One Olive Branch At A Time

Good Morning cold world!! Speaking of... there was a bit of chill in the air this morning, lol! But anyways, Happy Wednesday! Hope everyone is enjoying the work week, only a few more days to the weekend AGAIN! I don't think I have any real plans, but how can we not love the weekend? Are you with me? :)
So... I was going to write something yesterday, I've been thinking on this for awhile and I even spoke on it a week or so ago giving someone my opinion. But idk what keeps happening, for some reason the blog never gets written. Then last night, while I wasn't sleeping my mind just wouldnt leave this thought alone. So apparently God is tryna tell me something (write that blog Tamika!), because there is no good explanation for why my mind was even writing this blog in my non sleep last night. SO here goes: Lord guide my thoughts! Amen!

I have seen many a FB status posts, tweets and even words from friends on how they no longer need to be around certain people, how folk aren't... *scrolls Twitter TL cause I seen it again this morning* (God reminding me to get on this blog!) *found it*
"I can't dwell in mediocrity...I will continue to replace mediocre, complacent ppl with ppl on the move & other like minded individuals"
*found another* "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or make you happy; bottom line-----LOVE YOU FIRST!"

and they go on and on... how someone is no longer serving a purpose in your life, so to the back seat they go! Or even sometimes, it isn't so cruel... it's more like. "They did something to offend me, and I forgive them but I just don't want them in my life anymore. I'm over them!"

Some of you are looking at me like "what's the problem? lol This all makes sense, right? You sometimes grow out of people, or they are more harmful to my life than helpful. I have a right to discard these kinda people from my life, right?" Wrong! I suppose if you are a non-Christian than all this would make sense. And you could so easily just discard a child of God. But if you are a Christian, then maybe you should consider this:

God purposed them into your life for a reason and likewise you into theirs. Life is not about who is serving you, growing you or making you happy. Our lives should be lived to glorify God, not self and no where in the Bible do I see where God tells us to leave people, who aren't on our level, by the wayside. Jesus was not walking around, hanging out with people that were like him, the religious leaders or the richest, most popular people. Jesus hung out with the sinners, the poor, the tax collectors, the sick. He lived His life to serve others, so what someone isn't contributing anything to your life! Consider what you are contributing to theirs. Consider why God placed you into their life. Maybe He needs you to be an example of love and grace to them, help grow them up. I am not saying stay with the boyfriend that is abusing you or be best friends and go out clubbing with the neighborhood harlot... "Do not be deceived: Bad company ruins good morals." I am simply saying don't be so quick to discard people from your life because of what they do/don't can/can't do for you. Life shouldn't be so self serving. "Love you first!" should never be the motto. Instead replace it with "Love God first!" and in doing that God wants us to love as He loves. And how can we do that if we are discarding friendships and tossing people away because they aren't contributing to our lives? Because that's what God does to us? Hardly! Our grace and mercy should extend to others, just as His does to us. Yes, people are going to offend us. Yes, some aren't living up to our standards and don't motivate us. Yes, some others are more easy to forget and discard and we would be able to go on just fine without then. But have we considered how God wants us to handle these relationships? Have we considered that we may be the light God wants to use to deliver them from whatever is keeping them off your level? Maybe we aren't that light, but what if God were so easy to discard us? We are walking perfections, huh? And we are living up to every desire God has for us, yes? We are fulfilling exactly the purpose God created us for and He is pleased with our every action? Hardly! We disappoint God daily, yet He still loves us, communes with us, leads us, cares for us, protects us... thank you Lord for your grace and mercy!
I've had to reconsider a few of my choices to discard people... *insert specific personal story here*
It is no secret how I feel about my dad. I think he could've done better as a parent, I wish he had been more present, I wish he had not allowed his life's issues to directly affect me, I wish he'd been a better source of guidance, protection, knowledge, love, discipline, structure... pretty much he sucked as a parent. I wish he was, to this day, less selfish. Every occasion with him used to feel detrimental for me, I couldn't trust him, I didn't feel safe (not from any physical harm, more of a emotional, mental anguish). He is toxic to be around, and I decided that it just wasn't worth it. Why was I subjecting myself to this? He needed to be on "hi and bye" status. Sounds fair, right? Or so I thought! I was moving forward in my life, happily without him. I was in a happy, healthy relationship, my daughter was growing up beautifully, I was getting married, he was a last thought with no harm to me. I was happy. And I don't doubt this happiness for a second. It wasn't some faux, contrived happiness. My emotions were safe, my life was progressing. But God was not pleased and how could I remain happy in that? It all sounded fine that I should be able to go on without him and live my now happy and healed life, he was only keeping me in a place of hurt. But God created us for relationships, God gave me that particular dad, God knew the father he would be and still it is the one He gave me, God knew how I would be affected and He knew how I would turn out, still God gave that father to me. So I believe God expects me to have relationship with him. "Honor your Father and Mother." I don't believe leaving my father out of my life would be considered honor, huh? I had to be mature, learn some patience and choose to love, respect and accept the father God gave me. He was shocked to even get a invite to my wedding! (yes, it was that deep). I am sure he was just as shocked when I got up and initiated Father/Daughter dance with him. (I had previously told the coordinator I wanted no parts in it). I am sure he was just as shocked when he got invitations to 2 functions at my house. I had to set aside how I felt about him and do what I knew God wanted me to do. I see the joy it is bringing my dad, I see the appreciation that he feels in being included in my life, I am glad I can show him love inspite of and I welcome the growth it will bring to our relationship. More than anything, I am thankful for the opporunity to be obedient to what God wants me to do. It is not easy, but I trust it will become easier. I am glad to be a blessing to his life in the process of my obedience. Someone will be blessed and that makes my heart glad.
I know some of you are thinking, a dad is a much more obvious relationship to try and salvage. We know how God already feels about honoring our parents. How can we be so sure about our other friendships? I guess that would require some prayer, but I know God hopes for all relatonships to be reconciled and grow. Those people who we discarded just because they were annoying, or had bad attitudes but their actions weren't directly harmful to us, God wants those restored. I have been extending the olive branch all over the place. What's the harm? What could go wrong? What could happen? I make someone's day by being nice, by forgiving? I bless someone's life by being kind and letting them know my door is open to them? Sounds like a plan to me! Maybe my good deed will encourage someone else's good deed and the world will become a better place one olive branch at a time. :)

