My heart is just so full.
I am thankful for His Peace.
Love,
Tam
I haven't been here in forever. Not that I haven't had anything to say... it's just something about life right now keeps me quiet. I don't know if I regret that or not. But today, I feel like I have so many words, I just have to say them...
I am so happy. And trust me, I know... happiness is so conditional. That makes this particular happiness even more relevant. Not much about the conditions are blatantly screaming HAPPY, but still... here I am.
Today is my 3 year anniversary married to Mr. B. Life with him, although not always smooth, is a great gift. He is my friend before anything, and I love him beyond my last breath. I look at him and, to this day, I am in awe that I am the lucky one he chose. He is so handsome and kind, and I am so grateful. I have so many feelings, words just aren't enough.
Recently he had a major surgery and I focused every prayer I had to his healing. I couldn't even begin to imagine a life I didn't share with him right by my side. I am so thankful he is recovering and on the mend. Just yesterday, I had to tell him just how terrified I was sitting there for 2 1/2 hours, just waiting for the surgeon to tell me it went well and he was ok. I can't begin to imagine his own level of fears, but he got to be put out and sleep through it. No one offered me that relief. For hours I had to wait, trust, and pray the doctor would deliver good news to me. It is not something I want to do ever again. Post surgery, I expected to be overwhelmed with my role as caregiver, working wife, mom, chauffeur and endless sole responsibility for the needs of our home but the good Lord... provisions! I should be tired and overwhelmed... but the good Lord is a prayer answer-er. He is giving me absolutely everything I need, sustaining me and providing rest, peace and patience I don't usually possess. I am not SuperTam, and I can't even form my mouth to take credit for God being God.
(Edited: continued on July 27, 2015)
But I am ever so thankful for Him giving me love in abundance, peace multiplied and a profuse amount of patience. I, seriously, was sustained and provided for in order to care for my family. Mr. B and I are major partners in our home. We work together. We share the responsibilities, sometimes he carries the majority of the load thankfully. So I anticipated being overwhelmed. I expected to lose it eventually. But I also prayed for God to provide. What was I thinking? What did I expect? Why did I doubt Him?
I rejoice to serve a mighty God who sees me, even when I expect to be forgotten. Gracious to be kept by the King of Glory. Amazed to be loved and cared for. He shows up for me, even when I least expect it. I am just smiling from the inside out. My heart is just so full.
I am thankful for His Peace.
Love,
Tam
Friday, January 2, 2015
Officially Missing My Sis
My sister moved to Texas a few months ago....
Some days I don't miss her at all. We've had separate lives before. She has her awesome family and I have mine. Separately, our lives are so full and busy we barely really even had time to just be sisters. There were always husbands and kids and... life. I am used to being without her. I can fill a day with a million things and keep busy and some times never even think of her. I just have so. Much. To do. On every. Given. Day. That I don't even have time for all those things. I have 2 piles of laundry that have LITERALLY been sitting on the floor of my room for at least a week already separated and ready to go into the wash. I just keep adding the day's dirty clothes to it. Shame!! I know. But my washer is downstairs and I am ALWAYS carrying a baby down the steps when I go. God forbid I walk him down first, then come back up and get it... he's just following be back up the steps, sooooo "forget it! I'll do laundry tomorrow." I've been saying for over a week now :SIGHS:
I can find a million things to do (laundry just one of many) that could easily replace time spent with my sister.
The other days, aside from the ones that I don't miss her at all, I am missing her like crazy, If I even think "dang it, I miss Jules!" *major waterworks* (even now as I type). Sitting here at my desk wondering why I am doing this to myself in this moment. We've had separate lives for so long, that I have the experience to know that being together is better. Separately, our lives were so full that it made the greatness of being together that much more of a reward. There are always husbands and kids and... life. But she is my sister, there is truly nothing greater than that. As much as I love those other people in my life, there really is no comparison to my sister. She understands my soul. I have so. Much. To do. On every. Given. Day. That I want to just forget all those things and just have a break for sister time. I want to leave laundry on the floor of my room for a week because spending the day at my sister's was just more important. I want her here cause she'll see the laundry on my floor and take that baby let him follow her where ever she's going, up her steps. He'll experience life with Aunt Ju and I'll get to watch him be in as much awe of her as I am.
