Thursday, August 4, 2016

Korryn Gaines "you think you know, but you have no idea. This is the diary..."

I knew her. She wasn't crazy. She was just (too) intelligent, (recklessly) conscious, self serving, narcissistic, destructive... Only difference was she was a he and I spent 8 years fascinated and terrified by him. I would tell y'all a story about how a regular "police, non-criminal" situation, rather quickly, escalated to a "SWAT, whole building fogged and doors being rammed in" situation-- but that was a different lifetime ago and "law-abiding, here's my license and registration, how can I help you officer?" FB not ready to hear that bedtime story. Almost had the story voided from my own memories until this.
Well-- It happens. and SWAT is not there to have guns aimed at them. I imagine my story would've ended a little differently had SWAT been threatened with a visible gun by an occupant of the residence. Nah, they didn't have to kill her. But she didn't have to go all GI Jane, I'm ready to die, rogue either. And knowing the police like we do, what did you think would happen? "That dog bites!" And you put your hand in its mouth anyway? 
And I'm not one of those "just comply" people. Someone dying is never gonna be OK with me, but in this particular case-- the "crazy" person got shot. Man running out the back with one year old-- yea that's me. Then again, maybe I was more like the 5 year old. I was right there and I still have the battle wounds from a fight that wasn't mine.
Maybe they targeted her, she definitely didn't deserve to die and I am sure they could've contained the situation without killing her :(. I wasn't in that house-- I wish it had turned out differently. But feeling how I feel about what I feel. And seeing her in the car during the police stop, hearing her words, having witness to her attitude-- it was so familiar. It curdled something inside me, reminder of a way I once felt. So I have this unpopular, biased view of the situation. Life.

This ended up here cause I could not sleep, it consumed me so much. I had to get it out somewhere, cause... restlessness. I don't even think Mr. B has ever heard this story. I for sure told it to my brother when it happened, and maybe as an interesting "have you ever been arrested?" story at a party among my closest friends. No, I wasn't officially arrested, but I was in the back of a police car in handcuffs. And I was in an interrogation room for hours being, well... interrogated.
It really was another life ago though. It happened to a different Tamika. I try to let my new life's memories slowly consume and replace the ones from that other life. But watching her videos brought it all back. The assertive arrogance, the belligerence, the willingness to "justifiably" turn a nothing into something. I could hear his voice. Police: Open the door!
Him: Don't you open that door! And if they come in, fight! Don't say anything, Don't be afraid. They ain't $hit, fcuk them...

Have you ever been a willing hostage? Was I terrified? Certainly. Or maybe, by then, I'd become numb to the fear I felt. Accommodating? Unfortunately so. Know who else was there, listening to the wrong enemy? His mother. Maybe she was the man who ran out the back, and I was the kid-- for sure. Was there a gun in the house? Yes. Was it pointed at SWAT when they came in? Thankfully not.

But all you law abiding citizens, who's hardest woes have been-- idk. I don't want to minimize your woes. But it baffles me how you have so much insight on something you've never experienced. Eat your dinner and go to bed-- and be thankful that you can.

Glad this isn't in my Timehop memories-- *goes back to forgetting* except now it will be, and maybe that's ok.

Oh this peace...


I texted my brother my thoughts in the middle of the night cause I had to share them-- somewhere. With someone who cared, understood... knows. And he texted me back...

I think u told me before. And I actually forgot about it too so I see how you ALMOST did. I have a story that I've wanted to tell fb too about police killings but I don't want them to think I'm crazy. Every time someone gets shot and police officers act like its so impossible and there's more to the story... 
I wanna be like I KNOW there's TONS of officers who join the force for the power to kill and get away with it. I know this because I was one of those people. Not just to kill whoever recklessly, but I had one specific person in mind. I had the ability to do it without becoming an officer. But with the way courts treat regular black people. Why would I risk spending life in prison? 
I didn't wanna pull people over everyday, work in hoods arresting people strikingly similar to the people I grew up with, or risk my life everyday for the betterment of the community. I just wanted to help my sister. I knew she was in an unsafe relationship, I knew he owned a gun and kept it in the house they lived in together, and I knew police officers were allowed to carry wherever, whenever and use deadly force if necessary. I kept this secret plan wrapped so tight that not even my CLOSEST friends know that's why I used to want to be an officer of the law. I kept it so tight that the person I wanted to kill would SEND me police jobs when he noticed certain departments were hiring. That's pretty scary. But I knew I was smart enough to devise a plan as an officer where I could have killed him and completely acted like I was just saving my sister in the heat of the moment. If her relationship lasted that long, I would've been another one of those murderers going home Scott free that you guys complain about on here everyday. If I was capable of devising such a plan and that being my sole purpose of becoming a cop, and I'm black... what makes you think with all the racism in the country, with all the possible KKK members in the police force, they aren't happy to wake up and kill a nigga on any given day. 

Since we were sharing stories that we aren't sure can make it on fb 🙃. I love you lol

he's told me this story before, but I "forgot" this story too. It just doesn't live in the forefront of my memories, like it maybe should. But whenever I look at him, I just love him and I know he has my back. I was telling Mr. B just the other day that my younger brother feels this responsibility for me that I will never understand. I appreciate it though. Having a younger brother and bigger brother all in one.. so when you look at my family and see how much I love them and care about them, here's a little insight to why. We roll tough-- K-K- K- Key unit! lolol

(He did not give me permission to post this)

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