A girl can dream! That's my peace!

Love, Tam

God's Plan, His Peace

I don't even know where to start.... Hi! Once again, I'm sorry it's been so long. Life... (you know!) Ramon used to say that :( Whenever you asked him a question he didn't want to answer, "you know" was his response :)
The last couple of weeks have been Kingda Ka (the world's biggest roller coaster)! I had the absolute, most wonderful day in life on June 3rd, becoming Mrs. Tamika Brawner. It really was the most beautiful day, with the most beautiful weather, with the most wonderful people feeling like the most beautiful girl marrying the most wonderful man... imagine all that in one day! AMAZING! I am so happy, I can't even explain it. I already feel the blessings flowing having sealed our relationship in marriage. God is good and to Him be all the glory! Being Mrs. Brawner feels good... AMEN! :) And there I was living my marital bliss for a solid week when I found out a dear friend of mine had passed...

I am going to cry and vent here because I have had to be strong every other moment. I cant let Ikaia see my every hurt as I'm telling her to be strong. I allow her to feel what she feels, but I don't need her feeling for me too. Ramon Ingram was my high school sweetheart and best friend. We were young and we made mistakes but we were and always remained friends. There is so much history in that relationship, so much growth and learning, so much laughter, some tears. But our friendship survived alot. Having to tell Ikaia that the dad she knew and loved passed away had to be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Even now, I cry just thinking about all she's had to deal with in life and all she'll have to face. I thank God for his constant, never failing cover over her. I thank Him that she is still sane, smart and beautiful. I thank Him that despite all she has had to live through, she is still amazing and strong. I thank God she still smiles, she still feels and she still has a slither of innocence. I thank Him for protecting her from things I could not protect her from. I know He is preparing her for a life of greatness! There is nothing she will not be able to handle. I thank Him for giving me the strength to be her mom, and I pray I make better decisions to guide her future. Lord, help me raise her in Your will for her. I can not do this alone.