I can find a million things to do that could easily replace time spent with my sister, but sadly I'll still wish she were here. And I will have to keep busy just to forget that she isn't.
Then I'll see an awesome pic she posted on Facebook and smile cause she's just so beautiful and those J girls are just amazing and then I'll cry cause I'm not there. And in comparison, my day starts to feel like it sucked even though it was a perfectly fine day. And now I'm wallowing and I just want to talk to her but, at the same time not, cause I don't want to bring her down with my cry baby emotions that will just escalate as soon as I hear her voice. Then she'll worry because I'm crying and haven't said what was wrong yet, then when I finally get out "I just miss you sooo much!!!!" next, she's crying and it's just a mess! And all I did was make us both sad and we're not even together to hug it out. So we'll just be two lonely sisters crying and no one to hug. It's all so stupid! And so... as I wipe my crying face with these really great Kleenex cool touch* tissues and notice all my mascara wiped off and I probably look super cray.. I'm just gonna pull myself together, get back to work and busy myself with not missing her at all.
Then I'll message her about scheduling in a FaceTime Friday (we actually Skype now), since we missed Thursday's session (yesterday) and it's probably just our regularly scheduled talks that keep me in a sane place.
Officially missing my peace.
Love, Tam
Some days I don't miss her at all. We've had separate lives before. She has her awesome family and I have mine. Separately, our lives are so full and busy we barely really even had time to just be sisters. There were always husbands and kids and... life. I am used to being without her. I can fill a day with a million things and keep busy and some times never even think of her. I just have so. Much. To do. On every. Given. Day. That I don't even have time for all those things. I have 2 piles of laundry that have LITERALLY been sitting on the floor of my room for at least a week already separated and ready to go into the wash. I just keep adding the day's dirty clothes to it. Shame!! I know. But my washer is downstairs and I am ALWAYS carrying a baby down the steps when I go. God forbid I walk him down first, then come back up and get it... he's just following be back up the steps, sooooo "forget it! I'll do laundry tomorrow." I've been saying for over a week now :SIGHS:
I can find a million things to do (laundry just one of many) that could easily replace time spent with my sister.
The other days, aside from the ones that I don't miss her at all, I am missing her like crazy, If I even think "dang it, I miss Jules!" *major waterworks* (even now as I type). Sitting here at my desk wondering why I am doing this to myself in this moment. We've had separate lives for so long, that I have the experience to know that being together is better. Separately, our lives were so full that it made the greatness of being together that much more of a reward. There are always husbands and kids and... life. But she is my sister, there is truly nothing greater than that. As much as I love those other people in my life, there really is no comparison to my sister. She understands my soul. I have so. Much. To do. On every. Given. Day. That I want to just forget all those things and just have a break for sister time. I want to leave laundry on the floor of my room for a week because spending the day at my sister's was just more important. I want her here cause she'll see the laundry on my floor and take that baby let him follow her where ever she's going, up her steps. He'll experience life with Aunt Ju and I'll get to watch him be in as much awe of her as I am.
I can find a million things to do that could easily replace time spent with my sister, but sadly I'll still wish she were here. And I will have to keep busy just to forget that she isn't.
Then I'll see an awesome pic she posted on Facebook and smile cause she's just so beautiful and those J girls are just amazing and then I'll cry cause I'm not there. And in comparison, my day starts to feel like it sucked even though it was a perfectly fine day. And now I'm wallowing and I just want to talk to her but, at the same time not, cause I don't want to bring her down with my cry baby emotions that will just escalate as soon as I hear her voice. Then she'll worry because I'm crying and haven't said what was wrong yet, then when I finally get out "I just miss you sooo much!!!!" next, she's crying and it's just a mess! And all I did was make us both sad and we're not even together to hug it out. So we'll just be two lonely sisters crying and no one to hug. It's all so stupid! And so... as I wipe my crying face with these really great Kleenex cool touch* tissues and notice all my mascara wiped off and I probably look super cray.. I'm just gonna pull myself together, get back to work and busy myself with not missing her at all.
