earlier this week, I realized my Kai daughter was driving me to a new level of crazy.
She has so much expectation of what I'm supposed to do for her, then tries to guilt me into doing it. All this week, I have not been feeling well, and she has had 1,000,000 requests that just felt like too much. It wasn't necessarily the requests that were bothering me, it was her delivery, her expectation, her lack of compassion, and then her response when I wasn't doing what she expected. I don't usually mind her pouting, I'm used to it. But I kept walking away from these exchanges feeling like I was in the wrong, quite fed up and questioning why I felt no compassion or desire to carry out her requests. I would just walk away, feeling mild distress, then proceed with my day. She wasn't learning anything from our exchanges, and I was just becoming frustrated and annoyed with her. Something had to give...
"Mommy I need a skirt."
Ok, I'm sure you don't need it today. We'll go looking this weekend.
But mommy, I need it for tomorrow.
Tomorrow will be warm, but not that warm. And then it will be back cold for the rest of the week. it can wait and I'd really just like to go home and lay down for a bit.
Omg, mom! *sigh, huff, puff, shutdown*
Me: left wondering why in the world do I feel like the bad guy. Yes, I am her mother, it is my job to provide for her, but not at the expense of my health for something she decided she wanted last minute. I just left it alone, drove home, and tried to like her for the rest of the evening.
Then it happens again and again and again, same child, same scenario, just different request. Then this last time...
Wednesday, 7:45 a.m.
Kai: Mom, I need something to eat.
Me: Kai there is plenty of things to eat in the kitchen, have whatever you want.
Kai: No, mom. I have MSA today, so lunch will be super late and we are allowed to bring snacks. I need snacks or I will be hungry.
Me: Why are you just telling me this? I'm sure there is something down there you can turn... (into a snack)
Kai: *walks away before I am done talking*
Me: left wondering why I feel like the bad guy AGAIN. Yes, I am her mother, it is my job to provide for her, but not at the expense of being late to work for her last minute requests for snacks. I just walked away to my room to put the finishing touches on getting ready to leave. But then it hit me, I should go knock some sense into her. LOLOL! Figuratively, not literally. As much as I just wanted to knock her out, she needed to be schooled on why these exchanges were never going her way, and why I could just walk away from her eventually unaffected. She needed some sense, figuratively, knocked into her.
I walk to her room, and tap the door open and then announce; "I am going to say something." (I have been very dramatic about announcing my parental speeches, it makes them feel more official)
"I am going to say something, and I want you to listen carefully. (trying to remember what I said because I am still quite sick and my brain isn't working at full capacity. In brief...) Yes, I am your mother and it is my job to take care of you. But you need to realize that you are already well taken care of and all the things you have wanted lately, are extra. EXTRA. I don't have to do it. And I see that it bothers you when I am unwilling to go out of my way for you, but I currently feel no compassion for you. (Harsh Mom!) BUT... it is your own fault. I am a generous person, I go out my way for people all the time. I like to do things for other people, you need to question to why I have no problem ignoring what you want. Why I have no desire to do things for you, the daughter I LOVE?
It is your delivery... it sucks! It is your lack of compassion for me, how I feel and what I am currently doing. It is your expectation. I do not owe you anything! Stop coming to me expecting me to guess what you want, then expecting me to offer to do something you never even asked me to do. Mommy I need food, is not a request. Try instead, 'Mommy, I see you're busy and have to go soon but do you think you have time to take me to store so I can get snacks for MSA? I'm sorry I didn't ask sooner, I forgot. I would really appreciate it.' That is a decent request. It is a requests that asks me something directly, shows your compassion for my time and takes responsibility for why I may possibly say no. Stop being a selfish 13 year old and learn to communicate effectively and unselfishly. You are not always going to get your way with me, but you will have a much better chance if you approach me better. I should not have to walk away from our exchanges feeling like you are trying to manipulate and guilt trip me into doing something you want. And then feel badly when I don't entertain your guilt trip. It is not working, I do not like it. Stop doing it please."
Pack your bags we're going on a guilt trip! (I heard this line in a movie recently, I chuckled.)
She didn't have much to say after that. I went and got her some snacks just because I am the Queen of Grace (that's not blasphemous, is it?) and I like to show her I am still kind to her even though she doesn't deserve it. I am working to teach her to be a better human being. I have to practice what I preach. (dang it! Sometimes I just want to be "Michael Jackson" BAD)
I posted this because I was proud of a text she just sent me "Mommy, could you take me to Family Dollar when you get home? If you don't mind. I would really appreciate it."
and I replied with a simple "Yes." Lord knows, I don't feel like it now. But I would be a real idiot to teach a whole lesson, then she not see the fruit of her doing what I asked. She asked ahead of time, she had a clear desire, she took into consideration my time and how I felt AND showed some gratitude??? WHAT?? Jesus is real!
That's my "I working on us both being better people" peace!
xoxo Tam
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
The Grass Ain't Greener and The Snow Ain't Whiter Either...
I was watching my husband shovel our driveway this morning. And it just made me want to go out there and tackle his fine ass in the snow.
I didn't, but it had me thinking...