More than anything, I thank God for his timing. I thank Him for J. I know there is no replacing Ramon in her life. But I thank God for Jerry who is there and willing to fill the void for her. God's ways are not our ways, His plans may seem foreign to us, His timing confusing... But He is still in control, He still sits high and looks down low. He knows the plans He Has for us. “plans to prosper (her) and not to harm (her), plans to give (her) hope and a future." And as I think about how unfair it all feels, and how much it hurts and how sad I am, not only for the loss of someone I loved so much, but for the sake of Kai... I am still trusting God. I made a deliberate, out loud promise to God 3 or so years ago, that I was going to trust Him no matter what. I trusted him to deliver me from an abusive relationship, I trusted him to give me peace after a miscarriage, and I am going to trust him to heal this situation. No matter the situation, He has always been the provider of peace in my life. He has never failed me and I trust He will do the same now. I do not expect the pain to go away right away, but I thank Him for the moments when it passes. I thank Him that I can sit and still laugh with J and Kirk (someone called me the other day, thinking I had not heard about Ramon because I answered the phone laughing hard!) That moment will help me remember that God still gives me peace and laughter even in times like this. I thank God for those moments! I thank God for the memories, I thank God for Kai and I thank God for Ramon. He was an amazing friend, full of jokes and laughter. And that is what I will choose to remember. R.I.P. Ramon Ingram!

I will continue to remember him, and hopefully soon I will be to a place where the memories encourage laughter instead of tears. And I will continue to pray for my sweet daughter and her healing. And I hope that we will be in your prayers as well.
I am working on always trying to find the good in situations and learning to be grateful. Remember God is still in control! I thank God that no matter what His plans are, He still offers His peace to go along with it. :)

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." I am praying for every one's peace in this situation. Hopefully by offering you a little of mine, it will help you tap into your own.

Here is the Peace of Tam... take as much as you need!

Love, Much Peace and a Big Hug to all that knew and loved him, Tam

Just Tam!

Good morning beautiful world! I always start off my post talking about how much I've been slacking, then I apologize, then we get back together and we're both happy only for me to slack off again and start it all over again. So here I am, once again apologizing for my absence.. I know you've been wondering what's going on with me, curious to how my life's been treating me. Well, wonder no further.

It has been a speeding train Countdown to Mrs Brawner! It all seems to be going by so quickly... especially this last week. There are only 5 more days til I am officially Mrs. Brawner (no, not Keys-Brawner... he wasn't having it!). How do I feel? Ready! Not nervous or anxious, not scared and hesitant, but excited and definitely ready! I have to admit (and I'll only say this here), I am not confident about the technicalities of the day. You know, all the decorations and vendors and details... I don't trust any of that. I have no idea if the day is going to go smoothly, I am actually expecting it not to. I don't know if Uncle Pookie will have a seat or get enough to eat. I don't know if the photographer will capture all the right moments. And I don't know if it'll be a fun party and everyone will have a good time. I can not control any of those things, and I decided that I am not going to even try to. I refuse to be stressed out on that day. Because what I do know is... at the end of the day, I am marrying my best friend (no, not Jules and Chelita sillies). I am going to be Mrs. Brawner! I am going to bask in the day, try not to stress over details, and enjoy becoming his wife. What else even matters at this point?

I will have my girls beside me (and they are all awesome), my precious daughter with me, my friends and family all there to support and congratulate me... and I don't need anything else. I am excited!

This weekend was a whole lot of hectic and a whole lot of fun! I wrapped up wedding day details with my aunt and the coordinator and I also bachelorette partied my life away! This 4-day weekend was the perfect weekend for a bachelorette party because I seriously NEEDED that extra day to recover. I hung out with my bestest girls (minus a few) and focused on my last full weekend as Tamika K. Idk how well you know Tamika Keys, but she was an awesome girl, we will all miss her. But she is coming back better than ever, new and approved. After all is said and done, even after I become Mrs. Tamika B... no worries, I will always be just Tam.

I am about to be on Wedding Day crunch time... most likely, the next time we're together I'm going to be a married woman! Watch out now!!!

I hope you guys enjoy your week. Keep cool and don't act a fool! (I may not take my own advice this week, sue me!)


That's my peace~  (just) Tam!

Tam's Something Blue Bridal Shower

May 6, 2012

cake bon bons :) delicious

Surprise! I'm going to cry

Me and my fabulous sister Jules

Mrs Brawner to be!

Daughter of the bride (Kai) and Daughter of the groom (Jazz)



Bridal pictionary! Go Karon!!!



Mrs. Brawner to be

"Days Tamika Lost It"!

