You'll Accept Anybody

I was chatting with a friend recently, and she said something to me that keeps replaying in my head… “You’ll accept anybody.” I laughed when she said it then, and every time I think of it, I chuckle again. Let me give you the scenario…

I don’t see her that often and we were just sitting, playing catch up on each other’s lives. She’d ask how’s so and so... and I’d respond, “I don’t talk to them much. They've been busy with blah blah and blah but they’re good.” She mentioned someone else that I’d had a mild falling out with, and asked how they were. “She’s fine.”

Her: You still talk to her?

Me: Yes, why not? What they did was a mild shock to my system, but I’m not taking it personal. I've recovered, we’re cool.

Her: You’ll accept anybody.

Me: ha!!!

 For the record, I won’t accept anybody… I’m sorry I don’t live up to that assessment of me. I've set a small standard for the people in my life. I'm not out here accepting foolishness and letting folk take advantage of my kindness. BUT... I do accept a lot from people, especially if it's not hurting me.

I’m not BFF’s with everybody… but when I friend you, I FRIEND YOU! I don’t just write a blog telling people what they should do… One Olive Branch At A Time, Too Perfect To Apologize & So I Read (a post about forgiveness)… I am working daily to live it. I meet people where they are and accept them for who they are and what they offer. I’m not losing anything in being friends with you. I definitely would not gain anything by cutting people off, deciding I can no longer make time for you, or being selfish and choosing to not participate in your life just because you’re not always available for mine. Am I losing? Or are you?

I learned not to count on anyone’s time, presence, or phone calls for my joy. You didn't call? It’s OK, I am here for when you do. I understand that the world does not revolve around me. I understand people have lives of their own, and sometimes they get lost in them. I understand time slips away, you get busy, moody, withdrawn, or just lazy and can’t always be what someone needs (scratch that!) wants. But who am I to decide that whatever you’re doing, going through, dealing with isn't enough that you can’t make time for other things? Who am I? 

What I also understand… sometimes life happens. And often, life is crappy when it does happens. What if someone were dealing with something so painful and scary that they just couldn't reach out? Maybe they’re hurting and sad… what kind of person would I be that I decide to cut them off because they weren't there for me? I am not that self-involved. It’s my responsibility to be here, just in case. 

What if I were the only person someone felt they could talk to about something they were going through, but because I am too blinded by “but she wasn't there for me!” and had cut them off, that they felt they couldn't come to me? I just don’t want to be that person.

I understand relationships shouldn't be one sided. It's give and take, 50/50, scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. But maybe that's where we mess up. I'm going to give 100, I'm going to be here compensating for when you're at 0 and I won't be keeping score. What am I gaining by not accepting you for just who you are and what you have to offer? Nothing! We're losing out on friendships by acting like a bunch of self involved, "it's all about me" losers. Find joy, stop thinking the worse of everyone and have some compassion instead. Then ask yourself, "Why is my joy placed in their actions?" I just can't get in my feelings every time someone doesn't do something I hoped for, or expected. My God is greater… 

It's all about loving people without any conditions. Maybe I can't count on you... but just like I tell my 13 year old. "You are responsible for your actions," just as I am responsible for mine. And I can't stand before God and said, "Lord, but she didn't..." 

God: Well, what did you do Tamika? 

I want to be able to say, "Lord, I did my part." 

So yes, if it appears as though I'll "accept anybody," then I'll take that! I still thinks it's funny though. I'll accept you for just who you are and where you are without any conditions. I'm not expecting you to do anything for me, and I am here when you need me. And I'm certain that even if I don't see the benefit here on earth, my reward is in Heaven. 

It kinda makes me wonder though... what's everybody else out here doing? Slicing people off at the knee caps left and right? Geesh! I don't want to stand out so much. How about we all work to be good people, you're making me look like the weirdo for doing the right thing. I don't like that. LOL

Love you like a play cousin (cause I accept anybody) 

That's my peace! Love, Tam

P.S. I'm glad folk can see the good in me, but wait until I write that post about what I do NOT accept. #Itsamuchbiggerlist. #IknowImnotallthat. #itstheGodinme #Istillneedimprovement #growingdaily

UPDATE: This morning I was doing a Good Morning Girls devotional, and the scripture for the day was Hebrews 12:1...

