I try to pay attention to when God is trying to get my attention. He isn't usually subtle with me. Or maybe He is and I just don't pay attention until... until it gets too drastic. God sees me over here in my comfort zone and KNOWS it takes an elephant to move me from it. It's shameful almost-- what I allow until it gets too large to avoid. Too big to bear. Too much to pretend like it's not uncomfortable. OK God, I see you. I am paying attention. You want me to do something different. And I am here for it.

I am the Comfort Zone Queen. I get used to the circumstances and I stay... good, bad.... I get comfortable in it. Like a pile of laundry on the bed. It for sure needs to be folded and moved. But no... I'll reposition that pile all over the bed and lay comfortably on it. I'm clearly no princess... (reference the princess and the pea story). But I am!!! I am a child of The King, that makes me a princess by default. I can't be comfortable with the pea lump of laundry in my back. I feel it, don't settle and sleep there anyway Tamika!

I need my comfort zone rocked! Make me uncomfortable Lord, so you can use me. Here I am! Show me what it is you want me to do. I am here for it.

I notice this as a pattern though. I get stuck.

(Unfinished Draft from April 2015 that I hit Publish on anyway) 

Better Together

It'll be short and sweet today. But I was sitting here thinking these thoughts and when my thoughts consume me, I like to write them down. And here we are...

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I used to worry alone. I'd keep my concerns, problems and troubles to myself. I didn't ever want to burden someone else with what I was going through. I figured I could just handle it all alone. One day it became too much. I just couldn't hold a problem anymore, I felt like I was drowning, and I needed a rescue. Or I at least needed someone else to know that I was drowning so they didn't just find me drowned and dead. Know what I mean? I needed to tell someone what I was going through. I could feel life feeling heavy, I felt overwhelmed and I just knew things were about to get hectic. When it all came to a head, and it surely would, I wanted someone else to know that it was coming.

At the time, my mom was my closest ally. And no matter what shame I was feeling about the situation I'd gotten myself in, I knew I needed to tell her. And so I did. There wasn't an easy resolution, (I wasnt even expecting her to have a solution) but not long after I unloaded my worry, it did come to a hectic, explosive head and eventually was resolved. The energy spent on worrying and hiding became energy to refocus and resolve. The lighter load, and having told someone, made it easier to face the struggle. And having told someone made it so I was not facing the problem alone. They had answers I didn't.  They encouraged me to have hope when I felt hopeless. And most importantly, they knew to pray when I couldn't.

The lesson I learned in all this... Never worry alone. Someone may have answers you don't. That has become my going forward, working, life mantra. Never again have I carried a problem alone.
Why should I be the only one having my thoughts consumed by this trouble? Let me call my mom, she may have an answer. She may know something I don't. She may be able to stand with me, support me, hug me. In hearing my problem, she may know just what needs to be done. Or at the least, offer me the comfort I wouldn't ask for.

This morning I had a worry. I pondered for 5 minutes on how worried I was going to be, and how worried I was going to make someone else based on my worry. That was 5 minutes of worrying wasted.

*texts Gigi*

"Listen. I hate to worry people unnecessarily. But I also hate to worry alone so..... I was going to wait but I couldn't."

Gigi texts back 2 seconds later with simple answer that put the whole worry to rest! 10 minutes later, worry completely dissolved. Had I never told her, I would've spent countless moments fretting over nothing.

:)

Why did I just waste that time worrying myself crazy? Never again!

I share this only because I live by it. It saves me. Thinking on it consumed me this morning. I love these kind of life reminders. And I want everyone to save themselves from worrying. I am living well and I want everyone to be well. We're all better together.

God put us here together for a reason. He uses His people to care for one another. To help one another. To support one another. To bless each other.

"Bear one another's burdens..."

"Therefore comfort one another..."

"Stir up one another in love and good works, not neglecting to meet together... but encouraging one another..."

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12


There is great peace in sharing your troubles. 