Women have all these expectations of men. Usually these gender specific designated role expectations. My future husband is going to take out the trash, shovel the snow, clean off my car, his car... And with all that, he's also gotta work all day, come home and rub my feet, sit and talk, share his feelings and play with the kids. He can't play video games, talk on the phone to his friends or leave his shoes in the kitchen. Wait... while I'm mid annoying bitch naggin, he also can't snore and has to take me on a date at least once a week and listen to all the events of my day without offering any solutions cause I don't want help, I just want to complain.
UPDATE: Where was I going with this? The blogs I start but never finish... *clicks Publish* lol
UPDATE: Where was I going with this? The blogs I start but never finish... *clicks Publish* lol
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
You'll Accept Anybody
I was chatting with a friend recently, and she said
something to me that keeps replaying in my head… “You’ll accept anybody.” I
laughed when she said it then, and every time I think of it, I chuckle again.
Let me give you the scenario…
I don’t see her that often and we were just sitting, playing
catch up on each other’s lives. She’d ask how’s so and so... and I’d respond,
“I don’t talk to them much. They've been busy with blah blah and blah but
they’re good.” She mentioned someone else that I’d had a mild falling out with,
and asked how they were. “She’s fine.”
Her: You still talk to her?
Me: Yes, why not? What they did was a mild
shock to my system, but I’m not taking it personal. I've recovered, we’re cool.
Her: You’ll accept anybody.
Me: ha!!!
For the record, I won’t accept anybody… I’m sorry I don’t live up to that
assessment of me. I've set a small standard for the people in my life. I'm not out here accepting foolishness and letting folk take advantage of my kindness. BUT... I do accept a lot from people, especially if it's not hurting me.
I’m not BFF’s with
everybody… but when I friend you, I FRIEND YOU! I don’t just write a blog
telling people what they should do… One Olive Branch At A Time, Too Perfect To Apologize & So I Read (a post about forgiveness)… I am working daily to live it. I meet people where they are and accept
them for who they are and what they offer. I’m not losing anything in being
friends with you. I definitely would not gain anything by cutting people off,
deciding I can no longer make time for you, or being selfish and choosing to
not participate in your life just because you’re not always available for mine.
Am I losing? Or are you?
I learned not to count on anyone’s time, presence, or phone
calls for my joy. You didn't call? It’s OK, I am here for when you do. I
understand that the world does not revolve around me. I understand people have
lives of their own, and sometimes they get lost in them. I understand time
slips away, you get busy, moody, withdrawn, or just lazy and can’t always be
what someone needs (scratch that!) wants. But who am I to decide that whatever you’re doing, going
through, dealing with isn't enough that you can’t make time for other things?
Who am I?
What I also understand… sometimes life happens. And often, life is
crappy when it does happens. What if someone were dealing with something so painful
and scary that they just couldn't reach out? Maybe they’re hurting and sad…
what kind of person would I be that I decide to cut them off because they
weren't there for me? I am not that self-involved. It’s my responsibility to be
here, just in case.
What if I were the only person someone felt they could talk
to about something they were going through, but because I am too blinded by
“but she wasn't there for me!” and had cut them off, that they felt they couldn't come to me? I just don’t
want to be that person.
I understand relationships shouldn't be one sided. It's give and take, 50/50, scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. But maybe that's where we mess up. I'm going to give 100, I'm going to be here compensating for when you're at 0 and I won't be keeping score. What
am I gaining by not accepting you for just who you are and what you have to
offer? Nothing! We're losing out on friendships by acting like a bunch of self involved, "it's all about me" losers. Find joy, stop thinking the worse of everyone and have some compassion instead. Then ask yourself, "Why is my joy placed in their actions?" I just can't get in my feelings every time someone doesn't do something I hoped for, or expected. My God is greater…
It's all about loving people without any conditions. Maybe I can't count on you... but just like I tell my 13 year old. "You are responsible for your actions," just as I am responsible for mine. And I can't stand before God and said, "Lord, but she didn't..."
God: Well, what did you do Tamika?
I want to be able to say, "Lord, I did my part."
So yes, if it appears as though I'll "accept anybody," then I'll take that! I still thinks it's funny though. I'll accept you for just who you are and where you are without any conditions. I'm not expecting you to do anything for me, and I am here when you need me. And I'm certain that even if I don't see the benefit here on earth, my reward is in Heaven.
It kinda makes me wonder though... what's everybody else out here doing? Slicing people off at the knee caps left and right? Geesh! I don't want to stand out so much. How about we all work to be good people, you're making me look like the weirdo for doing the right thing. I don't like that. LOL
Love you like a play cousin (cause I accept anybody)
That's my peace! Love, Tam
P.S. I'm glad folk can see the good in me, but wait until I write that post about what I do NOT accept. #Itsamuchbiggerlist. #IknowImnotallthat. #itstheGodinme #Istillneedimprovement #growingdaily
UPDATE: This morning I was doing a Good Morning Girls devotional, and the scripture for the day was Hebrews 12:1...
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"
And it just felt like confirmation. I wrote that I don't want to stand out by doing the right thing. Not saying that I don't want to do the right thing anymore, I just want every one else to be doing the right thing as well. But this scripture confirms that I am running the race marked for me. And although it may not be easy, I need to persevere. I am "surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, " people are watching what I do. I can't be hindered or let sin entangle me.
Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." I will continue to run on. :)
UPDATE: This morning I was doing a Good Morning Girls devotional, and the scripture for the day was Hebrews 12:1...
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"
And it just felt like confirmation. I wrote that I don't want to stand out by doing the right thing. Not saying that I don't want to do the right thing anymore, I just want every one else to be doing the right thing as well. But this scripture confirms that I am running the race marked for me. And although it may not be easy, I need to persevere. I am "surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, " people are watching what I do. I can't be hindered or let sin entangle me.
Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." I will continue to run on. :)
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
I Never Win... But You Should!
I NEVER WIN!!! I often do those Facebook/Twitter/Instagram giveaways... Blogs and companies giving a way a bunch of awesome things. I do everything it takes to be the winner... tweet this, comment here, like that, share this... but I NEVER WIN!
There was a giveaway that I entered just this week that had 50 winners. I know thousands of people entered and my chances were still slim, but 50 winners? And I wasn't one of them? Sucks! But I haven't given up, one day will be my day. But in the mean time, in between time...
I was sitting here thinking, there are probably some other people out here who feel the same way. I'm not the only one entering giveaway after giveaway and always walking away feeling like an unlucky loser. It had me thinking, in the grand scheme of things, I've got it good! I can't complain about not winning something that I never needed anyway. Sure it would be nice to win, but truth be told, I have everything I NEED and them some! And relishing in that, made me want to bless someone else. I was trying to think of something I could have a giveaway for...
I don't have much, I'm not balling out of control, I don't have sponsors handing me things to just give away. But what I do have, though it's not much, I think it's pretty awesome. And in the spirit of Valentine's Day, it'd be perfect for a giveaway.
I love these earrings so much, I gift them to all my favorite people. I love wearing them and because I'm not selfish and want to share the greatness of them, I love seeing them on others. I can't keep the fab all to myself!
So here's your chance to win a pair of my favorite earrings. A fab, shiny, brand new pair of crystal heart earrings! Sorry you won't have them in time for Valentine's Day, but these are my absolute favorite go-to, everyday earrings, perfect for any occasion!
How to win them? Hmmm...
1. Just comment on this blog post telling me about your favorite go-to accessory
And for extra entries...
a Rafflecopter giveaway
I hope I can make another "I never win" person a winner! Good luck!!
That's my "I love giveaways" peace!
Love, Tam
There was a giveaway that I entered just this week that had 50 winners. I know thousands of people entered and my chances were still slim, but 50 winners? And I wasn't one of them? Sucks! But I haven't given up, one day will be my day. But in the mean time, in between time...
I was sitting here thinking, there are probably some other people out here who feel the same way. I'm not the only one entering giveaway after giveaway and always walking away feeling like an unlucky loser. It had me thinking, in the grand scheme of things, I've got it good! I can't complain about not winning something that I never needed anyway. Sure it would be nice to win, but truth be told, I have everything I NEED and them some! And relishing in that, made me want to bless someone else. I was trying to think of something I could have a giveaway for...
I don't have much, I'm not balling out of control, I don't have sponsors handing me things to just give away. But what I do have, though it's not much, I think it's pretty awesome. And in the spirit of Valentine's Day, it'd be perfect for a giveaway.
I love these earrings so much, I gift them to all my favorite people. I love wearing them and because I'm not selfish and want to share the greatness of them, I love seeing them on others. I can't keep the fab all to myself!
So here's your chance to win a pair of my favorite earrings. A fab, shiny, brand new pair of crystal heart earrings! Sorry you won't have them in time for Valentine's Day, but these are my absolute favorite go-to, everyday earrings, perfect for any occasion!
How to win them? Hmmm...
1. Just comment on this blog post telling me about your favorite go-to accessory
And for extra entries...
a Rafflecopter giveaway
I hope I can make another "I never win" person a winner! Good luck!!
That's my "I love giveaways" peace!
Love, Tam
 |
| a picture of my beautiful sister in (our) favorite earrings! And her birthday is tomorrow! :) #bestsisterever |
Friday, January 17, 2014
The One You Can't Live Without, or Nah?
you know that saying... "you shouldn't marry the person you can live with, you should marry the one you can't live without" ??? I'd like to call BULL on it!
You should definitely marry the person you can live with. And how do you ever know you can't live without someone until you've actually tried? How do you find that out? Do you break up with someone you love and see how it feels to live without them? I imagine a little will and a lot of prayer can find you some peace in having to live without anyone, no? And what kind of life is that where you can't go on just because you aren't with a certain person? Sounds crazy to me.
