Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Too Perfect to Apologize

Good Afternoon! I haven't written anything in weeks! What's going on with everyone? Happy First Day of Spring!!! I am having a good day, but I felt like I've been neglecting my blog... I'm not reading anything, I don't want to keep venting about my wedding planning frustrations and that's really the only thing new going on in my life. I had a great weekend, spent a nice relaxing Saturday with my friend Kiwi... girl stuff, you know! Let my little Nae fly the coop a little and hang at a friend's house, let my Kai have a friend over. I guess this weekend was about girl friendships... and oh a topic sits on fingertips, just waiting to be typed out. But I don't think its ready yet. I think it needs to brew a little... namtalmbout?

But just so you're not left to wonder... girl/ women friendships are a disaster! FOR NO GOOD REASON... if you feel any conviction, no I'm not talking about you, but maybe I am (or should be). I have been on the listening side of way too many women complaining about their other women friendships (hopefully someone isn't saying these same things about me somewhere, am I saying these things about someone?) Anywhoozle... why can't we all just get along? There will be problems, situations, disagreements... but why do we have so much trouble talking about them rationally, apologizing and forgiving? Why does one incident have to be the demise of years of friendship? It just doesn't make any sense! Why can't we, as women, communicate with each other openly and honestly without offense? Why?
I am concerned for us... no, really. I am worried for the state of women friendships everywhere. Yes, some of us have it figured out. We can have an issue and recover, but why isn't that the consensus across the board? What do these men know, that some of us women don't? They aren't smarter than us, how come they've managed to figure out how to continue a relationship healthily after a dispute? They are putting us women to shame, we should be ashamed! It is possible... I believe in us!

The problem? Maybe we are (or think we are) too smart. Everyone has an argument that they can substantiate with their own claims/ versions of why the should be offended or how someone did them wrong. We don't spend enough time walking in each other's shoes and then offering compassion. We don't own up to our own issues and we blame others, then expect others to know exactly how they should handle our issues. You are the one with the issue! All of you, both of you! Every single last one of US! YET... we don't even see it. "I can do no wrong, she should have..." We expect to read each other's minds then respond accordingly. Am I being harsh? Well! We are petty and immature. All we need is to practice a little compassion, communication and connection. We need to keep apologies locked and loaded in the holster  and forgiveness should be just as readily available. Why are we too proud to offer an apology? You don't have to have done something wrong to apologize (that is a misconception). Maybe you did something (without intending any harm) that hurt or offended someone you care about. If you cared about them, an apology should not even be a second thought. "I am sorry that what I did hurt you. It was not my intention to cause you any pain. I see that I have, and for that I sincerely apologize. Our relationship is too important for me not to apologize for something I did that was in any way harmful to you. I love you and I'm sorry." It is as simple as that. But too often, it's "but she..." and "I didn't do anything..." or "why is she even mad about that?" And there we have it, friendships that will never be mended because everyone is too perfect to apologize. Relationship destroyed over simple, minuscule offenses. Is it worth it? Someone has to decide to be the bigger person. "Why do I always have to be the bigger person?" Why not be? Is it worth it to you? Would you rather leave this relationship unmended... maybe you don't care! You have other meaningful friendships that you can rely on, right? You don't necessarily need this person... well, I sure hope not. I'm not even going to go into the fact that it isn't pleasing to God... all that can be for another day. I love you all and I just want us to do better.

I did say that I was going to let this brew a little, right? Well I guess it's brewed long enough... tea anyone?
This is, for certain, my unedited unprepared insight on this. It kinda just typed itself out... but no worries, I have read The Five Languages of Apology and I have women friends... I am an expert! :) lolololololol

But no really, you can call me Dr. Tam, or even better yet A Peace of Tam, Ph.D.

Wait until I get all this wedding foolishness out the way! (Upon J's approval) I am going to host a Women's Brunch/Lunch so we can talk, heal and mend!  

Love you all MUCHO!

(that's my "I'm a Dr." Peace)  Love, Tam aka "Dr. Peace"


  1. An elementary school counselor was just talking about girls and conflict at a birthday party I went to this weekend. She said little boys will literally let it go, but little girls will say it's over but later the same issue rears its ugly head! I guess we start out CRAZY!!

  2. So we're hopeless? OH NO!!! lol
    I still believe in us as a species =]