This is My Commandment...

Because I want to practice what I preach. One day I'm going to have to stand before God and account for myself. When He asks me about how I mended relationships and treated those closest to me, I want to be able to tell Him I did all I could. That I loved by His standards. I want to be able to say I didn't make any excuses for someone else's behavior, that I didn't put off the responsibility that was mine and blame others for how they treated me. I will make the best effort because I am a Christian woman... accountable, capable, and diligently on the tasks that I know are mine. "I can do all things..."

"Set your mind on things that are above..."

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..."

"Present yourself to God as one approved..."

"For it is better to suffer for doing good..." #whateveristrue #whateverishonorable #whateverisjust #whateverispure #whateverislovely 

#causeiwanttoremember #accountability 

photo from Tuesday night's dinner table. Mr. B and I sit together to eat dinner, I figured I should take small actions in showing him that I value our time together. I fixed dinner and served it up to him with a glass of wine and a little table decor. Nothing fancy, but just little action to show my big love for him in a small way.  #babysteps

This post is so vague, I know. But it was about to be an IG post before I decided I didn't want to be that transparent on IG. Lately, Mr. B and I just have not been connecting. We've been bickering (or maybe just me) over some of the smallest things. It feels rough in our home. We're lacking love and compassion and it's been feeling like I don't even know the man I married. Don't worry! We are both very firm in our commitment to one another, but it can not (will not) go on this way and us remain happily married. I have a few gripes about him lately that make him unrecognizable. And maybe he has some too that are causing me to become unrecognizable. Does he recognize me? *shrugs*

But whateverthecase... I am a woman of action. I refuse to let whatever the devil has planned to take form in my home. I can not blame anyone else for the outcome if I do not put in the work necessary to mend what is broken.

Whenever the kids upset each other and aren't getting along. "Who are you responsible for? Whose actions can you control?" I have to practice what I preach. I can only control me. I know I am the root of my home. I control the temperature. I am the leader of the joy, of the love, of the sanity. Everyone is feeding off of my actions! Why am I not walking in that calling? I can turn it all around and make it all better just by a simple attitude shift. I can't control how he sees me, what he does, But what I am responsible for, I need to be on task about... diligently! Excitedly! 

Lord, I hear you. Thanks for the constant reminder of your grace. Thank you for clarity and strength and the resolve to remain on task. I am blessed. I will walk in my blessings. 

I'll keep you guys updated. 

THE List!

In my last post, I mentioned how I like to take stock on my life around birthday time and the new year. How I get all introspective and decide on life changes and things I'll do differently in the new year. I decided that 2016 would be risky and noteworthy. It'll be adventurous and spontaneous, but it'll also be planning and carrying out those plans. No more "one day I wills." Instead...NIKE!!! (Just do it!)

I started making a bucket list of things I want to do. That way I have a working list to live off of...

1.  Client reception and West Side Story
2.  Stop procrastinating   crossed off because it's just unrealistic expectation
3. karaoke -I forreal have never done karaoke... for shame!!! (Edited 1/25/2018: my bday 2017 friends took me to karaoke)
4. read more books
5. boudoir photo shoot (sad I was car-less and couldn't get to my scheduled appt, but it shall get done) 
6. wine tasting/festival (Edited 1/25/2018: summer 2017)
7. experiment with my hair (my hair has been busy for a couple years now)
8. Get my passport 
9. Travel out the country 
10. lose 15 lbs does it count if I gained 15 lbs then lost it? 
11. Bikini wax
12. Cook more (experiment with new dishes)
13. Bake something grand monthly 
14. Create traditions and memories with my family
15. Teach Kai how to cook
16. Camp out
17. Ride a roller coaster
18. Save $
19. Road trip 
20. Family vacation 
21. Dance more 
22. get crafty (craftier) 
23. get Mali out of my bed

(when I only had like 3 things on the list) see! this is my problem. I can't even think of things I want to do... I refuse to live this boring life again in 2016. What are some things you want to accomplish for 2016, I need a list to steal. 

LOL! 

Edited: This will be a working list that I will edit and add to as I think of things. I don't want to limit myself to the list, but I'd like something to work from.
I plan to make 2016 one for the books!! I don't have any grand unattainable goals, I just want to live feeling happier, more at peace and freer each year. I can't remain confined to the box others have put me in. I am choosing to LIVE! 