Often times, we have these ideals in our mind of what marriages should be like. We anticipate feeling a certain way, and having all this constant passion and lust... not to say this doesn't exist, but it's really not what we should be banking on when choosing the person to marry. Marriage (cause I know it all in my, not even, 2 year run at it LOL), is patience and forgiveness, it's balance and compromise, it's two people deciding to go at it together, even when it isn't so fun or easy. It's hard as crap some days. There are times when you go days without even seeing each other, and neither of you is out of town. "Did we talk today? How's your day been going? Great! Love you, see you later HOPEFULLY." No, really. I went a whole week only waking up to Mr. Brawner, saying goodbye, maybe seeing him 12-13 hours later, only to part ways again. I think I may remember him coming to bed and opening one eye just to make sure it was him.... only to wake up and do it all again, for a week! Of course after that week, we sat down and made a plan to fit each other in for some serious QT and to catch up. Imagine if you married someone you couldn't live without? You'd be dead, depressed, and unhappy. There IS passion and lust, and...*TMI alert* a lot of quiet dirty talk, covert text messages, inside jokes, quick body feels and stolen make-out sessions when we think all the kids will be out of the room for a minute. But then, one of the big ones will come running in with the baby in arm, all while the baby projectile vomits (probably from the baby anxiety of being ran down the steps) all over the floor while still in motion, and the big one almost slips in the vomit... poor baby, all wide eyed and terrified. Do babies know fear? Then. there's those moments you're in bed and you discover there's poo on your arm, then realize it's on your sheets, then just about vomit yourself when you see you've pretty much rolled into a poo pyramid, there from the poo diaper you left on the bed earlier. Passion? HHAAAAAA!!!!!!! I laugh at your passion. What if all we had was passion and not someone who we can live with? Those moments we laugh at, because we're friends that have more than passion, would be annoying if we were too occupied with being passionate. SO WHAT we aren't living la vida loca every night. What we've got... is so much more than that. And we figure we have time to make up the passion, we've already planned for forever :)
There will be boring days and days when the passion is seemingly dried up and you'll be thankful that you married someone "you can live with."
I don't know why they try to make "someone you can live with" sound so bad and unemotional, like you're just... "settling." It is settling in a way though... settling to marry your friend, settling to choose to love daily, settling for happiness and peace. I settled to marry the person who makes me laugh, who is patient and kind. Someone, who even on the bad, crazy, less passionate, moody, and cranky days, I can still live with.
Who is this person you can't live without, anyway? Any time I thought I had to deal with learning to live without someone I thought I couldn't, I've somehow moved on and figured out how to. And some of the ones I can think of that I felt this way about, Hallelujah, Thank ya JESUS, I finally get to live without them. It is definitely for the best.
Who decided to make settling mean, "I chose less than I deserve"?
"Settle" really isn't such a bad word.
Commit to marrying someone you can live with, there will be passion, laughter, memories and so much more!
That's my (IMO) peace!
XOXO Love, Tam
You should definitely marry the person you can live with. And how do you ever know you can't live without someone until you've actually tried? How do you find that out? Do you break up with someone you love and see how it feels to live without them? I imagine a little will and a lot of prayer can find you some peace in having to live without anyone, no? And what kind of life is that where you can't go on just because you aren't with a certain person? Sounds crazy to me.
Often times, we have these ideals in our mind of what marriages should be like. We anticipate feeling a certain way, and having all this constant passion and lust... not to say this doesn't exist, but it's really not what we should be banking on when choosing the person to marry. Marriage (cause I know it all in my, not even, 2 year run at it LOL), is patience and forgiveness, it's balance and compromise, it's two people deciding to go at it together, even when it isn't so fun or easy. It's hard as crap some days. There are times when you go days without even seeing each other, and neither of you is out of town. "Did we talk today? How's your day been going? Great! Love you, see you later HOPEFULLY." No, really. I went a whole week only waking up to Mr. Brawner, saying goodbye, maybe seeing him 12-13 hours later, only to part ways again. I think I may remember him coming to bed and opening one eye just to make sure it was him.... only to wake up and do it all again, for a week! Of course after that week, we sat down and made a plan to fit each other in for some serious QT and to catch up. Imagine if you married someone you couldn't live without? You'd be dead, depressed, and unhappy. There IS passion and lust, and...*TMI alert* a lot of quiet dirty talk, covert text messages, inside jokes, quick body feels and stolen make-out sessions when we think all the kids will be out of the room for a minute. But then, one of the big ones will come running in with the baby in arm, all while the baby projectile vomits (probably from the baby anxiety of being ran down the steps) all over the floor while still in motion, and the big one almost slips in the vomit... poor baby, all wide eyed and terrified. Do babies know fear? Then. there's those moments you're in bed and you discover there's poo on your arm, then realize it's on your sheets, then just about vomit yourself when you see you've pretty much rolled into a poo pyramid, there from the poo diaper you left on the bed earlier. Passion? HHAAAAAA!!!!!!! I laugh at your passion. What if all we had was passion and not someone who we can live with? Those moments we laugh at, because we're friends that have more than passion, would be annoying if we were too occupied with being passionate. SO WHAT we aren't living la vida loca every night. What we've got... is so much more than that. And we figure we have time to make up the passion, we've already planned for forever :)
There will be boring days and days when the passion is seemingly dried up and you'll be thankful that you married someone "you can live with."
I don't know why they try to make "someone you can live with" sound so bad and unemotional, like you're just... "settling." It is settling in a way though... settling to marry your friend, settling to choose to love daily, settling for happiness and peace. I settled to marry the person who makes me laugh, who is patient and kind. Someone, who even on the bad, crazy, less passionate, moody, and cranky days, I can still live with.