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us"

And it just felt like confirmation. I wrote that I don't want to stand out by doing the right thing. Not saying that I don't want to do the right thing anymore, I just want every one else to be doing the right thing as well. But this scripture confirms that I am running the race marked for me. And although it may not be easy, I need to persevere. I am "surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, " people are watching what I do. I can't be hindered or let sin entangle me.

Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." I will continue to run on. :)

Not Speaking My Language

Hey there. This week, my sweet new baby boy turned 2 months old. Also, this week, I got into a… (fight isn't the right word) It was more like silently unhappy with one another… I’d say something, he’d take it out of context and then say something or do something that would drive me just mad. Or he’d say something, and maybe I was feeling super sensitive and I’d take it wrong. Basically, we needed to have a calm conversation where we cleared the air. There is nothing more I hate than discomfort in my own home, the not speaking, the tiptoeing around each other not speaking, the disconnect with my husband. I kind of foresaw this happening, so I was prepared… or so I thought.
It had been building up for about a week. I’d make a comment and Mr. Brawner would go from “0 to 1000” (I say this often to him) seemingly unwarranted from my view. His “1000” doesn't typically arouse a response from me… I’m pretty adjusted to his crazy and thank the Good Lord, I am mature and can gauge that most things just need to be ignored. But this particular week, maybe for a number a reasons (hormonal sensitivities, returning to work anticipation, financial stress), his crazy was just inflaming my “crazy”. And my sarcasm (God help me, I’m working on it) was just in full condescending force and probably wasn't making him feel too good either. So, to put it simply, we were butting heads and not getting along. It happens!
I am going to try to tell this story as unbiased and favorable to my side as possible. LOL!

This particular day, Saturday I believe, we woke up normally. I thought he had to work, because he always does on a Saturday and just Friday afternoon, he texted me asking “do you mind if I work tomorrow?” To which I replied, “nope, not at all.” Or something to that effect. I have learned that some battles are not worth the fight. Yes, he works too much but, also, yes he’ll be back home at a decent time and I’ll see him then. He tried to say he told me, but I know he didn't and my sarcasm reared its head bright and early, “it was probably a convo you had with your mom while you were gone yesterday.” Just Friday (back tracking, but this is important to the story), he came home from work then had to leave right back out to drop off clothes to the J’s who were spending weekend with his mother. I helped him find clothes for them, then asked if I could join him on his quick trip to drop off the clothes. Of course, he didn't mind me coming. But then, I had to stop and feed our crying, hungry baby. I was burping Mali when he was ready to go, but he seemed in a hurry and I told him to just go ahead. Life with Mali has taught me to slow down. There was no need to take an un-burped, congested baby out the house and I had been home all day and wasn't quite dressed for the trip yet, and plus Mr. B would be right back. Tops, it’s a 20 minute trip. When about 45 minutes went by I texted Mr. B (scrolls messages to give accurate text) “I didn't know you’d be gone FOREVER!!!” (Idk if I should say what I really meant here, or save I for the conclusion when I tried explaining it to him… I’ll save it). He replied, “it’s not forever! I’m leaving my moms now. I didn't know I wasn't pose to talk to my mom. I'm sorry.” I explained to him that I didn't know he was going to his mom’s and that I thought he was just dropping off clothes, but do you see all that tone he gave me back? Strike 1!
But yea, then Saturday he tried to tell me he told me he didn't have to work, but nah that wasn’t me you told. I accepted the error then got myself excited that I’d finally have a day with my husband. I'd been in the house for weeks, just me and Mali, watching everyone else pass in and out. And I'd been looking forward to a weekend with people, especially my husband. But then he took every opportunity to leave out the house for something or another. Once, to meet a friend real quick, once to run to the bank, once to go to the store. At some point he finally sat down with me, then proceeded to play Grand Theft Auto. I don’t mind him playing this game, but Mali and I can’t sit there through all the cursing and violence. My brain just can’t take it, so I went upstairs and took a nap. When I woke up and came back down, he was still playing and I sat next to him just to get some form of time in. Kai came and got Mali for her designated Mali time, at which point I said with relief and joy, “ it’s just us!” Then he mentioned being hungry and fell asleep. Yay me! (There’s that sarcasm again). My mom came over for a bit, so I left him to nap, talked to her and while I was talking to her, he walks passed me dressed and announces he’s going to the store. By the time he comes back, she’s gone, he fixes something to eat then comes to sit down with food for just him. I just about had a silent cow, but I didn't. I trotted me and my cow, and my baby up the stairs, took a deep breath then eventually came back down (idk how long I was gone… but not long, he was still eating). I had a seat, he mumbled something, I mumbled something back. He asked me what my problem was, I voiced my “you only feeding yourself now” annoyance. He retreated to the kitchen, fixed me something and I stubbornly, sarcastically responded “oh, for me? How sweet, you’re such a good husband.” Then he left me and a sleeping Mali downstairs and he went to bed, I assume. I ate my food, both of us (me and my food) steaming… then I put on some shoes and left out the door (good evening, at the tone the time will be 9:45 pm. BEEP!) . I wish my sister lived closer. I had little gas (and a having been robbed at a gas station years ago one dark, rainy evening, won’t catch me slipping again) so I drove a few miles towards nowhere, stopped in a shopping center and proceeded to text my sister.
NOTE: as I was walking out the door, I texted Mr. B… “You should listen for Mali. I had to get out that house before I screamed.”

