Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Mali, Oh Mali!

when there just aren't enough words for the amount of love and joy you feel... Happy 1st Birthday to my Mali!

But of course... I always have words. :) 

Three years ago, I miscarried. I wasn't sure about more children after that. It took a LONG time and a lot of tears to heal my heart. I have never known pain like that EVER. In life. And I know pain. Getting pregnant made Jerry propose to me though, going through the loss made me love him more. Getting married made me want to be a "just us". We'd discussed not having more children. I guess I am the only one who really meant it. Jerry wanted a son, so before we even made it 6 months married I was pregnant. I didn't even get excited. I wasn't sure about it. I had all kinds of doubts and fears.I didn't want to give up being Tamika. I didn't want to have to sacrifice my freedom, my life, my relationship with my husband. I didn't want the change of having a new baby in our home, on my body...
 I must've been out of my mind. I am so thankful God knew better than me. 
That boy, this child, my Mali... is my whole life. Nothing about loving him and being his mother ever feels like a sacrifice. His restless nights, he constant desire to be in my arms... it is ALL my joy and pleasure. I have never been more excited to play at 3 a.m. in my life! Everything about him is perfect. His timing in my life, his smile, his bow legs, his daddy's big nose on his little face, his bright beady eyes, his wild curls, his big stinky feet, his soft little hands, his cute lips, his laugh (fake or not), his kisses, his cry (fake or not), his hugs, his will, his defiance, his mischievous little grin when he's up to no good... he's so cute and so funny and my heart is so full. Being Malakai's mom is the greatest, most wonderful feeling. I am so sad he is not still my precious little baby, needing to be carried and held. But I am also so proud of his independence, his learning, watching him explore and grow and figure things out. 

His life is a blessing to my entire soul, my entire being. I thank God for Mali. I thank God for giving him to me and letting me be his mother. This job, this one year has changed me so much. Who knew so much love even existed? Now I know. 

It's funny how things work out. Two years ago I was discussing not having children, last year I was pregnant, this year I am the mom to a wonderful one year old... The faster he grows, the more I want to have another just to have those moments again. And at the same time, I just want to have this ONE! So that every moment of me is his and doesn't have to share his moments. Plus now that dad has his son, and I'm so consumed with being Mali's mom, the "no more children" tables have turned. HA! 

Today, I celebrate my sweet baby boy turning one year old. #bittersweet 

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