Happy May 16th! (Like May 16th is a holiday... lol) I have not posted anything yet this month, so I'm kinda making a big deal about it. So... Happy May! Life has been crazy since my last post. So much has been going on with the wedding, the kids, work... I have just been so overwhelmed. I'm sure there are plenty of testimonies from my friends, family and acquaintances from the "Days Tamika Lost It"! I should be ashamed... but anywhoozle! How have you been? Good? Good! I guess we could cover some updates just for kicks. (I've really got nothing else anyway)

Updates! Kai had her audition to get into the performing arts school. So glad that's over. We are still waiting for the results, but... the hard part (for me) is over. It is in God's hands now, I can't worry about anything I can't control. That day was hecka rough though! Kai had so much anxiety. I was nervous she wasn't prepared, but she refused to sing for me. "Mom, I'm trying to use this time to relax. Could you please stop asking me to sing?" I had to respect that. I guess she figured there was nothing left she could do to prepare herself. All she needed now was to be relaxed enough to do it. I have never seen this level of stage anxiety. I obliged her and we spent the day running a few errands, chilling and swinging on swings at the playground. Right before we were supposed to arrive at the school, a massive thunderstorm decided to pass through... Kai: looks like a hurricane out here, may be we're not meant to audition today.
Me: nope, it's just God trying to wash away your fear and anxiety.
Kai: I must have a lot of anxiety!

We eventually braved through the super rain, ran (through the rain) into the school, waited not so patiently for her turn, prayed over her, listened to her cries to be driven home, then they called her name... I watched her hesitantly walk away, prayed over her again, then Nae and I waited. She returned 15-20 minutes later, looking relieved and we left. That was over a week ago... she refuses to sing her audition song ever again (His Eye Is On The Sparrow) and we are patiently waiting to know if she got in. They say we will receive the results after May 14th, so that means any day now. Lord please! J (crazily) promised Kai a dog if she gets in... smh.
And that's all I have to say about that!

I am 18 days away from my wedding! #CountdowntoMrsBrawner. That sounds so close, right? I am excited and I just can't wait for it to happen, then be over. I desperately want to get back to normal (pre wedding planning) life. I miss my old self, even though after June 3rd, I will be my new self! :) It's getting very real! I almost have everything together. I probably should get in contact with my coordinator, who came in direct contact with Crazy Tamika on the one of the "Days Tamika Lost It". But I am going to say this to you guys because I think we're all friends... she asked for it! Not to say she deserved it, that would be mean... but she provoked it and my crazy mind heard her say "Tamika, just yell at me!" And I did :) It was the day right before Kai's audition and I had too much on my mind for her to go changing plans last second, then getting annoyed with me because I wasn't on her time. Needless to say, I have not spoken to her since, so let's see what kinda wedding comes together in the next 18 days.. fingers crossed! lol

On a more positive wedding note... my friends and family (Jules extraspecially) are awesome! On May 6th, I had THEE BEST day ever. My sister and friends threw me an amazing SURPRISE bridal shower. The fact that they were able to (mostly) keep this from me was an amazing feat, I am not easy to surprise. I'm way too nosy and controlling for that, but apparently it can be done. Jules is awesome! Although I had accepted and was glad to have a day with just my sister, I needed that day with all my friends and family. I was right in the middle of the "Days Tamika Lost It" and that day, "Tam's Something Blue Day", was right on time. I could do it again and again! Thanks guys! (I'll post some pics eventually)

18 more days ya'll!!!

That's my peace!

Smiles!

Good Morning! I love to share when I have good, inspiring, and helpful revelations. I often don't post anything when there's nothing exciting or dramatic going on, but I realized I have so many "moments" that maybe others should share in. Although, in my mind it's always just "another day" with them, our days are so special and loving (mostly) that someone else could learn from (what I think of as) our normal moments. I realize not every home is like ours... although not perfect, we are a very together, loving family. The day-to-day Brawner-Keys house is interesting in itself... it's fun, sometimes loud with love and fighting, and we have a lot of quiet loving moments as well. Being around those guys daily, is a joy. I noticed and took a moment to think on (and smile about) the occasional, special moments that happen in our home.