Then I'll message her about scheduling in a FaceTime Friday (we actually Skype now), since we missed Thursday's session (yesterday) and it's probably just our regularly scheduled talks that keep me in a sane place.
Officially missing my peace.
Love, Tam
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| no, seriously I love this Kleenex* tissue |
This song is not about sisters, but I really love it.
All I hear is raindrops
Falling on the rooftop
Oh sister tell me why'd you have to go
Cause this pain I feel
It wont go away
And today I'm officially missing you
I thought that from this heartache
I could escape
But I fronted long enough to know
There ain't no way
And today
I'm officially missing you
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Duh Tamika
Good morning. I'm just laying in bed, awake, watching tv. Mali is beside me asleep, mr. Brawner just left out for work and to drop Nae off to her job on the way. The other girls, Ki and the Jays are all in their rooms asleep, I imagine. And this bit of rare alone time gave me room for a little self reflection. I'd prob be one super wise cookie if I just had a few more of these moments but, alas, I'll just have to take what I can get... This morning.
What I am about to say, I was about to update on my FB status. Then I realized "whoaaa T, blog it!" So here I am.
It was a real "duh Tamika" moment. But I am willing to share my "duh Tamika" revelation, admitting my ignorance, in hope that my little aha moment may be helpful to someone else living in that same not just a river in Egypt...
I am the heart of my family. My mood, behavior, responses and actions set the tone for the whole family. They all require so much from me, it really only makes sense that their moods and actions are sometimes a direct reflection of my own. I have to be patient and kind. I have to be relaxed and calm. I have to be light hearted and funny. Yes, that's a lot of pressure on me. Yes, I really just want to get to lose it sometimes, but what will we gain? What are the benefits in that?
This past 30 days, I went on a quest to intentionally only say kind things to my husband. I think I failed one day, I wonder what he'd say? But on my own watch, I recall one day where my sarcasm got the best of me and I forgot my own challenge. But those other 29 days, where I only spoke kindness, were a win for my marriage. And because I'd been so awesome those other days, that one day was probably an easy pill to swallow. I'm in this FB group for black wives and we've been doing a 30 Days of Prayer for your Husband. Each day you pray over specific areas pertaining to your husband, and there's a challenge to go with it. Along with only speaking kindness to him and about him, the challenges included building him up, listening to him, complimenting him, and another 27 days of reigniting the initial spark in your love and affection. Mr. B and I are a pretty easy couple. We (he) doesn't argue at all, we have an open communication and we actually really like each other. But includin little steps into each day that required me to be intentional about my thoughts and actions towards him, made a very large difference in our marriage. He didn't change a thing. He wasn't doing his own "prayer over my wife" challenge. He didn't become an easier person, then again, he did-- but only because I changed, my intentional positive attitude made him easier. In turn, making me more patient and loving, which then reciprocated the kindness in him. I got random forehead kisses, verbal expressions of happiness, invitations to infiltrate his man time... Whoa whoa!! What's going on here? All this just because I've made a slight (lol at slight) attitude adjustment? Well, peace be still!
Lesson learned. Tamika, you are the heart. Your health is pertinent to the health of he whole body. Everyone needs you to pump love, kindness, and joy through the home, so that the rest of the body can flow in productive peace. Well duh Tamika! But knowing it and doing it and seeing the benefit firsthand? It was amazing to witness.
All this power!!! I'll try to use it wisely and not let it go to my head. :)
Of course my little Tasmanian Angel is awake now, wise self-reflected thoughts over. Back to life, back to chasing the baby tornado.
Love yall, that's my peace!
Tam
Thursday, August 14, 2014
But that's not why I'm here...
I was sitting at lunch with my coworkers yesterday. I mostly try to avoid these coworker lunches, but every once in awhile I come out of my anti-social shell and grace them with my presence. I actually got back from getting my food before most people left to get theirs and I went into the lunch room to eat, hoping to be done and out before they all returned. No such luck! So i'm in there...