Living my peace.

Love, Tam

Provisions!

(I started this post June 6, 2015 and didn't post. But it feels necessary to post)

I haven't been here in forever. Not that I haven't had anything to say... it's just something about life right now keeps me quiet. I don't know if I regret that or not. But today, I feel like I have so many words, I just have to say them...

I am so happy. And trust me, I know... happiness is so conditional. That makes this particular happiness even more relevant. Not much about the conditions are blatantly screaming HAPPY, but still... here I am.

Today is my 3 year anniversary married to Mr. B. Life with him, although not always smooth, is a great gift. He is my friend  before anything, and I love him beyond my last breath. I look at him and, to this day, I am in awe that I am the lucky one he chose. He is so handsome and kind, and I am so grateful. I have so many feelings, words just aren't enough.

Recently he had a major surgery and I focused every prayer I had to his healing. I couldn't even begin to imagine a life I didn't share with him right by my side. I am so thankful he is recovering and on the mend. Just yesterday, I had to tell him just how terrified I was sitting there for 2 1/2 hours, just waiting for the surgeon to tell me it went well and he was ok. I can't begin to imagine his own level of fears, but he got to be put out and sleep through it. No one offered me that relief. For hours I had to wait, trust, and pray the doctor would deliver good news to me. It is not something I want to do ever again. Post surgery, I expected to be overwhelmed with my role as caregiver, working wife, mom, chauffeur and endless sole responsibility for the needs of our home but the good Lord... provisions! I should be tired and overwhelmed... but the good Lord is a prayer answer-er. He is giving me absolutely everything I need, sustaining me and providing rest, peace and patience I don't usually possess. I am not SuperTam, and I can't even form my mouth to take credit for God being God.

(Edited: continued on July 27, 2015)

But I am ever so thankful for Him giving me love in abundance, peace multiplied and a profuse amount of patience. I, seriously, was sustained and provided for in order to care for my family. Mr. B and I are major partners in our home. We work together. We share the responsibilities, sometimes he carries the majority of the load thankfully. So I anticipated being overwhelmed. I expected to lose it eventually. But I also prayed for God to provide. What was I thinking? What did I expect? Why did I doubt Him?

I rejoice to serve a mighty God who sees me, even when I expect to be forgotten. Gracious to be kept by the King of Glory. Amazed to be loved and cared for. He shows up for me, even when I least expect it. I am just smiling from the inside out. My heart is just so full.


I am thankful for His Peace.

Love,
Tam

Officially Missing My Sis

My sister moved to Texas a few months ago....


Some days I don't miss her at all. We've had separate lives before. She has her awesome family and I have mine. Separately, our lives are so full and busy we barely really even had time to just be sisters. There were always husbands and kids and... life.  I am used to being without her. I can fill a day with a million things and keep busy and some times never even think of her. I just have so. Much. To do. On every. Given. Day. That I don't even have time for all those things. I have 2 piles of laundry that have LITERALLY been sitting on the floor of my room for at least a week already separated and ready to go into the wash. I just keep adding the day's dirty clothes to it. Shame!! I know. But my washer is downstairs and I am ALWAYS carrying a baby down the steps when I go. God forbid I walk him down first, then come back up and get it... he's just following be back up the steps, sooooo "forget it! I'll do laundry tomorrow." I've been saying for over a week now :SIGHS:
I can find a million things to do (laundry just one of many) that could easily replace time spent with my sister.