Who is this person you can't live without, anyway? Any time I thought I had to deal with learning to live without someone I thought I couldn't, I've somehow moved on and figured out how to. And some of the ones I can think of that I felt this way about, Hallelujah, Thank ya JESUS, I finally get to live without them. It is definitely for the best.
Who decided to make settling mean, "I chose less than I deserve"?
"Settle" really isn't such a bad word.
Commit to marrying someone you can live with, there will be passion, laughter, memories and so much more!
That's my (IMO) peace!
XOXO Love, Tam
set·tle1
ˈsetl/
verb
gerund or present participle: settling
- 2.adopt a more steady or secure style of life, esp. in a permanent job and home."one day I will settle down and raise a family"
Thursday, January 2, 2014
On With the New Year! 2014
I don't feel obligated to make New Year's resolutions. I don't wait until a fresh year to come just to decide to change some thing that needs changing. It's always a good time to resolve to be better and change, BUT... Because it is a new year, now is a good time to turn over a new leaf and do things differently than before. So in the spirit of the new year, I resolve to...
1. Offer the same grace to others that I give to Mr. Brawner. He doesn't know it, but Mr. Brawner has it way good. My relationship with him is the one I put the most work in to, the one I read "self help" books for, the one I get advice on and work to make better daily. He is the one person I work to supply with an unlimited amount of grace. I work to forgive him ahead of the apology. It is often my prayer to forgive him even if he never apologizes. I offer him an unlimited amount of benefit, in spite of the doubt. AND I give him room for error. I allow him to go crazy, have a bad day, misstep, misspeak, and just down right have an unwarranted attitude without a lot of slack. "Oh Mr. Brawner is having a bad day? Let me give him a break and some space to work out that issue knowing he isn't intentionally taking it out on me." I know his heart and his intention is never to do me harm, so I consider the positive in all of his actions.
So I resolve to offer this amount of love to all the people I choose to be in relationship with. Some of you get this treatment automatically, it just doesn't require the same amount of work and effort that I put into it for Mr. Brawner. I am intentional about my love for him. I resolve to be intentional about my love for you.
2. Love people the way they need it. My love often comes across as bullying. Mr. Brawner can handle that, he doesn't mind being picked on. If I love you, I may make fun of you in good spirit. But there are some who need to be loved differently, more tenderly. I resolve to not be my hard self to those who need more tenderness. I don't want them to think I don't love them, and I don't expect them to just accept what I give. Loving them means compromising and being what they need.
3. Be more organized.
- clip some coupons. I spend a lot of time in grocery stores and spend a lot of money. Why shouldn't I save a little coin in the process. It's free, it's easy, it's smart!
-be tidier. I am a mess. Mr. Brawner is OCD and going crazy. I love my husband and I don't want him to go crazy... not on my watch!
-not be a hoarder. I have so much crap that I am never going to use. 4 burners and 20 pots? Why? And that's just one on the list of many. Swap Party 2014???
-make lists. My memory is failing me. I talk aloud to myself over and over just so I don't forget to do something. And then, more often than not, I still forget something. I should just write it down.
-make and keep a routine/schedule
4. Not sweat the small stuff. Everything doesn't have to be something. Know what I mean? I feel the need to get a lot of things off my chest. It's therapeutic for me. You don't have to wonder how I feel about most things because most likely I am going to tell you and be unsugar-coatedly honest about it. BUT... I am working to not sweat the small stuff. Everything doesn't have to be something. (Unless I am paying you for this service and in that case, everything is something and whatever that something is, is everything! Know what I mean?)
5. Take more time for myself. I am a lot of things to a lot of people, and that's ok. I enjoy my life. But sometimes I just need to take a little more time for myself. Take care of me so that I'm able to take care of all of them better. I got gifted a spa day months ago. Why haven't I spa'd yet?
6. Use the part of my brain that gets neglected because my job isn't challenging enough. I can go all day and not use the part of my brain that... does what brains do. I can live on auto pilot. I resolve to think more, challenge my brain. Puzzle, write, read for knowledge. I am smart, I don't want my smart to get slow and stale. I can feel it happening. Maybe I need a new job. Maybe because I like the people at my job, I need to figure out how to create a new job at my job.
7. Spend more time outside. I am an indoor girl, but I love what outside looks like. I need to de-bourgeois myself and put on some sneakers and be out in the air, with the trees and dirt and bugs and... ew!!! But it's so pretty out there and I want to see it. I wish I had a bubble.
8. Be the me I loved. I love 2009-2010 Tamika that put on outdoor clothes and ran. I loved how it felt, and I loved how it made me look. I was healthy, had a great head of hair and a body I wanted to photograph in the nude. Where is that girl? This current body just isn't cutting it.
9. Blog more. My thoughts feel better outside of my head. Even if they are never seen by anyone or read ever again... they belong out of my head. My sanity appreciates it.
10. Create memories with the people I love. Yes, I see my husband and kids everyday, but we're not really spending time together, not making any memories. And all those other people I love and never get to see... let's make some memories! Once a month, once a season... whenever and however it has to happen, let's do it!