You can never anticipate what lunch conversation will be. Sometimes it is quite dry and boring and they get to discussing work... pass! But more often than not, it gets quite work inappropriate and HR (if we had one) would have to work overtime. It is that bad. I'm often sitting there baffled and thinking "you can't say that!" "Did you really just say that?" Smh. But yesterday, we somehow got on the topic of marriage and somehow, I found myself in the room with 4 of my coworkers, 2 married men, 1 young, single man, 1 single white female (added the "white" for kicks, lol) and me.
Married guy #1 gets to talking about the worse part about marriage is how he can never set his own priorities. No matter what he is doing or plans to do, it isn't the right thing and his wife has something else in mind.
Married guy #2 basically completely agreed. He mentioned how he thinks he has some time and it'd be a good time for a much needed nap and his wife thinks he should go play with the kids instead, or take out the trash, or anything she thinks is more important that him napping or reading the paper or whatever it is he feels he should be doing.
I never add much to the conversation, but in my head I'm thinking... they're married to some crazies. lol! Of course there are times when my husband is doing something that, to me, is unproductive. And there are the rare occasions that I'm like "babe, are you really just sitting there playing Farm Heroes? What's for dinner?" but overall, and I spent a lot of time thinking on this, I am not controlling my husband's nap schedule or when he decides to "read the paper" or do whatever it is he considers leisure.
But that's not really why I'm here...
These husbands spent a whole hour telling this one single guy the horrors of their marriage. At one point the single guy said, "dag guys you're scaring me, I'm glad I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I won't be getting married for awhile." Now, he's only 26 I believe and should maybe wait awhile, but it really bothered me that neither one comforted him with, "my wife does try to control my schedule, but I let her because I love her and I want her to be happy. And really she's just asking for my help because she spends her time cleaning and cooking for me and our kids and taking care of whatever it is we need. So yes, I can't always do exactly what I want whenever I want, but she's worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way."
A bit much, huh? But is it really too much to give one more young man a more accurate perception of what married life is. To let him know that you may not have this young, free, reckless, messy, lonely life, but you do have responsibilities, love, joy, fun, structure, support and someone to tell you that black dress shirt is not the business. (that young single guy could really use a makeover or a wife, something!)
Anyway, that's not really why I'm here either...
at the end of this marriage bashing session, young single guys says, "at least now you have the Office Monthly Happy Hour to look forward to and get a break!" *rolls eyes* I think I may even done that forreals, along with a sarcastic "HA!"
Young, single guy: Yea Tamika, I noticed you declined.
Me: Yea, I see you guys all day and after work, I just want to spend time with my favorite people who I didn't get to see all day.
Young, single guy: But we really don't see you all day? We're working and you don't really come in here for lunch
Me: yea.
Young, single guy: ??? (kinda looked at me questioningly)
Me: By choice. I like to be by myself
Married guy #2: Tamika doesn't like us
Me: yea. No, I just... whatever. *awkward chuckle*
Single white female: she comes in to lunch, she's here now.
Young, single guy: hardly since I've been here. Maybe she just doesn't like me
Me: It was nice spending this time with you guys. *grabs trash and leaves*
no, I don't want to go to happy hour,
yes I declined it as soon as he sent it,
no I dont really like him but that's beside the point.
I really just rather be home with my family, a group of people I actually like and want to spend time with.
Yes it may seem anti-social and unfriendly.
and yes, I am fine with that. I will not be missing anything except stories I've already heard and drunk white people (and an Indian guy) throwing around the "f" word way too freely.
I just want married people, to give a true reality to young, single men especially. Tell them it's hard as crap, and you're married to a crazy, controlling woman who loves you, oils your feet, scratches your back, fixes your plate and you wouldn't have it any other way. Geesh!
And don't hang me for wanting to be home with my family that I love instead out with a bunch of whack, unhappily married white people. I may venture out to one of these Happy Hours one day, but it will not be one day soon. I may be missing an interesting, storytelling time but that's not why I'm here...
You guys have fun though!
You can never anticipate what lunch conversation will be. Sometimes it is quite dry and boring and they get to discussing work... pass! But more often than not, it gets quite work inappropriate and HR (if we had one) would have to work overtime. It is that bad. I'm often sitting there baffled and thinking "you can't say that!" "Did you really just say that?" Smh. But yesterday, we somehow got on the topic of marriage and somehow, I found myself in the room with 4 of my coworkers, 2 married men, 1 young, single man, 1 single white female (added the "white" for kicks, lol) and me.