The other days, aside from the ones that I don't miss her at all, I am missing her like crazy, If I even think "dang it, I miss Jules!" *major waterworks* (even now as I type). Sitting here at my desk wondering why I am doing this to myself in this moment. We've had separate lives for so long, that I have the experience to know that being together is better. Separately, our lives were so full that it made the greatness of being together that much more of a reward. There are always husbands and kids and... life. But she is my sister, there is truly nothing greater than that. As much as I love those other people in my life, there really is no comparison to my sister. She understands my soul. I have so. Much. To do. On every. Given. Day. That I want to just forget all those things and just have a break for sister time. I want to leave laundry on the floor of my room for a week because spending the day at my sister's was just more important. I want her here cause she'll see the laundry on my floor and take that baby let him follow her where ever she's going, up her steps. He'll experience life with Aunt Ju and I'll get to watch him be in as much awe of her as I am.
I can find a million things to do that could easily replace time spent with my sister, but sadly I'll still wish she were here. And I will have to keep busy just to forget that she isn't.

Then I'll see an awesome pic she posted on Facebook and smile cause she's just so beautiful and those J girls are just amazing and then I'll cry cause I'm not there. And in comparison, my day starts to feel like it sucked even though it was a perfectly fine day. And now I'm wallowing and I just want to talk to her but, at the same time not, cause I don't want to bring her down with my cry baby emotions that will just escalate as soon as I hear her voice. Then she'll worry because I'm crying and haven't said what was wrong yet, then when I finally get out "I just miss you sooo much!!!!" next, she's crying and it's just a mess! And all I did was make us both sad and we're not even together to hug it out. So we'll just be two lonely sisters crying and no one to hug. It's all so stupid! And so... as I wipe my crying face with these really great Kleenex cool touch* tissues and notice all my mascara wiped off and I probably look super cray.. I'm just gonna pull myself together, get back to work and busy myself with not missing her at all.

Then I'll message her about scheduling in a FaceTime Friday (we actually Skype now), since we missed Thursday's session (yesterday) and it's probably just our regularly scheduled talks that keep me in a sane place.

Officially missing my peace.

Love, Tam

no, seriously I love this Kleenex* tissue

This song is not about sisters, but I really love it. 

All I hear is raindrops

Falling on the rooftop

Oh sister tell me why'd you have to go

Cause this pain I feel

It wont go away

And today I'm officially missing you

I thought that from this heartache

I could escape

But I fronted long enough to know

There ain't no way

And today

I'm officially missing you

Duh Tamika

Good morning. I'm just laying in bed, awake, watching tv. Mali is beside me asleep, mr. Brawner just left out for work and to drop Nae off to her job on the way. The other girls, Ki and the Jays are all in their rooms asleep, I imagine. And this bit of rare alone time gave me room for a little self reflection. I'd prob be one super wise cookie if I just had a few more of these moments but, alas, I'll just have to take what I can get... This morning.

What I am about to say, I was about to update on my FB status. Then I realized "whoaaa T, blog it!" So here I am. 

It was a real "duh Tamika" moment. But I am willing to share my "duh Tamika" revelation, admitting my ignorance, in hope that my little aha moment may be helpful to someone else living in that same not just a river in Egypt...

I am the heart of my family. My mood, behavior, responses and actions set the tone for the whole family. They all require so much from me, it really only makes sense that their moods and actions are sometimes a direct reflection of my own. I have to be patient and kind. I have to be relaxed and calm. I have to be light hearted and funny. Yes, that's a lot of pressure on me. Yes, I really just want to get to lose it sometimes, but what will we gain? What are the benefits in that? 

This past 30 days, I went on a quest to intentionally only say kind things to my husband. I think I failed one day, I wonder what he'd say? But on my own watch, I recall one day where my sarcasm got the best of me and I forgot my own challenge. But those other 29 days, where I only spoke kindness, were a win for my marriage. And because I'd been so awesome those other days, that one day was probably an easy pill to swallow. I'm in this FB group for black wives and we've been doing a 30 Days of Prayer for your Husband. Each day you pray over specific areas pertaining to your husband, and there's a challenge to go with it. Along with only speaking kindness to him and about him, the challenges included building him up, listening to him, complimenting him, and another 27 days of reigniting the initial spark in your love and affection. Mr. B and I are a pretty easy couple. We (he) doesn't argue at all, we have an open communication and we actually really like each other. But includin little steps into each day that required me to be intentional about my thoughts and actions towards him, made a very large difference in our marriage. He didn't change a thing. He wasn't doing his own "prayer over my wife" challenge. He didn't become an easier person, then again, he did-- but only because I changed, my intentional positive attitude made him easier. In turn, making me more patient and loving, which then reciprocated the kindness in him. I got random forehead kisses, verbal expressions of happiness, invitations to infiltrate his man time... Whoa whoa!! What's going on here? All this just because I've made a slight (lol at slight) attitude adjustment? Well, peace be still! 