12/31/2015

Today is the last day of 2015. Tonight, I plan to make mocktails for myself and the kids (it'll prob just me Kai, Mali and myself). We're going to have a dance party, bake a pound cake, make vision boards and sing Auld Lang Syne as Kai tries to play it on her keyboard. It's going to be a grand ole time for us in the house. Let the memory making begin!!!

Happy New Year blog world!!!

That's my last 2015 PEACE!

Love, Tam

ON WITH THE NEW YEAR

The Daddy Moment

Last night, I went to a work function... boo!!! But when you finally get the long awaited invite from your coworkers to see West Side Story, along with your new found love of plays and musicals, AND they're paying for it... you say YES! And you go and enjoy. You mingle with clients you talk to all the time, but have never met face to face. You deal with some weird dude trying to get your number under the guise of selling you a loom. You nibble on chicken skewers and beef sliders and mushroom quesadillas, you accept every glass of white wine the waiter offers you and you LIVE!! Absolutely live. You deal with the awkward stares from your manager, who is possibly wondering what you're saying to their longest client that has him laughing, and you continue to be the lovely, charming person who lives deep inside but surfaces perfectly when needed.

I had a good time, I enjoyed West Side Story, and I especially appreciate my wonderful husband coming to pick me up at 11pm.

I get home to my sweet baby, who of course is still awake cause he's been waiting for me and no one else is responsible enough to put him to bed.  Grateful he is still awake because there were specks in the evening that I missed him terribly. At first around the time we'd usually be together, again when I left the crowd to use the restroom, once more when I eating a dessert with a strawberry (Mali loves strawberries), then only again when I was riding home and realizing it was so late and he'd prob be asleep and the day just starts over with us being apart again ALL DAY, knowing I had to come home, then tomorrow/now today and only see him for a moment, just to go out again for National Symphony Orchestra at Kennedy Center date with his sister. I hope he doesn't feel abandoned *DEEP stressful SIGH*. But he's up! unfortunate for the daycare lady who has to deal with his cranky pants tomorrow, but YAY for me that I, at least, get a few moments of Mali gloriousness. As I scoop him up, hold him, nurse him (yes we're still there. He's adamant about his "nah nah", but we will retire it soon), and I talk to him about my day and ask him about his. He's listening and falling asleep... " I love your sweet face, I hope you grow up to be just like your daddy. Maybe you need to spend more time with him, without me, so you can ingest the deepest parts of him, the parts I love. The part that makes him not even hesitate to come pick up your mom after a long night. If you ended up just like him, I'd be proud."  And in that moment, I thought how there are some women who look at their sons and think, "I hope you grow up to be nothing like your @%$!&*%$ father." And it saddened me, humbled me, and made me realize just how blessed in life I am. It was so noteworthy for me, so relieving. Mr. B was undressing or something off in the bathroom and I don't think he heard me, I hope he didn't. I can't have him thinking he's the absolute ish in my eyes. At the same time, I hope he did hear me. Hopes he knows just how much I love and appreciate him. *exhales JOY*

I am having a birthday soon. Every year, around birthday time, I do all this reflection, self inspection and look over my life and what I can do, should do and will do differently. Every year, I take a stock over my physical self and do what I can to be a better Tam. This year, I've decided I am going to take more chances, do the things I think of but then talk myself out of them. No more talking myself out of it. I am not going to let my stubborness and fear keep me from living and growing. I am going to make a "bucket" list and start crossing stuff off of it.

1. Client reception and West Side Story
2. Stop procrastinating

...I'll finish writing the list later, LOL


This post was just to remember the moment I had the "grow up to be like your father" revelation, but I can never be short and sweet, can I? :)

Happy Tecember! #YOTTTO (You Only Turn Thirty Three Once) #taking33

Peace!

Love, Tam

Everyday Family

August 6, 2014 (Draft that I decided to hit Publish on)

No family I know depends on a holiday, an occasion or a invitation to spend time together. Families... Sisters, brothers, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins... Don't need a special occasion to get together. If I'm going to be somewhere, whether it's a store, park, picnic, cookout, or ANYWHERE and I think you'd also enjoy it, I'm going to invite you. And for the most part, in my family, everyone else does the same. We're a family and we do things together. No matter how random, uneventful and mundane... we do it TOGETHER.

