Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Through Her Eyes!

Good Morning! I am feeling good after this long weekend. I must say, it was filled with good times, good people, and some relaxation. It was also enough time for kids to drive me crazy! One in particular... Kai! I love my baby, but she can be a nerve wrecker sometimes. I have to admit, that I sometimes lose my patience with her (no judgement, I'm trying to work on it). I'm just so hard on her, too hard on her at times. But I am working on doing better at being more understanding. I have to remind myself, she is only 11 and it is my job to navigate her through this world. She doesn't know everything and isn't always going to do the right thing, but it's my responsibility to help her, guide her, support her, nurture her... love her. It's my job, but it's my first time mothering an 11 year old Kai, and I am not going to do it perfectly. Sometimes I mess up...

Just this weekend, she had a moment where she required some discipline. This isn't a rare moment in our home, she's a wild child. But she seemed as though she felt the discipline was undeserved. After I did reprimand her, she began to cry. Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is a rare occurrence! That girl never cries. And instead of practicing grace and compassion, I felt annoyed. "Like, really? You are the one acting up and driving me crazy, so why are you crying? I should be the one crying!" I continued to scold her, demand she stop crying and pretty much threatened to give her a real reason to cry. I felt like a crazy person and I'm sure my behavior did nothing to help the way she was already feeling. Did she do something wrong? Did she deserve the reprimand? Yes! Did I take it way too far though? Did I forget to offer her some grace and show her mercy? Did I feel horrible after? Absolutely YES!

I felt beyond horrible after, especially after I have been praying for her to be more emotional. She is a wall of closed up emotions, she is angry instead of sad, mad instead of hurt... just never in touch with her true emotion. And the moment she cried, I forgot my own prayer for her and instead became upset. Of course I didn't think the moment warranted a cry, but who am I to say? I am sure my disappointment with her and my tongue lashing was enough to hurt her feelings (I have a mouth that could make a grown man cry and a stare that can paralyze), even if she was wrong and deserved it. But as her mother, I should have given her a break. I should've allowed her to feel what she felt, without any punishment or judgement... especially as much as I cry when my feelings are hurt. No, I did not hurt her physically but I remember my own words as a child. "You hurt my feelings." And that can feel just as bad, if not worse than any physical pain. No my rough around the edges daughter, wouldn't say that, but I should have known (better). And I should have responded to her better. Lord, help me to see the situation through her eyes. She is just a little Tamika :)  and in that situation, I would have wanted grace. I should have given her the same. I pray there is a next time and I have a second chance. I pray I did not cause her to feel like her crying was wrong. I pray that she forgives me for not being more understanding. I pray I did not permanently crush her beautiful spirit. I did apologize to her. I want her to know mommies aren't perfect either, but I can admit when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness. But I think I want to apologize again and have a little talk with her. I love her so much and I just want to be "in the army" when it comes to mothering her... (the best I can be, get it?) lol. Pray for me as I do this thing called life... it is NOT easy. She is such a little blessing and I just want to return the favor:
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her (Proverbs 31:28).

I hope everyone takes a little something from this post. Parenting isn't always going to be a smooth easy, bump and pot hole free ride... especially as they get older, but I hope no one feels alone in their journey. And as long as we don't get into any major head on collisions, I think we'll all be ok. Keep your GPS close and stay the course. Maybe we should carpool :)
Enjoy the rest of this short work week and hug your kids for me when you get home.

That's my peace!
Love, Tam

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