I love my girls to pieces! They are thee best daughters in the world. I don't really have much to complain about... yes, they are crazy, moody, smart mouthed, menstrual teen aged and pre-teenage girls. But more than those things, they are smart and witty,  funny, sweet, loving, helpful and mostly obedient children. Of course they have their moments where they drive me up a wall, they're girls! And they're at the age where sometimes they can't help but be crazy. I probably find spaces in the house to avoid them at all costs. But when they are not monsters, I love being in their space. You can learn so much just by sitting and talking to your kids. Give them your undivided attention and they will tell you just about anything. I am shocked sometimes at the things they so comfortably divulge to me. Whenever I am just sitting on the couch and I ask Kai to come sit on my lap so I can hold her awhile, I can get just about anything out of her. (I'm not telling you this as a way to trick your children into telling you juicy stuff. I just noticed that when I provoke affectionate convo with Kai, she opens up...) I start my telling her, "I remember when you were small and could fit right here perfectly. I miss those days, you were so sweet." Then I start to ball her up and bend her legs, "see, you still fit!" I ask about her day, what's going on with her and when I feel like there is a certain thing she just failed to tell me, I take that time to ask her about it specifically. I assume she feels safe in that spot on my lap, me holding her just because I love her and WANTED her there (knowing honestly, I am usually annoyed when she attempts to "attack" me with her affection. I'm working on it.) She's probably thinking, "my mommy does love me, this is the best spot in the world. I feel safe here, I can tell her anything and know she will still love me." Our children just want our time, attention and affection. I know I don't always give them enough of it. We work, we come home, we cook, we clean...and as they get older and start to appear independent, sometimes as parents we forget they are still just our babies. They still NEED the kinda love that comes in the form of hugs, kisses and quiet moments on our laps.


The end of last year, I decided to try something different. I realized I had 2 girls that now wanted to get their eyebrows done. I let Kai start getting hers done last year for her birthday and Nae has been getting hers done since 6th grade as well. It started to become another bill going regularly to get mine and theirs done. I've sacrificed my own a few times so Nae could get hers done, she's in high school... I remember how that feels, needing to feel like you were putting your best self forward. But then one day when I didn't want to sacrifice my own (I think it was my bday) and getting hers done just wasn't in the tight (Christmas) budget, I decided I would just do them myself. Before I started going to get mine done, I would simply pluck out my stray brows and arch them myself. I figured, why not do theirs? I went and bought tweezers and a straight razor and went to work. I'd lay their head in my lap, pluck and shave at their brows until I was satisfied. While they were there in my lap, we'd talk or sometimes just sit quietly until I was done. What I noticed... they were super happy with that time getting their eyebrows done. Yes, they got up from my lap with fresh, trimmed, arched brows, but I know the main reason they accept the "I'll just do them myself" brows, is because that time with their head in my lap is precious to them. Last night was date night and when I walked upstairs, tweezers in hand, to do their brows (even though they asked me soon as I got home from work, but dinner and date night prevailed), they were shocked. "I thought it was date night!" It is, but I said I'd do them today and Two Broke Girls (I love that show!) is a repeat. "come on, who's first?" The hugest smiles! I love those smiles. Even though this is just eyebrow maintenance... it's more than that! It's good ole, having "mom's" undivided attention, your face in her hands, your head in her lap, making me pretty quality time. I'd do anything for those two girls and I vow to take more time to make those smiles happen. It is definitely the little things with our kids. The joy you feel when those smiles happen is unparalleled!

I told J I was going to look into a waxing kit, just to give them official brows! After thinking about that a sec, I realized that process may go too fast, it won't allow for the time we spend just sitting there plucking at each hair. Maybe I'll hold off on that for a bit, I want the time with them just as much as they want it with me. The years are going by so fast. Kai will be 12 in a couple months, Nae will be 16 this year... I have to cherish this time while I still have them just a few doors down the hallway. I don't want the day where they don't want me around to come too soon and I miss all the moments.


Idk what happened yesterday, but I just came home super happy.. I didn't even take my "15 minutes" (Idk why I thought I wrote a blog in this, maybe I will. Wait for it...)  as soon as I got home. I talked to Kai about her straight A report card, she recited the words to her song for me (still won't sing), but she did the work and learned the song :), kissed Nae all over her face, played some music and danced for Nae, which turned into dancing with Kai, group hugged them both, then went to take my 15 minutes. Before I left though, they both asked "what happened to you today? why are you so happy?" I couldn't even explain it. I like to describe that as "the JOY of the Lord!" I just told them, my day was normal and I loved and was proud of them both. Then left to take some Tam time, before I started on dinner. J came home, we ate dinner, date night started, he fell asleep, I took that time to (not complain) and go spend time with the girls, then came back down to wake him and put him to bed :) and he surprised me with a trip to the movies instead! That was special to me. I didn't complain about him falling asleep (as usual) on what's supposed to be date night and I got date night multiplied. I realized this before... but it must didn't sink in then. But I'm going to share it with you guys because I love you....