I had to have a list of 10 just to make it feel complete... 10 was easy and I could prob think of 10 more. What are your New Year's resolutions?
That's my (first of many in 2014) PEACE!!!
Love, Tam
1. Offer the same grace to others that I give to Mr. Brawner. He doesn't know it, but Mr. Brawner has it way good. My relationship with him is the one I put the most work in to, the one I read "self help" books for, the one I get advice on and work to make better daily. He is the one person I work to supply with an unlimited amount of grace. I work to forgive him ahead of the apology. It is often my prayer to forgive him even if he never apologizes. I offer him an unlimited amount of benefit, in spite of the doubt. AND I give him room for error. I allow him to go crazy, have a bad day, misstep, misspeak, and just down right have an unwarranted attitude without a lot of slack. "Oh Mr. Brawner is having a bad day? Let me give him a break and some space to work out that issue knowing he isn't intentionally taking it out on me." I know his heart and his intention is never to do me harm, so I consider the positive in all of his actions.
So I resolve to offer this amount of love to all the people I choose to be in relationship with. Some of you get this treatment automatically, it just doesn't require the same amount of work and effort that I put into it for Mr. Brawner. I am intentional about my love for him. I resolve to be intentional about my love for you.
2. Love people the way they need it. My love often comes across as bullying. Mr. Brawner can handle that, he doesn't mind being picked on. If I love you, I may make fun of you in good spirit. But there are some who need to be loved differently, more tenderly. I resolve to not be my hard self to those who need more tenderness. I don't want them to think I don't love them, and I don't expect them to just accept what I give. Loving them means compromising and being what they need.
3. Be more organized.
- clip some coupons. I spend a lot of time in grocery stores and spend a lot of money. Why shouldn't I save a little coin in the process. It's free, it's easy, it's smart!
-be tidier. I am a mess. Mr. Brawner is OCD and going crazy. I love my husband and I don't want him to go crazy... not on my watch!
-not be a hoarder. I have so much crap that I am never going to use. 4 burners and 20 pots? Why? And that's just one on the list of many. Swap Party 2014???
-make lists. My memory is failing me. I talk aloud to myself over and over just so I don't forget to do something. And then, more often than not, I still forget something. I should just write it down.
-make and keep a routine/schedule
4. Not sweat the small stuff. Everything doesn't have to be something. Know what I mean? I feel the need to get a lot of things off my chest. It's therapeutic for me. You don't have to wonder how I feel about most things because most likely I am going to tell you and be unsugar-coatedly honest about it. BUT... I am working to not sweat the small stuff. Everything doesn't have to be something. (Unless I am paying you for this service and in that case, everything is something and whatever that something is, is everything! Know what I mean?)
5. Take more time for myself. I am a lot of things to a lot of people, and that's ok. I enjoy my life. But sometimes I just need to take a little more time for myself. Take care of me so that I'm able to take care of all of them better. I got gifted a spa day months ago. Why haven't I spa'd yet?
6. Use the part of my brain that gets neglected because my job isn't challenging enough. I can go all day and not use the part of my brain that... does what brains do. I can live on auto pilot. I resolve to think more, challenge my brain. Puzzle, write, read for knowledge. I am smart, I don't want my smart to get slow and stale. I can feel it happening. Maybe I need a new job. Maybe because I like the people at my job, I need to figure out how to create a new job at my job.
7. Spend more time outside. I am an indoor girl, but I love what outside looks like. I need to de-bourgeois myself and put on some sneakers and be out in the air, with the trees and dirt and bugs and... ew!!! But it's so pretty out there and I want to see it. I wish I had a bubble.
8. Be the me I loved. I love 2009-2010 Tamika that put on outdoor clothes and ran. I loved how it felt, and I loved how it made me look. I was healthy, had a great head of hair and a body I wanted to photograph in the nude. Where is that girl? This current body just isn't cutting it.
9. Blog more. My thoughts feel better outside of my head. Even if they are never seen by anyone or read ever again... they belong out of my head. My sanity appreciates it.
10. Create memories with the people I love. Yes, I see my husband and kids everyday, but we're not really spending time together, not making any memories. And all those other people I love and never get to see... let's make some memories! Once a month, once a season... whenever and however it has to happen, let's do it!
I had to have a list of 10 just to make it feel complete... 10 was easy and I could prob think of 10 more. What are your New Year's resolutions?
That's my (first of many in 2014) PEACE!!!
Love, Tam
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
A Baby Story
My heart spoke this last night as I was sleep stalking Mali and just now again, it crossed my mind. That's always when I know it should be blogged. Here goes...
There are all these posts geared to women with children. Often, when I repost a link talking about parents, or kids, I think about my childless peers. And I feel bad for rubbing my (not even close to perfect) family-focused posts in their face (that's not what I'm doing, but...) Sometimes I feel guilty for having a baby and kids and constantly posting about them and pictures. Recently a friend of mine posted a status because someone else was annoyed with her posting pics of her baby. It had me thinking "Who would be annoyed with that?" I don't know how those kinds of posts make a childless woman feel, but I can imagine (on a bad day), it could get annoying when someone always posts about their kids. Maybe they don't have kids and want kids of their own, maybe they lost a baby and are hurting, maybe they can't ever have children and it's a reminder for them. I couldn't understand someone annoyed with baby pictures at first, but I have been trying to step outside of my own shoes and find compassion for people when I wouldn't otherwise understand their view. And as I was thinking about my newest addition, who is 13 years after my 1st child, I think to myself (and I'm saying out loud to you now)... it's perfect NOW. You have time.