Jules is always my sanity. I wish she were closer, but thankful she is only a call/text away. I explained my need to run away, my feeling frustrated and overwhelmed to her. She prayed and texted me back to a sane place and eventually I drove back home, sat in my driveway for a bit and watched the episode of Revenge I’d missed. Eventually, I went inside, pumped my boob for the feeding I missed (no worries, there are plenty bottles of the good stuff in the freezer. I am always prepared for “the runaway”), and went to bed. Mr. B kept Mali in the bed on his side for the first hour or so, then we went to sleep wordless.
Mr. B woke up the next day, attempted to tackle some chores with Mali strapped to him in carrier, but eventually gave him over to eat.
I had somewhere to go that day, and I can only live in the silent house for so long. And knowing my husband, I know he’s always willing to make up when I come to him. I can’t think of a time I’ve ever been stubborn enough to wait him out. I got married to be happy, not to win a silent treatment fight. So after a while, the foolishness has to stop and if I got to be the one to cut it out, then so be it!
I came downstairs, interrupted his mean cleaning fest, took his hand, told him I love him and apologized. (If at this point you’re wondering WTH I’m the one apologizing… TRUE! But yea, I’m a big girl) “Jerry, I’m sorry. I love you and I apologize. I have been feeling super sensitive. You are probably being your same self, and I have been reacting to your actions more than usual, I apologize. I just miss you and instead of saying just that, I have been trying to get your attention which is only causing you to react and then for me to react. It’s just been a vicious cycle. I just want to spend some more time with you, I miss you.” In short, I pretty much took the entire blame for the whole danged thing, whether he was wrong or not! I announced my role in it, just wanting the “fight’ to be over. And guess what this bama did…. He HAD THE NERVE to continue to blame me. Idk what I was expecting, (his own apology, his simple forgiveness and accepting my apology, silence), anything would have been better than his actual response. “Yea, you've been tripping lately. I knew something was wrong with you, and you was acting like it was me… blah blah blah.” (The unbiased story telling is over! Did you notice?)
This guy had the nerve to blame it all on me. Did he not know I was just trying to end the fight, be the bigger person, and take blame although he was also in error? He must didn’t get the hint. HOL’ UP! Hol’ up!!!! Negro!!!
This convo, that was just supposed to last a sec so that I didn’t leave home angry with him, turned into a whole 30+ minute debate. Somehow I got to a point where I had to explain to him that he isn’t perfect BY FAR and that I practice forgiving him even if he never apologizes. I tried to tell him that I probably have to “forgive” him at least once a day on average. And I can’t understand it, but, he took offense to that. Instead of being grateful that I don’t hold a grudge and have to hear an apology from him in order to ignore his actions that are displeasing to me, all he heard was “you’re a problem every day and you’re lucky I’m still with you.” (Which I, of course, didn’t say!) That just turned the whole “I’m trying to make up with you” convo, into an all-out bigger discussion. He questioned why I was even with him, why don’t I just go be happy since he is such a problem… and on and on, pretty much trying to give me an out to our marriage, all a bunch of crazy foolishness... Men are nuts! Of course that crazy man does not want to divorce me! On a good day, he