…before she begins dating.
I don’t want to have a dating daughter. *shakes head* NOPE!
I really don’t. But knowing I can’t control everything and having to, as of
late, deal with a dating sister-daughter, certain topics have come to mind that
need to be covered.
Some of these topics have already come up and because I’m
dealing with a teenager, who can’t hear me over her feelings, it’s already too
late to discuss… for now. But it’ll come back up and I want to have had it
already covered before she won’t be able to hear me again. No seriously, it is
best to cover all topics with teenagers BEFORE it becomes a necessary topic to
cover. You should focus all conversations with all teenagers when it seems
irrelevant, because by chance you need to talk about something with one of them
and they are currently dealing with that issue, they are incapable of hearing
you. Their own feelings, attitudes and opinions are already ringing too loud in
their ears that they are unable to take in, consider or process what you are
saying… no matter how right, helpful or accurate you are.
So for my own reference, and yours too, here is a list of
things that should be covered with our teenaged daughters.
1. Have standards on your time… Just this weekend,
I was asked to chauffeur a date. This date was scheduled for Saturday, then
rescheduled (by some boy) to Sunday @1. I accepted this first reschedule. At
12, I am ready for my chauffeuring duties BUT the boy is missing, unavailable,
not responding, messages not going through, something! Thanks to iPhone
technology, you can tell when your messages are not being received by the other
party, and it was clear that he was not getting the messages that were being
sent. Ok, maybe his phone is dead or something, but when 12 became 1, and 1
became 1:30… it was time for me (a woman with standards and boundaries
regarding my time) to move on. BUT clearly this particular dating teenaged girl
does not have the same standards for her time. I don’t want to look like the
unsympathetic big sis here, but… Boo! You got to move on with your day.
This boy scheduled this date on Sunday at
1, he should be sure to be available by Sunday at 12 so that we can leave the
house to get him. We should not be dressed and ready to go nowhere because he
has not gotten your messages today. He should have been prepared, ready,
looking forward to it and waiting for you. Not the other way around. Now he is
finally responding at 2pm and you are upset with me because I have standards
for my time and have moved on. I did not stand you up, he did. I did not back
burner you, he did and I am not the one who did not fulfill my obligation to
the plan, that was him. I am just here, patiently, but adamantly moving on with
my day. I already found a man who respects me and my time and I married him. I
can’t, with right mind, wait on some 18 year old boy. I’m just not built for
that. You should not be either. BUT, she likes this boy and is willing to over
comp for some young man who has not earned the right to her compromise. His
grandma and dog are still alive. An uncharged phone is not a good enough excuse
for me. We’ve def had a talk about
standards before, but it needed a refresher and this time discussing it in the
moment, I was not being heard. Her feelings were just too loud to compete with.
This is just one fresh example of standards, but… our girls need to hear from
us (before it happens) what an unacceptable demand on their time looks like. It’s
ok to not be readily available, he will learn to respect your time and do
better next time. And if he is not willing to accept your boundaries, he is best
left where ever he is. Have standards!
2. Learn how to spot and deal with a crazy… Hopefully
your daughter never has to deal with a crazy person, but she should know that it is real,
it is out there and there is a way it should be dealt with. I have been
watching this show “Under the Dome” (don’t ask! It’s some weird sci-fi show Mr.
B has me on…), but in it a girl gets kidnapped by her boyfriend and I want to
yell at her through the screen. “Stop provoking his crazy!” First off, look for
signs of crazy. Some crazy is more obvious than others, but watch for the signs.
Pay attention to how he talks to and treats others. If he yells and curses out
his mother, he is okay with treating you the same. If small things (like
traffic, petty disagreements) evoke
an angry response from him, run! If everything feels like personal injustice to him, everyone and everything is out to get him and he doesn't/can't take any responsibility to things that happen to him, leave and don't ever look back! If you’re not sure, and you’re still getting
to know him, be sure to avoid private places or anywhere that you’d have to be
alone with him. If you do find yourself somewhere alone with a person who
appears crazy in any form, no need to push his buttons, pretend all big and bad
and provoke him. The world is crazy, people are becoming increasingly braver
with the level of nuts they are allowing themselves to reach. No need to try
and match their crazy and wind up dead in a ditch somewhere. Sometimes crazy
just needs a little ego stroke. This is not the time to test out your female
machismo. Yes, you are the ish and he shouldn’t talk to you any kind of way. I
guess he does not know who he’s dealing with. Sure you could tell him you’re
going to get Pookie and them on him. But that is not the way to deal with a
crazy. Crazy likes to match crazy and it is quite possible his crazy will blow
your crazy out the water. Do not get angry. Just play it cool. Keep it calm. Speak
in low, almost sensual voice. Say all the right things, whatever it is he wants
to hear. Pretend all is well. Be hurt, be sad if necessary. But do not get
angry, say mean things or act as though this is the end. Speak of the next time
you’re going to see him, and when you get away… STAY AWAY! Do not just meet him
to get anything, not for a second. He may be normal over the phone and calm for
many a times after that first crazy incident, but DO NOT (I repeat) DO NOT
trust it! Crazy knows how to be manipulative and regain your trust. He may be
so good at crazy, that he’s even better than before. But whenever you see that
first proof of crazy, believe it and stay away from it. Do not be fooled. Crazy
is not cute!
3. ...
4. ...
This is list is clearly still in the works. There are an
endless number of lessons that should be taught to our daughters as they become
interested in boys. I make it a point to sit down and talk to my girls as these
thoughts come to me. I don’t want them to ever say I didn’t tell them. So as it
comes up they know what I’ve told them, then can make an educated choice at the
best course of action to take. Our children will never do everything we advise
them of, but it is still ours job to prepare and inform them. Feel free to let
me know anything you think should be added to the list. And I will update it as
it comes to me.
That’s my (I’ve been there, done that, bought the T-shirt
and wore that joker out) peace!
Love, Tam
Notes:
Desperate isn't cute
Do not want to be the topic of locker room talk
It's not okay for you to be crazy either
You are worth the wait
No, you can not date his "friend" too