I had my daughter when I was a 17 years young, a teenager, just starting my own life. And I was a good mom even then, I never starved her or put her in danger. I wasn't some reckless teen mom. No one looked at me and thought, "that girl should not have children!" Actually, it was always the exact opposite. My daughter was perfect. I had the opportunity to nurture and raise other children just based off my responsibility as a parent to her. Throughout my 20's I was thinking, this is it right here! This is when people should have children. I'm still young and energetic, I can relate to her. I will have my life back by the time I'm 40, then the living can really begin. I was done!
I married a man with children and considered (maybe even planned) to not have any more. I thought we would finish raising the ones we had and then live happily ever after. I don't think he ever really agreed on that. He decided another one together would be perfect, but twice we were pregnant, and twice I lost the baby. At that point, I really knew it was not for me. No more trying, no more kids, no more failed pregnancies. I didn't even want to try anymore. (I also didn't do anything to prevent him from trying..) Cue Mali! I got pregnant again this last time right before I was to turn 30. I didn't get my hopes up, I wasn't excited. I was almost, dare I say it, disappointed. I didn't want to sacrifice my life anymore, I didn't want to sacrifice my body, I didn't want the heart ache of another failed pregnancy. I was just really disconnected. After I got past the 12 week mark, I still didn't get excited, but I began to accept that it just might happen. I don't really recall when I came around.
I spent a lot of my time in the doctor's waiting area though. Either I'd had a bleeding scare, lack of fetal movement fears, or those "the doctor wants to monitor you regularly" appointments had me constantly there. I had at least 10 ultrasounds and an appointment every 2 weeks. How could I not accept there was a baby coming when my whole pregnant life was spent focusing on baby?
He's here now, in all his baby perfection. Sometimes I just sit and hold him and stare at him. I talk to him all the time about life and love, friendship and food. Idk if there's anything he and I don't discuss. Jerry is the topic of a lot of our conversations. Mali is so infatuated by Jerry, I'm jealous. Jerry can ignore Mali all day, but whenever he's in eye range, Mali is staring him down, just waiting... and waiting. Eventually I say "Mali, your daddy isn't as aware of you as I am, you have to call him. Say Daaaddddy! Daddy!" Jerry finally looks over and Mali just smiles. At night when I am dead tired and Mali is wide awake, it doesn't even matter that it's 3 am and I have to get up in the morning. If he's not even thinking about falling back to sleep, I just tell him "I guess now is as good a time as any to have some quality time." He smiles, I smile. What time is it again? It doesn't even matter. And when that 5:30 a.m. alarm goes off, yes I am tired and I hate the sound of it, but I get up and I function. I am still alive and happy. Sleep, who?
I love Jerry more just because of Mali. Randomly, once I said, "thank you Mr. Brawner." He looked at me staring at Mali and said "For what? Mali? You're welcome."
Me: How did you know?
Him: I haven't done anything else great lately.
Mali is great, more than that. He's perfect.
I write this blog for you lady friends without kids. I love girl Kai, I would never take back those moments. She is amazing and wonderful and beautiful. Everything about her was perfect, except for the timing. I did alright, she is still alive. But right now, this time... it's a different kind of perfection. I am 30 (turning 31, whoa!), I have a new baby and if the coin was right, I'd do it again, maybe even again after that. Age is not a limitation. Do not sit around feeling sorry for yourself because the baby experience is not in your story yet. Don't rush it. Children are amazing, yes. And any experience can produce an amazing child, yes. But today, as I forego happy hour with the coworkers and rush to get home, I am thankful for this last chance to do it again. Thankful that Jerry and God knew better than me and didn't let me be done. Thankful for those failed pregnancies that made that last successful one, although difficult, worth it. So thankful for my Mali who lights up my day and night (especially at 3 am).
I was 20, waiting for the weekend to come, just so I could hang out with my friends. Now I'm 30 and waiting for the weekend just so I can get a full day with my sweet boy. I know some of you are thinking, "but I'm not 30, I'm 35 and time is still ticking and I don't even have a man." For you, my response is, pray that God brings children in your life and trust His way. You don't know what God has planned for you and what He is capable of. It may not be in the cards for you to birth children of your own, but there are so many children out there that need someone. Be a mentor, babysit for a single mom who needs a break, or a tired mom who was up at 3 a.m. with a newborn. Those experiences could help someone else, fill and void in you and maybe even prove to you that kids is not the way to go, lol (j/k, but kinda not). :)
I pray my words offer you some peace!!