Married guy #1 gets to talking about the worse part about marriage is how he can never set his own priorities. No matter what he is doing or plans to do, it isn't the right thing and his wife has something else in mind.
Married guy #2 basically completely agreed. He mentioned how he thinks he has some time and it'd be a good time for a much needed nap and his wife thinks he should go play with the kids instead, or take out the trash, or anything she thinks is more important that him napping or reading the paper or whatever it is he feels he should be doing.
I never add much to the conversation, but in my head I'm thinking... they're married to some crazies. lol! Of course there are times when my husband is doing something that, to me, is unproductive. And there are the rare occasions that I'm like "babe, are you really just sitting there playing Farm Heroes? What's for dinner?" but overall, and I spent a lot of time thinking on this, I am not controlling my husband's nap schedule or when he decides to "read the paper" or do whatever it is he considers leisure.
But that's not really why I'm here...
These husbands spent a whole hour telling this one single guy the horrors of their marriage. At one point the single guy said, "dag guys you're scaring me, I'm glad I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I won't be getting married for awhile." Now, he's only 26 I believe and should maybe wait awhile, but it really bothered me that neither one comforted him with, "my wife does try to control my schedule, but I let her because I love her and I want her to be happy. And really she's just asking for my help because she spends her time cleaning and cooking for me and our kids and taking care of whatever it is we need. So yes, I can't always do exactly what I want whenever I want, but she's worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way."
A bit much, huh? But is it really too much to give one more young man a more accurate perception of what married life is. To let him know that you may not have this young, free, reckless, messy, lonely life, but you do have responsibilities, love, joy, fun, structure, support and someone to tell you that black dress shirt is not the business. (that young single guy could really use a makeover or a wife, something!)
Anyway, that's not really why I'm here either...
at the end of this marriage bashing session, young single guys says, "at least now you have the Office Monthly Happy Hour to look forward to and get a break!" *rolls eyes* I think I may even done that forreals, along with a sarcastic "HA!"
Young, single guy: Yea Tamika, I noticed you declined.
Me: Yea, I see you guys all day and after work, I just want to spend time with my favorite people who I didn't get to see all day.
Young, single guy: But we really don't see you all day? We're working and you don't really come in here for lunch
Me: yea.
Young, single guy: ??? (kinda looked at me questioningly)
Me: By choice. I like to be by myself
Married guy #2: Tamika doesn't like us
Me: yea. No, I just... whatever. *awkward chuckle*
Single white female: she comes in to lunch, she's here now.
Young, single guy: hardly since I've been here. Maybe she just doesn't like me
Me: It was nice spending this time with you guys. *grabs trash and leaves*
no, I don't want to go to happy hour,
yes I declined it as soon as he sent it,
no I dont really like him but that's beside the point.
I really just rather be home with my family, a group of people I actually like and want to spend time with.
Yes it may seem anti-social and unfriendly.
and yes, I am fine with that. I will not be missing anything except stories I've already heard and drunk white people (and an Indian guy) throwing around the "f" word way too freely.
I just want married people, to give a true reality to young, single men especially. Tell them it's hard as crap, and you're married to a crazy, controlling woman who loves you, oils your feet, scratches your back, fixes your plate and you wouldn't have it any other way. Geesh!
And don't hang me for wanting to be home with my family that I love instead out with a bunch of whack, unhappily married white people. I may venture out to one of these Happy Hours one day, but it will not be one day soon. I may be missing an interesting, storytelling time but that's not why I'm here...
You guys have fun though!
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Mali, Oh Mali!
when there just aren't enough words for the amount of love and joy you feel... Happy 1st Birthday to my Mali!