Whenever I do what I'm supposed to do (minus emotion, complaints and annoyance), there is ALWAYS a positive outcome. I never have to say a thing. Something good just happens!


Example: There was this other time when I wanted J to go somewhere with me, but he had to play. I wanted to frown and whine and complain, but I didn't. I just said it's ok, babe. I know you can't control it, I still love you. Guess what? Show got cancelled. I responded with the exact opposite of how I really felt, but what would complaining have done? Nothing positive, it just would've made him feel bad that he was disappointing me, but it wasn't intentional and he couldn't control it. But I responded with genuine love and support and ended up getting my way anyway! Voila... magic! :) I really need to do this more often.


Step out of my own way, honor God and be obedient to what I know He wants me to do and watch the blessings come! That's my peace!


"How can I bless you today?" I hope in some way I have... love lots!

Tam

Say A Little Prayer

Good Afternoon

Straight to the point.. Kai has an audition on May 4th to get into a performing Arts school, and I am super nervous. 1. she is not even close to prepared and 2. she has a super degree of stage fright.

She was going to a vocal coach that a friend of mine, Liz, recommended. The first time she went, she appeared less than enthused and less than halfway through the class she literally passed out. That crazy girl had let her anxiety build up so badly that she just fell out right in front of the coach. Of course, we decided to leave and return again next week. We did go back, and my sweet little Kai was not her sweet little self and got kicked out of the session. I'm sure the lady was completely frustrated with Kai's lack of interest and asked her if she even wanted to do this. To which Kai gave a simple shrug. The vocal coach's response.. "well when you're sure, you call me and we can try again." We left that day, about a month ago and have not been back. I don't blame her at all, she was doing us a favor and Kai was wasting her time. Thanks Liz, for the favor!
After that day, I have been periodically asking Kai, "well, what's your plan?" I get the same response the vocal coach got... a simple shrug. (11yr old's have not mastered successful communication skills yet). Sometimes I just shake my head and let it go, other days I am just so frustrated I go on a seemingly endless redundant rant about the importance of this for her education and future. about how she has to make decisions for herself and they're not always going to be the easy ones, but they'll be worth it. I'm tired of hearing myself.. go figure. Up until last week, I'd had in my mind that eventually she'd grasp the importance of this and come around. No haps!
Last week, her music teacher called me "What's going on with our Kai?" I have no idea! "I can sense a lack of disinterest in her, she's lost her spark!" And here I was thinking this was special reaction just for me, oh no. She's behaving this way in school too? *SIGHS* It's one thing for her not to give me any hope, but for her music teacher (who loves and raves about her) to also begin to start losing hope... something has to be done. I had been allowing Kai to make this decision for herself, I can't make her get up on that stage and audition. But after the call from her teacher, I realized I'm gonna have to go about this a different way. I needed to become "enforcer mom" for her own good. "Ikaia, I can't make you sing. But this is not about you singing, this is about your future, your education. What I can do is make your life not as sweet though. What you're saying to me is that you are choosing to accept mediocre for your life. You aren't willing to put into the work to invest in yourself, so why should I feel so obligated to invest in you? Those new shoes you want, forget them. That tv in your room, you're going to miss it. You don't need that cell phone and you don't need a radio (you don't like singing anyway, right?" I felt I had to make her feel some consequence for not making the right choice for herself. No, she didn't do anything wrong, but sometimes not making the right choice is the wrong choice. She chose to make no choice at all, and just accept whatever happened or didn't. As her mom, I just couldn't accept that so easily. Her response: tears! "What are you crying for? I have no sympathy for your tears... I'd be crying too if I decided to not be successful in life too! Go ahead and cry but it's not going to change the outcome of anything unless you're willing to put in the work to make it better." I seriously don't feel like I was reaching her at all. I let her walk away from this tirade of mine and sent her to her room, phoneless!
I wasn't satisfied with this outcome so I went upstairs with all intentions of beating her into submission (don't judge me, I tried every other option over the last two months. Sympathy, nonchalance, force, threats...) Discipline was the only option I thought I had left. I went into her room, belt in hand... the tears down her face kept me from carrying out what I thought I had come prepared to do. I'd asked her many times what was keeping her from doing this. I'd mostly always just get a shrug, or a "I just don't want to sing"... I decided it was stage fright, mixed with laziness, along with perfection issues. The fear was keeping her from thinking she could do it, laziness cause she didn't want to put in the work to be successful and perfection because she was doubting her ability and allowing that to perpetuate the fear. I knew I'd asked a MILLION times before, but this time I sat down on her bed with her, stopped trying to figure her out and simply told her. "Ikaia , I love you and I believe in you. I don't know what's keeping you from wanting to do this. I know you love to sing, it's all you ever do. I hear you sing when you think I'm not listening and it's just so beautiful... I don't know if I ever told you this before but, you're the greatest thing I've ever done. You are my single amazing accomplishment. Not to take away from my own life in any way, I turned out fine. But truth? You are at the top of my achievement list, the best thing I've ever done.You have been amazing since the day you were born. Nothing else I've ever done comes close to you. You are smart, beautiful, kind hearted, funny... as a baby, you didn't cry, you were fun, walking by 7 months, potty trained well before 2, you've always gotten straight A's. I am just proud of you. I know you're afraid. I know everything you've accomplished has always come so easily and you have to work for this, but I believe in you. And you not trying is breaking my heart. I love you, and just like Day 1, I just want what's best for you. I can't control what you do anymore. You're almost grown now, you have to decide for yourself, but I'm just scared that my greatest accomplishment is going to give up on herself before she even has a chance. I'm not done believing in you yet." Tears in my own eyes, I didn't know what else to say. Then she says, "Mommy, I'm scared I'm going to mess up, I'm scared I'm not going to make it in and I'm scared you'll be disappointed in me."
Shame on me! I am NOT the perfect parent. I felt horrible in that moment that she even felt so much pressure to perform to the point she was afraid to disappoint me. I don't know if this is something I could've changed or controlled along the way. Yes, I have a standard for her and yes I vocalize it and let her know there are consequences if she doesn't do her best. But never has she been in any kinda trouble for not being perfect. Or would I even know? She has always performed up to standards... she's had the occasional B, and there was never a punishment. Or a C grade and I'd take the phone for a weekend. But isn't that what I'm supposed to do? I didn't let my own thoughts of parental failures consume me. I felt I had an opening, my 11 yr old had finally communicated and expressed some emotion. I jumped on it!