Love, Tam
There are all these posts geared to women with children. Often, when I repost a link talking about parents, or kids, I think about my childless peers. And I feel bad for rubbing my (not even close to perfect) family-focused posts in their face (that's not what I'm doing, but...) Sometimes I feel guilty for having a baby and kids and constantly posting about them and pictures. Recently a friend of mine posted a status because someone else was annoyed with her posting pics of her baby. It had me thinking "Who would be annoyed with that?" I don't know how those kinds of posts make a childless woman feel, but I can imagine (on a bad day), it could get annoying when someone always posts about their kids. Maybe they don't have kids and want kids of their own, maybe they lost a baby and are hurting, maybe they can't ever have children and it's a reminder for them. I couldn't understand someone annoyed with baby pictures at first, but I have been trying to step outside of my own shoes and find compassion for people when I wouldn't otherwise understand their view. And as I was thinking about my newest addition, who is 13 years after my 1st child, I think to myself (and I'm saying out loud to you now)... it's perfect NOW. You have time.
I had my daughter when I was a 17 years young, a teenager, just starting my own life. And I was a good mom even then, I never starved her or put her in danger. I wasn't some reckless teen mom. No one looked at me and thought, "that girl should not have children!" Actually, it was always the exact opposite. My daughter was perfect. I had the opportunity to nurture and raise other children just based off my responsibility as a parent to her. Throughout my 20's I was thinking, this is it right here! This is when people should have children. I'm still young and energetic, I can relate to her. I will have my life back by the time I'm 40, then the living can really begin. I was done!
I married a man with children and considered (maybe even planned) to not have any more. I thought we would finish raising the ones we had and then live happily ever after. I don't think he ever really agreed on that. He decided another one together would be perfect, but twice we were pregnant, and twice I lost the baby. At that point, I really knew it was not for me. No more trying, no more kids, no more failed pregnancies. I didn't even want to try anymore. (I also didn't do anything to prevent him from trying..) Cue Mali! I got pregnant again this last time right before I was to turn 30. I didn't get my hopes up, I wasn't excited. I was almost, dare I say it, disappointed. I didn't want to sacrifice my life anymore, I didn't want to sacrifice my body, I didn't want the heart ache of another failed pregnancy. I was just really disconnected. After I got past the 12 week mark, I still didn't get excited, but I began to accept that it just might happen. I don't really recall when I came around.
I spent a lot of my time in the doctor's waiting area though. Either I'd had a bleeding scare, lack of fetal movement fears, or those "the doctor wants to monitor you regularly" appointments had me constantly there. I had at least 10 ultrasounds and an appointment every 2 weeks. How could I not accept there was a baby coming when my whole pregnant life was spent focusing on baby?
He's here now, in all his baby perfection. Sometimes I just sit and hold him and stare at him. I talk to him all the time about life and love, friendship and food. Idk if there's anything he and I don't discuss. Jerry is the topic of a lot of our conversations. Mali is so infatuated by Jerry, I'm jealous. Jerry can ignore Mali all day, but whenever he's in eye range, Mali is staring him down, just waiting... and waiting. Eventually I say "Mali, your daddy isn't as aware of you as I am, you have to call him. Say Daaaddddy! Daddy!" Jerry finally looks over and Mali just smiles. At night when I am dead tired and Mali is wide awake, it doesn't even matter that it's 3 am and I have to get up in the morning. If he's not even thinking about falling back to sleep, I just tell him "I guess now is as good a time as any to have some quality time." He smiles, I smile. What time is it again? It doesn't even matter. And when that 5:30 a.m. alarm goes off, yes I am tired and I hate the sound of it, but I get up and I function. I am still alive and happy. Sleep, who?
I love Jerry more just because of Mali. Randomly, once I said, "thank you Mr. Brawner." He looked at me staring at Mali and said "For what? Mali? You're welcome."
Me: How did you know?
Him: I haven't done anything else great lately.
Mali is great, more than that. He's perfect.
I write this blog for you lady friends without kids. I love girl Kai, I would never take back those moments. She is amazing and wonderful and beautiful. Everything about her was perfect, except for the timing. I did alright, she is still alive. But right now, this time... it's a different kind of perfection. I am 30 (turning 31, whoa!), I have a new baby and if the coin was right, I'd do it again, maybe even again after that. Age is not a limitation. Do not sit around feeling sorry for yourself because the baby experience is not in your story yet. Don't rush it. Children are amazing, yes. And any experience can produce an amazing child, yes. But today, as I forego happy hour with the coworkers and rush to get home, I am thankful for this last chance to do it again. Thankful that Jerry and God knew better than me and didn't let me be done. Thankful for those failed pregnancies that made that last successful one, although difficult, worth it. So thankful for my Mali who lights up my day and night (especially at 3 am).
I was 20, waiting for the weekend to come, just so I could hang out with my friends. Now I'm 30 and waiting for the weekend just so I can get a full day with my sweet boy. I know some of you are thinking, "but I'm not 30, I'm 35 and time is still ticking and I don't even have a man." For you, my response is, pray that God brings children in your life and trust His way. You don't know what God has planned for you and what He is capable of. It may not be in the cards for you to birth children of your own, but there are so many children out there that need someone. Be a mentor, babysit for a single mom who needs a break, or a tired mom who was up at 3 a.m. with a newborn. Those experiences could help someone else, fill and void in you and maybe even prove to you that kids is not the way to go, lol (j/k, but kinda not). :)
I pray my words offer you some peace!!
Love, Tam
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)