I see my mom, on average, twice a week. Sometimes less, sometimes more. But I KNOW that it's not gonna be...(thinking of the next upcoming celebrated holiday) Labor Day? Columbus Day? Thanksgiving!!! It's not gonna be Thanksgiving before I can expect to hear from my mom again. Or my sister, or my grandparents. And I can consider that, quite possibly, I should give family members that operate differently than this a break but... Nah!
My life after marriage and Mali got a little hectic and I probably started visiting my grandma less than before. But because we're family (and she's crazy, lol) she's not going for me not visiting. And my grandfather, who isn't much of a talker really, instigated my not visiting. 

(I can imagine...) Pop pop to grandma: Tamika must be upset with you, she hasn't been over in awhile. OR
Grandma to Pop Pop: Tamika hasn't been over in awhile.
Pop Pop: She must be upset with you.

Grandma texts me: are you upset with me? You haven't been over in awhile. Your pop pop says you must be upset with me. 

My reply to grandma: FOOLISHNESS! Don't let pop pop try and break us up. I'm not upset, just been busy. Currently at a bday party with Mali and Ki. (Takes pic of Mali and a selfie with Ki and sends:)  

Note to self... Go visit grandma soon. 

And guess what? I appreciate that. I appreciate my grandparents checking me for getting too busy with life. I appreciate them noticing they hadn't seen me in awhile and calling me out on it. I appreciate them thinking about me and wanting to see me and loving when I visit. I appreciate them being active in my life, caring about me, and showing it. I appreciate them being everyday family. And same for my siblings. We do things together, and mostly sometimes, we do nothing together and that is just as rewarding. 

I even don't go too long without seeing my aunt. We have separate lives but if she needs me to be somewhere or do something, I don't mind showing up and being available. We make it so our separate lives meet up, cross paths, become joined lives. Life just won't pass and next thing I know it's Thanksgiving and I'm getting a text message with a "Happy Thanksgiving!" No! We're spending the weeks before Thanksgiving messaging back and forth planning to spend it together, cause... That's what families do. I don't know what I'd do without these people and I'm so thankful for them.
I'm going to miss my sister when she moves away, but it'll be distance not desire keeping us apart.

I am thankful for my "everyday family".

I try to pay attention to when God is trying to get my attention. He isn't usually subtle with me. Or maybe He is and I just don't pay attention until... until it gets too drastic. God sees me over here in my comfort zone and KNOWS it takes an elephant to move me from it. It's shameful almost-- what I allow until it gets too large to avoid. Too big to bear. Too much to pretend like it's not uncomfortable. OK God, I see you. I am paying attention. You want me to do something different. And I am here for it.

I am the Comfort Zone Queen. I get used to the circumstances and I stay... good, bad.... I get comfortable in it. Like a pile of laundry on the bed. It for sure needs to be folded and moved. But no... I'll reposition that pile all over the bed and lay comfortably on it. I'm clearly no princess... (reference the princess and the pea story). But I am!!! I am a child of The King, that makes me a princess by default. I can't be comfortable with the pea lump of laundry in my back. I feel it, don't settle and sleep there anyway Tamika!

I need my comfort zone rocked! Make me uncomfortable Lord, so you can use me. Here I am! Show me what it is you want me to do. I am here for it.

I notice this as a pattern though. I get stuck.

(Unfinished Draft from April 2015 that I hit Publish on anyway) 

Better Together

It'll be short and sweet today. But I was sitting here thinking these thoughts and when my thoughts consume me, I like to write them down. And here we are...

Once upon a time, not too long ago, I used to worry alone. I'd keep my concerns, problems and troubles to myself. I didn't ever want to burden someone else with what I was going through. I figured I could just handle it all alone. One day it became too much. I just couldn't hold a problem anymore, I felt like I was drowning, and I needed a rescue. Or I at least needed someone else to know that I was drowning so they didn't just find me drowned and dead. Know what I mean? I needed to tell someone what I was going through. I could feel life feeling heavy, I felt overwhelmed and I just knew things were about to get hectic. When it all came to a head, and it surely would, I wanted someone else to know that it was coming.