"No matter what happens, I will always be proud of you. When have I ever not been proud of you? Yes, I'm tough on you and I want you to do well, but you always have done well. I'm only so tough on you because I see your potential to be great." I held her in my arms then let her know this: "I see your potential to be amazing, but you know who else sees it besides me and anyone who knows you? The devil. God already has a plan for your life, he has opened doors for you to become an amazing, successful, talented woman. God gave you this gift. The devil sees the greatness in you and he will do anything to put a stop to what God has planned. Fear is of the devil, he's talking this fear into you. He wants you to fail, don't let him win Ikaia! He wants to work on you so you never even get up to try. All you have to do is overcome the fear one time. The devil is not that powerful. Do it one time, beat him once, show him he has no authority over you and get up there and sing one time, and what else can he do? He will see there is no way to stop you and maybe he won't give up trying, but you will render him powerless. You will know that God is in control and you can overcome the devil and fear. Don't give him the power to stop what God is trying to do in you. If you work hard now and you get up there and give your best audition and you still don't make it, one thing you never have to worry about is me being disappointed. I will be proud that you did the work, that you overcame your fear, you did your best. And we will know that it wasn't God's plan for you. Then we both can accept that. We will wait to see what God has in store and what doors he will open next. But you have to try." We hugged it out, she promised to try... all I can do is pray over her. I am trying not to let it consume my thoughts, but I would appreciate if you all prayed over her with me. I don't have a Plan B, I don't know what God's Plan A is, and all I can think to do next is ship her off somewhere to a better county or move myself. She has less than two weeks to make miracles happen... God is able!



Kai saying pledge for Elementary Honor Society



Pray with me and for me!

Kai receiving her award

Kai giving speech and reading a poem
dedicated to her mom :) me!



Singing in chorus at
 Honor Society induction



reading!

singing!



writing!



my cutie in her chorus attire

At the Kennedy Center for Wicked!
Present for her acheivements

Kai on her way to school! :)

I know this was long (I'm sorry), but it's super important to me. Please pray for my little baby, she is ONE IN A MILLION... there's nothing else I can do. This was so hard for me to type, I cried through the whole thing. She really is the love of my life and I just want her to have every opportunity in the world. It saddens me that I can't just make this better for her. I am so overwhelmed. That's my peace!

Love, Tam