Duh Tamika

Good morning. I'm just laying in bed, awake, watching tv. Mali is beside me asleep, mr. Brawner just left out for work and to drop Nae off to her job on the way. The other girls, Ki and the Jays are all in their rooms asleep, I imagine. And this bit of rare alone time gave me room for a little self reflection. I'd prob be one super wise cookie if I just had a few more of these moments but, alas, I'll just have to take what I can get... This morning.

What I am about to say, I was about to update on my FB status. Then I realized "whoaaa T, blog it!" So here I am. 

It was a real "duh Tamika" moment. But I am willing to share my "duh Tamika" revelation, admitting my ignorance, in hope that my little aha moment may be helpful to someone else living in that same not just a river in Egypt...

I am the heart of my family. My mood, behavior, responses and actions set the tone for the whole family. They all require so much from me, it really only makes sense that their moods and actions are sometimes a direct reflection of my own. I have to be patient and kind. I have to be relaxed and calm. I have to be light hearted and funny. Yes, that's a lot of pressure on me. Yes, I really just want to get to lose it sometimes, but what will we gain? What are the benefits in that? 

This past 30 days, I went on a quest to intentionally only say kind things to my husband. I think I failed one day, I wonder what he'd say? But on my own watch, I recall one day where my sarcasm got the best of me and I forgot my own challenge. But those other 29 days, where I only spoke kindness, were a win for my marriage. And because I'd been so awesome those other days, that one day was probably an easy pill to swallow. I'm in this FB group for black wives and we've been doing a 30 Days of Prayer for your Husband. Each day you pray over specific areas pertaining to your husband, and there's a challenge to go with it. Along with only speaking kindness to him and about him, the challenges included building him up, listening to him, complimenting him, and another 27 days of reigniting the initial spark in your love and affection. Mr. B and I are a pretty easy couple. We (he) doesn't argue at all, we have an open communication and we actually really like each other. But includin little steps into each day that required me to be intentional about my thoughts and actions towards him, made a very large difference in our marriage. He didn't change a thing. He wasn't doing his own "prayer over my wife" challenge. He didn't become an easier person, then again, he did-- but only because I changed, my intentional positive attitude made him easier. In turn, making me more patient and loving, which then reciprocated the kindness in him. I got random forehead kisses, verbal expressions of happiness, invitations to infiltrate his man time... Whoa whoa!! What's going on here? All this just because I've made a slight (lol at slight) attitude adjustment? Well, peace be still! 

Lesson learned. Tamika, you are the heart. Your health is pertinent to the health of he whole body. Everyone needs you to pump love, kindness, and joy through the home, so that the rest of the body can flow in productive peace. Well duh Tamika! But knowing it and doing it and seeing the benefit firsthand? It was amazing to witness.  

All this power!!! I'll try to use it wisely and not let it go to my head. :)

Of course my little Tasmanian Angel is awake now, wise self-reflected thoughts over. Back to life, back to chasing the baby tornado. 

Love yall, that's my peace! 

Tam

The One You Can't Live Without, or Nah?

you know that saying... "you shouldn't marry the person you can live with, you should marry the one you can't live without" ??? I'd like to call BULL on it!

You should definitely marry the person you can live with. And how do you ever know you can't live without someone until you've actually tried? How do you find that out? Do you break up with someone you love and see how it feels to live without them? I imagine a little will and a lot of prayer can find you some peace in having to live without anyone, no? And what kind of life is that where you can't go on just because you aren't with a certain person? Sounds crazy to me.

Often times, we have these ideals in our mind of what marriages should be like. We anticipate feeling a certain way, and having all this constant passion and lust... not to say this doesn't exist, but it's really not what we should be banking on when choosing the person to marry. Marriage (cause I know it all in my, not even, 2 year run at it LOL), is patience and forgiveness, it's balance and compromise, it's two people deciding to go at it together, even when it isn't so fun or easy. It's hard as crap some days. There are times when you go days without even seeing each other, and neither of you is out of town. "Did we talk today? How's your day been going? Great! Love you, see you later HOPEFULLY." No, really. I went a whole week only waking up to Mr. Brawner, saying goodbye, maybe seeing him 12-13 hours later, only to part ways again. I think I may remember him coming to bed and opening one eye just to make sure it was him.... only to wake up and do it all again, for a week! Of course after that week, we sat down and made a plan to fit each other in for some serious QT and to catch up. Imagine if you married someone you couldn't live without? You'd be dead, depressed, and unhappy. There IS passion and lust, and...*TMI alert* a lot of quiet dirty talk, covert text messages, inside jokes, quick body feels and stolen make-out sessions when we think all the kids will be out of the room for a minute. But then, one of the big ones will come running in with the baby in arm, all while the baby projectile vomits (probably from the baby anxiety of being ran down the steps) all over the floor while still in motion, and the big one almost slips in the vomit... poor baby, all wide eyed and terrified. Do babies know fear? Then. there's those moments you're in bed and you discover there's poo on your arm, then realize it's on your sheets, then just about vomit yourself when you see you've pretty much rolled into a poo pyramid, there from the poo diaper you left on the bed earlier. Passion? HHAAAAAA!!!!!!! I laugh at your passion. What if all we had was passion and not someone who we can live with? Those moments we laugh at, because we're friends that have more than passion, would be annoying if we were too occupied with being passionate. SO WHAT we aren't living la vida loca every night. What we've got... is so much more than that. And we figure we have time to make up the passion, we've already planned for forever :)
There will be boring days and days when the passion is seemingly dried up and you'll be thankful that you married someone "you can live with."

I don't know why they try to make "someone you can live with" sound so bad and unemotional, like you're just... "settling." It is settling in a way though... settling to marry your friend, settling to choose to love daily, settling for happiness and peace. I settled to marry the person who makes me laugh, who is patient and kind. Someone, who even on the bad, crazy, less passionate, moody, and cranky days, I can still live with.

Who is this person you can't live without, anyway? Any time I thought I had to deal with learning to live without someone I thought I couldn't, I've somehow moved on and figured out how to. And some of the ones I can think of that I felt this way about, Hallelujah, Thank ya JESUS, I finally get to live without them. It is definitely for the best.

Who decided to make settling mean, "I chose less than I deserve"?
"Settle" really isn't such a bad word.

Commit to marrying someone you can live with, there will be passion, laughter, memories and so much more!
That's my (IMO) peace!
XOXO Love, Tam

set·tle¹

ˈsetl/

verb

gerund or present participle: settling

1. 1.

   resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem).

   "every effort was made to settle the dispute"

   synonyms:

   resolve, sort out, solve, clear up, end, fix, work out, iron out, straighten out, set right, rectify, remedy, reconcile; More
2. 2.

   adopt a more steady or secure style of life, esp. in a permanent job and home.

   "one day I will settle down and raise a family"