But of course... I always have words. :)
Three years ago, I miscarried. I wasn't sure about more children after that. It took a LONG time and a lot of tears to heal my heart. I have never known pain like that EVER. In life. And I know pain. Getting pregnant made Jerry propose to me though, going through the loss made me love him more. Getting married made me want to be a "just us". We'd discussed not having more children. I guess I am the only one who really meant it. Jerry wanted a son, so before we even made it 6 months married I was pregnant. I didn't even get excited. I wasn't sure about it. I had all kinds of doubts and fears.I didn't want to give up being Tamika. I didn't want to have to sacrifice my freedom, my life, my relationship with my husband. I didn't want the change of having a new baby in our home, on my body...
I must've been out of my mind. I am so thankful God knew better than me.
That boy, this child, my Mali... is my whole life. Nothing about loving him and being his mother ever feels like a sacrifice. His restless nights, he constant desire to be in my arms... it is ALL my joy and pleasure. I have never been more excited to play at 3 a.m. in my life! Everything about him is perfect. His timing in my life, his smile, his bow legs, his daddy's big nose on his little face, his bright beady eyes, his wild curls, his big stinky feet, his soft little hands, his cute lips, his laugh (fake or not), his kisses, his cry (fake or not), his hugs, his will, his defiance, his mischievous little grin when he's up to no good... he's so cute and so funny and my heart is so full. Being Malakai's mom is the greatest, most wonderful feeling. I am so sad he is not still my precious little baby, needing to be carried and held. But I am also so proud of his independence, his learning, watching him explore and grow and figure things out.
His life is a blessing to my entire soul, my entire being. I thank God for Mali. I thank God for giving him to me and letting me be his mother. This job, this one year has changed me so much. Who knew so much love even existed? Now I know.
It's funny how things work out. Two years ago I was discussing not having children, last year I was pregnant, this year I am the mom to a wonderful one year old... The faster he grows, the more I want to have another just to have those moments again. And at the same time, I just want to have this ONE! So that every moment of me is his and doesn't have to share his moments. Plus now that dad has his son, and I'm so consumed with being Mali's mom, the "no more children" tables have turned. HA!
Today, I celebrate my sweet baby boy turning one year old. #bittersweet
But of course... I always have words. :)
Three years ago, I miscarried. I wasn't sure about more children after that. It took a LONG time and a lot of tears to heal my heart. I have never known pain like that EVER. In life. And I know pain. Getting pregnant made Jerry propose to me though, going through the loss made me love him more. Getting married made me want to be a "just us". We'd discussed not having more children. I guess I am the only one who really meant it. Jerry wanted a son, so before we even made it 6 months married I was pregnant. I didn't even get excited. I wasn't sure about it. I had all kinds of doubts and fears.I didn't want to give up being Tamika. I didn't want to have to sacrifice my freedom, my life, my relationship with my husband. I didn't want the change of having a new baby in our home, on my body...
I must've been out of my mind. I am so thankful God knew better than me.
That boy, this child, my Mali... is my whole life. Nothing about loving him and being his mother ever feels like a sacrifice. His restless nights, he constant desire to be in my arms... it is ALL my joy and pleasure. I have never been more excited to play at 3 a.m. in my life! Everything about him is perfect. His timing in my life, his smile, his bow legs, his daddy's big nose on his little face, his bright beady eyes, his wild curls, his big stinky feet, his soft little hands, his cute lips, his laugh (fake or not), his kisses, his cry (fake or not), his hugs, his will, his defiance, his mischievous little grin when he's up to no good... he's so cute and so funny and my heart is so full. Being Malakai's mom is the greatest, most wonderful feeling. I am so sad he is not still my precious little baby, needing to be carried and held. But I am also so proud of his independence, his learning, watching him explore and grow and figure things out.
His life is a blessing to my entire soul, my entire being. I thank God for Mali. I thank God for giving him to me and letting me be his mother. This job, this one year has changed me so much. Who knew so much love even existed? Now I know.
It's funny how things work out. Two years ago I was discussing not having children, last year I was pregnant, this year I am the mom to a wonderful one year old... The faster he grows, the more I want to have another just to have those moments again. And at the same time, I just want to have this ONE! So that every moment of me is his and doesn't have to share his moments. Plus now that dad has his son, and I'm so consumed with being Mali's mom, the "no more children" tables have turned. HA! Today, I celebrate my sweet baby boy turning one year old. #bittersweet
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