Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Ask Jerry?

Good afternoon gang! I wasn't going to post anything today, but life happened and it gave me a topic. It's just a regular Tuesday, I'm sitting at my desk and Kai calls me. "Mommy, can I sit on our porch and do homework with Savannah and Amber?"
This question seems simple enough to answer, right? It is a nice day, she's simply wants to do homework with two of her friends (that I have met). They are both nice, well behaved young ladies that get good grades themselves... it's simple. But my answer: ???????? "Ask Jerry!" lol
This isn't where you thought this was going, was it? haha. Thought I was gonna say something about pedophiles, or worry whether she will be ok outside while I'm not home, or concern of them copying or anything like that... nope! My problems are bigger than that (not really, but kinda). As this scenario is playing out, my initial answer was,  "Sure Kai, go ahead." Then I may have gone on about behaving herself, and knowing the rules, and... blah blah. Just the regular parental guidance I give, so she can't say I didn't say not to. But no, "ask Jerry." He is off work today, maybe he was home, maybe he wasn't... idk. But I have to take into consideration his opinion and instead of being the middle man, I sent her straight to the source. This is all in an effort to effectively and purposefully establish the chain of command. Now, I am new at this. I am not from a blended family. When my mom and dad divorced, yes my mom moved on (kinda) but she never remarried, nor did I ever have to establish a real relationship with a "new father". I am about to admit something (shocking)... I don't know what I'm doing!!! I don't know if I am going about this the right way, I don't know if I am contributing to raising a healthy, well adjusted child or if I am (for lack of better term)... drastically mucking her up for life!
There are plenty of happy daughter/step father relationships out there, but how? What did they do different. I only hear of the ones where the daughters are rebellious and unhappy. I don't want that for my daughter. I don't want to just let her fall by the wayside feeling like she was treated unfair or unloved. I want my Kai, just as she is, for the rest of her life. I want to know I did right by her! And then again, I don't want her thinking she has it so good that Jerry doesn't need to be respected. I don't want her thinking "my mommy always has my back so I can do or say whatever I want to Jerry. He's not my daddy." And knowing her like I do, she is not far from this attitude. Oh! don't get me wrong, they get along and have their own thing but sometimes she can get out of line and I have to check her! But... I don't want to have to forever, I want the love and respect to just be there. And I need to know how I do it. I pray about this everyday. I know God is hearing me, but is there more I can/ should be doing? Some book I should be reading? That's why we need "Tam Talk", someone knows how to help me get through this but where is the platform to speak on it?
This weekend, Kai wanted to know if a friend could come over. In my mind, my answer is yes. But actual my answer: "ask Jerry". And she accepts this with no problem, but is it overkill? (does she accept it so readily because Jerry tends to always say yes? What if he said no? Would she have a conniption?) Should I be asking Jerry for her? Should I just be giving my answer without Jerry consultation all the time? *sighs* Just so many questions. Maybe there is no right way, maybe my proactive awareness is a good first step, maybe prayer and love will cover it. I just don't want to mess up! I am really concerned, can you tell? Things appear all good right now, but I don't want to be caught up on how it seems, I don't want to be at the point where it's beyond fixing. I want help before I NEED the help and it's too late.
I am going to attempt to form a panel and get some answers! Are you currently blending a family, are you the product of a blended family, the friend of a member of a blended family, do you have a blender? lol Do you have any thought on this at all? HELP! There should really be a help group for this... do I hear a topic for Tam Talk?

That's my peace!

Love, Tam


  1. Well, they already have a positive relationship which is good. All the questions you have are normal, and are very good concerns. But, DO NOT ask Jerry for her…she needs to ask on her own. You telling her to ask Jerry was good. He is the man of the house and in both your lives now. And she will definitely have a conniption the first time he says NO, so be ready…lol! If you haven’t already, have a chat with her about adjusting to new things/rules(parenting that is). You will blend just fine.

    1. You are not everdoing the ask Jerry. Keep it up. Eventually, she will ask Jerry first. Are you ready for that? Just keep praying for your blended family to work together and to love each other. The Lord answers prayer, but you have to listen to him. Life is not easy or perfect for anyone one.

  2. I am not expecting perfection, I just dont want to have it rough (in the long run) if there's something I can be doing to prevent it.

  3. Hey Tam Tam…adding to my 1st comment. There’s no one way to prepare. Kids go through so many different changes. She may just get mad one day, because you tell her to ask Jerry. Even though she hasn’t before. Go with it…You are a good mother, and those motherly instincts on what to do next will kick right in. Blend on girl! :-) Suz.

  4. Thanks Suz! :) you're right! I'll just keep doing my best, praying for the best and allow God to handle the rest!


    I was a child in a blended family. My father married another lady, and when they combined families, I felt like that stepchild. I don't thnk it was intentional, but that's exactly how I felt. It wasn't until 15 years after (once they broke up & divorced), that my father and I actually spoke about this. By this time I was an adult, but it still hurt. For a few years he was the "dad" that I wanted him to be... and then he started dating again. Once he started getting more comfortable with this lady, and they even talked marriage, her sisters got into and told him to stop treating me like a child. Ummmm, seriously haters!? LOL! But it's all good. It made me grow up. I just don't like how they said something about it, and he automatically went along with it.

    But now, I'm blending my family. My daughter doesn't have a relationship with her dad, she loves him and wants to spend time with him, but he doesn't. If he does, his actions are speaking way louder. My BF now adores my daughter. I was touched as a child, and that still to this day affected me. He knows this, and is on the same page as me... thinks those guys should rot in ____! He's proved to me over and over again that he's better than that. I thank God for him! I love the relationship that he has with my daughter. But my daughter sometimes *tries* him. He tells me that he doesn't want to have to live like that. Her *trying* him in her later years. I'm sure it'll happen... but I want her to respect him like a father.

    At the end of the day, all we can do is pray for the best! God will do handle it! ;-) Good luck to you! Again, I loved this!!!

    1. thanks Miss Ki! I dont want to be that mom that disregards Kai's feelings, but I dont want her to think she's always going to get her way either. I just need to find a middle ground and trust God. Kai doesnt have a relationship with her dad either and my hope is that she'll let Jerry play that role, especially since he is so willing. But she is NOT having it at all! I wish she could just see how it will benefit her in the long run, but she is only 11. One day she will be 25 and wonder what it couldve been like had she just cooperated. Right now I am just respecting her wishes and praying for her heart change. A father/daughter relationship is pivotal to a girl's whole mindset. Hope it all works out for us both. Hopefully, Stabs has more of a chance b/c she's not as old and as set in her ways, then again... we never know. You are in my prayers!

  6. and just to keep you updated:

    I get home and find out she never even asked Jerry! She walked in the house, J was laying on the couch... she says "my mom said I can sit on the porch and do my homework."
    Oh! I was heated!!! But of course, J played good cop and talked her out of getting a more severe punishment!" I'll let him play good cop to my bad cop when it comes to her, I like being bad cop :)

  7. Thanks Tam! I hope Kai has a change of heart also... I don't think she's stuck in her ways, but it seems like it'll just take some time for her to get used to him. As long as he's consistent, I think he has a good shot!
    Stabs started calling my BF her daddy... I think it was sounding too weird to her, because she often goes back to calling him by his name. LOL! It was cute while it lasted and I'm sure once her little sister gets here, she'll go back to doing it.