Lesson learned. Tamika, you are the heart. Your health is pertinent to the health of he whole body. Everyone needs you to pump love, kindness, and joy through the home, so that the rest of the body can flow in productive peace. Well duh Tamika! But knowing it and doing it and seeing the benefit firsthand? It was amazing to witness.  

All this power!!! I'll try to use it wisely and not let it go to my head. :)

Of course my little Tasmanian Angel is awake now, wise self-reflected thoughts over. Back to life, back to chasing the baby tornado. 

Love yall, that's my peace! 

Tam

But that's not why I'm here...

I was sitting at lunch with my coworkers yesterday. I mostly try to avoid these coworker lunches, but every once in awhile I come out of my anti-social shell and grace them with my presence. I actually got back from getting my food before most people left to get theirs and I went into the lunch room to eat, hoping to be done and out before they all returned. No such luck! So i'm in there...

You can never anticipate what lunch conversation will be. Sometimes it is quite dry and boring and they get to discussing work... pass! But more often than not, it gets quite work inappropriate and HR (if we had one) would have to work overtime. It is that bad. I'm often sitting there baffled and thinking "you can't say that!" "Did you really just say that?" Smh. But yesterday, we somehow got on the topic of marriage and somehow, I found myself in the room with 4 of my coworkers, 2 married men, 1 young, single man, 1 single white female (added the "white" for kicks, lol) and me.

Married guy #1 gets to talking about the worse part about marriage is how he can never set his own priorities. No matter what he is doing or plans to do, it isn't the right thing and his wife has something else in mind.
Married guy #2 basically completely agreed. He mentioned how he thinks he has some time and it'd be a good time for a much needed nap and his wife thinks he should go play with the kids instead, or take out the trash, or anything she thinks is more important that him napping or reading the paper or whatever it is he feels he should be doing.
I never add much to the conversation, but in my head I'm thinking... they're married to some crazies. lol! Of course there are times when my husband is doing something that, to me, is unproductive. And there are the rare occasions that I'm like "babe, are you really just sitting there playing Farm Heroes? What's for dinner?" but overall, and I spent a lot of time thinking on this, I am not controlling my husband's nap schedule or when he decides to "read the paper" or do whatever it is he considers leisure.

But that's not really why I'm here...

These husbands spent a whole hour telling this one single guy the horrors of their marriage. At one point the single guy said, "dag guys you're scaring me, I'm glad I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. I won't be getting married for awhile." Now, he's only 26 I believe and should maybe wait awhile, but it really bothered me that neither one comforted him with, "my wife does try to control my schedule, but I let her because I love her and I want her to be happy. And really she's just asking for my help because she spends her time cleaning and cooking for me and our kids and taking care of whatever it is we need. So yes, I can't always do exactly what I want whenever I want, but she's worth it and I wouldn't have it any other way."

A bit much, huh? But is it really too much to give one more young man a more accurate perception of what married life is. To let him know that you may not have this young, free, reckless, messy, lonely life, but you do have responsibilities, love, joy, fun, structure, support and someone to tell you that black dress shirt is not the business. (that young single guy could really use a makeover or a wife, something!)

Anyway, that's not really why I'm here either...

at the end of this marriage bashing session, young single guys says, "at least now you have the Office Monthly Happy Hour to look forward to and get a break!" *rolls eyes* I think I may even done that forreals, along with a sarcastic "HA!"