At the time, my mom was my closest ally. And no matter what shame I was feeling about the situation I'd gotten myself in, I knew I needed to tell her. And so I did. There wasn't an easy resolution, (I wasnt even expecting her to have a solution) but not long after I unloaded my worry, it did come to a hectic, explosive head and eventually was resolved. The energy spent on worrying and hiding became energy to refocus and resolve. The lighter load, and having told someone, made it easier to face the struggle. And having told someone made it so I was not facing the problem alone. They had answers I didn't.  They encouraged me to have hope when I felt hopeless. And most importantly, they knew to pray when I couldn't.

The lesson I learned in all this... Never worry alone. Someone may have answers you don't. That has become my going forward, working, life mantra. Never again have I carried a problem alone.
Why should I be the only one having my thoughts consumed by this trouble? Let me call my mom, she may have an answer. She may know something I don't. She may be able to stand with me, support me, hug me. In hearing my problem, she may know just what needs to be done. Or at the least, offer me the comfort I wouldn't ask for.

This morning I had a worry. I pondered for 5 minutes on how worried I was going to be, and how worried I was going to make someone else based on my worry. That was 5 minutes of worrying wasted.

*texts Gigi*

"Listen. I hate to worry people unnecessarily. But I also hate to worry alone so..... I was going to wait but I couldn't."

Gigi texts back 2 seconds later with simple answer that put the whole worry to rest! 10 minutes later, worry completely dissolved. Had I never told her, I would've spent countless moments fretting over nothing.

:)

Why did I just waste that time worrying myself crazy? Never again!

I share this only because I live by it. It saves me. Thinking on it consumed me this morning. I love these kind of life reminders. And I want everyone to save themselves from worrying. I am living well and I want everyone to be well. We're all better together.

God put us here together for a reason. He uses His people to care for one another. To help one another. To support one another. To bless each other.

"Bear one another's burdens..."

"Therefore comfort one another..."

"Stir up one another in love and good works, not neglecting to meet together... but encouraging one another..."

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12


There is great peace in sharing your troubles. 

Living my peace.

Love, Tam

Provisions!

(I started this post June 6, 2015 and didn't post. But it feels necessary to post)

I haven't been here in forever. Not that I haven't had anything to say... it's just something about life right now keeps me quiet. I don't know if I regret that or not. But today, I feel like I have so many words, I just have to say them...

I am so happy. And trust me, I know... happiness is so conditional. That makes this particular happiness even more relevant. Not much about the conditions are blatantly screaming HAPPY, but still... here I am.

Today is my 3 year anniversary married to Mr. B. Life with him, although not always smooth, is a great gift. He is my friend  before anything, and I love him beyond my last breath. I look at him and, to this day, I am in awe that I am the lucky one he chose. He is so handsome and kind, and I am so grateful. I have so many feelings, words just aren't enough.

Recently he had a major surgery and I focused every prayer I had to his healing. I couldn't even begin to imagine a life I didn't share with him right by my side. I am so thankful he is recovering and on the mend. Just yesterday, I had to tell him just how terrified I was sitting there for 2 1/2 hours, just waiting for the surgeon to tell me it went well and he was ok. I can't begin to imagine his own level of fears, but he got to be put out and sleep through it. No one offered me that relief. For hours I had to wait, trust, and pray the doctor would deliver good news to me. It is not something I want to do ever again. Post surgery, I expected to be overwhelmed with my role as caregiver, working wife, mom, chauffeur and endless sole responsibility for the needs of our home but the good Lord... provisions! I should be tired and overwhelmed... but the good Lord is a prayer answer-er. He is giving me absolutely everything I need, sustaining me and providing rest, peace and patience I don't usually possess. I am not SuperTam, and I can't even form my mouth to take credit for God being God.

(Edited: continued on July 27, 2015)

But I am ever so thankful for Him giving me love in abundance, peace multiplied and a profuse amount of patience. I, seriously, was sustained and provided for in order to care for my family. Mr. B and I are major partners in our home. We work together. We share the responsibilities, sometimes he carries the majority of the load thankfully. So I anticipated being overwhelmed. I expected to lose it eventually. But I also prayed for God to provide. What was I thinking? What did I expect? Why did I doubt Him?

I rejoice to serve a mighty God who sees me, even when I expect to be forgotten. Gracious to be kept by the King of Glory. Amazed to be loved and cared for. He shows up for me, even when I least expect it. I am just smiling from the inside out. My heart is just so full.


I am thankful for His Peace.

Love,
Tam