will tell you how he feels like the luckiest man alive because he landed such a catch, how he would die or kill me (jokes) if he ever thought he’d lose me. I tell you all this, not to make my husband or me look crazy, not to ruin your perception of me or my marriage, not to… anything but shine a light on realities. My marriage is not perfect. In my own strength and patience I would have screamed and yelled and took that man with his hurtful words up on his offer and screamed and yelled and stomped out and made it all worse. But, thank you Jesus, I am aware that he is a prideful man, with feelings that just wants to know that he is keeping his wife happy. He was feeling insecure, I was missing him and not communicating it well, we were both sleep deprived, a whole bunch of nothings were growing into a bunch of miscommunicated somethings and growing all out of proportion.
Honey, what sense does it make that I am trying to communicate, although poorly, that I miss you and you are suggesting I should just leave you since you’re so horrible to me? I am not saying I am unhappy with you, I am saying I want to spend more time with you. My need to spend time with you was going unfulfilled and it turned me into a hurting, sarcastic person because you were failing to acknowledge me because I was failing to communicate it in a way you understood. Stop offering me a divorce before I threaten to kill you. I love you and I’d hate to have to do it, but I will.   By the time I come back, have your mind right. I gotta go, love you. *kisses*
And just like that, we made up.
Yes, this “fight” could have gone on forever. Yes, I have no clue how long he would have been willing to live in the silent treatment house because I always need to get to the bottom of it. Yes, I am mostly ALWAYS the bigger person and YES, I am ok with that. I don’t need to “win” any fights, but I do need a happy home. It’s more important to me. Neither of us is perfect, there will be a lot more disagreements and miscommunications. But I look forward to them all, they’re helping me grow (up and closer to God).
Then the next weekend happened almost the same way. He spent more time in the house than out, I voiced my ongoing frustration. He left to spend some time with himself, then came back and wanted to be friends (as if he didn’t just do the same thing another weekend). I accepted his (nonverbal) apology and we went on as a married couple again. (Should I have pointed out that moment how I forgave him even though he didn’t apologize? NAH!)
We’ll see how this weekend goes, except he won’t catch me slippin another weekend. I have book club on Saturday and a date with my chicas on Sunday. I refuse to be trapped in there and he’s out living la vida boring. Even I know he’s not having fun. For the life of me I can’t understand why he’d rather be out bored by himself instead of bored with me… but eh, maybe that’s his man thang! I’ll get over it, cause I got my new boyfriend Mali to replace him. (I’ll let you know when that becomes the next problem.) I can already see it... I stop wondering why he’s never spending time with me because I got Mali to keep me company. He gets jealous of my new love and wants to snuggle back in, but now I’m out living la vida loca!!! I start making my own plans so I’m not sitting around waiting on him, except unlike him, I’m having fun and now he’s wanting me home all the time, but NAH SON!!! Lol Watch!

Marriage is not easy, it is WORK and a fresh lesson daily. But it’s just one crazy day at a time. We (Me, Jesus, Jerry and Jules) got this!!! Jesus and Jules are necessary to keep this thing going hahahahaha!!!

My long a PEACE!

Love, Tam