Young, single guy: Yea Tamika, I noticed you declined.
Me: Yea, I see you guys all day and after work, I just want to spend time with my favorite people who I didn't get to see all day.
Young, single guy: But we really don't see you all day? We're working and you don't really come in here for lunch
Me: yea.
Young, single guy: ??? (kinda looked at me questioningly)
Me: By choice. I like to be by myself
Married guy #2: Tamika doesn't like us
Me: yea. No, I just... whatever. *awkward chuckle*
Single white female: she comes in to lunch, she's here now.
Young, single guy: hardly since I've been here. Maybe she just doesn't like me
Me: It was nice spending this time with you guys. *grabs trash and leaves*

no, I don't want to go to happy hour,
yes I declined it as soon as he sent it,
no I dont really like him but that's beside the point.
I really just rather be home with my family, a group of people I actually like and want to spend time with.
Yes it may seem anti-social and unfriendly.
and yes, I am fine with that. I will not be missing anything except stories I've already heard and drunk white people (and an Indian guy) throwing around the "f" word way too freely.

I just want married people, to give a true reality to young, single men especially. Tell them it's hard as crap, and you're married to a crazy, controlling woman who loves you, oils your feet, scratches your back, fixes your plate and you wouldn't have it any other way. Geesh!
And don't hang me for wanting to be home with my family that I love instead out with a bunch of whack, unhappily married white people. I may venture out to one of these Happy Hours one day, but it will not be one day soon. I may be missing an interesting, storytelling time but that's not why I'm here...

You guys have fun though!

Mali, Oh Mali!

when there just aren't enough words for the amount of love and joy you feel... Happy 1st Birthday to my Mali!

But of course... I always have words. :) 

Three years ago, I miscarried. I wasn't sure about more children after that. It took a LONG time and a lot of tears to heal my heart. I have never known pain like that EVER. In life. And I know pain. Getting pregnant made Jerry propose to me though, going through the loss made me love him more. Getting married made me want to be a "just us". We'd discussed not having more children. I guess I am the only one who really meant it. Jerry wanted a son, so before we even made it 6 months married I was pregnant. I didn't even get excited. I wasn't sure about it. I had all kinds of doubts and fears.I didn't want to give up being Tamika. I didn't want to have to sacrifice my freedom, my life, my relationship with my husband. I didn't want the change of having a new baby in our home, on my body...
 I must've been out of my mind. I am so thankful God knew better than me. 
That boy, this child, my Mali... is my whole life. Nothing about loving him and being his mother ever feels like a sacrifice. His restless nights, he constant desire to be in my arms... it is ALL my joy and pleasure. I have never been more excited to play at 3 a.m. in my life! Everything about him is perfect. His timing in my life, his smile, his bow legs, his daddy's big nose on his little face, his bright beady eyes, his wild curls, his big stinky feet, his soft little hands, his cute lips, his laugh (fake or not), his kisses, his cry (fake or not), his hugs, his will, his defiance, his mischievous little grin when he's up to no good... he's so cute and so funny and my heart is so full. Being Malakai's mom is the greatest, most wonderful feeling. I am so sad he is not still my precious little baby, needing to be carried and held. But I am also so proud of his independence, his learning, watching him explore and grow and figure things out. 

His life is a blessing to my entire soul, my entire being. I thank God for Mali. I thank God for giving him to me and letting me be his mother. This job, this one year has changed me so much. Who knew so much love even existed? Now I know. 

It's funny how things work out. Two years ago I was discussing not having children, last year I was pregnant, this year I am the mom to a wonderful one year old... The faster he grows, the more I want to have another just to have those moments again. And at the same time, I just want to have this ONE! So that every moment of me is his and doesn't have to share his moments. Plus now that dad has his son, and I'm so consumed with being Mali's mom, the "no more children" tables have turned. HA! 

Today, I celebrate my sweet baby boy turning one year old. #bittersweet